Is abusive behaviour always abuse?

[Completelybewildered]

Is abusive behaviour always abusive? If someone whose behaviour would be regarded as abusive is alleging that they are not trying to behave in a way that hurts the other person or their DC , how should the situation be addressed?

I was the child in this scenario-my Father called myself and my siblings every name under the sun-he has been a bully his entire life. It's a horrible existence being a child and doing normal childish things and getting berated at on a daily basis.

You absolutely can. It just might take a little longer.

I suspect that if this thread was started by another poster I’d say the persons behaviour was abusive. The example another poster used of kicking a dog is inexcusable and there is no doubt that the behaviour is both abusive and violent in nature. However, I’m more confused by some of the things he says. I categorised them as name calling but one might argue that it’s “clumsy communication” since none of the things he says are what you think of as classical name calling. Perhaps this is me making excuses but this whole situation is completely messing with my head

If you are confused as to if someones behaviour is abusive.

Then it's abusive.
Confusion is a major component of abuse.

One of the dc commented on how dad is trying really hard and stated he had corrected himself and apologised immediately for something that he said.

IMO, It shouldn’t be hard work to be nice to people especially to those who should be his nearest and dearest.

@Completelybewildered - I think your last sentence hits the nail on the head… it really SHOULDN'T be hard work to be nice to those who you love.
When I woke up to that knowledge, my life changed and I moved out.

The implication there is that you are too much hard work to be nice to which is an awful feeling. I remember my ex saying everyday he had to choose to love me as if I wasnt lovable by default.

If he is apologising, what is his tone? Is he doing the behaviour less and less? Does he just think that if he apologises you will put up with it? If nothing changes in how you feel (because he isn't really trying at all) then you have a really good indicator of where you are right now. Being with someone we love should feel good and secure.

pp’s have definitely given me food for thought. As others who have posted in mumsnet have said even if he suddenly stopped the abusive behaviours, significant damage has already resulted. The key thing being that the person thought the behaviour was ok in the first place and continued it. I’m not sure there’s any coming back from this. It’s just a matter of how long it is before I can make my break.

Abuse is abuse,if it looks and sounds like abuse.

When you're in the middle of that situation,it's often difficult to see it. You live in a fog of confusion, and have probably been gradually groomed. It's. To your fault, abusers know what they are doing. It you can and will come out of this.

It's NOT your fault

@whatisthisinhere

It's NOT your fault

It’s my fault for not seeing the red flags at the beginning of the relationship. No physical violence so none of it registered. I know I’m not responsible for his behaviour though however much he tries to make me out as the unreasonable and over emotional one.

His latest gem is saying he always gets into trouble. In my mind, yet another tool to try and silence me and stop me from speaking up and raising concerns.

Have you said to him that the way he communicates is not ok with you? Have you been really clear and set a boundary that your partner understands?

If you've told someone that what they are doing doesn't sit well with you, is not ok, is not appropriate towards the DC and they ignore you, do not make any effort to change, try to confuse you by denying it, shut you down by deflecting or use any other method to completely ignore your boundary on what is ok in the relationship, then they are showing you very clearly with their behaviour that they don't care about what you say, think or want in the relationship.

It sounds like you have been together quite a while. Is this a new thing?

@MargoLovebutter now that you mention it there was a time when I tried to set boundaries saying that I wasn’t willing to tolerate his behaviour and I was accused of blackmailing him.
I can’t believe I’ve put up with things for so long, I’ve always minimised anything he’s done, as he’s never hit me. In fact, DH has even told me he can’t be abusive as he’s never hit me.

Dc fed and all watching a family movie with dh snoring away on the sofa. I’m sure he’s probably always snored but with my marriage in ruins, every snore or other random noise acts solely as an irritant.

Reflecting upon how to proceed from here. If all the lockdowns so far have taught me anything is that you really need people who care about you in your corner.

bump

Being hassled and experiencing stress and tension around interacting with people of the opposite sex, especially long standing friends, is shit, unfair and untenable.

It's controlling.

The verbal abuse is bad.

The name calling of kids/young people even worse.

I had a ex who didn't want me socialising alone, didn't like me interacting wity the opposite sex ... was verbally abusive when that or anything else that made him angry cropped up.

He scoffed at me when I said he was verbally abusive.

He said he was insecure about the controlling behavior and said he'd knock ot on the head but never managed to stop for long.

The verbal abuse never stopped either.

He thought he was justified. It was his values system and the way he was wired. They don't change. I don't think thry intend to be abusive but that doesn't change the fact thry are.

Actually when he was challenged about the controlling behaviour, and I warned him.we would end up finished, he sat with tears in his eyes. Another time he said it was hard but he'd try. His attempts were temporary and unsuccessful.
Ultimately he truly felt he was being mistreated if I socialised alone with a group that included the opposite sex (or even really just socialised alone) and therefore totally self righteous in his anger, criticism and verbal.abuse.

@SleepingBunnies21 ah yes the crocodile tears, that’s straight out the abusers manual. I’m just trying to get my head around his behaviour. He badly injured me the other day through carelessness and thoughtlessness and rather than showing concern, was angry at me for swearing in response to the pain. I’m not allowed to be angry apparently,
He does this faux concern, as scary as it sounds I’m not even sure he’s capable of instinctively displaying empathy.

Yet another day reaffirming more shitty behaviour. I don’t think I could call the past 24 hours abusive just a case of him putting his preferences and needs over the family. Went for a walk along the waterfront by myself yesterday, was really great to just take some timeout away from the chaos of it all.

Feeling fragile today. Rattled by everything that has been happening lately

I think your gut is telling you you've had enough. You don't need his permission or anyone else's to do what is right for you and your kids.

@HumdrumGuga yep, I’m now at that point where I’ve well and truly had enough and I need to get out.

My gut quite literally is telling me I’ve had enough. Not had nausea this bad since I was pregnant with dc2(I’m not pregnant thank goodness).

I know it doesn't help just now but one day you will be free from the anxious feelings and be at peace in your own space, it will feel so good (left abusive exh 7 years ago)