Leaving a narcissist

[newstart2022]

Hi
I am in a relationship with a narcissist, text book.
We don’t live together but I keep getting drawn back, it’s like my head is so muddled up by it.
There is a justified cheating and I am insecure because of this.
I keep planning to end things then get knocked back confidence wise
Despite the fact it’s wrong etc I hate the thought of him moving on.
I think I know who she is and he knows the woman bothers me, he is going to a party at hers this weekend and it makes me feel physically ill.
I just want the pain to be over, years of defending myself against this man have left me totally depleted.

Not justified cheating. A history of cheating

It's good you've got an indication of what he is. I suggest reading up as much as you can on narcissists and watching youtube videos from other people who have had the misfortune to date them. The more you learn about what they are, the more vile they seem. And hearing other women talk about what they've been through, helps you find your anger and strengthening your resolve to end things for good.

Blocking him on every platform (and anyone who is going to this party so that you cannot hear things through the grapevine) is if course the best course of action. You have to rip the plaster off and keep it off in order to let yourself heal.

@Pinkbonbon
Thanks for the reply.
He knows of my discomfort about the woman but tried for turn it round saying he was scared to tell me about it.
I have felt ill for days thinking about it.
Then I get tangled up in those thoughts and forget that my plan was to get away from him anyway.
I am exhausted.

It's all just a giant headfuck. Everything they say is poison. Best to not talk to them at all.

He knows you dont want him seeing her. That's why he told you. He wants to make you feel as if she is some sort of competition. So that you are so busy worrying about her that you forget he isn't worth having in the first place.

Think of it this way: Do you think he is a nice person? I'm betting not. So in simple terms, we choose who we allow to stay in our lives, why should we keep someone in it who isn't nice? That's literally my only criteria for a friend, that they are nice human beings. A partner needs to meet more points that that. But this guy...hell, I wouldn't want him anywhere near me. And I think if you can take that step back, you actually do feel the same.

You dont need some asshole to prove your worth. You have value. You matter. You deserve nice people in your life. It's YOU that has to choose YOU though.

@Pinkbonbon
This helps a lot.
It is a huge headfuck.
He is a vile person and you are right he isn’t someone I would want to be friends with.
This has helped so much and I will probably sleep better
Spent my whole week thinking about the effort he would make for her and how nice he is in front of her when in fact he is a horrible man, it has been eating me up all week. Why do I even care.

I'm curious if you've ever spoken to her? He probably plays her off against you in exactly the same way. Or would, given half a chance. I wonder if there is even a party or if he just said that to make you stressed.

He's an empty, bitter person. Who just wants to stand on people and grind them down in order to make himself feel the big man. A pathetic snivelling little bully.

One who is jealous of you. And anyone capable of love, compassion and the ability to find strength within themselves.

@Pinkbonbon
There is definitely a party.
She is part of a club he is in and she became involved on his life at the same time I found out he has been cheating.
So I told him she made me uncomfortable and he has kind of played on that ever since.
She sends him messages for no particular reason and in my opinion is overly familiar.
I have spoke to her , I don’t trust her.
The thought of them both being there drunk, really gets to me.

Eee, yeah a decent person would not have been entertaining her texts. Let alone going to her party.

But then I doubt he knows much about being a decent human being. Or he would be seeking to reassure you not using your insecurities against you. Typical move from a toxic person really.

I think you'd be wise to let him have that night out. And then send him a message first thing, dumping his ass. I mean, I'd say just do it now but I think youd feel better doing it after the party so you dint feel he had an 'excuse' to fling herself into her arms.

Just a voice note along the lines of 'this isn't working for me anymore. You know why. I'll have a friend drop round your stuff. Don't contact me again'. Done. Then block him. Then maybe go away for a few days, ideally to somewhere with a beach and handsome waiters. Maybe dont take the phone so you aren't tempted to talk to him. Or just shut it in a drawer at home upstairs and then at least and any time the temptation became overwhelming, you would have a long walk to the drawer in which to change your mind.

Oh and, you don't owe him an in person break up. Reserve that decency for people who won't use it against you to further hurt and manipulate you. You also dont need get into why with him because he knows damn fine why. Don't let him convince you otherwise. 'Because I want to' is a perfectly valid reason on its own to leave a relationship btw.

@Pinkbonbon
Thanks. I was kind of ready to stop it all this week.
He lied about working on my birthday, he lies about when he is out doing things when he isn’t and is off on holiday and who knows what he will be up to.
So I built myself up and then got this info about the party but he made out I wouldn’t let him go and said he was scared to tell me.
Now if I do it now he will think it’s because of her and he will like that.
Not sure when this is eating me up so much when I was ready to say bye anyway.
It’s the thought of him being nice etc and making an effort when I get none.
Thanks for your advice

I think you've just got to come to the conclusion on your own that it doesnt matter what he will think. His kind are so arrogant anyway that they will always imply you are the one with the problem. If it was not this it would be something else.

And when you think on it 'I have to stay with him and tolerate bs so that he can't call me jealous'. Is not a reason to stay with someone. You just have to bite the bullet and get off the merry go round.

He'll also probably only be nice to her for 3.5 seconds after you dump him. Because his sort are always looking for the next thing and never happy with what and who they have.

@Pinkbonbon
So true.
It doesn’t matter what I do, he will not care anyway.
I am so exhausted from it all.

I am struggling after splitting from a narcissist who has dated another woman for over a year when I found out. The lies he has told me are in the thousands to cover what he has done.
When I found out, I told her about us and what he has done to us both.
She said he is “full of shit” and “a very good liar” but they are still together while I’m heartbroken.
I can’t understand how she can forgive him, but of course, he wants to be in her house and god knows what he has said to manipulate her.
I just have to keep thinking he was awful to me and I didn’t want to be part of that any more.

He is an awful man. It hurts like hell but that will fade eventually. It’s just a case of trying not to think about him and be able to move on.
Good luck. These men play with your emotions because we think we love them.
Stay strong. Message here if you think you are tempted to contact him x

I hope you dumped him!

So I told him she made me uncomfortable and he has kind of played on that ever since.

That's what they do. To begin with they're the most charming, fun, caring, charismatic, 'just get you' guy and once you're hooked they start with very subtle, hardly noticeable, digs. So small you think you're imagining it - 'my lovely whoever wouldn't have meant that, it must be me'.

So you carry on trusting them, carry on sharing your innermost thoughts with them - tiny dig, no it can't be, fun times, tiny dig, tiny doubts, more fun times, you share some more with them, this carries on for however long until BOOM they slap you in the face with that deepest darkest secret that you shared with them. Just as soon as your heart starts slowing down after that shock there's another one, then he's all sweetness and light again and can't understand why you're not all sweetness and light back, you really are hard work, you're lucky he puts up with your moods.

He doesn't like you, newstart, he's just using you (and the other one) to boost his shitty little ego.

I hope you manage to make a clean break from him and become yourself again very soon

I did that @WhatdoIsaytothem - thought because the OW wanted him, I was somehow losing out. That I was wrong about him. But of course she was not acting at all sanely - she took him back over and over despite increasingly awful degrading treatment. She thought he loved her because he kept going back. But in fact it just meant she was insane. or exceptionally damaged because he treated her so badly. And the more you go back it's like they see how much more vile disrespectful treatment they can get away with. It's almost a game.

The reality is that they don't actually like any one. In fact they hate you and they don't care. You just need to protect yourself. Stay strong OP.

@WhatdoIsaytothem
Hi
Sorry you are going through all of this.
It’s a horrible pain because everything feels so mixed up.
Everything has been a lie.
He went on Saturday and said he would be in touch, he left his phone in his pocket allegedly And never contacted me all night.
Says it all really x

@Orgasmagorical
That’s is exactly what it’s like.
When I think it can’t get any worse it does and he sticks the knife in.
I hate this.
Thanks for your advice x

@HelenHywater

I was better a few weeks ago and felt strong
Her being added to the mix again has made me feel weird , like I am not good enough and she is better and I worry that he will be nice to her and it’s all such a mess, in my head anyway.
I am exhausted x

It's Triangulation @newstart2022 - a really effective tactic of narcissists and other toxic individuals. They compare you or put you in competition against another woman deliberately. You of course rise to the bait and try to win him back. At different times he may contact you and tell you that he prefers you to her, or tell you intimate stuff about her, but it's all designed to get you fighting for him. I've seen people do the most insane things as a result of this. It's very effective.

Ignore - you're free of him, stay that way.

Now you know he is a narcissist there is no way forward but to get out. Seriously out and cut all ties.

You have an advantage in knowing what he really is, the other woman likely doesn’t know - she’s very vulnerable.

Where can you go and be safe?

@HelenHywater
How can these people function, I kept thinking it was a bad day or other things but no he is just plain evil.
Sick and twisted.
I wish I had never met him, at this moment I feel like I can never undo all of this x

@SparklingLime
Hi
We don’t live together, he won’t contact me.
So I think I will be okay.
Thanks for you message xx

He may well contact you when he feels you are moving away from his control. Please block him on all platforms and ensure that you are safe. You can reviver your own well-being, as long as you stop all contact with him. x x