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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He won’t tell her about me

26 replies

alecvic · 13/08/2021 15:51

So I just read a thread on here kind of similar to my situation I’m in now. I’ve been in a relationship with this man for nearly a year now. When we met it was instant connection, I fell really quickly for him and seemingly he did do. His child was 6 months when we met, he was never with the mother of his child. But when we met he would always be complaining about her to the point I would have to tell him we’re trying to build a new relationship.

When we made it official I said we needed to tell her he was in a relationship because it wasn’t fair to her. They would talk often because the baby was so young. Sometimes they would chat on the phone for like an hour at the time. He said he was just trying to make sure they had a good co parenting relationship. He said he promised he wouldn’t get in a relationship until the baby was one. That time has passed obviously and he still hasn’t told her. I feel like taking matters into my own hands and contacting her.

We’ve spoken about moving in together, kids, marriage everything. But he just said he thinks she will stop him seeing the baby if she knows about me. I’ve actually had enough. How do I make it clear to him it’s now or never. He’s even said stuff like he wishes he had the baby with me so I don’t think it’s a case of still having feelings. Do I contact her?

OP posts:

Anordinarymum · 13/08/2021 15:57

Why would you do that?

You knew he had a child, and you know he has to be in contact with the mother.
I'm sure you posted here before about him cooking meals for her.

His child comes before you

Original poster

alecvic · 13/08/2021 15:58

No that wasn’t me about any meals. I know his child comes before me. My issue is she doesn’t know about me. I can’t move forward in this relationship without her knowing

OP posts:

Luannee · 13/08/2021 16:00

Why can't you move forward without her knowing?

The baby is 6 months old. I think you should step back a bit. This is still all pretty new for him.

WallaceinAnderland · 13/08/2021 16:00

Why does she need to know?

sonjadog · 13/08/2021 16:02

If he doesn’t tell her, then you can never progress in your relationship, get married, have children. So by refusing to tell her, he is actually telling you loud and clear what your relationship will be. Is that enough for you? If not, then it is time to move on.

Kithic · 13/08/2021 16:03

@Luannee

Why can't you move forward without her knowing?

The baby is 6 months old. I think you should step back a bit. This is still all pretty new for him.

the baby is a year + 6 months - they've been in a relationship for a year.

Standard questions:
Is he on the birth certificate?
Does he pay a decent amount of maintenance? (not just the basic shit) - this of course tells you what kind of man he is
Is he suggesting you move in together and not tell her?

And no you do not contact her

Anordinarymum · 13/08/2021 16:04

You have only been seeing him for a year and knowing he already has a failed relationship and a child you are wanting to step things up a gear.

I bet it's fun being with you

Dervel · 13/08/2021 16:09

He’s in a sticky situation to be honest, and I’ve been where he has. In fact it’s one of the reasons I didn’t date for a good few years after my son was born. I simply wouldn’t have the bandwidth to deal with someone else.

You have to understand whilst a child is still a baby and even just past toddlerhood there is precious little option for a man to force contact through the courts. The best option is to have a conciliatory attitude towards the mother.

If I was your husband’s friend I’d advise him to drop you, as you need the sort of reassurance he can’t give you, and to dedicate himself to be fully there for his child and look to get back into dating when things are more stable in a few years time.

I’d advise you much the same thing for the same reason. However if you are hell bent on pursuing it, I’m afraid you’d have to accept being way down on his priority list for awhile, which is partly why I’d advocate ending it as what you want isn’t unreasonable at all, and you do deserve it, but I don’t think you can realistically get that from this man at least for right now.

LostSocksBrigade · 13/08/2021 16:16

I disagree with some of the others here. It sounds a lot like he's painting her to be the villain, you don't know if any of that's actually true. Are you completely sure they're not still together?

LostSocksBrigade · 13/08/2021 16:17

And if they were never tother why would she care if he was in a relationship or not as long as he continued to be a good coparent?

SupermanWithTheGreyHair · 13/08/2021 16:18

It’s been under a year, he has a baby with someone else, he’s lying to the mother and you’re not happy either. You’re now thinking of speaking to the mother behind your partners back. He thinks the mother would use the baby and not let him see the baby if she knew about you. It’s not looking promising for the future to be honest. Read the step parent topic on here to see what you’re letting yourself in for if it’s this bad already. I’d run for the hills.

VioletVesper · 13/08/2021 16:56

Hi OP, sorry to say that when I’ve seen this situation before it has always been because the man is still involved with the baby’s mother, whether it be a full on relationship or sleeping together occasionally.

Original poster

alecvic · 13/08/2021 17:03

So a few things
He was never in a relationship with her so he didn’t leave behind a failed relationship. It’s just someone he slept with a few times and she got pregnant.

He is on the birth certificate and pays maintenance every month without fail. She has said to him she would never stop him seeing the baby, he’s an equal parent. So I have asked him if they’re still sleeping together because on all accounts she seems reasonable.

I think the stuff a few months back with phone calls out my back up. She also had a tough time a few months back, which he emotionally supported her through. I just feel like he crosses the line with her.

OP posts:

herewegoagain202106 · 13/08/2021 17:05

The moment he told you about the promise he made to her , should have told you everything really. He's probably in some sort of relationship with her if he wasn't you wouldn't be a secret. Yes children come first which is why every adult closely involved in the child's life should be known especially after a year . You need to think carefully about your next steps but whatever you do , don't contact her . It has to come from him

Original poster

alecvic · 13/08/2021 17:07

I haven’t met the baby yet. I didn’t feel particularly ready to meet the baby. He said the babies mum wouldn’t be happy behind her back

OP posts:

Dervel · 13/08/2021 17:45

Look when it comes to a baby and a mother you have to think of them as one in the same. The mother suffers so does the baby. No lines crossed for your boyfriend making sure she can function. This is the reality of being involved with a separated father to a young child. There is 0% chance I would ever get back with my son’s mother, but I’m hardly going to let her go under either. It’s probably the same for your bloke.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/08/2021 17:49

Too much hassle. And probably a future faker.

Why are you doing this to yourself?

He’s not that great even if you have good chemistry. He’s got major baggage and you can find someone else who has similar good traits with fewer complications to build a happy carefree life with.

Absolutely do not contact her. That’s mad. And consider that you’re feeling so hopeless you’d even think about it is a sign about what this relationship is doing to you.

Luannee · 13/08/2021 17:51

It sounds like he's not ready himself.

It's your choice to either walk away, or wait until he is. But you shouldn't force the issue.

2bazookas · 13/08/2021 17:54

@alecvic

No that wasn’t me about any meals. I know his child comes before me. My issue is she doesn’t know about me. I can’t move forward in this relationship without her knowing

He told you she doesn't know about you/he can't have a relationship until baby is one/ if she knew she'd make him stop seeing you

 It's all a load of tripe. Excuses  for him to avoid  any commitment with you.

He 's made it clear he's got no intention of "moving forward with you".

If you contact her. she'll probably tell you they were in a relationship and are still having sex. Why on earth would she care about him having a relationship UNLESS she's with him?

spotcheck · 13/08/2021 18:11

Of course she doesn't HAVE to know about you. He's being secretive about you, but the reasons he is giving for being secretive don't add up.

If he was never with her and they never had a relationship, then why would she be that bothered if he is in a relationship?

Perhaps your gut is telling you something is off, and you are hoping that forcing his hand would quell that little voice?

If he is having long lovely chats with her, is he actively lying about having a partner, or is he skillfully lying by omission? The issue really isn't whether or not she knows, it is his motives. Forcing his hand won't fix that, and you won't come off well here.

I'd feel uncomfortable too.

BrilliantBetty · 13/08/2021 18:17

Sounds like he's putting his eggs firmly in two baskets.

This will be nothing but complicated.

Get out now and find someone life can be simpler with. And who is able to put you as a high priority. You aren't and won't be, sorry, his child will always come first and their mother will always be a part of that.

ElspethFlashman · 13/08/2021 18:25

Jesus love, wake up and smell the absolute bullshit he's emitting.

Hekatestorch · 13/08/2021 18:25

If you are at the point that you are thinking of contacting her to tell on him, you should just walk away.

You say the long phone calls out your back up. And you feel he crossed a line supporting her when she was struggling. I don't think you really understand difficult you will find being in a relationship with a man who has a child with someone else.

I am sure you think it will be all fine. But its really really difficult to be a step parent. If you already feel insecure about her, you won't find it easy and will end up miserable.

He is saying you can't meet the child until she knows, he won't tell her, so you can't move forward to this wonderful future he is offering. So he is talking g about the future, but also blocking it. Its called future faking.

CharlotteRose90 · 13/08/2021 20:29

You don’t need to contact her but i imagine if you did you’d find he’s seeing both of you at the same time sorry. He’s having his cake and eating elsewhere too.

MrsSkylerWhite · 13/08/2021 20:31

If he doesn’t live with you are you sure they’re separated?

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