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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Those who live apart but are together long term....

33 replies

bytheshovel · 15/08/2021 19:00

My partner of a year and I see one another every weekend overnight and spend eow and holidays together . We speak every day on the phone and text sporadically through the day . After our children we
Put one another first .
I am
Happy with this arrangement and so is he . We have plans for next summer .
We discussed briefly over the weekend if we were happy with current arrangements and both agreed that we were.
We've recently
Spent nearly two weeks together and missed each other the week afterwards . He lives alone and said he felt lonely and was finding the weeks hard , partly I presume because work is stressful and he has no one to vent to or have company
With in the evenings .
I am
Much busier and have no plans to move him in. My children are teens and I am RP. I don't want to upset the way things are .
However when we discussed how things are , he said that whil he expects us to evolve and develop as a couple; he has no roadmap. I don't either to be honest but I was still. A bit taken aback .
Is he being sensible or am
I missing something???

OP posts:
Sunbeam18 · 16/08/2021 19:22

It sounds like are both on the same page with this; where is the problem?

Osrie · 16/08/2021 19:30

My dad’s mate has a long term girlfriend - they have been together at least 15 years both in their late 60s now , always feels daft asking how his girlfriend is. I think society needs a new label!

colouringindoors · 16/08/2021 19:32

Committed relationship, see each other lots but don't live together sounds like a really good set up.

Enjoy.

Endeavormorse · 16/08/2021 19:53

8 years so far and still no plans to change!
Happy as we are

Peace43 · 16/08/2021 20:27

I’ve been dating OH for 2 years. We are currently on our first holiday together (me, him and my DD). We have no plans to live together. We have no plans. We are exclusive and we live each other and we both agree that this is good and neither of us can see far enough into the future to see if we’d ever want anything more. Enjoy what you have and stop sweating the long term!!

carlywurly · 16/08/2021 20:36

Dp and I have never lived together but often spend periods of up to a couple of months in one place or other together. We're nearing the end of one of those periods before he returns to work away and I'm absolutely viscerally craving my own space.

A distant cousin and her husband used to live in two houses on the same street. Growing up, I always thought that was so exotic. Now I think what a bloody good idea.

promomo · 16/08/2021 22:26

Another LAT-er here. 2.5 years in, live an hour apart, see each other a couple of times a week with and without respective kids, holiday together, very much in love. Similar to OP and lots of PPs. There are lots of upsides (own space to parent, work, live, do hobbies, chill etc; no getting bogged down in domestics; much longer honeymoon period compared to previous live-in relationships; independence, etc. Both divorced and don't want to remarry, move in together, or have kids together.

Unlike many of the PPs, I also sometimes struggle with the lack of future masterplan, though I'm happy with the day to day. It sometimes makes me worry that the relationship could be stopped too easily. I'm not quite sure how much of the difficulty is societal conformity to the usual markers of commitment (cohabiting, marriage, kids, shared finances - none of which guarantee commitment of course) or whether I'm just not cut out for long term Living Apart Together. DP is entirely happy with our arrangement but I have asked for more discussion of the future. We've started to do this a bit more in the shape of future trips, etc, which makes me feel more secure.

Until then or unless things go wrong, I'm trying to enjoy what we have and enjoy the fact that we actively choose to be together rather than defaulting to time together. Therapy also helps (I was abandoned without warning by my ExH so let's just say I have a few anxiety issues there..).

Check out the Facebook group Apartners for stories of how other LAT couples make it work. The Relationship Escalator is also helpful for illustrating this way of life. Good luck.

TractorAndHeadphones · 17/08/2021 08:50

@Osrie

My dad’s mate has a long term girlfriend - they have been together at least 15 years both in their late 60s now , always feels daft asking how his girlfriend is. I think society needs a new label!
I thought 'partner' was the accepted term - that's what me and DP use. It seems silly to be calling each other boyfriend/girlfriend when we already have a significant financial commitment together
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