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Original poster

FWB.... Still waiting for the B!

50 replies

CluelessAt50 · 15/08/2021 13:32

Met a man online, I was very honest about what I was looking for & it was a site specifically for hook-ups.

We're now 4 weeks in & get along great but still no sign of any benefits. He wants to wait, 'our time will come & it'll be amazing after all of the anticipation' were his exact words. It's like a boyfriend experience & I must admit, if I was looking for a relationship he'd be great. But I'm not. I should just cut him loose but I'm growing to really like him. He's always available to me, puts effort in, lots in common, interested in my life (I find his life v interesting too), uncannily similar future plans/aspirations, financially v similar (we've both been stung by cock/fanny lodgers in the past so that's relevant) etc.

I'm starting to wonder if it's ED... but then, why go on a hook-up site if you're sexuality challenged? Could it be loneliness? He seems to just work then go home to his kids (lone parent, older teens, I'm in the same situation). He mentioned he was on OLD last few years but didn't find anyone he liked.

The goodbyes have progressed nicely from a 1st meet cheek peck, to full on 30 minutes stuck to each other's faces. Think I need to try & cop a feel next meet (tomorrow) & rule out ED.

I'm going to go with the flow & see what happens BUT there's a big problem for me with that. I now know him so well that it's going to be me getting the 'benefits', not my alter ego that I used to slip into for hook-ups & that's scaring me a bit. I'm quite shy, the alter ego isn't. It's all very strange... enjoyable, but strange & not what I thought I was getting into.

Opinions most welcome.

OP posts:
SnatchCassidy · 15/08/2021 13:39

ED may not be the only thing holding him back. He could

a) have premature ejaculation

or

b) be a tad small.

c) Or perhaps he's just deeply religious and won't have sex outside marriage.

I'm going with a or b.

Theunamedcat · 15/08/2021 13:42

He sounds like he wants to hook you not sleep with you some men get off on the chase nothing more

ElspethFlashman · 15/08/2021 13:44

It's not what you're looking for and you spelt that out at the start.

I'm confused as to why you're not spelling that out now? Why are you going to "go with the flow"? That effectively means "go with his timescale".

When he told you he wanted to wait, that was the point at which you needed to say "I'm afraid that's not going to work for me, we may be on different pages".

You know what you need. But you're letting a man alter it all because he's nice. So what if he's nice? He's not what you're looking for!

Original poster
CluelessAt50 · 15/08/2021 13:44

I've seen a pic. It's not B 😉

His parents were religious (I know his life story!) but he'd got verifications on the site & was v liberated on paper. It makes no sense.

Wonder if he's got some kind of illness? But then again, it hasn't stopped him in the past. I specifically went for him because we share a kink & his write ups were amazing. He's now left the site, we both agreed to (his idea but I was happy about it) as a regular FWB is what we both agreed we wanted.

OP posts:
Original poster
CluelessAt50 · 15/08/2021 13:49

I don't think it's the chase, we're both very laid back & there isn't any chase, I'm a sure thing, that's why I was on the hook-up site.

Elspeth, I know. But I would genuinely miss his company now.

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 15/08/2021 13:51

Tbh I think you're in vulnerable territory here.

HappyGirl86 · 15/08/2021 13:55

I think you should just ask him. Be really honest, tell him why you joined the site and what you were looking for. Tell him you're surprised that he still wants to wait when you both just wanted a FWB. Ask him when he sees this changing.

I don't think you can hurt his feelings by being honest, he did join a site just for hook ups.

Maybe also worth telling him that you are enjoying his company and he would be a good partner if you were looking for that.
Just see how he reacts. I think you should be honest and give him a chance to react/explain what his issue is.
It might be as simple as he liked you far more than he thought he would and is trying to sway it to a relationship now rather than just FWB.

It's a shame you aren't interested in a relationship as it sounds like you two would work well together!

pinkflask · 15/08/2021 13:56

At four weeks I’d have slept with a potential partner regardless of whether they were a hookup or not so it seems like a massive bait and switch on his part here if you were specific about what you were looking for. I agree this makes you potentially vulnerable here - he’s got you dangling!

TheStoic · 15/08/2021 13:57

Well he’s done well, hasn’t he! It doesn’t matter at all what you came in wanting, or what you want now, it’s all on his terms.

Original poster
CluelessAt50 · 15/08/2021 13:59

Vulnerable? Interested to hear your thinking around that. There's no power play with the kink BTW, it's just clothing. There could be power play in the situation though if it carries on much longer because he's controlling the timeline.

OP posts:
RogueV · 15/08/2021 14:00

Doesn’t sound right.
Ask outright or move on.

Like above after 4 weeks on a hook up site I’d be shagging away.

rwalker · 15/08/2021 14:00

move on

ElspethFlashman · 15/08/2021 14:03

Because you are starting to like him emotionally.

Whereas neither of you want a relationship. He is muddying the waters hugely and confusing you and you are passively going along with it, and it is 100% on his terms, but you are not seeing it because you are having good conversations.

You are getting sucked in, and yet something isn't adding up, and you are not asserting your needs, and indeed are allowing him to change the rules, and doesn't that give you pause?

Original poster
CluelessAt50 · 15/08/2021 14:05

Opportunity has been a bit of an issue for sex. I'm not into woodland & both homes have had more than average kids around due to college/uni holidays. Tomorrow I'm going to:

  1. Cop a feel.
  2. Tell him we should book a hotel & see what his reaction is.
OP posts:
tribpot · 15/08/2021 14:05

it'll be amazing after all of the anticipation is surely the opposite of the slogan of a hook-up site? I wonder why you have been waiting so long when you were clear about what you wanted?

Orf1abc · 15/08/2021 14:09

Please don't "cop a feel" if that's not what he wants. Men are allowed boundaries too.

Original poster
CluelessAt50 · 15/08/2021 14:15

Of course I won't Orf. If enthusiastic consent isn't there then my hands will firmly remain out of the territory.

OP posts:
Freddy12 · 15/08/2021 14:38

Sounds like you should check out others
The point of FWB is largely the B the F part is important as well in my experience the F gets better along with the B
You go looking for a FWB you do have to get on with the B part quite soon I think

Akleom · 15/08/2021 14:39

@CluelessAt50 Tell him you're booking a hotel if you want him / it - let him know when + where. Most men would appreciate this forthcomingness. I did when I was in FWB mode.

category12 · 15/08/2021 14:46

I think he's mirroring you - so you start believing he's perfect for a relationship. Uncannily similar Hmm - yeah right.

He's holding off on the sex because it's a power-trip for him.

Once he breaks you down and has you properly hooked, he'll change his tune and play hot and cold and tell you it's only a FWB situation and you should be happy with it.

It's a power play.

Suzi888 · 15/08/2021 15:20

Was the photo definitely hisHmm

OneForTheRoadThen · 15/08/2021 15:29

@category12

I think he's mirroring you - so you start believing he's perfect for a relationship. Uncannily similar Hmm - yeah right.

He's holding off on the sex because it's a power-trip for him.

Once he breaks you down and has you properly hooked, he'll change his tune and play hot and cold and tell you it's only a FWB situation and you should be happy with it.

It's a power play.

Why do you think this?
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 15/08/2021 15:35

What on earth are you doing OP? you wanted a FWB but you've now hooked a future faking wanker and you're refusing to throw him back. Why??

category12 · 15/08/2021 15:52

Why do I think this? @OneForTheRoadThen

Because "uncannily similar" experiences & attitudes are usually mirroring, and mirroring is a massive red flag.

They're both on a site for hook-ups, with a particular kink. But he's moving the goalposts and is after something else.

The something else is most likely a power/ego trip. Call me cynical but quite often men don't really want their "casual" partners to be on a equal footing and prefer them to be hooked and wanting more. Especially if there's a power dynamic in the kink.

OneForTheRoadThen · 15/08/2021 15:54

Thanks for explaining @category12 I'm new to dating after my recent separation so still very naive and you always seem to give good advice!