How to end a friendship

[Polly1231]

I have a friend that I would like to end a friendship with. We text eachother regularly and although there's a lot of laughter and fun there's also a bad side where she frequently doesn't take my situation or feelings into account, always talks about herself and seemingly has little interest in me, and puts no effort into/actively seems to avoid doing anything but texting, so no phone calls, no meet ups in person. I've often felt tired of it but she never did anything explicitly to hurt me so kind of accepted it for what it is. I almost feel like she's using me to satisfy a narcissistic side to her.

On reflection I actually feel like this friendship brings more negativity into my life than positivity and although I'll miss the regular chatter I actually think it would be better for me not to speak with them anymore. I have tried discussing my concerns in the past and they've just gotten angry at me so I've just dropped it and at this point I give up.

I don't know how to end it though, because it will be very odd if I just ghost her suddenly because we do text regularly - couple days a week maybe. I also think she'll be shocked like it's come out of no where if I announce I'm done with the friendship. I've been taking longer and longer to reply to her texts to try distance myself but she still texts me regularly so I'm tempted just to bluntly end it. But I don't even know what to say to her? I wouldn't even say there's even any hard feelings, I'm just tired of it and I'm done but still wish her well.

Any advice?

Every time she texts, answer with "things ok. Would really just like to get out for a bit. Fancy going for a walk/to the park/for a coffee?" You know she's either going to say no or not say anything at all. If she does try to continue with texting but ignores your request to go out just pin her down "so that's no for a walk? Ok, will chat later then".

She will be the one not responding to you after you start doing this.

I understand OP. It does sound like a very difficult and frustrating friendship.

Sorry OP. I was in somewhat a similar position and understand how much this can weigh you down.

I responded less and less to the person. Ignored their questions why I was being quiet and it took a couple of months to fizzle out. In that time they tried to get to me by contacting my other friends, calling my cleaner(!), sending their family member to my work, I'm sad to say it escalated and police were called but I was absolute in my resolve to not continue any kind of relationship.

I did start a thread on here when my head was in a bad place and some people were of the opinion that because they were lonely I owed them a friendship despite being treated badly. Now that they're out of my life I feel so much better. It was not easy and took me time to get here and there was guilt as we did not have a discussion as to why I felt it had to end, but as you said it would have been pointless as it would not have been received well.

Just to be clear. I did not block them. Just muted conversations and their profile and replied less and less until it went to nothing. I didn't want to give them the satisfaction or hand them the proof that I was the awful person that they are trying to make me out to be. They just get absolutely nothing from me.

It seems they have also moved on. Good luck with your situation. I fully understand how hard it can be but put yourself first. The relationship has run its course and you should do what is right for you.

She's not your friend? A bloke wouldn't think twice about this tbh.

Next message she sends, or even before?

"Hi X, hope you're well. Quite a lot to think about at the moment and need to work on some personal stuff by myself so moving forward I won't have time to respond to messages. Cheers"

Then block or don't reply to the next messages she sends. then breathe.

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Maybe send a message saying you're taking some time out for yourself so not to worry if you don't respond to messages for a while. Then mute her conversations. In a month or so, respond and say it's doing you good to step back for a bit and take time for yourself. Then do the same thing again. That way you're not suddenly ghosting her but you've let her know she won't be hearing from you much/ if at all.

I like this response from MakeItRain.

I think I'm working on some personal stuff so won't be able to respond to texts is a bit of a funny choice of words... Don't know why as it does get the message across, but it just sounds stilted and a bit weird to me. But I'm sure op can make the text sound like her normal self.

Why bother? It’s not a friendship anyway. Friends make time for each other and grab a coffee etc. This is a nothing. When she messages just respond with one emoji and leave it at that. She’ll get bored eventually.

I'd probably do similar to what beach says, but I think op wants to message. Maybe for closure or just to stop the friend messaging her all the time.

At times I wonder why she's speaking to me if she has no interest in talking on the phone or meeting up ever. Yet she's a keen texter and is frequently trying to start to chats with me. I've tried to organise a meet up multiple times since lockdown allowed it and she seemingly never has the time, but has the time for all these other friends she meets up with.

It sounds like she sees you as a convenient lower tier ‘filler’ friend who she can waffle away to in her down time. That’s the function you fulfil in her life – she’s not interested in spending her valuable ‘socialising time’ on you, that’s for her friends she regards as main characters in her life. Could be wrong but that’s how it sounds anyway.

She gets to prattle on about her life and she’s not interested when you talk about your life as for her that’s not what the conversation is about. She doesn’t sound interested in the actual relationship, more just propping up her ego. It doesn’t sound like the behaviour of a friend who respects you and sees you as a full, valuable person in your own right. I don’t think she values this friendship.

I would do as someone else suggested – give her the heads up by saying you will take a long break from messaging / SM (and put her on restricted privacy settings if necessary so you don’t have to explain or speak to her if you do happen to online). Then just mute her messages and let it peter out.

As you say, she has lots of other friends who she actually sees in person, so I wouldn’t worry about it too much.