FWB.... Still waiting for the B!

[CluelessAt50]

Met a man online, I was very honest about what I was looking for & it was a site specifically for hook-ups.

We're now 4 weeks in & get along great but still no sign of any benefits. He wants to wait, 'our time will come & it'll be amazing after all of the anticipation' were his exact words. It's like a boyfriend experience & I must admit, if I was looking for a relationship he'd be great. But I'm not. I should just cut him loose but I'm growing to really like him. He's always available to me, puts effort in, lots in common, interested in my life (I find his life v interesting too), uncannily similar future plans/aspirations, financially v similar (we've both been stung by cock/fanny lodgers in the past so that's relevant) etc.

I'm starting to wonder if it's ED... but then, why go on a hook-up site if you're sexuality challenged? Could it be loneliness? He seems to just work then go home to his kids (lone parent, older teens, I'm in the same situation). He mentioned he was on OLD last few years but didn't find anyone he liked.

The goodbyes have progressed nicely from a 1st meet cheek peck, to full on 30 minutes stuck to each other's faces. Think I need to try & cop a feel next meet (tomorrow) & rule out ED.

I'm going to go with the flow & see what happens BUT there's a big problem for me with that. I now know him so well that it's going to be me getting the 'benefits', not my alter ego that I used to slip into for hook-ups & that's scaring me a bit. I'm quite shy, the alter ego isn't. It's all very strange... enjoyable, but strange & not what I thought I was getting into.

Opinions most welcome.

Elspeth, I know. But I would genuinely miss his company now

.Are you sure you're not interested in a relationship with him?

FWB is difficult when you both have older kids at home unless you become the 'woodland type' or spend a fortune on hotels.

Lots of red flags, either a power play or a scam of some kind. Be careful op.

You don't have to reply obviously, but I'm curious, you sound good together so why not go for an actual relationship?

@CluelessAt50

I've seen a pic. It's not B 😉

His parents were religious (I know his life story!) but he'd got verifications on the site & was v liberated on paper. It makes no sense.

Wonder if he's got some kind of illness? But then again, it hasn't stopped him in the past. I specifically went for him because we share a kink & his write ups were amazing. He's now left the site, we both agreed to (his idea but I was happy about it) as a regular FWB is what we both agreed we wanted.

Dick pics? Was that before meeting?

What’s the point in that?

I mean…this is basically catfishing, right? If you read your first post again it’s all “this isn’t what I want”, “I was honest about what I was looking for” - you’ve specifically chosen a site for hookups because that’s what you want (and I know a lot of women like these sites because people are more upfront and honest on them so that’s even more a red flag from him!) and he’s somehow trying to trick you into a relationship you don’t want and didn’t ask for! And you’ve ended up in one too, bloody four weeks with only a make out session to show for it…flipping heck, that’s slow by most people’s standards let alone for what is supposed to be a FWB arrangement!

Me + relationships aren't good. I have no intention of ever living with anyone ever again because it makes me feel like I'm imprisoned. IF I could find a long term relationship that didn't eventually lead to an explanation of cohabitating I'd be fine.

Fake mirroring - you can't really fake involvement in the hobby we share or the fact we both own holiday property within a couple of miles of each other. Lone parenting teenagers is also pretty hard to fake.

Dick pic. Definitely his & I requested it. I haven't sent any pics. I never do.

I think you need to have a conversation with him. Could be that he has a hang up of some description or it could be he has realised he likes you and even though you both agreed to a hook up initially he’s taking this as the beginning of a dating / relationship thing. Could be as simple as him just falling into that mindset rather than being nefarious, it could be that he figured keeping you waiting for sex would give him a chance to show you he is boyfriend material and see if you would come to see him as more than a casual sexual partner.

Whatever it is he is not being totally honest so i think you need to raise it with him.

Could you see yourself dating him? Might be good to get that clear in your head first before you have the talk.

If you are absolutely sure that you still want fwb and nothing else tell him sooner rather than later.

I thought that was the best bit about fwb, no game playing (booking hotels as a hint, ‘copping a feel’).

Years ago a mate was seeing a guy like this, he just seems to get off on the fact that she was the one getting sexually frustrated by them not having sex. It went on for a couple of months until she gave up in the end and found someone else who wanted to actually shag 🤷‍♀️

Id just tell him you've run out of patience with the situation and its either a hotel for your next meet, or you're happy to just be friends from now on. The current arrangement is muddying the waters and that's not what you want. And don't be convinced otherwise, unless there is enthusiastic consent from him asap, Id be signing back into the app and not bothering anymore. It does sound like a power play, and needs nipping in the bud.

It seems like if the goal was FWB there would be more direct conversation about it.

"Why are we not fucking yet if that is the purpose of our meeting up?"

Is it Fab? (I am going to assume so for the purposes of my response, OP - you don’t have to say).

In my experience there are actually quite a lot of men who go on there actually looking for love - because maybe they want a partner who is a bit of a free spirit like themselves? Or something? Hell, I don’t know…..

But why he is holding back on shagging is a hard one to call. My first thoughts would either be a) he’s still attached to some degree and feels some species of guilt, or b) an STD he is trying to sort.

Either way, ASK HIM! It shouldn’t be too hard - you met on Fab (or similar) to arrange NSA sex, after all!

And also, you need to decide. Do you WANT a relationship with this man? Proper boyfriend/girlfriend one? You kinda sound like you do. And there’s no harm in that…

I met my fiancé a year ago on a dating website where we were both looking for a summer fling basically. One of the initial
Things we bonded over was how we would neither of us ever get married again! Life throws you curveballs, and some of them are good ones. At the end of the day, the heart wants what the heart wants…. And it won’t be argued with. X

Could it be that you are so used to being a lone parent you can't imagine actually having a 'proper' committed relationship with anyone?

Speaking as a lone parent myself, I've had one relationship in the past and not let myself get fully involved because I didn't have the energy or didn't wish to commit.

But if you are both in the same boat i.e LP's with teenagers that kind of changes the dynamic doesn't it?

Perhaps he can only have sex with women he doesn't engage with, and after talking to and meeting you, and liking and respecting you as a person he can't do it?

Think the hotel next meeting or we stop makes sense and or get some others lined up
IME if you are on a hook up site you should really be fucking by meeting 2 as that’s the point of meeting up

I'm confused op you said you dont want a relationship but your clearly developing stronger feelings than you would do with your average fwb set up. If you truly cant see yourself together with him you need to move on from him before you end up more attached and genuinely heart broken or upset.

If you want to carry on with the way things are going you are walking into a very messy situation for yourself. Your wants arent aligning with your emotions.

Did you meet each other prior to agreeing FWB or was this agreed via messaging before meeting?

If the latter, maybe he doest feel a sexual work hence not progressing it further

... & I'm now being ghosted. Yes, I know, 'something could have happened' but I'm too busy for other people's complicated lives, my own keeps me busy enough.

Off to see what else is on offer & they'll get 1 social in future, then it'll be benefits or bye bye.

Thanks everyone for your messages.

Well we live and learn OP, best of luck with the next match.

Onwards and upwards!

Thanks Elspeth. Contemplating lowering my upper age limit to 40. He's completely put me off 50+s. Too many obstacles.

@CluelessAt50

... & I'm now being ghosted. Yes, I know, 'something could have happened' but I'm too busy for other people's complicated lives, my own keeps me busy enough.

Off to see what else is on offer & they'll get 1 social in future, then it'll be benefits or bye bye.

Thanks everyone for your messages.

Enjoy My only advice is take care I once met a lady - it was a first for her She gave me her home address, I turned up it went very well and we met maybe 10 times I did suggest she met futures at a hotel first, seemed very risky for her to me

Fortunately it all went well
Sure you will have fun!

Thanks Freddy. Off on a social right now. Fingers crossed!

OP it shouldn’t have been that difficult to get laid… honestly what was the point of him being on a hook up site FGS! . You should have men beating down your door. Lower your age limit… what do you want a guy in his 50’s for? It’s not a romantic relationship so I’d go for somehow younger who’s actually going to be able to go more than once. Have some chit chat online, speak on the phone or FaceTime to see if there’s a connection and then meet fairly soon for a drink / coffee / whatever. That’s it… that should be enough to tell if there’s a connection / spark. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket - chat with several guys. Don’t make promises about exclusivity. Trust your instincts… Don’t see him again if it’s terrible sex. Use a condom.

Well OP...?