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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I don't know how I'm supposed to feel (porn related)

36 replies

namechanged221 · 15/08/2021 10:31

Name changed.
DH and I have been having a huge row, his porn use which has been going on all the way through our relationship has ended up impacting on our lives. We didn't have sex for over a year and I guess I was burying my head in the sand because I knew he was just using porn but I didn't want to think about it.
Now its all come to the forefront and I started to think about leaving and was looking for a flat so I could move out with me and DS (DD is at uni)
But he's saying that he wants to try and make it work, that he's been a fool and that now I'm actually maybe leaving him it's made him realise what an idiot he's been.
He is trying to change and has been trying to give me hugs/ kisses sex etc. He says he won't use porn any more? I don't really know if I care whether he does or not.
I want to give him a chance though as this has all just come out of nowhere... we drifted apart so much, this is literally the first time we talked about sex for over a year. But I don't know if I can get past the worry and upset. I'm in a negative spiral of thinking about it.

OP posts:
namechanged221 · 15/08/2021 10:37

I should just add that he looks at porn on Reddit and that this has content from onlyfans. I don't know what any of it means, whether that is worse than normal porn sites.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 15/08/2021 10:39

If he wanted to stop he’d have done it. I couldn’t respect a man who prefers wanking over other women on a screen to having sex with me and my actual body. For a year. I think you’re right to leave.

namechanged221 · 15/08/2021 10:45

Thanks, I have this reaction too but I don't think either of us made an effort with each other.
So maybe we could both try but I'm finding it hard as I just feel very hurt by it all.
Just to put things in context, we are both late 40s

OP posts:
GotTheDisneyBlues · 15/08/2021 10:50

If this is the first time you've talked about sex in a year, as you've said in your OP, then I think it's at least worth having conversations about it and giving it some time?

Why has it been so long? Low sex drive/health issues/just dwindled over time?

Everyone is entitled to feel how they feel about porn, and if that's a line in the sand for you then that's fine. But if neither of you have shown any interest at all during this time, and haven't brought it up, then I don't know that he'd necessarily feel he was in the wrong? He's took care of his own needs, potentially feeling that you've been doing the same?

Sorry if I've misunderstood anything.

layladomino · 15/08/2021 10:51

Set aside for one minute what he is saying. Set aside any thoughts of how you 'should' feel..... How do you actually feel? Do you still love him, respect him, feel loved, trust him completely?

If you answer yes to all of those questions then there may be some hope. If you answer no to any of them then there is very little hope.

He has chosen porn over and above you for a long long time. To the extent that you didn't have sex for over a year. He chose that. He is now saying sorry, but I can understand why you are questionning does he really mean it. If you still love him, want to be with him, can forgive him, respect him, then you could suggest you seek counselling together to find out why you ended up where you are and if he can change long term,

If he won't seek any help then it's up to you if you can put any faith in him changing long term.

However I would completely understand if the damage is already done, and you don't want to sit it out and wait to see if he is in fact capable of giving up porn. It would have put me off him for good.

Pinkbonbon · 15/08/2021 10:51

Well, what's the need to try really? I mean, it sounds like the love has gone?

Maybe worth moving out anyway and thinking on it from there. Seeing if you feel happier without him.

GotTheDisneyBlues · 15/08/2021 10:52

Just seen that it's been an ongoing thing - did you have an issue with it at the beginning? Or was it not such a big deal then because you were still having sex?

namechanged221 · 15/08/2021 10:59

@GotTheDisneyBlues yes I was always upset about it but as we had an ok sex life it just seemed like I could forget it was there.

OP posts:
namechanged221 · 15/08/2021 11:00

I agree that I didn't make an effort either. So that's why I'm trying to understand

OP posts:
kaleidoscopeheartless · 15/08/2021 11:01

I don't mind porn but choosing to masturbate to a video over having sex with your loved one would be a massive problem for me.

namechanged221 · 15/08/2021 11:02

@layladomino
Thank you, maybe we should seek counselling

It could help. I think he would agree to it, it's more my own feelings about being embarrassed!!
Pathetic I know.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 15/08/2021 11:08

No,you're not the one with the problem op. And I worry that you are already saying your feelings are the issue as if you dont have the right to feel betrayed, abandoned and like his latest change if heart is just too little too late, at best. At worst, its bs.

Its not your job to stifle your feelings or change you in any way. He has the problem and he is the one that needs to actively seek help. Why hasn't HE suggesting counciling? Why hasn't he gone to his gp? Why didnt he seek help years ago when he was obviously hurting you?

The onus is not on you to forgive or forget. It's on him to prove he is worthy of that. And I would argue that considering he has treated you this way for a long time...he is really not.

Moonface123 · 15/08/2021 11:11

You sound like you've already decided to stay, how confident are you that this will actually be it this time?
It wouldn't be for me, it sounds like he has an addiction.

TakeYourFinalPosition · 15/08/2021 11:14

There's no 'supposed' to feel here... you feel how you feel. You have to run with your gut on this because while everyone can tell you how they feel, it's your life that this will impact.

You need to ask yourself whether you are okay with your partner using porn.
If not, you need to ask yourself why you ignored it - it's not uncommon, but you need to understand why.
Then you need to ask yourself if you can continue to ignore it, or if you don't want to anymore.
Does the type of porn matter? If it was random free porn from PornHub, would that be better than Reddit and Onlyfans? Where is your line here?
And finally, how do you feel about him, overall? Do you love him? Is the attraction still there, if you managed to go 12 months without sex?

You wouldn't be the first woman who had ignored porn usage initially because you wanted things to work out. I have a close friend who was adamant that all men watch porn, and that she could live with it... five years down the line, she couldn't anymore. She says her perspective on porn didn't change, but her circumstances did - they got married and had children, and she'd been concerned she'd run out of time for that if she left him first off.

It also wouldn't be the first relationship where the porn use has gone from being "acceptable" to not over time. Like anything else, it's a habit than can level up. It's not uncommon for people to go from free porn to more unusual niches, or chat cams, or Reddit, etc.

For me, a year without sex would have been a dealbreaker anyway, if there's been no reason for it. Obviously, if DH was unwell or injured or something, we'd make it work, but we wouldn't have the relationship or the marriage that we have if neither of us wanted sex.

My concern with the two sites you've mentioned is that they're both more "interactive" forms of porn. I'm presuming that you're talking about the subs where people share photos and videos of themselves or their partners... and Onlyfans is Onlyfans. While that can be more "natural" porn, as it's "real" people, it also lets you get a lot closer to the person in the videos than conventional free porn... and that'd be a bit of an issue for me.

But you have to answer the questions yourself, so you know if this is worth saving, if you want to save it, and how you'd need to do that. And then you'd need to talk to him to see if he feels the same (unless you decide you don't want to stay, that can be a unilateral decision).

2021V2 · 15/08/2021 11:19

@layladomino

Set aside for one minute what he is saying. Set aside any thoughts of how you 'should' feel..... How do you actually feel? Do you still love him, respect him, feel loved, trust him completely?

If you answer yes to all of those questions then there may be some hope. If you answer no to any of them then there is very little hope.

He has chosen porn over and above you for a long long time. To the extent that you didn't have sex for over a year. He chose that. He is now saying sorry, but I can understand why you are questionning does he really mean it. If you still love him, want to be with him, can forgive him, respect him, then you could suggest you seek counselling together to find out why you ended up where you are and if he can change long term,

If he won't seek any help then it's up to you if you can put any faith in him changing long term.

However I would completely understand if the damage is already done, and you don't want to sit it out and wait to see if he is in fact capable of giving up porn. It would have put me off him for good.

This. He has rejected you in favour of a fantasy sex life with him not needing to be emotional sexually and mentally giving and mutual but just to take it. Porn Is a deal breaker for me and I make it clear early on.

If he is willing to accept that he need counselling for addiction and if he is willing to go for marriage counselling with a counsellor who supports the fact that porn is negative maybe he can start but it needs to be now and it needs to be him making the effort not saying but doing

spotcheck · 15/08/2021 11:28

Only fans would be crossing a line for me. Well, porn use isn't great either, but the onlyfans thing is pretty gross. Have you seen the content?
My concern would be that after years of use, he may be pushing the boundaries more and more- to the point that ' normal' sex just won't do it for him.

picklemewalnuts · 15/08/2021 11:40

So, he knew you didn't like him using porn, but chose to carry on. He knew you were drifting apart, and weren't having sex, but he chose to do nothing. He knew you were unhappy, but he was fine, so he chose to do nothing.
Is that right?

What's the row about, that you are leaving? Basically you are doing something that makes him unhappy, and all of a sudden it matters?!

BrilloPaddy · 15/08/2021 11:45

You may find that "vanilla" sex is off the cards anyway, if he's been doing this for over a year............

And are you prepared to police his phone/internet viewing?

I think you've got your head in the clouds, sorry. Aren't you worth more?

namechanged221 · 15/08/2021 15:26

Thank you so much to everybody who has replied .
It really means a lot as I'm currently feeling very isolated and just being able to talk about it is so helpful to me.
I'll read all this property again later and respond properly

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 15/08/2021 15:48

I always say it's none of anyone's business how a partner masturbates.

But if he's been withholding sex then that's a separate issue, and it's often not a porn issue, it's a control issue.

TheQueef · 15/08/2021 15:53

Did he volunteer the Only Fans information? How much is he spending on it?

Crikeyalmighty · 15/08/2021 16:24

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation. Didnt you work in the sex industry though?? I don’t think how often anyone masturbates is anyone’s business unless it affects your life , however I do think if living with someone or married and effectively entwining your lives then I feel you do have a right to know if someone is using porn — especially if it’s not just ‘occasional and is more of an addiction. it might be a total dealbreaker for you - would you say , I don’t think it’s anyone else’s business if your partner smokes weed or drinks a bottle of wine a day- porn is a habit that some people will be ok with and some won’t at all.

namechanged221 · 15/08/2021 16:52

@TheQueef
Yes he did volunteer the info. I asked him about it.

, onlyfans content is available free on some subreddits so he's watched it on that.
He doesn't actually have an account. What he said checks out on that. But it's still watching the content. And I think it's worse than just looking at some random porn on pornhub, yes.

OP posts:
namechanged221 · 15/08/2021 16:53

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

This is true but which comes first, the porn or the withholding of sex, I think it's obviously connected.

OP posts:
namechanged221 · 15/08/2021 16:59

@spotcheck
No I haven't seen the content but I guess it's worse than ordinary porn from what little I've read about it and what I've seen on Mumsnet.

OP posts:
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