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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is he a narcissist? What should I do?

28 replies

NameChange1996 · 13/08/2021 19:18

Hi MN
I’m a first time mum due very soon with someone I think is a possible narcissist and I don’t know what to do. I’ve discovered he has also lied about himself and his life. When I first found out I was expecting, we were both shocked and discussed options. I didn’t put any pressure on him to stick by me. He insisted that we live together and he’d look after me but I realise now he was future faking. He already has a son with ex wife and she wished us well. He happily shared the news with his family who he’s really close to and they welcomed me. However while living with him I noticed his behaviour became hot and cold and his lies came out . I discovered he actually had a hidden daily cannabis habit and also severe debt. His words weren’t matching with his actions towards me, he’d lie about everything. He’d make me feel crazy for bringing up my concerns. He attended the scans which made me feel he cared but then he’d go cold and not attend any emergency appointments I had to go to even if it was late at night. He would swing from he wants to be a family to this isn’t working anymore, it was all too much for him. I eventually moved out and we continued the relationship despite my friend telling me to run. Since living apart, he’s got worse with his lies and treatment towards me. He’s blown hot and cold daily, hardly given me money for things, shouted at me if I say how I feel. He’s not treated me the way he had promised and the last time he ‘dumped’ me I finally accepted it and told him I didn’t want HIM anymore. He then says I don’t mean that and he’s going to make it up to me but I can’t take it anymore. Im suffering anxiety and high blood pressure now because of him, he’s made this all hell. As I’m coming towards my due date, he says he wants to be at the birth. I’m scared and I don’t know what to do? My friend is telling me I need to cut contact and not to put him on the certificate etc.

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 13/08/2021 19:29

I'd definitely end the relationship and not have him at the birth.

thecatsarecrazy · 13/08/2021 19:34

After dealing with a narcissist myself for a year, although I'm not living with him or anything. My advice for your health and your baby is to break free and never look back.
He won't change. After the lovebombing stage they show their true ugly colours. They suck the life out of you. I was messaging this guy for a year. Every day. Started off amazing, after we met for the first time I thought he was gorgeous etc then he dropped the l bomb. Then when I kept asking when I would see him again I just got "soon". I found out he was following a woman on twitter who I follow. She's 52 he's 32. I asked her if they ever spoke. She said no but would follow back. Within days he was messaging her. Asking how her day was, did she enjoy her swim. Then it moved on to happy birthday babe, wish I had sent u a card, then telling her she had amazing tits and did she want to see anything of his 😖. I told him we needed to talk. He phoned me the next day. I told him everything and he had broken my heart. He couldn't give a shit! Said I don't know what u get up to, and I live in a truck all week. He has a son too. Told me he was staying but he didn't say oh I have my boy this weekend. Kept it quiet. Very deceptful and sneaky. They lie constantly and only care about themselves.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 13/08/2021 19:36

It doesn't matter what he wants. If you don't want him at the birth you don't tell him you are in labour & don't post anything on social media.

Listen to your friend & ask someone to be with you when you go into labour.

ConfusedNoMore · 13/08/2021 19:38

100% do not have him at the birth. Do not put him on the certificate. Absolutely without a doubt. Tread VERY carefully. Your health is the most important thing right now. Get him away from you and make decisions on contain with the baby later.

RandomMess · 13/08/2021 19:53

RUN

TheFoundations · 13/08/2021 20:06

You say you're scared; are any of the things you're scared of things that will happen if you cut him out of your life?

Original poster

NameChange1996 · 13/08/2021 20:49

I’m worried he will ruin my labour but I feel so bad not to let him at the birth if he wants to be there
Should I cut him out the baby’s life because of how he’s treated me?

OP posts:

RandomMess · 13/08/2021 20:53

When in labour you need to be relaxed and comfortable.

Having partners there is a new thing, having a supportive woman - family or friend is probably the better option for many women!!!

You can honestly say "I don't feel comfortable being naked in front of you now we aren't together".

Don't let him have this hold and control over you

TheFoundations · 13/08/2021 21:03

Why do you feel bad when he's treated you so poorly? If he'd been supportive, you would definitely have wanted him there holding your hand. But he hasn't been supportive, and that's what you need to be, if you want the mother of your child to want you around that child.

He blew it, OP. He blew it by treating you horribly. Don't be worrying about sparing his feelings when yours are so important right now, for you and for your baby. Your focus needs to be on the baby, right now, and ongoing. Any time you spend focusing on him is taking something from the baby. Baby needs you well and comfortable, and you need to pull out all the stops to achieve that. All the stops you can think of. So take this decision off your list - you don't have to do anything regarding him. You don't tell him when you go into labour, you don't tell him when baby is born, you don't put him on the birth certificate. All you have to do, regarding him, is nothing. And that's it.

Disneycharacter · 13/08/2021 21:12

Listen to your friend

thecatsarecrazy · 13/08/2021 21:23

Remember he's a narcissist. You don't need to feel bad. He has no feelings. They act all woe is me but don't give a shit about yours.

Mrsmadevans · 13/08/2021 21:27

They rely upon us decent people being kind to them and they take advantage of us. You are not responsible for him. Go No Contact and mean it and don't weaken. Don't have him at the birth and don't put his name on the Birth cert. Good Luck my dear

FOJN · 13/08/2021 21:55

What he wants is irrelevant, it seems to change daily anyway so even if you agreed to him being at the birth you have no idea if he would turn up. Don't put yourself through that stress and worry, chose a reliable person to be there with you.

What you do after the birth will be up to you but do not put him on the birth certificate. I'd be asking myself if I wanted to give him the chance to be as unreliable with a child as he is with me?

Appleofmyeye05 · 13/08/2021 22:30

The last thing you need is this idiot piping up whilst you’re in labour. He will be devastated the spotlight isn’t on him so will make your experience difficult.

You don’t need that. You need a stable labour partner. Maybe you need to mention this your midwife and instruct that when the day does come that if he tries to turn up, to not be let in.

I think going forward with contact then you let him decide what he wants to do byway of his actions. If he SHOWS you consistently he wants to be there for the baby and pays you CM every week, then maybe consider supervised contact for an hour or so until the trust can built and he will show his intention if he keeps up with the contact. Maybe you could get your mum or a family member to sit in the room whilst you sit upstairs or something or whatever you feel comfortable with but my concern would be that he will try manipulate you into trying to be a family and get his claws back into you and you be further mistreated.

GreyPaw · 14/08/2021 07:40

You need to feel safe at the birth. The labour can't go well unless you feel fundamentally like there isn't a massive threat in the room. It's not about him, you have to prioritise your child and yourself here. I'd resist putting him on the birth certificate too.

BettyAndFrank · 14/08/2021 07:43

Cut contact and don’t put him on the BC…don’t let him destroy you. You can’t co parent with a narcissist.

thecatsarecrazy · 14/08/2021 11:40

I really hope you are taking all this advice seriously.
Having a baby is a magical and stressful time. You need to be at your most comfortable. Not worrying about him. Most narcs don't give a shit about their kids. The one I know had his son visit and told me he wasn't arsed if he comes or not, because he stops him doing what he wants at the weekend. He told me he said dad can I live with u. His response no fuck off. To a 9 year old child! He shows off that he pays £400 a month maintenance to him. Big deal. When he was in the love bombing stage he said I couldn't see my son for 3 years and it broke my heart.. sounds like it.
Please look after yourself and don't allow this energy draining vampire to ruin you and your babies first moments.

AdaFuckingShelby · 14/08/2021 11:51

You need positive and supportive people around you when you're in labour, giving birth, adjusting to being a parent and during the years your child is growing up. Make your own choice. Don't listen to anyone who makes it all about them. His behaviour stresses you out. That's his responsibility not yours.

Original poster

NameChange1996 · 14/08/2021 15:00

I know that you are all right.
We last spoke yesterday where I told him I’d be going no contact as it was affecting my health by keep speaking every day. He said he would leave me be but told me to tell him when I go into labour. I feel absolutely sick, I know I need to tell him I do not want him there. He always mentioned that he was there for his son’s birth and how amazing it was and that he must be at this birth too as it’s his Baby.
Why do I feel so guilty after how he has treated me?

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 14/08/2021 16:28

@NameChange1996

I’m worried he will ruin my labour but I feel so bad not to let him at the birth if he wants to be there Should I cut him out the baby’s life because of how he’s treated me?

He has no right to be there.

Chances are he just wants to go to the birth in order to stress you out.

Dont tell him anything. Tell the nursing staff you don't want him there if he does show. It's a womans prerogative. Pushing a baby out is not a sideshow attraction at the fair. No one is owed a ticket to the event.

I would do all I can to keep him out of my life tbh. Babies too tbh. Obviously that might not be so simple.

Original poster

NameChange1996 · 14/08/2021 16:30

Just an update
He called me and I have just told him that it’s best he’s not at the birth for my health. It’s resulted into an argument and he tried to discard me again by saying all sorts of things like he will disappear, change his number. Then I realised we were arguing about him, his feelings and mine were just irrelevant, it was all about him. I feel like such an idiot for getting into that row.

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 14/08/2021 16:31

Let him disappear. Let him think it's his decision. Change your number.

I think I'd move region too.

thecatsarecrazy · 14/08/2021 16:43

You feel bad because your an empath and he's a narcissist it's how they behave. He's shown how imature he is. When I confront the narc I know about anything he just says enjoy your evening, or turns it around to me. Dickheads the lot of them.

Pinkbonbon · 14/08/2021 17:18

I wouldn't use the word empath. OP is a normal human being with feelings. Save the categorisation for disorderd human beings who lack empathy. Not normal people who have it.

Narcissists are not fussy. They'll target anyone. Even other narcissists. Its just that decent ppl often tend to tolerate more shit than they should from these sorts.

Thehop · 14/08/2021 17:41

This is YOUR labour. YOURS. It’s nothing to do with him parenting the baby. You need someone there for YOU. Choose someone who will support you and help you feel comfortable, relaxed and empowered.

You can decide a contact agreement with him after the birth but do not feel pressured to have him there, please!!!

And your friend is right. Don’t put him on the BC let him go to court for that afterwards.

My guess is he’s all talk and he won’t be bothered.

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