To realise you’re not in love anymore?

[Usernamechanged]

I read about so many horrific situations on here, that it feels quite trivial - and I'm struggling to get my head around the impact on our primary-aged DC basically because I want something more. It feels quite selfish?

My marriage is not awful, he’s not a bad person and there is certainly no abuse. He can be hard work and selfish, life with him is full on drama and his drinking has caused issues but I guess that once upon a time I loved him enough to overlook those things. Every relationship has compromises. Perhaps I’ve just run out patience? We rub along fine most of the time but the bottom line is I’m just not in love with him anymore I don’t think.

It will break his heart. He says he loves me more than ever, and actually I’m finding it claustrophobic because he’s constantly on about how he feels stronger than ever, fancies me, etc. He knows I’m not happy and has been making an effort around the things that he knows bother me, being calmer, patient with the kids etc. But I am just getting irritated by it to be honest - feels like he’s only now taking it seriously after ignoring my talking about this stuff for years.

The bottom line is it isn’t terrible but I want more, I think I’ve just run out if energy with him. I either want to be with someone I’m in love with or by myself - and I think I’m ok if it’s the latter. Is that incredibly selfish when you have kids? Has anyone left in these circumstances? How did it work out?

Interesting perspective Stoic - I suspect there is truth in that.

Agreed his neediness is due to him realising that you're withdrawing.

I would suggest a big ultimatum of sort yourself out (counselling, alcohol support) or you're gone. Then see if there's any hope.

Start getting your ducks in a row though. I don't think rescuing these situations (especially with substance abuse) are very common.

I can relate. 20 years together, 2 kids under 10 and I’m so bored. We don’t chat and laugh and he’s just not good company. I feel bored and fed up.
Outside the house I’m A totally different person, all the fun, but I feel a bit like he sucks the joy out of me.

I just wanted to share my story as I was in exactly the same position years ago. I waited far too long before deciding to leave and my children were in their late teens before I finally left. We had been together for 23 years at that point.The first six months were hard, my children blamed me and couldn't understand why I did it. My ex begged me to return saying he'd change and become everything I wanted and had asked for over the years. Having left I felt I had to stick with my decision even though everyone was angry and confused and at times it would have been so easy just to give in and go back..
Six months later my ex admitted that I had done the right thing, he would never have done it but he knew he wasn't happy either, he just didn't want the change and upheaval of separating. He actually thanked me for doing it. My children remained angry with me for some time (although when we separated they came to live with me. That was very...challenging)
We are now a few years down the line. My children agree that we are both much happier apart and now understand why I did it. My ex and I are friends and support each other even though we have separate homes and lives. I have my own home which I adore and the feeling of independence is worth every second of the first year of difficulty and anger from everyone. I have dated but I have no desire to share my home again with anyone. I am happier on my own than I ever was as a couple. My children have all left home but visit often and we have a much more open and honest relationship. (I may have even had the odd apology from them for being so awful at that time)
The only regret I have, if it can be called a regret, is not doing it sooner when my children were younger. I think they would have coped better as they wouldn't have grown up seeing us being polite to each other and looking as if we were still happy. Please feel free to ask any questions.

I am going through this now, a tiny bit further down the line as we have separated, engagement ring off and he is staying in the spare room as he doesn't have any family nearby for him to stay with and doesn’t have anymore as he has been spending it all online gaming (our most recent surprise from him).

Atm he is trying his hardest to right 10 years worth of wrongs and I just ignore it.

Our DD is 12 and just can’t be bothered with him either.

I do feel bad for him as he clearly has some issues that I have ignored because I loved him but I do not want a relationship with him anymore.

He needs to move out but we can’t see him on the streets

Remember that he would be under a legal duty to pay child maintenance, and you are entitled to half of everything he owns- house, savings etc.

My wife has similar feelings of no longer being in love with me. In fact it sounds very close to home. I can sympathise with both of you. I highly recommend counselling for both of you. Separate at the beginning so you can both be honest then if there is anything worth fighting for try it together. I too have made mistakes and wasn't fully aware until she sat me down, when my world broke in two. Good luck and I hope you can be happy in your choices.