How to end a friendship

[Polly1231]

I have a friend that I would like to end a friendship with. We text eachother regularly and although there's a lot of laughter and fun there's also a bad side where she frequently doesn't take my situation or feelings into account, always talks about herself and seemingly has little interest in me, and puts no effort into/actively seems to avoid doing anything but texting, so no phone calls, no meet ups in person. I've often felt tired of it but she never did anything explicitly to hurt me so kind of accepted it for what it is. I almost feel like she's using me to satisfy a narcissistic side to her.

On reflection I actually feel like this friendship brings more negativity into my life than positivity and although I'll miss the regular chatter I actually think it would be better for me not to speak with them anymore. I have tried discussing my concerns in the past and they've just gotten angry at me so I've just dropped it and at this point I give up.

I don't know how to end it though, because it will be very odd if I just ghost her suddenly because we do text regularly - couple days a week maybe. I also think she'll be shocked like it's come out of no where if I announce I'm done with the friendship. I've been taking longer and longer to reply to her texts to try distance myself but she still texts me regularly so I'm tempted just to bluntly end it. But I don't even know what to say to her? I wouldn't even say there's even any hard feelings, I'm just tired of it and I'm done but still wish her well.

Any advice?

Friendship obviously has to be a two way thing otherwise it doesn't work so your reasons are understandable, but I can't help but feel you are being a bit mean. Especially as she's never done anything to hurt you. Does she have any other friends?
People have ghosted me in the past for no apparent reason one I was hurt about one I wasn't.
If left to me I would always be friends with people as there was a reason you became friends in the first place.
In answer to your q I think it would be wrong to ghost her

Oh that's hard op.

I think not responding to quickly and keeping your messages brief is the right way to go. I know you're already doing this. Has she noticed this or is she just monologuing?

Too*

She has lots of friends. As in far more than me, to the extent I feel like her losing me as a friend would have a pretty insignificant impact on her life.

She hasn't done anything explicitly to hurt me per say but there's been frequent times where she's been pretty heartless and inconsiderate. For example I broke my foot a few months back and it was difficult to get about and even though she's nearby she never once offered to help me with anything and also when I expressed at some point feeling quite low as I was struggling to get out the house and socialise while I was healing she just sort of glanced over that and also would send me pictures of like holidays she's been on and such which kinda made me feel worse. I don't think she does it intentionally she just doesn't seem to stop and think for a moment and that's a common theme in our conversations. When stuff like that has happened in the past I've messaged her politely asking her not so send me things and she'd accuse me of being awkward. I'm just tired of it now.

@SuperSketchy I'm not sure if she's noticed. I've gone from messaging back quite promptly to waiting until the evening, waiting until the next day, waiting a couple of days etc. As soon as I reply she starts up a conversation with me again just general chatter at which point it's hard to just blank without it being obvious. I'm not sure if she realises in the slightest.

That sounds tough. If it is mainly a text-based friendship I would pull away slowly - take longer to reply to texts, offer less personal info about how you are/keep it bright and breezy. Hopefully the friendship will fizzle out naturally. Focus your attention on other, more thoughtful friends.

Within the last few weeks, I've been ghosted by a friend, deleted from her socials etc and, apart from catching her out in a lie, I have no idea what I've done wrong. Always initiated days out, booked things, been supportive. It hurts. Maybe if I'd been forewarned and had the opportunity to talk things through, I'd understand her decision. As it stands, I found out I was deleted when I tried to message her!
If you decide to end this friendship, please do it gently. I'm genuinely heartbroken by the way my friend treated me.

This is why I am tempted just to send a message gently explaining that it's having a negative impact on my life and I feel like I need to step away. I don't like the idea of blanking her with no reason as to why as I don't especially think that's fair. It's just a hard message to communicate, especially when she seemingly won't even talk to me on the phone.

@Girasole02

Within the last few weeks, I've been ghosted by a friend, deleted from her socials etc and, apart from catching her out in a lie, I have no idea what I've done wrong. Always initiated days out, booked things, been supportive. It hurts. Maybe if I'd been forewarned and had the opportunity to talk things through, I'd understand her decision. As it stands, I found out I was deleted when I tried to message her! If you decide to end this friendship, please do it gently. I'm genuinely heartbroken by the way my friend treated me.

Proper ghosting is vile. I wouldn't do it.

I do think there's something to be said for maintaining a civil relationship (ie responding to messages in your own time and not giving too much). But if you really can't do that and it's hurting you, then I do think a message would be ok. But you need to be able to articulate why the relationship is having a negative impact without being insulting, which is the bit I'd struggle with, which is why I ten to go with the polite and civil but not too involved option if this ever comes up. Occasionally friendships in the past have ended in blazes of glory tbf, but that's not good either.

Sounds like she's not one to take anything you say without getting offended/taking it personally.

I'd say your chances of having a rational conversation and ending it smoothly this way are slim.

I'd just back off and let her get the message. Otherwise she is likely to get upset with you and it may end on a sour note

Maybe send a message saying you're taking some time out for yourself so not to worry if you don't respond to messages for a while. Then mute her conversations. In a month or so, respond and say it's doing you good to step back for a bit and take time for yourself. Then do the same thing again. That way you're not suddenly ghosting her but you've let her know she won't be hearing from you much/ if at all.

What jumped out is how you are disappointed she doesn’t want to meet you in person etc but we’ve all been in lockdown.
I sense that you don’t want to hurt her feelings but that you can’t understand her behaviour so why don’t you just tell her how you are feeling?
there's been frequent times where she's been pretty heartless and inconsiderate. For example I broke my foot a few months back and it was difficult to get about and even though she's nearby she never once offered to help me with anything and also when I expressed at some point feeling quite low as I was struggling to get out the house and socialise while I was healing she just sort of glanced over that and also would send me pictures of like holidays she's been on and such which kinda made me feel worse. I don't think she does it intentionally she just doesn't seem to stop and think for a moment and that's a common theme in our conversations

There may be reasons for all of this and if you discuss it at least you’d find out, you may find that it improves things or you could say that texting on its own is very unsatisfactory and maybe scale it down a bit.
I’m sure you’re right but as devils advocate, Could she have been waiting for you to ask for help when you broke your foot? Some people don’t want help and get annoyed when it’s offered. Similarly, is it possible that she couldn’t see how to socialise during lockdown?
Do you think the lists of what’s going on in her life is just her way and you both communicate in different ways. Is that something that could be discussed?
However if you’d rather not then gradually spacing out the texts could be the easiest way to wind things down.

I have a friend like this.

I was made redundant. She responded by telling me about her fantastic new job.

I'm pregnant and worried about weight gain (I know that sounds awful but I am). She keeps telling me how much weight she's lost.

I text her telling her I was struggling and ended up in tears. She responded about her wedding.

I've stopped replying when she just talks about herself. I also rarely initiate conversations as I know she doesn't really give a shit about what's going on with me.

And now I've done the same on your post. I'm sorry. If you find a way to end the friendship, please let me know.

I don't know OP but I posted a sort of similar situation here a while back. I had tried to explain politely that the two (but specifically one) people were seriously upsetting me and indeed hounding me in th end.

I blocked them both totally and my life has been a lot better since.

Sorry that wasn't clear -- the advice unilaterally given on here was block them. I was reluctant at first but then I seriously considered what everyone was saying and did block... Best choice I could have made.

@AnonymousCheerleader

I have a friend like this.

I was made redundant. She responded by telling me about her fantastic new job.

I'm pregnant and worried about weight gain (I know that sounds awful but I am). She keeps telling me how much weight she's lost.

I text her telling her I was struggling and ended up in tears. She responded about her wedding.

I've stopped replying when she just talks about herself. I also rarely initiate conversations as I know she doesn't really give a shit about what's going on with me.

And now I've done the same on your post. I'm sorry. If you find a way to end the friendship, please let me know.

This pretty much sums her up tbh. It's this sort of stuff that she does and can imagine her doing in future. Just completely inconsiderate messages and not taking a moment to think about it being slightly inappropriate because of my situation.

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff I don't even expect her to meet up with me in person but she also has this strange aversion to having a phone call so it's left strictly to text. I have tried to explain in the past when things she has done have been inconsiderate and she just doesn't seem to get my point, ever. She's also been hanging out with other friends almost every weekend so it's not like she is like that with everyone. At times I wonder why she's speaking to me if she has no interest in talking on the phone or meeting up ever. Yet she's a keen texter and is frequently trying to start to chats with me. I've tried to organise a meet up multiple times since lockdown allowed it and she seemingly never has the time, but has the time for all these other friends she meets up with. I even asked her once if she's avoiding me and if there's anything I've done wrong and she's insistent it's a no to both and was stunned I bought it up so I never brought that up again. She just completely baffles me to be honest and I've given up.

I personally wouldn’t confront in a text conversation. Context can be lost and words can be misread. I also wouldn’t ghost. Reducing contact over time is not ghosting. If your friend is really that much into herself and is not interested in meeting in person she probably won’t even notice.

I would carry on taking ages to message back. There is a chance she might realise that you are being off with her but maybe she hasn't got the balls to ask you about it. Probably because she knows she's been a dick.

I had a friend a bit like this. I would respond an hour or so later and w

And would just do one word answers. She would never ask what was wrong. One day, she told me she knew she had upset someone in work as the girl hadn't messaged her back for ages. She was really worried and didn't know what to do. I said why don't you just message and say sorry if I've upset you, didn't mean to blah blah and she didn't have the guts to do it.

That kind of told me everything I needed to know. She was totally aware of her behaviour but didn't want to be confronted about it.

Send you phone away to get fixed and change your number 😂

I'd either wait longer and longer before responding and / or write something short and vague, telling her nothing about yourself. Or just send an emoji. Holidays pics = smiley face. Etc. She'll probably lose interest if there isn't much response.

You can't really " have it out" by text. You could just say something like " I no longer wish to be in contact with you" without any explanation but it could provoke an outpouring of indignation and make you feel worse.

@MakeItRain

Maybe send a message saying you're taking some time out for yourself so not to worry if you don't respond to messages for a while. Then mute her conversations. In a month or so, respond and say it's doing you good to step back for a bit and take time for yourself. Then do the same thing again. That way you're not suddenly ghosting her but you've let her know she won't be hearing from you much/ if at all.

This. No point explaining about the friendship not being satisfying. Either it will hurt her and mean you part on bad terms or she will try to fix it, but fail, because it's not natural to her, but try just enough for you to feel guilty about going ahead and breaking off.

I would do exactly what MakeItRain suggests: an excellent no drama way to achieve the outcome you want.
I’m in a really similar position but she wants to meet up and I don’t. Not sure how I’m going to get round it.

I know it is easier said than done, but I really really don't believe we are obliged to maintain relationships with people who consistently weigh us down - especially when the amount of 'giving' in the relationship is unequal.

Of course if they have been a genuinely good friend, giving as well as receiving in the past, and for some reason they are going through a difficult time and the friendship for now isn't satisfying, then it's great if we can support/sustain them through a specific period.

Or if someone is clearly struggling and lonely and we feel able to help by being pleasant great...

But that doesn't tend to be the case in these situations.

These situations are often with people we just aren't well matched with, who are insensitive in some way, and do not show nearly as much caring to you than vice versa..... for people like that, by all means do it as kindly as possible, but don't spend years of getting your energy sapped in order to avoid the discomfort of ending it.

You have a finite amount of energy. It is not mean to use it to foster rich friendships with people who genuinely care about you.

People say that ghosting is horrible (I feel that way too and would prefer people to be honest and say they no longer want to be friends for whatever reason).

In reality, however, most people are very fragile and would not respond well to honesty. It really is better to completely ignore someone because otherwise you'll get a load of agro and have to then feel bad that they're upset and they'll call you lots of horrible names...or maybe I'm just projecting haha.