To realise you’re not in love anymore?

[Usernamechanged]

I read about so many horrific situations on here, that it feels quite trivial - and I'm struggling to get my head around the impact on our primary-aged DC basically because I want something more. It feels quite selfish?

My marriage is not awful, he’s not a bad person and there is certainly no abuse. He can be hard work and selfish, life with him is full on drama and his drinking has caused issues but I guess that once upon a time I loved him enough to overlook those things. Every relationship has compromises. Perhaps I’ve just run out patience? We rub along fine most of the time but the bottom line is I’m just not in love with him anymore I don’t think.

It will break his heart. He says he loves me more than ever, and actually I’m finding it claustrophobic because he’s constantly on about how he feels stronger than ever, fancies me, etc. He knows I’m not happy and has been making an effort around the things that he knows bother me, being calmer, patient with the kids etc. But I am just getting irritated by it to be honest - feels like he’s only now taking it seriously after ignoring my talking about this stuff for years.

The bottom line is it isn’t terrible but I want more, I think I’ve just run out if energy with him. I either want to be with someone I’m in love with or by myself - and I think I’m ok if it’s the latter. Is that incredibly selfish when you have kids? Has anyone left in these circumstances? How did it work out?

Following with interest because I’m in the same boat

Re your comment:-
"He can be hard work and selfish, life with him is full on drama and his drinking has caused issues but I guess that once upon a time I loved him enough to overlook those things".

You did back then and now you do not. Its not unreasonable to want more for you and for that matter your children. If he is drinking too much then that is an often insurmountable problem in itself, let alone the rest of what you've written about him (alcoholics can be extremely selfish to those around them). Any apparent effort from him now is too little and too late and probably won't last.

It may well "break his heart" but I think your heart's also been broken by him and his inherent selfishness. Its certainly not a relationship model you want to keep showing your children for them to potentially repeat in their own adult relationships.

Better to part than to be with someone whom you no longer seem to love. Staying for the sake of the children will not have them saying "thanks mum" to you for staying with such a man.

Think I’d go with ‘problem drinker’ rather than alcoholic, but I know that might be semantics. He works hard, doesn’t drink every day, but also isn’t entirely in control of it. It’s not a daily issue but definitely something I’m aware of. (And I do say this as someone who enjoys a glass of wine or two.)

And also in many ways is a good dad - engaged, for the most part pulls his weight. But also huge lack of patience and expectation basically that they can behave like mini-adults.

He is not a good dad if he treats you and in turn his children like this.

Women in poor relationships often write the "good dad" comment when they themselves can think of nothing else positive to write about their man.

Do you really think he is engaged and pulls his weight?. Those in itself are not good dad qualities. He seems to do neither from what you've written about him and seems more engaged with drinking and or his work, those are his priorities here.

And not all alcoholics either sit on park benches, pour vodka on cornflakes nor drink every day. Many of them have families and hold down jobs (till both implode under the strain of alcoholism).

Hi I felt the way you did and I left 9 months ago.
I also have young children, ages 2, 5 and 8.
For myself I am happy I left him. I am single now and expect I will be long term. BUT the best advice I can give you is to carefully consider how you will feel if he seeks 50/50 custody of your children. This happened to me, at the moment I am not seeing my children for half of their childhood and I find this incredibly difficult and upsetting, almost causing me to collapse.
Ex partner also has already found a new partner which he now wants to introduce to my children. I'm having a really hard time with this, my youngest is still a baby, really.
It is so difficult deciding what to do. I'm glad to be rid of him, but I want my children with me all the time, it is awful that there has to be this cruel trade off. I wish you all the best

Also when he has your children, whatever percentage of the time that is, he will treat them however he sees fit and you won't be there to intervene, or do anything about it.

I’m in a similar situation. I don’t find I have a partnership with my DH. We have two kids with Sen and I’ve found my DH is only vaguely interested. I read a post on here recently and someone said their DH had his bar of what he considered made him a good person but hers was different. That resonated with me. My DH won’t change because in his mind he’s a good person and his bar is low to what that means. Mine isn’t unreasonable but is different and the two don’t match up.

Thanks HotelRoom. I’m assuming he’ll want 50/50, or near to it. It will be hard, and everything child-related gets harder. I suppose “staying for the children” is partly code for “it’s just easier”, at least for some?

I am also in a similar position and tried to end things 3 years ago but backed down. H didn't make the necessary changes so I'm going through with it this time. I just want a peaceful life.

Just to add, the children have now adjusted to the split very well. They have stayed in the family home and we take turns to stay with them.
I struggle with the situation more than they do, honestly.
On the upside, I feel more like my true self than I have in decades spent with exP.
I love that the children get to see the real, authentic me when I am with them and not the depressed and resentful person my ex made me.
I think also, the longer you stay while feeling this way, the harder it will become to leave. At the moment you may be able to keep things amicable with partner which is so important for the children's sake.
Everybody in the family adjusts, just at different rates.
Prioritising yourself in many ways automatically prioritises your children, because you ultimately become a happier person and parent.

@Usernamechanged

Thanks HotelRoom. I’m assuming he’ll want 50/50, or near to it. It will be hard, and everything child-related gets harder. I suppose “staying for the children” is partly code for “it’s just easier”, at least for some?

I think that's very honest.

I 'stayed for the children' but eventually the camel's back broke and I kicked him out without even thinking of the consequences.

The consequences were that the children and I were both have happier with him gone. I have never once regretted it - even when his life has looked better than mine when measured against almost every metric. Once the children were old enough to articulate it, they said said same.

How bad is his drinking exactly?
I lost any feelings and respect for my husband in the end and I think it was a case of him gradually grinding me down with his drinking and total disrespect for me when it came to the booze
In the end it was the drinking in the morning (with our dc 🙄) lying about it and trying to gaslight me which put the nail in the coffin

@HotelRoomforOne, do you find it works taking turns in the family home?

Hi @Fadingout it has worked really well.
The children have benefitted from having their stuff all in one place, keeping their neighbour friends and their school all unchanged. So much less traumatic then it could have been for them.
BUT I don't communicate verbally with Ex, only by text message. I say goodbye to the children and leave the minute he arrives. I still find it to upsetting to deal with him in person, so I stick to these rules. I don't even look at him.
I keep an inexpensive 2 room apartment where I sleep while he has the children. He goes to his girlfriend's when I have the children. But the children have stability, just one bedroom in one house.
We each leave the house as clean as possible when we leave it. Stocked with food etc. We don't share the same bedroom in the house. We split the cost of the "children's" house. It works well, for now. Eventually I want to have my own place that has nothing at all to do with him, but this will be well down the line when the children are older and better able to understand it all.

Gosh nothing like that - definitely not morning drinking. Too much reliance on it after stressful days/ weeks/ etc, to the extent it has an impact on his mental health/ resilience/ etc. But not as bad as your experience.

I don’t think we could afford to keep three places. The financial aspect worries me…I can’t bear to make the kids move but will struggle to keep the house by myself. Have posted about this before…another practical ‘thing’ that makes it feel easier to stay.

Even if that isn’t what I really want, to stay as we are. It just feels overwhelmingly complicated and hard to actually tackle it.

My biggest worry is the financial side of things. I wouldn’t be able to run our house on my own. I’m also not sure I could deal with the stress felt by the kids. Especially the older one who is autistic.

Yes the financial barriers are a real problem. The world has been designed like this by mostly male governments to make it harder for women to run their own households.
I could only manage this because both the family house and the apartment are rentals in inexpensive areas.
There are other ways such as single parent shared housing, look for any government assistance you can. Research it all before leaving.
There will be so many reasons not to leave but once you set events in motion you find you solve each problem as it arises. Your living conditions may not be as good as they were in the family home, but you will still be happier in your own company, and autonomy. Radical thought, but I really believe women should stop attempting to live in households with men altogether. It grinds you down.
There is very very little it for us, and alot to lose.

@Fadingout i understand the added difficulty with your eldest child. They would probably benefit from staying in the family home, less upheaval. It is so hard I know. I realised I was totally on my own living WITH my partner so I would try to find a workable way to leave. But in other years this wouldn't have been possible for me, I just wouldn't have had the money.

Radical thought, but I really believe women should stop attempting to live in households with men altogether. It grinds you down.
There is very very little it for us, and alot to lose

This is what a lot of young women and men are starting to think (for different reasons) and one of the reasons we're experiencing an increasing population decline.

@Bretoony I'm not saying women shouldn't have children, but both the children and women would, in many cases, be better off in their own housing, if it wasn't all so expensive.
Consider the huge incidence of male violence towards women and children in their homes. As well as the wide range of unhappy to unbearable situations described by the women on these boards, many related to living in houses with men.

He ‘loves you more than ever’ and he’s making an
effort because he can feel that you are checking out.

If you checked back in, it would be business as usual.

He’s doing it to keep the status quo, not because you’re the love of his life.