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Original poster

Those who live apart but are together long term....

33 replies

bytheshovel · 15/08/2021 19:00

My partner of a year and I see one another every weekend overnight and spend eow and holidays together . We speak every day on the phone and text sporadically through the day . After our children we
Put one another first .
I am
Happy with this arrangement and so is he . We have plans for next summer .
We discussed briefly over the weekend if we were happy with current arrangements and both agreed that we were.
We've recently
Spent nearly two weeks together and missed each other the week afterwards . He lives alone and said he felt lonely and was finding the weeks hard , partly I presume because work is stressful and he has no one to vent to or have company
With in the evenings .
I am
Much busier and have no plans to move him in. My children are teens and I am RP. I don't want to upset the way things are .
However when we discussed how things are , he said that whil he expects us to evolve and develop as a couple; he has no roadmap. I don't either to be honest but I was still. A bit taken aback .
Is he being sensible or am
I missing something???

OP posts:
ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 15/08/2021 19:10

People usually move in together for one of 2 reasons in my experience.

  1. As a trial marriage, to see if they're compatible before they actually do get married.
  1. To share the financial burden.

Are you looking to get married in the future or do you need to spend less money? I can't think of any other reason why anyone moves in with someone else to be honest.

TangoWhiskyAlphaTango · 15/08/2021 19:29

Hi OP here is my experience. I have two teens DS 18 and DS 1. I got divorced 5 years ago and met another man a year later, we have been together 4 years now. We got married last year before lockdown but decided that we would not live together as we both really value our own space, plus my dc and I live as a lovely little unit and in no way am I willing to upset that. I have just (this week) relocated 40 miles to be closer to him but bought my own house. The DC are fully onboard with the move.

We love our life at it is and have zero plans to move in together at any point, never say never but I doubt we will ever live together fully. We are fully financially independent of each other. Just today DSD visited and was telling us how her Mum (dh ex wife) is going through a terrible divorce where they have bought a house and mixed finances, the relationship has completely broken down and adult DSD lives there too - the whole situation is a tangled mess. It reminds me of how glad I am to have my own independence. I love DH very much but in a second marriage the urge to live together is just not there. People think its weird but at the end of the day we are very very happy with the way things are so why change it?!

TangoWhiskyAlphaTango · 15/08/2021 19:29

*DS 16

TooWicked · 15/08/2021 19:33

You’re living the dream.

I often think that if anything happened to DH or we split, I would never live with anyone ever again. I would have no reason to.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 15/08/2021 19:36

We discussed briefly over the weekend if we were happy with current arrangements and both agreed that we were

Sorry if I'm missing something, but if he agreed literally yesterday that he was happy with your current arrangement, what is the issue?

If I've misread (or you've mis typed) and he's now saying he wants a faster moving in together - from what you've said, that doesn't suit you. So he either waits, or you split.

litterbird · 15/08/2021 19:39

There is no reason to live together anymore if you don’t want to. I would keep the arrangements as they are. He missed you after the holiday and it made him think. He will get back into the swing of things soon. My partner and I don’t live together and he has just bought a bee house for himself, we spent the day looking at some soft furnishings for his nee home. It was a fun day, no stress, no compromising as it’s his home and he decorates it as he pleases (not my taste!). Keep as you are OP but perhaps be mindful that he home life isn’t as full on as yours and he may feel a bit empty some times.

litterbird · 15/08/2021 19:40
  • new house not bee house!
Guineapigbridge · 15/08/2021 19:44

Why live with a man if you don't need to. They're kind of more trouble than they're worth once kids are older and you are financially stable. As others have said, you're living the dream.

thenewduchessofhastings · 15/08/2021 19:49

You've only been together a year;spending EOW together and holidays together is definitely not the same as living together FT as a blended family.

Do you spend time together with each other's kids?;have the kids all spent time together? (Unless his kids are adults).

He might be lonely but moving in together requires a lot of work;you'd need to spend more than EOW together etc to work towards this.

I'd tell him you're happy as things are but could reevaluate the situation a year down the line depending on how things pan out.

Original poster
bytheshovel · 15/08/2021 20:05

I've no interest in blended families whatsoever . My
Youngest child won't have gone to uni for another seven years . I may consider
Living Together after that.
I Really don't want to blend finances or get caught up with legal/ inheritance probleMs. Maybe I'm overthinking .
It's when he said he had no roadmap , I was a bit Confused

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 15/08/2021 20:10

Are you the same poster who wanted advice in how to be a team?

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 15/08/2021 20:35

@TangoWhiskyAlphaTango I'm curious, and please don't take this as criticism, but why get married if you don't want to live together? Apologies if I seem a bit blinkered but I do tend to be a 'black and white' thinker so for me being married is being one family?

TangoWhiskyAlphaTango · 15/08/2021 21:22

[quote MyGhastIsFlabbered]@TangoWhiskyAlphaTango I'm curious, and please don't take this as criticism, but why get married if you don't want to live together? Apologies if I seem a bit blinkered but I do tend to be a 'black and white' thinker so for me being married is being one family? [/quote]
Everybody asks us that. For us it was our commitment to our relationship, especially because we don't want to live together. Seems bizarre to most but was the right decision for us. We have a brilliant life doing all the best things together but none of the day to day drudgery.

KylieKoKo · 15/08/2021 23:08

It's when he said he had no roadmap , I was a bit Confused

What do you mean by roadmap? To me it sounds like neither of you want to move in together and you are both happy as you are.

Original poster
bytheshovel · 15/08/2021 23:19

We don't want to move in together right now but I'd like to think that in a few years we would start planning or have an idea where we are going

OP posts:
Mateypotatey · 15/08/2021 23:21

I'm jealous! We basically live together currently for financial reasons but if I become single again I will no way live with another person.

Mateypotatey · 15/08/2021 23:22

So no, I don't think it's weird, I think a lot of people want that situation too tbh

nex18 · 16/08/2021 00:03

That’s me and my dp. We’ve been together 3 years, both have teenagers, are committed to jobs, schools, colleges in our own areas. We’re really happy how we are, we see each other a few times a week, we each have time with our own kids (but the kids all have their own stuff going on too), we have time for our own friends. There’s really no reason to move in together. (And financially I’m not sure a big enough house to give all the kids their own spaces to equal what they currently have would be cheaper than our 2 little houses!)
We don’t have a roadmap or plans for the future, I suppose we’ll think about what we do when the kids all leave home when (if?) it happens. I’ve fallen for the plan ahead but don’t think about it when the time comes mistake before, I’m happy to go with the flow.
So no I don’t think you’re missing anything (except for arguing about domesticity).

ShitShop · 16/08/2021 00:26

@nex18

That’s me and my dp. We’ve been together 3 years, both have teenagers, are committed to jobs, schools, colleges in our own areas. We’re really happy how we are, we see each other a few times a week, we each have time with our own kids (but the kids all have their own stuff going on too), we have time for our own friends. There’s really no reason to move in together. (And financially I’m not sure a big enough house to give all the kids their own spaces to equal what they currently have would be cheaper than our 2 little houses!) We don’t have a roadmap or plans for the future, I suppose we’ll think about what we do when the kids all leave home when (if?) it happens. I’ve fallen for the plan ahead but don’t think about it when the time comes mistake before, I’m happy to go with the flow. So no I don’t think you’re missing anything (except for arguing about domesticity).
Same here, but 10 years for us!!

Sometimes I wish we could live together but then we spend a week with him leaving all the cupboard doors open and his wet towel on the bed and I think again Grin

We also both have teens so no idea when things will change, but we’ve been thinking something will change in a few years since we met, and nothing has!

I like the idea of a lovely big house for us all, but I also like the idea of a little place of my own once my DCs eventually leave home! I’m so torn.

But either way I would like some commitment as 10 years on we’re still just boyfriend and girlfriend (I’m 47, not a girl FFS!) so I would prefer to be married or at least engaged so I don’t have to call him my boyfriend when I’m 50!

Bagamoyo1 · 16/08/2021 00:44

I’ve been with my partner for 5 years and we don’t live together. We live about 30 minutes apart, and each have kids and work and family (elderly parents) close to where we live.
We see each other 3 evenings a week, one of which is a weekend overnight.

His kids are adults and largely do their own thing, although one lives with him. My kids are school age. Our holidays are always me, my partner and my kids.
We are totally committed to each other and fully intend to stay together, and ultimately live together, but not until all our dependents are independent. Neither of us are in any hurry. It works for us, and most people I’ve spoken to about it seem to think I have the best of both worlds.

Happierwithouthim · 16/08/2021 03:44

Can't get watch function to work so posting for similar effect.

I'm newly divorced, have two dc. Seeing bf for 2.5 years. He lives with his elderly mother. So both have commitments that aren't likely to change in near future but I do wonder if they would even if situation was different.
I'm hurting after abusive marriage, so no desire to advance relationship to next stage, content to overnights & dating. So is he. We love our time together and our independence. We're poles apart in how we manage money too.

KylieKoKo · 16/08/2021 12:23

@bytheshovel

We don't want to move in together right now but I'd like to think that in a few years we would start planning or have an idea where we are going
To be honest it doesn't sound like you have a roadmap either really.

Imagine if he had said that expects you to be living together in a year or two?

I mean this kindly but I think you might be creating an issue where there is none.

TractorAndHeadphones · 16/08/2021 17:24

@bytheshovel

We don't want to move in together right now but I'd like to think that in a few years we would start planning or have an idea where we are going
Neither of you have a roadmap but you’re shocked that he doesn’t? Why aren’t you shocked that you don’t? Unless you’re implying that he might want to live together at some point? So confused
whereiscaroline · 16/08/2021 17:42

We are in this position. Together 7 years. Used to live together, don't anymore. We're only a few miles down the road from each other. Life is great Smile Hopefully we'll get married one day, but I'm not sure whether we will live together or not. Maybe when we retire in 30 years!

Original poster
bytheshovel · 16/08/2021 19:11

I guess I'd like us to move in together when our children go to college and move out but I don't want our home changed. My children are still unsettled after their dad left so we are enjoying a peaceful and harmonious home after years of fear and anger .

OP posts:
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