Husband with BPD

[wideawakekate]

I’m sorry for the long post and I hope you can persevere till the end as I would really appreciate some perspective.

I have been with my DH for 25 years (18 years married) and we have 3 DC (aged 15, 16 and 21). A few years ago, DH had a mental breakdown and has since been diagnosed with depression and borderline personality disorder.

Life with DH is difficult to say to least. DH has anger issues (verbal outbursts rather than physical violence) and my DC and I are constantly walking on eggshells around him. I try to shield my DC from his low moods and outbursts as I think it is important to maintain a stable and safe environment for them. He is currently receiving private therapy and is on anti-depressants.

I feel I am supportive during his down days but one problem I find hard to deal with his need to message women. A few years ago, I discovered he had been using dating sites and talking to women. When I confronted him, he said it was only words and meant nothing. He never met with any of these women but to me the emotional side is just as bad as a physical affair. I decided to forgive and forget as I doubt many of the women of the types of sites he visited were actually genuine.

Not long after finding out about this, I had a feeling something wasn’t right. DH was displaying all the usual signs (e.g taking his phone everywhere with him, sneaking out of the room to use his phone etc). I am not proud of this but I decided to snoop on his FB and found that he had also been sending flirty messages to women on FB too and even told one women that he loved her. Again, when I confronted him, he said it was just words. He has never met with any of the women either.

It seems nothing I say or do stops him from seeking gratification from other women. I feel like a mug for putting up with it and last week, I found out he has started messaging an old school “friend” of mine. She admitted that she used to fancy him and still does and to make matters worse, DH told her that if he hadn’t started dating me he would have chosen her. DH doesn’t know that I have seen these messages as, to be honest, I know I’m going to hear the same excuse again.

I feel my mental health is starting to suffer too. I truly love DH and ideally, I would like to try marriage counselling but our budget is already stretched trying to pay for his private therapy. I know that his behaviour is connected to BPD but I’m starting to feel that I can’t take any more. Has anyone experienced anything similar?

Please leave; this will not get any better, and you really don't have to sacrifice yourself for the sake of his mental health.

As an aside, in terms of timelines, 6 months is nothing in therapy with BPD. I have a BPD client who I've been working with for five years, and we still have a long way to go.

You don't need couple therapy, you need your own individual therapy - this man have broken down your self preservation boundaries.

You need to leave OP - 18 years is a long time to be made married but do you really want to be doing this for another 18? You have a lifetime, please take back control.

@SortingItOut

Don't be like me. My ex husband did exactly the same- he would message women all the time and have emotional affairs. He also had mental health difficulties.

17 years I put up with it 'because he was ill', yes he was ill but he had a choice and he choose to do this. He had counselling on and off for 17 years but never got better or stopped.

I left him 3 years ago and he told me that he only did it for an ego boost and would never have left me for any of them. Gee whizz, thanks for that.

He promised to stop, as he did every time he was caught but I was done. I was done years before but stayed for our daughter.
I told him he didn't love me, care about me or respect me if he could do this.

My life is infinitely better without him.

No amount of marriage counselling will solve this. I did marriage counselling and came away feeling I was the problem.

Thank you for sharing.

It sounds like I am experiencing exactly the same as you did. Every time I catch DH, he promises to stop and says he would never leave me for them. It annoys me that he thinks I'm meant to be grateful for this! I can't imagine many other women would put up with this crap!

[quote Kirstyhewlett2018]@wideawakekate

Yes it can be incredibly difficult to maintain relationships, and it does need a fair amount of reassurance at time depending on mood. Yes I am also a people pleaser I struggle majorly with people being mad/disappointed/upset with me but my main focus is my husband at no point have gone off and spoken to anyone else inappropriately.
He’ll only change if he wants to but I wouldn’t say he will... I think if I’m honest he’s using the bpd as an excuse to do it. Honesty I’ve been diagnosed for 6 years and have never gone and spoken to other men inappropriately

Focus on you and your children get yourself away and focus on your mental health first x[/quote]
Thanks for sharing your experience. I find it difficult dealing with his thought processes. Many times, when we have argued, his defence is that I am the one who's unhappy in the relationship and hints that this is the reason why he seeks an ego boast from OW. I am generally a happy-go-lucky type of person and ironically, it is when he is talking to other women that I feel down.

It really is like going round in circles and I now know I need to break this cycle for my own sanity. Unfortunately, I have felt I needed to stand by him and not hold him accountable because he is not well but reading all posts here, I know it is just an excuse.

OP please look up BPD snd you will soon discover that the cheating and abuse you are experiencing with Dh does not correlate with what BPd is. Hes useing his diagnosis as an excuse believe me its a shitty excuse and hes a disbolicol excuse for a man. By staying with him as u say yourself your own mental health has been effected please do not put your children through any more of this crap. I know people both men and women with BPD and they are nothing like your DH

Sorry iv just realised there are some typos

OP, I am a mental health professional, and whilst I do not specialise in BPD I can assure you that cheating is not a part of the presentation. People with BPD do struggle with relationships and this often manifests itself with fear of abandonment. Honestly I don't think it's an excuse. He has no "need" to message women. He is doing this because he thinks he can get away with it. He is treating you badly.

@MajesticWhine

OP, I am a mental health professional, and whilst I do not specialise in BPD I can assure you that cheating is not a part of the presentation. People with BPD do struggle with relationships and this often manifests itself with fear of abandonment. Honestly I don't think it's an excuse. He has no "need" to message women. He is doing this because he thinks he can get away with it. He is treating you badly.

Thank you for commenting.

Abandonment is one of DH's biggest fears. He is paranoid that I am going to leave him yet I'm not the one chasing after other people and I have done nothing to give him doubts. I feel I have been supportive and have put his needs above my own but I have been left feeling worthless.

I have researched BPD and there are so many conflicting theories on sufferers and how they cope with relationships. Unfortunately, I have read a lot of blogs by BPD sufferers who blame their condition for their infidelity. DH always says he does it because he feels unwanted and unloved. I know it sounds selfish but I'm fed up of everything being about his mental illness now (I know, I'm a bad person for saying it).

Hi

I feel for you going through this. I was married to someone who was diagnosed with histrionic personality disorder. He also craved attention and thought it was fine to go on chat rooms and dating sites. Lie after lie me burying head in the sand it finally came to an end. Look out for other signs. For me it was the used condom packet and also an appointment for the STI clinic I found when I was pregnant that finished our marriage off.

Just a thought can you be diagnosed with more than one personality disorders?

Op, my los dad has bpd. When I researched it initially I thought it didn't really sound like him. A few months ago I looked up bpd in men and literally ticked every box and he sounds very much like your oh. He is constantly cheating, lieing, messaging and on dating sites. He used his mums brain bleed to try and garner sympathy from women to get them to "console" him. Therapy and meds seem to have done nothing for him (mainly because I don't think he wants to change as he likes being a womaniser with very little responsibility for his children). When I was dating him I caught him out on dating sites and he told me he was at the hospital with his mum who had terminal cancer (she didn't and is still very much alive seven years later) even when I called him out saying I didn't believe him he was adamant swearing down he wasn't bsing and there was a part of me that just couldn't be the arse that if there was any chance he was going through that to not support him so I backed down but found out later I was right and he was a liar. I feel very lucky he has chosen to have nothing to do with our kiddo even though his family do. Just leave op, it sounds like he doesn't want to change as this is working for him, he gets to cheat and blame you and take no accountability. It won't get any better.

I can't imagine many other women would put up with this crap!

They wouldn't. I wonder what why you do? Once you understand this you may be able to break free.

My marriage was also full of emotional abuse (plus of course the emotional affairs because chatting and messaging other women for longer than a day or 2 is an emotional affair) although at the time I thought I was the controlling one and thought that walking around on eggshells and his moods dictating everything was normal.

It was only once we split that I realised how toxic the marriage had been.

At the start of our relationship my husband couldn't have been loved more but he still 'needed' the ego boost of other women, once you get your validation from other women you can't stop.

As for your husbands abandonment issues, its a self fulfilling prophecy, he doesn't want you to abandon him but he does so much that will make you leave but when you don't he thinks he can keep on doing it.

My ex husband grew up in a volatile household where arguments were the way to resolve everything, he felt that the arguing every time I found out about his emotional affairs proved I loved and cared about him.
The irony of course is that after the first couple of times I no longer loved him but I stayed as he threatened suicide.
When I reached the point of knowing I would leave (10 years from the date I made the decision) I stopped checking his phone and if I did find anything out I ignored it - this of course made him feel unloved and uncared for so he did it more 🙄
The problem is that you cant win - there will always be an excuse and he will never blame himself, he'll blame his mental health, his stressful job,you being too nice,you being horrible, you being miserable, you being happy. What he will never do is hold his hands up and say he does it because he likes the attention.

My ex husband is still alive despite threatening to kill himself, he's attempted suicide 3 times but they werent real attempts,just a way of blackmailing me to either go back or to have contact with me.

I try not to have regrets but sometimes I really wish I had walked away the first time I found out.

This is so manipulative from him. You need to get away from him.

I think the BPD and the infidelity are separate.

The infidelity is totally unacceptable and you’ve very right to end things on the basis of that.

BPD is a tricky diagnosis and a very difficult thing. It has quite a lot of stigma attached to it.