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Original poster

My gf is driving me nuts

32 replies

UbiCaritas · 15/08/2021 22:31

Dear women of the internet. I hope that you could help me with some advice regarding my gf.

We've been going out for a little over a year now. Due to Covid, we're long distance at the minute but we hope to close the gap soon.

At the start, things were really great. I've never been in love with someone before but I definitely fell for her. I'm a very strange person, and I grew up thinking that I'd never find anyone who could love me.

Now I have the opposite problem. I've got very good at being alone, and I don't do romance, or accept affection easily. I grew up in a dysfunctional home and affection was a weakness to be rooted out.

I make sure to tell my gf that I love her at least twice a day. I do nice things for her, little surprises, at least every week. I show affection as well as I can, and I'm pretty vocal about how I feel. I've written her letters expressing the same, but it doesn't seem to be enough.

She's really insecure in the relationship. As a result, she loves really hard on me. Every day, she sends a 500 word essay on how much she loves me. We speak, on average, for four hours a day. During that time, if I bring up a subject (when I can get a word in) she twists it into some romantic thing and it's really starting to bother me. It's as if I have no thoughts beyond the relationship in her mind.

She has no friends, and she doesn't really do anything so it's hard to find things to talk about. Added to that, we... eh.... are blessed with different intellectual abilities, and that makes things harder for conversations because if I want to discuss something it goes right over her head, and being frank, most of what she's interested in ( it's pretty much limited to fashion, knitting and cutesy things) has about as much relevance to my life as the Ayatollah.

I have tried talking to her about it, but she's extremely sensitive and it starts a whole mill of "are we breaking up?" that gets repeated at least fifteen times over the rest of the conversation.

My problem is that I don't want to break up with her as she's the sweetest girl I've ever known. I completely trust her, something I've never managed with anyone else, and I actually really do love her, but a lot of the time now, she's driving me nuts.

Can you help me figure a way to improve matters?

OP posts:
welliesarefuntowear · 15/08/2021 22:33

Oh my gosh. It shouldn't be like this. No. She's not for you. Do her a favour and let her go. It doesn't sound as though you even like her that much.

spotcheck · 15/08/2021 22:36

Why are you with her if you think she's dumb?

spotcheck · 15/08/2021 22:38

OP
Be honest; if you thought no one would love you, are you staying with her because you don't think you can find someone who suits you better?

nicecheesegromit · 15/08/2021 22:38

I don't think it is a good match. She sounds very dependant on you, which is not good for either of you long term

youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/08/2021 22:38

This would be stifling for almost everyone, totally suffocating. I can't think of anyone I know personally who would be able to cope with this. She's made you totally responsible for her mental health - unfair, selfish and unhealthy. It's not sustainable and will hugely affect your mental health. Nobody should be, in my opinion, someone else's entire world.

YerAWizardHarry · 15/08/2021 22:40

You sound like a prick. You’re obviously far too clever for her Hmm she deserves better to be quite frank so just walk away

Tripletipplev · 15/08/2021 22:40

Dear stranger of the internet, let her go to find her true love and you find someone who’s on the same wavelength as you with whom you can have stimulating conversations. Hope this helps.

minniemouseshouses · 15/08/2021 22:42

You sound young, you are in a long distance situation, you don’t seem super compatible, you aren’t happy with your conversations - I wouldn’t let this drag out. A break up with get worse the longer the relationship lasts. Let her down gently and she will be fine.

feb2022 · 15/08/2021 22:47

You said it yourself...
Your weird and she's dumb.. just leave it there and walk away
And you guys talk for bloody 4 hours a day!
I live in the same house as DP and I barely manage 4 minutes

sabrinathemiddleagewitch · 15/08/2021 22:55

What a weird set up.

You're clearly not suited, I think you should call it a day.

Fustyoldface · 15/08/2021 23:16

You don’t have to stay with someone you’re not suited to. In the end it will cause a lot of pain as one of you will probably end up leaving for someone else. Just be kind to her about it and go your separate ways, don’t tell her she’s thick or what you said here.

WhiskeyGalore212 · 15/08/2021 23:27

Every day, she sends a 500 word essay on how much she loves me. We speak, on average, for four hours a day.

Bat shit crazy.

She sounds... being diplomatic, like she needs counseling.

You think she's dumb and boring (To call.a spade a spade). If you get into an ltr and/or marriage, are you going to be able to stand her for years, without going bonkers?

I suppose if you two have kids, you'll have parenting and kids things to talk about, bit that just raises the issue of whether you want someone you consider a bit dumb raising your kids (and contributing to their genes).

I agree with the poster who imolued you are probably only staying with her abd considering settling with her because you don't think you'll find anyone else to love you and think you're strange.

BTW what she does does not actually sound like love, it sounds like obsession, codependance, i don't know ..

WhiskeyGalore212 · 15/08/2021 23:31

Incidentally, I dread to think what shes going to be like if you finish with her, given the above behaviour while you're with and she has no apparent reason to feel insecure.

But that's not a reason not to end the relationship, her unhealthy, suffocating, clinging, needy, unbalanced relationship style is actually more of a reason to end it.

WhiskeyGalore212 · 15/08/2021 23:35

Also lots of people are strange and manage to find more than one partner in life. There's nowt as queer as folk.

There's no logical reason to think it's a one off to have someone want to be with you or fall for you.

There's lots more people she could be happy with too.

Lovelydiscusfish · 15/08/2021 23:38

You could potentially work together on the clinginess/need for excessive communication, but you’ll never change the fact that you think she’s stupid and her interests are boring, so you need to part company as soon as you can - otherwise you are leading her on.

WhiskeyGalore212 · 15/08/2021 23:39

@spotcheck

Why are you with her if you think she's dumb?
Im going to be a bit un PC here abd say that doesn't seem to be as important to many men as to women. In fact some may actually feel more secure and happy if they think their partner is nor able to meet them.or challenge then intellectually.

In ops case he's convinced himself he's strange and unlovable, and that's another reason he's compromising on things that are actually quite important for most couples.

RantyAunty · 15/08/2021 23:42

It sounds like you think you can do better now.
Crack on with that.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 15/08/2021 23:49

You don't love her. You might've formed an attachment at most and maybe you do trust her, but you don't love her. You're just happy someone did finally accept you as you are and worry no one else will.

That's not love, that's settling. If she annoys you now, imagine 3 more years of this,5 ,10. Living together. You're not compatible and that's not going to change. Just like you can't change her. If you can't live with who she is, end it and move on.

toocold54 · 15/08/2021 23:50

This is too much! Just reading your post it felt so suffocating!
Men do often struggle showing their feelings and females can be quite insecure so it’s great that you make a conscious effort to tell her how you feel BUT it shouldn’t be this intense and over the top, that must be exhausting.

I would send her a long text and say basically what you said here - that you love her very much and you in no way want to break up with her but you’re feeling that her insecurities are getting in the way etc etc

Elieza · 16/08/2021 00:20

Have you ever met in real life?

Do you live near each other?

Do you both not work? (as having four hours free a day to chat seems a lot of free time).

What hobbies did she have before covid, were any the type of thing she could be encouraged to get back into now restrictions have eased off?

What hobbies do you have and when do you get time for them if you’re chatting for four hours?

The whole situation seems a bit OTT and unsustainable. You can’t love someone if you don’t trust them.

Walkingalot · 16/08/2021 00:35

You've had some harsh comments. This is your first experience of love, it doesn't have to be your last!
She sounds way too much needy and not something that you could keep up with. Do not settle for this. You are not compatible. Plenty more fish in the sea, although it may not always seem that way.

FlatteredFool · 16/08/2021 00:39

Aye Grin

gelert5619 · 16/08/2021 07:07

Make sure you use contraception, don't rely on her.

Helpful book. Escaping the Drama Triangle, wished I'd read it years ago.

spotcheck · 16/08/2021 08:05

@WhiskeyGalore212

Yes, when people are with someone because they feel more secure in a perceived power imbalance, is that not using someone for convenience, or to prop up their ego? Being with someone who is a ' compromise' is really incredibly selfish

GreyCarpet · 16/08/2021 08:17

@YerAWizardHarry

You sound like a prick. You’re obviously far too clever for her Hmm she deserves better to be quite frank so just walk away
I think there are plenty of other issues at play here but recognising you're not Intellectually compatible with someone doesn't make you a prick Confused