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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband with BPD

40 replies

wideawakekate · 14/08/2021 20:06

I’m sorry for the long post and I hope you can persevere till the end as I would really appreciate some perspective.

I have been with my DH for 25 years (18 years married) and we have 3 DC (aged 15, 16 and 21). A few years ago, DH had a mental breakdown and has since been diagnosed with depression and borderline personality disorder.

Life with DH is difficult to say to least. DH has anger issues (verbal outbursts rather than physical violence) and my DC and I are constantly walking on eggshells around him. I try to shield my DC from his low moods and outbursts as I think it is important to maintain a stable and safe environment for them. He is currently receiving private therapy and is on anti-depressants.

I feel I am supportive during his down days but one problem I find hard to deal with his need to message women. A few years ago, I discovered he had been using dating sites and talking to women. When I confronted him, he said it was only words and meant nothing. He never met with any of these women but to me the emotional side is just as bad as a physical affair. I decided to forgive and forget as I doubt many of the women of the types of sites he visited were actually genuine.

Not long after finding out about this, I had a feeling something wasn’t right. DH was displaying all the usual signs (e.g taking his phone everywhere with him, sneaking out of the room to use his phone etc). I am not proud of this but I decided to snoop on his FB and found that he had also been sending flirty messages to women on FB too and even told one women that he loved her. Again, when I confronted him, he said it was just words. He has never met with any of the women either.

It seems nothing I say or do stops him from seeking gratification from other women. I feel like a mug for putting up with it and last week, I found out he has started messaging an old school “friend” of mine. She admitted that she used to fancy him and still does and to make matters worse, DH told her that if he hadn’t started dating me he would have chosen her. DH doesn’t know that I have seen these messages as, to be honest, I know I’m going to hear the same excuse again.

I feel my mental health is starting to suffer too. I truly love DH and ideally, I would like to try marriage counselling but our budget is already stretched trying to pay for his private therapy. I know that his behaviour is connected to BPD but I’m starting to feel that I can’t take any more. Has anyone experienced anything similar?

OP posts:
Saidtoomuch · 14/08/2021 20:10

Do you and your children a favour and move him out. You'll all be so much happier. Of course your mental health is suffering, this is no way to live.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/08/2021 20:11

He’s unfaithful and abusive.

You need to protect yourself and your children from him and his behaviour. Your children are wholly dependent on you for their wellbeing and they deserve a peaceful happy home free of walking on eggshells.

They also a happy mum who isn’t torn between keeping the peace by making excuses for their angry cheating dad and leaving because she knows it’s what they need.

Mamette · 14/08/2021 20:14

Honestly OP, I don’t say this lightly but I would move on. Can you imagine how your life could be? Not having to worry about his moods, his outbursts or his pathetic messaging of OWs?

You can actually be free of all of this.

Orf1abc · 14/08/2021 20:16

Mental health problems don't excuse him being a cheat, a failed cheat at that. BPD can make someone impulsive, but they're still able to at least reflect and be accountable for their actions.

Orf1abc · 14/08/2021 20:18

I know several women with BPD, and for all their struggles they don't treat their loved ones like shit. They're vulnerable and far more likely to be a victim of abuse (they all have been at some point), not the abuser, like your husband.

fedup078 · 14/08/2021 20:18

He's using it as excuse rather this being part of his issues
He's cheating and there is no excuse for that

Kirstyhewlett2018 · 14/08/2021 20:23

Mental health is not a reason for him to be talking to other women ❤️
I suffer with psychotic depression, anxiety, ptsd, bpd and DID, I’m married with 2 children. we can be impulsive but we are still aware of what we are doing.

If it’s starting to affect your mental health too then I would suggest leaving nothing is worth more than yours and children’s mental health I hope this helps ❤️

Whywhenwhat · 14/08/2021 20:25

I have an ex with BPD, leave.
If he was engaging and accepting of his BPD and working with you to understand how his behaviours impact on the family then ok. If he is using a BPD diagnosis to be an abusive arse and cheat that is not ok. Leave, it will hurt at first as you are probably trauma bonded but you will all be so much happier in time.
Leave, you matter! you do not have to stay to keep him stable, leave to keep you sane and alive.

pointythings · 14/08/2021 20:45

I once had a line manager who had BPD. The difference was that she worked her backside off to manage the disorder. Medication, therapy, everything. She was a wonderful person and a wonderful line manager and she struggled every day of her life to be that way.

Your husband is not addressing his illness and is using it as an excuse to believe badly towards you and the DC. Leave him to face the consequences of his choices.

Outfoxedbyrabbits · 14/08/2021 20:52

What matters here is that he is abusive. It is irrelevant whether his mental health problems are the "cause" of his abusive behaviour. The fact of the matter is, he is abusive.

I feel I am supportive during his down days but one problem I find hard to deal with his need to message women.

No man NEEDS to message women. If he did genuinely need to message women then that would make him incompatible with marriage, wouldn't it? Again, it is irrelevant whether it is just words or not. The fact of the matter is, he's a cheat.

So he's an abusive cheat. Not much more to be said, unfortunately. This is who he is Flowers

HollowTalk · 14/08/2021 23:12

I can't think of any mental health problems which is resolved by talking to other women. To be honest, the sooner you live without him, the sooner you will be happy.

Bagelsandbrie · 14/08/2021 23:41

You can never be happy living like this.

Original poster
wideawakekate · 15/08/2021 09:39

@Orf1abc @Kirstyhewlett2018

Thanks for sharing this. I think from what I've read about BPD, I was under the impression that cheating was common with sufferers and that they find it hard to maintain relationships. DH is very much a people pleaser and he seems to be constantly seeking acceptance from people.

In your opinions, can his behaviour change? I don't know if he talks to his therapist about OW so I'm not sure if he even considers it a problem.

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 15/08/2021 09:42

Why would he have the slightest interest in changing it?

He enjoys it.

Shoxfordian · 15/08/2021 09:48

He’s cheated on you multiple times and he’s angry a lot of the time which your children certainly will know about and will be upset by

Why would you stay for 5 more minutes?

Original poster
wideawakekate · 15/08/2021 09:53

Thank you everyone for sharing your perspectives.

It has certainly open my eyes as I think I was seeing his cheating as part of his mental health issues and something that he couldn't help doing. As many people have said, BPD sufferers can be impulsive but they are in control of their actions so DH knows exactly what he is doing.

I suppose that the fact he won't stop doing it also proves he has little regard for me but deep down, I hoped his behaviour could be changed Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
wideawakekate · 15/08/2021 09:58

@Shoxfordian

He’s cheated on you multiple times and he’s angry a lot of the time which your children certainly will know about and will be upset by

Why would you stay for 5 more minutes?

I think it's the mental illness that makes me stay. I stupidly thought therapy would change him but he has been in therapy for 6 months and he is still chatting and flirting online.
OP posts:
Kirstyhewlett2018 · 15/08/2021 10:01

@wideawakekate

Yes it can be incredibly difficult to maintain relationships, and it does need a fair amount of reassurance at time depending on mood. Yes I am also a people pleaser I struggle majorly with people being mad/disappointed/upset with me but my main focus is my husband at no point have gone off and spoken to anyone else inappropriately.
He’ll only change if he wants to but I wouldn’t say he will... I think if I’m honest he’s using the bpd as an excuse to do it. Honesty I’ve been diagnosed for 6 years and have never gone and spoken to other men inappropriately

Focus on you and your children get yourself away and focus on your mental health first x

pointythings · 15/08/2021 10:10

It is difficult for people with BPD to maintain relationships and my former manager is twice divorced, but she never cheated on either of her husbands.

Shoxfordian · 15/08/2021 10:53

The mental illness doesn’t excuse any of this behaviour

It’s actually irrelevant. He treats you very poorly and you’re still staying with him

ClaryFairchild · 15/08/2021 11:02

People pleaser? The only person he's pleasing is himself. Do you honestly think these women are finding him and foisting their attentions into him and he doesn't know how to say no? Of course not, he is ACTIVELY looking for these women.

He does not get to look after his mental health at the expense of yours and your dc. He can continue the therapy on his own, outside of the family home. You can live in a happy and harmonious home without him. The children (and you if you wish to) can see him when he is in good mood and is good company, with the fallback option of being able to leave if his mood changes.

MushMonster · 15/08/2021 11:14

You deserve better.
He is an arsehole, the BPD does not justify it, I do not think.
He had chances to address this and change.
You cannot let him affect you more OP.
Say it to him with these words. You accepted him the way he is stayed by his side. If he does not find that ego boosting enough, neither do you. You cannot allow him to make you feel unworthy, unsafe, unloved or any other.. it will erode at your person, having to check what he is doing, getting paranoid. It will take away from your happiness and your role as mother.
He needs to sort this issue all by himself. Or either he wants his family, or the texting others with "just words".
Thanks God you have good instincts and good friends.
I would ask him to get out till he finds the answer. And get ready to split.
Check your finances, and so on.

GCITC · 15/08/2021 11:54

I have BPD and have never cheated, and would never cheat, on any of my partner's.

Please don't equate cheating behaviour with BPD, we have a heard enough time already with the stigma attached to the condition.

Your partner is simply a dick and you deserve better.

Crystalvas · 15/08/2021 12:22

While depressive episodes are a features of BPD his cheating and abuse is not. People with BPD can be difficult to live with and find it hard to maintain relationships, you have to make choices best for you and your children. Stop paying for his private therapy, lawyer up, and dont raise your children in a hostile environment where their walking on eggshells. Your DH is demonstrating behaviour that is damaging to both you and your children. He’ll never change get out now.

SortingItOut · 15/08/2021 12:30

Don't be like me.
My ex husband did exactly the same- he would message women all the time and have emotional affairs. He also had mental health difficulties.

17 years I put up with it 'because he was ill', yes he was ill but he had a choice and he choose to do this. He had counselling on and off for 17 years but never got better or stopped.

I left him 3 years ago and he told me that he only did it for an ego boost and would never have left me for any of them. Gee whizz, thanks for that.

He promised to stop, as he did every time he was caught but I was done. I was done years before but stayed for our daughter.
I told him he didn't love me, care about me or respect me if he could do this.

My life is infinitely better without him.

No amount of marriage counselling will solve this. I did marriage counselling and came away feeling I was the problem.