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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

So scared I will never find anyone as good as my ex

27 replies

ston · 16/08/2021 09:11

It’s been 2 and a half weeks since my 5 year relationship ended (24f and 24m).

I can’t stop romanticising my ex and his life. He was funny, we were sexually compatible, attracted to each other, he has a really well paid job, just got a house, his family were so lovely, he had a holiday home, loads of friends, good at cooking, could drive etc..

Then I compare it to my life. I’m living at home, got a job I hate at half the salary of his, haven’t got many friends, feel so unattractive.

I feel like I will never find someone as good as him and I keep thinking maybe one of the reasons is because he wants someone as rich/posh as himself and I just wasn’t it. My hearts hurting and I don’t know how to make it stop.

OP posts:

NatMoz · 16/08/2021 09:48

What actually caused the split??

Marineboy67 · 16/08/2021 09:58

Being with someone is not about what they own or how rich they are. Money doesn't make for a better person or make you good enough.
Those things are superficial and can be gone in a heartbeat, integrity and personal qualities are far more important. Don't measure the goodness of a relationship based on monetary wealth.

SilverRoe · 16/08/2021 10:18

And how did he treat you? What is he like emotionally? Is he kind? Loving? Why did you break up?

It’s perfectly normal to romanticise an ex during the early stages of a breakup especially as i assume given your age this is your first breakup of a serious relationship.

But you are focusing a lot on what he has rather than the type of person he is and how you felt in the relationship. Good in bed and funny are nice things to have with someone but there a lots of people out there who you can find that with.

Redhound · 16/08/2021 10:29

I was upset when I had to split from my abusive ex, kept thinking about all the good stuff even though nothing was really good because he was abusive. A year or so on and I never thought about him- or if I did it was just to think 'what a nob why did I put up with that rubbish'?! I guarantee that will be you sooner or later, onwards and upwards!

Original poster

ston · 16/08/2021 11:22

He treated me great. I never thought anything was wrong with our relationship.

We broke up because he said he wants to travel / work abroad for the next 3 years and he doesn’t think he will do that if he stays in a relationship with me. I’m so hurt.

I guess I am focusing on all the good parts about him, I do value him as a person and I think the other things just add to being with him.

OP posts:

Namenic · 16/08/2021 11:26

Better to know now than 5 years down the line. He might have been nice, but if you both weren’t sure this was right, then better to know sooner rather than later.

PearlyBird · 16/08/2021 11:37

I agree that instead of idealising HIM, you need to shift where you're placing all of the value.

Shared goals, consistency, Mutual appreciation! walking the same path, feeling on the same page, loyalty, reliability, commitment, The follow through.

Not saying he wasn't a good guy but in the context of a relationship it makes sense to value somebody for how they are in that relationship. In the context of a relationship, you don't just value somebody for how they stand alone.

PearlyBird · 16/08/2021 11:38

I'm sure it really hurts. xx

Justmeandthree · 16/08/2021 11:51

5 years is a pretty long time for him to realise he wants to travel all if a sudden. I'm sorry OP but for him to end the relationship on that basis is pretty shit of him....have you kids? Did he not ask if you wanted to travel? Did you know or did he express he wanted to travel before this??

Peach01 · 16/08/2021 11:52

We broke up because he said he wants to travel / work abroad for the next 3 years and he doesn’t think he will do that if he stays in a relationship with me. I’m so hurt.

For all the positives you're focusing on, I would focus on this. If it was meant to be he wouldn't give it up to do something solely for him. You could be remembering it through rose tinted glasses. He could be more selfish than you realised. While you're pining has he been off having the time of his life travelling?
It's time for you to do the things for you and be glad that he didn't decide to get this out his system after more years together had passed.

TheStoic · 16/08/2021 11:55

I keep thinking maybe one of the reasons is because he wants someone as rich/posh as himself and I just wasn’t it.

Why do you think that? If that’s true, he sounds like garbage to me.

PermanentTemporary · 16/08/2021 11:57

OK, well that's clear and reasonable of him. He does sound like a good guy but he's not ready to think permanent yet and you're both young. I'm very sorry that you are suffering this heartbreak.

Sunbird24 · 16/08/2021 11:59

You were together for years, you’ve only been apart for weeks, it’s totally normal to be grieving both the relationship you had and the future you expected, especially if the split was fairly one-sided. Be gentle with yourself, let out the feelings, it does get better.

Marineboy67 · 16/08/2021 12:01

No one can deny how hurt & upset you feel. But for you to move forward you have to see that his own wants and needs are more important to him and doesn't include you. Fucked if I'd want to be with a selfish twat like that!

Anordinarymum · 16/08/2021 12:17

So scared you will never find anyone as good as a man who dumped you ?

Open your eyes. There's a whole world out there just waiting for you

Onelifeonly · 16/08/2021 12:20

You've already posted about this and everyone has told you it isn't that there's anything wrong with you. Why would he have stayed so long if he didnt think you were posh enough etc. And so what if he does, you can't change your prior life circumstances.

It hurts, yes, but you will move on. In my 20s I always felt the next bf was better than the last - excitement of the new, probably, but it got me through.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 16/08/2021 12:47

You have a classic broken heart 💔
And as he dumped you it’s even worse

You have to be brutal
Delete everything
Don’t allow yourself any ability to stalk him
Keep busy busy
Work on self esteem , yours is low and you clearly idolised him
Work in your own self care , health

That brutal phase ‘he’s not that into you ‘ is horrible - but so true

You won’t feel great for a while as your heart is broken
But you do have to try and focus on yourself

I’m sorry 😞
I wish there was a pill we could take to make it go away

Mulletsaremisunderstood · 16/08/2021 13:01

@Justmeandthree

I don't agree. They got together at 19 and after 5 years he probably wanted to see what else is out there. That's not unreasonable and doesn't make him an asshole, at least he was honest about it. Far too many people stay in relationships because of fear of the unknown.

OP this could be the best thing that ever happened to you. You can move on and live your own life, see what else is out there too. You had a good relationship with a nice man. Now it's over and you can find another if you want to, but I would urge you to be OK on your own for a while. Spend time with your friends, develop new hobbies.

You are still so young, you have plenty of time to settle down. This guy is not the be all and end all.

Original poster

ston · 16/08/2021 13:11

Thanks everyone.

It hurts and my self esteem is so so so low right now. He has an active social life and I can’t shake the thought of him getting with loads of girls.

I feel I have nothing and he has everything..

OP posts:

honeylulu · 16/08/2021 13:23

As you were happy in the relationship it's easy to idealised it. But the reason you broke up is because he would rather explore new horizons without you. In other words he didn't feel the same way about you and the relationship as you did/do about him. That's a really huge reason why the relationship isn't "ideal". It's early days and you're heartbroken, of course, but you are young and you are now free to find someone who loves you and wants to be with you equally.

It's not too do with being posh or rich. When I met my husband he had a professional job, family money, public school education and he still fell for me. I was working as a barmaid at the time and didn't have two pennies to rub together. We just clicked!

Original poster

ston · 16/08/2021 13:27

I think that’s why I am so distraught and thinking it’s something wrong with me. My self esteem is low thinking what’s so wrong with me that he didn’t want to be together anymore after that long. :(

OP posts:

CheddarTheDog · 16/08/2021 14:01

I’m going to assume this is first relationship and first break up?

They hurt, and then they hurt less. And then they don’t hurt at all.

You need to focus on you and the things that are good in your life without comparing them to him. You have a job not you have a job but don’t earn as much as x.

Next time around you might be the one to end a relationship, and you’ll recognise what it’s like from the other side.

You’ve been given his reason. You can tie yourself up in knots thinking there’ll be some aha! revelation but it won’t change anything. I know it’s hard not to dwell. I’m recently separated from my husband so I do know how shitty it feels but I also know this isn’t the first time I’ve had a relationship end and now I get the fun of doing it all over again.

Breaking up sucks but it won’t define you.

Joolsin · 16/08/2021 14:16

OP, a friend of mine is a CEO of a large company with many young employees. Several times a year, he ends up counselling female employees in their mid 20s who've been in long-term relationships since their late teens, and all of a sudden they've been broken up with. The women are devastated, as far as they were concerned they were on a path to engagement, marriage, children, the works. The guys usually can't give good reasons for the split. My friend calls this "quarter life crisis" and thinks those guys suddenly just panic, think they might have "tied themselves down" too early, hence the split. Interestingly, some of them realise after a few months that they made a mistake, the grass isn't greener and they try to get back together, but almost always the women says no, the trust is gone.

I think this is what your situation is. It's crap, you did nothing wrong, but it is what it is. It's early days for you yet, try to keep busy, try new things, don't look at what he's doing online, and as time goes by you will feel better and make a new life for yourself.

Catlover1970 · 16/08/2021 14:19

You’ve posted about this very recently and got loads of good advice. As I said before you need to make plans with your friends, spend time with your family and respect his decision

Bawse · 16/08/2021 14:40

Did he make you feel like you weren’t as good as him because of factors like wealth and career stage?

It feels awful now (have been there, it is THE WORST). But maybe this will be an opportunity for you to grow outside of this relationship – it seems awful now but I promise you – you WILL feel better. Let yourself feel sad for a while but know that one day soon you will have moved on to bigger and better things.

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