To love my partner although I find him annoying

[Lovelybottom]

I often find conversations with my partner really irritating.

We are very different and our families are very different. My family talk to each other, are interested in each other and pay attention (we have our spats but they always get sorted pretty quickly). His family don't. They shout at each other nonstop and everything gets misconstrued. They can't sort anything out or resolve the tiniest disagreement. This is true of all of his siblings, not just when he's involved. Even more bizarrely he speaks a different language to his mother, they both speak in their own language, didn't learn the other language and nearly every conversation descends into arguing and upsets him.

He doesn't shout at me or argue with me the way his family do with each other. But we never have a satisfying conversation. I often find myself running through stuff in my head I want to tell him about (things that happened that day, something I was thinking about) but it never goes to plan. I will tell him, he will either interject with a misunderstanding and I'll get frustrated or he will make passive aggressive noises to demonstrate he wants me to finish talking and I'll feel under pressure to stop talking. I've tried explaining all this to him and he tells me he will try harder to be considerate and make an effort to ask about my day but it feels like that's not what I need, I want him to actually be interested in my day or what's going on with me.

I don't think he knows any other way to communicate. He has no close friends (like I have) but doesn't seem to notice, he has plenty of people that he meets up regularly with for his hobbies.

I don't think I have explained it very clearly so I'll give the most recent example. I had a really big important day yesterday in a work capacity. I am setting up a new business, it's all totally new to me. I went to a training day and met other industry people. Some of them I'd had some dealings with and he knew of. I came home reflecting on all the things that happened and wished I had someone at home I could chat to about it all. I know if I was with my mum or sister or brother I could. That seems normal to me but not to him.

I do love him but I don't know how compatible we are. He's a really decent, clever, loyal, honest guy. We have a child and a house together and are engaged to be married.

AIBU to continue with this relationship and think it wil fulfill me?

Interesting @deeplyambivalent. He probably would sit and listen to the bird with me. He just wouldn't be interested in me sharing my thoughts on the day I had with him.

To the pp who said he doesn't show love, I think he does. He is affectionate, tells me he loves me, calls me beautiful, takes our child downstairs in the morning and brings me coffee in bed, helps carry my stuff to the car in the morning, buys me thoughtful things when he's doing the grocery shop. He is kind and committed.

But I don't feel a closeness with him that I've felt in many friendships and previous relationships.

One of the dangers here is that because you're not getting your intellectual and emotional needs met in the partnership, you'll end up having an affair.

I'm not a big believer in one person having to meet all a partner's needs and match them exactly, but I feel like you kind of need to hit the major ones.

Don't listen to @spotcheck . They're trying to upset or goad you I would say. Their comment was so obtuse I'm finding it hard not to see it as deliberate.

OP, you've described the situation well. I'm sorry you're in this situation because you love him but I'm not sure he can provide what you need. Communication might be more important to you than him, therefore getting it right is important. It's possible that on top of not being as people orientated, he's also not good at understanding the way others think either which is why you are having so many dissatisfying interactions. Having satisfying interactions is kind of one of the foundations of any positive relationship. Does he even enjoy talking very much? Does he have an friends?

But he does talk about himself, he just isn't interested in you or anyone else.

For me conversation is a massive part of a relationship. One thing that I didn't have with my ex after the first year or so and it meant that I ended up not wanting to spend time with him. Just sitting next to him watching tv wasn't a relationship.

My boyfriend and I spend hours and hours talking when we are together. Chatting whilst walking the dogs, hours chatting whilst cooking and having dinner.

Whereas with my ex, I'd cook dinner by myself and then we would eat it watching tv.

With my boyfriend, I can't remember the last time we got to watch tv despite planning to, because we are talking to each other. Of course we don't live together so I'm sure if we did then we would spend some evenings watching tv .

The point is that all my relationships except for my ex, I've had this and I didn't realise until years after being with my ex, that that was what was missing. There were other issues like control, jealousy etc.

In conclusion, despite having a child together, I wouldn't like to continue that relationship. You'll end up not wanting to spend time with him or sleep with him, wanting to spend time with your friends and family who do listen to you and you may meet someone who does listen to you and start to develop feelings

Thanks @EarthSight and @Sakurami. I do worry that I will 'connect with' somebody else down the line.

No he doesn't have friends in the way that I do. He has plenty of friends that he spends time with doing activities but they are uncomplicated relationships. It was when our baby was born that I really noticed it; I was in hospital after a c and he had nobody to phone to go for a celebratory pint with.

I'm reluctant to discuss serious matters with him anymore (about anything) as I come away feeling even more upset. I've noticed he does try but he never seems to understand what I'm saying. His family lurches from one crisis to the next and don't have the skills to sort anything out together. They try, arrange a call and inevitably the shouting starts within minutes.

Another thing that we really clash on is he always wants to be doing stuff and he's always making an effort and encouraging me to 'be social'. I am pretty chatty and outgoing too but don't find these constant interactions to have any substance.

Sounds like his emotional needs are fewer and simpler than yours. Not an unusual scenario. One one hand it can bee good because they're pretty low maintenance, but on the other hands, they don't really understand why you need the type of interaction that you do. You see this type of situation fairly frequently - a woman feels like her marriage is more like a friendship or she feels ignored, whilst he seems pretty happy with the way things are because most of his emotional needs are met. Either that, or you sound like you could be more of an introvert socially. If he's more extroverted, he will probably seek out a greater number of people to have light-medium interactions with, rather than a smaller number of people to have deep or lasting relationships with.

I don't know what to advise here because these character differences cannot be overcome. You don't just want acting - you need someone who is more genuinely on the same page as you.

Also, he could be encouraging you to be more social because he feels like your leaning on him too much, and you should be talking about certain subjects with friends rather than with him. However, it doesn't sound to me like you need anything highly unusual - people generally do talk about their day with their spouse. Mind you, if he's the type to internalise everything and not share, he might not be very sympathetic or understanding as to why you need to talk this way with him, which will be seen as a nuisance and something he wishes you would do with a friend. Listening and empathising is emotional labour, and some people neither have the patience nor interest in doing that.

He is who he is. You are who you are. Both of you sound normal, more or less. Neither of you are going to change.

All of us have partners who we're not 100% on the same page with. Different habits, communication styles, needs. Usually there's more than enough in common to make up for the differences.

I guess the question you need to ask yourself is whether those differences are a dealbreaker for you in the long term. Whether they're differences you can overcome or ignore, or whether the prospect of living like this forever fills you with dread. That's a highly individual thing to decide, and the choices any of us would make aren't necessarily going to have any bearing on it.

It feels as though he has no interest in your feelings, your opinions, your interests, how your day went.

I can understand that because of how his family are, he might have withdrawn and be frightened to 'rock the boat' but that doesn't explain his lack of interest in what you have to say.

You say he acts in a very loving way, he is thoughtful in his actions, he pulls his weight etc. Which is all very positive, but doesn't quite square with the fact that he doesn't have any interest in 'you'. He doesn't want to hear about you or your thoughts and experiences.

When you have asked him, how does he explain the fact that he doesn't want to listen to you or hear what you have to say?

I would find that difficult. A partner should listen to you. But, no one is perfect. You'll have to decide whether it's something you're happy to sacrifice.

If he's grown up in a family that shouts a lot, he's going to have witnessed that from a very young age. Whenever his family have a conversation it quickly goes to shouting and disagreement. You mentioned he seems to clam up a bit, get ancy when you talk. It may be that some types of conversations, perhaps more personal ones, trigger a childhood anxiety in him. So he shuts down as he thinks it will lead to shouting, subconsciously.

I get what you mean about wanting a soulmate. My soulmate isn't my DH, it's my best friend. As soon as I saw her, I just knew she was going to be a big part of my life. We have deep and interesting conversations and lots of fun together.

My ex was a big conversationalist. We could talk for hours and it was like no time had passed. Turned out to be the worst guy I ever went out with. Obviously I'm sure there are plenty guys out there who aren't like him and can have lots of conversations. My ex ticked a couple of boxes but so much was missing. Then I met my DH. He ticked almost all my boxes and a few extra. I could have decided to wait until the absolute perfect guy came along. But I saw my DH as the man I loved, the guy who is so sarcastic and funny that I snort with laughter often, who wanted marriage and kids, likes weekends away together, comforts me when I'm having a bad day and tries to work on our relationship.

Our communication is actually very good. It's hard to portray that when saying he doesn't do conversation. He just doesn't do certain types of conversation very well. His most tricky is when I get theoretical. He can do convos grounded in reality better. But he won't have conversations just for the sake of having conversations. Whereas I can talk til the cows come home and go off on tangents. Me and my kid have hilarious conversations about weird things and go off on tangents. DH is pretty amused and finds the weird things entertaining.

I gotta go now but I hope some of that might help x

Just the usual poor communication which resulted his again, usual, walking away rather than discussing a problem. He had the car keys and just left me waiting until he decided to come back with silent treatment since then.

I know he is a product of his upbringing but the lack of insight into behaviour is just so draining.

@Finaj

Just the usual poor communication which resulted his again, usual, walking away rather than discussing a problem. He had the car keys and just left me waiting until he decided to come back with silent treatment since then.

I know he is a product of his upbringing but the lack of insight into behaviour is just so draining.

Oh gosh that's awful, I'm so sorry to hear that. I don't know if i could forgive that unless it was very very very rare (as in once a decade). It is very controlling of him, leaving you waiting like that.

What really resonated me about your post was that when you came back from the important work do, interlectually stimulated and wanted to share that with the partner.
It would have brought me really down. You don't have to have an inspiring conversation every time but for me it is important that I can share those moments with my partner. Anyway hope your new venture works great!

I'd echo what a pp said. My quiet dh is overall a much better partner than all the charming conversationalists I went out with. Now I have a job where my main function is to hold meetings so Im talked out by the end of the day. We definitely like doing activities together. I do tend to assign roles to different people in my life though - mothergroup is good conversation, other friend is good for high culture and more reflective discussions. Colleague is good emotional support. Guide leader is good for a chin wag.