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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you get back with someone if they did these things

34 replies

Lolabray · 13/08/2021 16:57

Drank with friends 3 times a week and didn’t know when to go home (caused many many arguments between us as I don’t want him ringing me or turning up drunk here)
Smoked around you when you say you don’t like it
Shout at you when your at work about an issue and not sort the issue out in the first place
Moan and complain about going to new places/ not wanting to set plans
Put your needs last or didn’t listen to you.
Lived one minute away from your home

For me I know the answer is NO he clearly needs help with his issues, he is also quite negative in his responses, I am not an angel but trying to summarise how things have been for the past year or two.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/08/2021 17:03

Indeed the answer is no.

Do not try and further act as his rescuer or saviour here because neither approach works. These are his issues, not yours to further burden yourself with or make yourself feel responsible for. He likely feels he does not need help from you or anyone else.

RubyGoat · 13/08/2021 17:04

Hard no

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 13/08/2021 17:07

the clue is in your post : NO

GoodnightGrandma · 13/08/2021 17:10

No, get out of it before you get married or have kids, when it’s harder to leave.

MrsFin · 13/08/2021 17:12

No

EL8888 · 13/08/2021 17:13

No.

PieceOfString · 13/08/2021 17:14

Course not - anyone who put that in their tinder profile wouldn't get many takers would they!? Grin It's not exactly.... aspirational

NeverMetANiceOne · 13/08/2021 17:14

Fuck no

TheFoundations · 13/08/2021 17:16

Why do you ask? You sound like you've already decided..?

PieceOfString · 13/08/2021 17:17

I wondered that, decision already made isn't it?

MushMonster · 13/08/2021 17:20

No, lots of bad stuff, but the telling is that you have not said a single positive thing.
You have already decided, so listen to yourself and do not waste time on this relationship.

2bazookas · 13/08/2021 17:28

I wouldn't have got with that man in the first place.

Nicolastuffedone · 13/08/2021 17:46

No.

Vanishun · 13/08/2021 17:49

Why would you ask? That went on for years so wasn't just a bad moment or two.

Original poster
Lolabray · 13/08/2021 18:10

Why do I ask because I need to justify this to myself and also see that I am of sound mind, this may sounds ridiculous but my feelings haven’t been listened to for the past few years so I am bit numb emotionally

OP posts:
MushMonster · 13/08/2021 18:14

OP, you do not have to justify it! That is the magic of it. It does take a while to see this from the inside, but the reality is that you do not need any justification. Same as nobody needs proof of an affair, yet so many people gets tangled in trying to prove it, and doubt themselves till they have the full picture evidence in front of them.

It does not feel right, you do not feel happy. That is all that is needed. Nothing else at all.

Original poster
Lolabray · 13/08/2021 18:15

I also wondered if a person went and got help and sorted them self out if it would work. Realistically that’s not going to happen

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 13/08/2021 18:15

Always assume that you are of sound mind, @Lolabray

As an easy test to prove this to yourself: Are there other situations in you life that make you genuinely doubt your sanity, or is it just this one?

Original poster
Lolabray · 13/08/2021 18:24

My marriage ending tested that @thefoundations

OP posts:
Standrewsschool · 13/08/2021 18:28

He has no respect for you, so do not get back with him.

TheFoundations · 13/08/2021 18:34

@Lolabray

I also wondered if a person went and got help and sorted them self out if it would work. Realistically that’s not going to happen
So, again, why ask? You already know the answer.
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 13/08/2021 18:49

Any one of those things, apart from living one minute away from you which presumably is coincidental, would be a good reason to end the relationship.

It's very common to ask yourself "can they change? Maybe I'm being really harsh?" Ask yourself have they made any attempt at changing their behaviour - not just saying "oh I'll stop it, jesus you make me crazy but I'll try"
Actually doing stuff like going to counselling, doing the really hard work of changing.

If they haven't done that - it's a big nope from me

PieceOfString · 13/08/2021 18:50

@Lolabray

Why do I ask because I need to justify this to myself and also see that I am of sound mind, this may sounds ridiculous but my feelings haven’t been listened to for the past few years so I am bit numb emotionally
You are as sane as can be. Once you're free of the fog of confusion it'll be clear as day. Good luck
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 13/08/2021 18:51

STOP talking to him. Just stop.

putthebinsout · 13/08/2021 19:00

I don't understand why it's always "he needs help with his issues" us women always seem to see these guys as somehow broken and in need of help and sympathy.

Maybe he's just a twat?

Anyway, no don't get back with him