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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

To love my partner although I find him annoying

41 replies

Lovelybottom · 14/08/2021 21:31

I often find conversations with my partner really irritating.

We are very different and our families are very different. My family talk to each other, are interested in each other and pay attention (we have our spats but they always get sorted pretty quickly). His family don't. They shout at each other nonstop and everything gets misconstrued. They can't sort anything out or resolve the tiniest disagreement. This is true of all of his siblings, not just when he's involved. Even more bizarrely he speaks a different language to his mother, they both speak in their own language, didn't learn the other language and nearly every conversation descends into arguing and upsets him.

He doesn't shout at me or argue with me the way his family do with each other. But we never have a satisfying conversation. I often find myself running through stuff in my head I want to tell him about (things that happened that day, something I was thinking about) but it never goes to plan. I will tell him, he will either interject with a misunderstanding and I'll get frustrated or he will make passive aggressive noises to demonstrate he wants me to finish talking and I'll feel under pressure to stop talking. I've tried explaining all this to him and he tells me he will try harder to be considerate and make an effort to ask about my day but it feels like that's not what I need, I want him to actually be interested in my day or what's going on with me.

I don't think he knows any other way to communicate. He has no close friends (like I have) but doesn't seem to notice, he has plenty of people that he meets up regularly with for his hobbies.

I don't think I have explained it very clearly so I'll give the most recent example. I had a really big important day yesterday in a work capacity. I am setting up a new business, it's all totally new to me. I went to a training day and met other industry people. Some of them I'd had some dealings with and he knew of. I came home reflecting on all the things that happened and wished I had someone at home I could chat to about it all. I know if I was with my mum or sister or brother I could. That seems normal to me but not to him.

I do love him but I don't know how compatible we are. He's a really decent, clever, loyal, honest guy. We have a child and a house together and are engaged to be married.

AIBU to continue with this relationship and think it wil fulfill me?

OP posts:

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 14/08/2021 21:45

Ooooh i dunno. Are you ok with never getting that acknowledgement and ping pong interaction from him? I love my DH but i know that certain types of conversations will never be had with him. But i get other stuff from him that I dont get elsewhere.

Original poster

Lovelybottom · 14/08/2021 21:56

@StrictlyAFemaleFemale

I could do without the ping pong interaction with him and get that elsewhere but I feel sad (for both of us) that we don't share or discuss things.

When I came home last night I was on a high. Then hours later after my attempt to tell him was fruitless, I found my mood steadily slumping. He was telling me in detail about his gym session and about a news story that I would have zero interest in and i felt like I was just there as a prop, not another person interacting with him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lovelybottom · 14/08/2021 22:45

I had this moved from AIBU and hoping for some replies.

I have been thinking more about it since I posted. I don't want to leave as I don't want my daughter to live between two houses, I don't want the upheaval. Are they good enough reasons to stay? Things are fine. I feel I'm losing myself though and a sense of who I am. I feel subdued.

He's always on about spending family time together and up until recently I've gone along with it all the time. However I am now making arrangements to do things without him. I've realised I want to get back to myself. I'm visiting a friend for lunch on Monday, I know he was a bit peeved that I didn't invite him - friend is a married guy, I've known him and wife years. We have had dinner with them both before and been on a group holiday. There is zero romantic element, he is my old friend and I really want to see him alone. I know DP is a bit hurt he wasn't invited, there have been a few of these instances recently but I want to go and enjoy myself even for a few hours.

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/08/2021 22:56

*Are they good enough reasons to stay? Things are fine. I feel I'm losing myself though

not fine

and a sense of who I am.

not fine

I feel subdued.

not fine

We can only go on what you say on here OP - it doesn't sound 'fine' to me. What are the plus points? Presumably there are many if you are torn?

I would be quite hurt that if at the start of setting up my new business, a partner wasn't excited for me and cheerleading me - asking me how it went, who I met etc. Let alone feeling like it's not worth telling him as he won't be that bothered!

Dora26 · 14/08/2021 23:05

RFTH and re-find yourself - you have already started. Your partnership is based on sand - for God’s sake dont marry him

spotcheck · 14/08/2021 23:09

But you don't seem to like him, and seem to feel superior to him and his family.
Do you respect him at all?

Original poster

Lovelybottom · 14/08/2021 23:30

@spotcheck

But you don't seem to like him, and seem to feel superior to him and his family. Do you respect him at all?

I do like him. I talked about his family because I've been thinking a lot recently about how differently his family communicates to how my family communicates. Conversation doesn't flow between them, they don't ask each other questions about what's going on with them. I've realised I'm getting frustrated because I want him to behave more like my family but why would he? It's as ridiculous as him expecting me to behave like his family.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 14/08/2021 23:32

You don't have to live with or marry every single man that you love.

Your life would be so much easier if you decided who you would like to live with based on their behaviour.

Original poster

Lovelybottom · 14/08/2021 23:36

@youvegottenminuteslynn I know what you are saying about the absence of interest and cheerleading. In the past I've been very hurt in similar circumstances. What I've become aware of though is that it's not that he's not proud of me, excited for me, he simply doesn't express that as most people do. He has older DC from a previous marriage who he is crazy about and bursting with pride yet he gets it wrong with them too a lot. I've noticed one brags incessantly, i thought it was strange initially but she is clearly trying to get acknowledgement from him. And when they are talking he often interrupts or changes the subject. I've witnessed it and know how it's coming across to them but he is clueless of the effect he's having.

OP posts:

Dogoodfeelgood · 14/08/2021 23:44

I’ve had relationships like this and I’ve had ones where a partner is truly listening and attentive and interested in my experiences. The latter is a much much nicer and enriching experience. However, you have a child together so the balance of pros and cons is different here. If I already had a child with someone and conversation wasn’t great but I had no other complaints then I would think very hard before leaving them. This is usually the sort of thing you weed out in the dating stages and decide not to proceed with if it bothers you…

Dogoodfeelgood · 14/08/2021 23:47

I would also be careful about meeting this married man, who is presumably a better conversationalist. You are clearly pining for this particular quality in a partner and I don’t know if it’s the best idea to seek this in someone else’s husband. It’s risky. Not saying it in a judgemental way, just in a been there done that way! If you value your relationship and family unit I would be seeking this conversation that you need from safer sources, like a girlfriend or your own family. Maybe if you make sure you’re sated with the kind of chat you want and need, then you can find other fulfilling ways to connect with your partner, quality time and physical touch etc. Have a look into love languages theory too!

Finaj · 14/08/2021 23:49

You have perfectly described my partner and relationship. After a particularly unpleasant day, I'm considering if I really want to keep doing this.

Original poster

Lovelybottom · 14/08/2021 23:51

@Dogoodfeelgood

This is my dilemma @Dogoodfeelgood. I haven't posted the good stuff but it is there, he's kind, we share values, he's clever, he's fair, he does over and above with household stuff, he's trustworthy, loyal, generous.

I don't know why I didn't weed this out early in the relationship but unbelievable as it sounds i just couldn't out my finger on what was annoying me. It was only very recently it came out me that I don't enjoy our conversations, that I don't feel listened to, they don't progress anywhere (light-hearted or heavier topic), that I don't feel I'm sharing.

A pp said above our relationship was based on sand. I have started to feel like that. The friendship, the closeness is missing.

OP posts:

Keepitonthedownlow · 14/08/2021 23:51

Has he always been like this?

Keepitonthedownlow · 14/08/2021 23:54

Sorry, cross post.

It seems like there are positive aspects of him. Is his lack of conversational skills something that could be changed over time, do you think? Like, with gentle coaching of a sustained period of time? Or via couple counselling?

Original poster

Lovelybottom · 14/08/2021 23:55

@Dogoodfeelgood I appreciate your caution about the married man but I have misrepresented that. There is definitely no interest there or anything untoward. We are friends a long time but the last few meetups were in our couples. I mentioned it was a male friend as i can't say "no it's a girl's lunch, you're not invited". I didn't give any reason, just said I wanted to go on my own. Partner looked hurt, he knows I'm unhappy and he is trying. I've seen him change other behaviours based on what I've said recently.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lovelybottom · 14/08/2021 23:56

@Finaj

You have perfectly described my partner and relationship. After a particularly unpleasant day, I'm considering if I really want to keep doing this.

What happened today Finaj? How are things usually?

OP posts:

Original poster

Lovelybottom · 15/08/2021 00:00

@Keepitonthedownlow

Sorry, cross post.

I think the lack of conversational skills is a smokescreen. I think he has no experience of close and supportive relationships anywhere in his life. He doesn't really have curiosity about me. He is happy for us to live together and get on well and spend time together.

OP posts:

sunnyzweibrucken · 15/08/2021 00:56

“He doesn't really have curiosity about me. He is happy for us to live together and get on well and spend time together.”

This perfectly describes my ex. After 9 years I don’t think my ex knows much about me that I haven’t offered up without him asking. He’s maybe been curious about me a handful of times in all those years. He never followed up and asked how interviews, doctor appointments, first days at work, get together with friends went - ever. He’s never asked me questions about my family or my childhood.

He has also said he’s just want to be with someone that’s happy to sit, have a meal together and watch a movie. That’s his perfect relationship. I don’t understand it. But it sure is lonely being with someone like this.

Frankie6265427 · 15/08/2021 01:45

I have a similar partner and have been trying to understand him for years. It's taken a lot of conversations of me asking questions and trying to figure him out. We worked out that he lives pretty much solely in the present. Trying to get him to live in the past or future isn't where he's most comfortable but he will try.

Sociology would describe us as 'activity partners'. Worth a Google. No idea if it's accurate or made up really. We bond well when doing an activity together like painting a room, going shopping or going on holiday. I really love going on holiday with him. But then we have to take a break and recharge.

We've been together 14 years. He's got so many qualities that I want in a man that we just keep working on things. It's not been a natural compatibility between us, we've had to figure things out and grow. But we have both grown and worked on seeing how the other sees the world. I'm quite an airy fairy type and he's extremely detail focused in the physical world.

As to whether you should continue, it's complicated when you have a kid in the mix. You're probably quite similar in some ways but perceive the world completely differently. Different parts of it interest you compared to what interest him perhaps?

I don't know if my situation is the same or if I'm projecting. My family is similar to yours but my husbands is different, they don't contact each other a lot but all seem fine with that arrangement. It can be months. Whereas I see/speak to my mum daily.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/08/2021 02:06

I'm astounded you've stayed with him long enough to have a child. The two of you can't communicate, how can you possibly think a marriage to him would last? It will be a disaster and you are already resentful and frustrated. I've been happily married for 25 years, and I can guarantee you will never have that with this man. It's doomed to fail. Don't be foolish enough to marry him.

Original poster

Lovelybottom · 15/08/2021 07:35

@Frankie6265427 thank you for that fantastic post, you hit the nail on the head for loads of it. I do really enjoy doing activities with him. I will Google that term.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lovelybottom · 15/08/2021 07:36

@sunnyzweibrucken so much of that rings true, especially the never asking me about my childhood or family. I feel like his companion when I want a soul mate.

OP posts:

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 15/08/2021 07:51

What we witness as children, we recreate as adults. To him, a marriage is lots of shouting. He realised that wasn't good, so he's pushed himself into a place where he's not abusive to you, but he has no role model of love and caring for a partner.

Do you want your DD to grow up thinking that's normal?

deeplyambivalent · 15/08/2021 08:43

OP, I know what it's like being in a relationship where you start to say something and then think better of it because you know you're going to get shut down or not listened to or interrupted etc, and it's a lonely place.

A friend told me about a theory that says we make 'bids' for connection. So, small example, you're sitting together and you say: oh, I can hear the robin singing. Best scenario from him is to pick up on the bid (oh yes, isn't that nice/yes I saw him yesterday/etc). Neutral scenario is kind of : uh huh. Worst scenario where he rejects the bid is, eg: you and your bloody birds/ starts argument etc

Conversation is connection and, depending on what your love language is (that's a whole nother pop psychology theory) it can be make or break.

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