Mountains that should mole hills

[missminimum]

Not sure if you will be able to help but being able to vent, may help me feel better
DH and I have been married a long time.
It seems like everytime I express an opinion he hoped would be different or I disagree with him, he can't cope with this, becomes short tempered and choses to interperet this as me not loving him anymore. He has a big thing about things not being his fault and not wanting to be blamed for anything (even though I am not blaming him)
He will ask my opinion on something then get cross with me as it was not the one he wanted. A task turns out to me difficult than expected or something breaking, becomes a drama
When I am giving my opinion, I am not cross, just answering his question or pointing out what I feel may be an easier/preferable option. I get upset that he is cross and try to say can we not have an argument over this minor issue or could we talk later more calmly, but this does not work. He turns it into I don't like him, he can't do anything to please me, wants me to apologise for upsetting him etc. It is then followed by him being miserable for hours asking me if I still like him. He watches my facial expressions to try and feel reassured, but this just compounds things as I feel tense. I feel like I am dealing tantrums and it has lead me having less respect for him and it is impacting our marriage. He thinks in a marriage there should be no disagreement or arguments, but it feels he is creating arguments by lossing his temper. I don't see having different opinions is automatically an argument. I would like to find a way to both of us being able to air different opnions without getting cross - anyone have advice please?
Just to add, we never argue over big things we generally approach things like finances, parenting, emergencies in the same way, it is just really small everyday issues where I do not anticipate there would be an issue

You need a default mechanism forthis. Every time he asks for your opinion. answer by asking him what he thinks? This way he can't argue with himself :)

I do realise the gravity of the situation btw

That is helpful advice, I need to try to get into that habit more. Thank you

Yeah a default answer like the PP said is good.
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Or if he starts arguing with you you could say "you asked for my opinion - did you want my opinion or did you just want me to agree with you?"

Thanks ThisIsStarting. I do try that approach but that just makes him more aggrieved and upset. He sees that as me starting an argument. He is a very tense person, who
approaches all issues with the mindset that things are bound to go wrong, unless he has planned everything in advance and wants to discuss small everyday things several times in order to feel in control of what is happening. I just wish he could be more relaxed, not catastrophise so much or conclude any difference of opinion means I don't like him. I don't like him getting cross over the smallest thing, then behaving miserably and being needy of my reassurance for hours after, I find I feel very intolerant of him then

How do you stay married? He sounds exhausting

OP Can I ask.. is he like this with other people or is his behaviour reserved especially for you?

Shoxfordian, it is exhausting and I think that is why I posted. I want to stay in the marriage, but I want it to be a happy one, as it was initially. I don't like the vision of our children, who are now young adults, dealing with the fall out of divorced parents, Christmases, wedding and grandchildren. One of our children is not too well and it would also impact them badly If I try to talk to him about how I feel it leads to an argument, him being miserable, then asking me for hours after if I still like him - the very behaviour which is upsetting me. I feel I am turning into a miserable intolerant middle aged woman, so I am not helping the situation
I have suggested in the past we have counselling but he feels things are not that bad, counseĺlors try to end marriages and tend to side with women

It doesn’t sound like anything’s going to change though, so how long do you want to stay in the marriage knowing he’ll carry on acting like this as long as you’re married?

His behaviour is just toward me, at work he is calm and polite, to friends he would appear very normal, but he does not have his own friends, just sees mine if we meet as couples. Extended family would see him as a good family man, who is overly cautious, but have never seen his cross/needy side.
He is a good father (except exposing them to him being cross toward me) ,works hard etc but is more needy than I have energy for. If these episodes never happened again, things would be okay but it feels we are trapped in a pattern that is hard to break
Thanks for your replies, it has helped to get things off my chest

May I ask if he’s always been like this? If so, how did you deal with it previously? If not, what’s changed?

I’m a massive advocate of conversation. I’d tell him everything you’ve said in the post and in your follow up comments, and see how he responds. If he gets upset, then let him get upset/mull it over a few hours/be sad. Then have the conversation again. It will probably be unpleasant (I’m really sorry), but at least the matter will be addressed and you can hopefully start moving forward.

I also think you should push harder for counselling. He doesn’t think it’s that bad, but you do, and you need to make that clear. State that you love him and do not wish to end the marriage, but you also cannot continue as things are. Apathy helps no one and breeds resentment.

Thanks Buggrit
He has not always been like this, the early days of our marriage were happy, but probably the majority of our marriage has been this way. I know it takes 2 to make a relationship and I have flaws too. Just him being so uptight and needy is exhausting.
We have talked many many times and I have explained the things I have said in these posts, but it leads to an argument then his moods.
I think counselling would be a good idea at some point

Well lovely it seems what he really means by "in a marriage there should be no disagreements or arguments" is "you are not allowed to think anything different to me and I will punish you if you do" hence the silent treatment and disproportionate responses to you having a differing opinion.

The constant checking if you still like him is an interesting tool to make you defend him. This creates Cognative Dissonance in your own mind because although you don't like the behaviour he displays, you cannot articulate this to him without prolonging your discomfort punishment and so you appease him by reassuring him that you love him and he's a lovely person.

It's effectively training methods to keep you in line.

The comments he has made about the counselling are telling too btw. A counsellor who was worth their salt would recognise this situation but would not take "your side" just because you are a woman and they most certainly do not break marriages up. This is him telling you he is afraid someone will recognise his behaviour, which is bad, and possibly that there will be consequences for that behaviour. Instead he'd like the status quo to continue with the only alteration being that you get with the Party Line.

I would strongly suggest you get individual counselling because it would be helpful for you in any case.

I think you would find joint counselling unhelpful given how your husband comes across and it's not recommended in relationships with any abuse and there are signs of emotional abuse from your husband here which I'm sure you don't want to hear

This isn't normal in healthy relationships and his responses are concerning. It makes me think that this is not the only issue but just the one that is on top of your mind at the moment.

@missminimum

His behaviour is just toward me, at work he is calm and polite, to friends he would appear very normal, but he does not have his own friends, just sees mine if we meet as couples. Extended family would see him as a good family man, who is overly cautious, but have never seen his cross/needy side. He is a good father (except exposing them to him being cross toward me) ,works hard etc but is more needy than I have energy for. If these episodes never happened again, things would be okay but it feels we are trapped in a pattern that is hard to break Thanks for your replies, it has helped to get things off my chest

So he only treats you like a cunt? He's respectful to everyone else?

Honestly op he sounds absolutely awful. You must feel totally drained.

He's very manipulative. He plays the victim to get you running around trying to please him and squash your own needs and opinions.

Stop pandering to his schtick. He either needs help with his mental health or he is emotionally abusing you.

Neither will be solved by placating him.

I've unfortunately known a few men like this. It is a real bug bear of mine when someone asks for my opinion or a choice of two things and then goes the other way. I feel like I am being tested.
It is a form of manipulation and gas lighting. You wouldn't work with someone like this so why live with it? I ended both relationships.
If you refuse to give an opinion do you then get 'fine, don't help me then, I thought you'd want to be involved, I'll do it all myself'

I am just ranting now but on my first trip away with ex to HIS friends house we went to m and s to get flowers and red wine. I have NEVER drank red wine let alone bought it. He asked me several times to help him choose and I repeated myself several times that I didn't know. I eventually just pointed at one and said 'that one, for all I know' and walked to the end of the isle.

I think he used to do it more if he was pissed off about something else, he was a real piece of work though.

He also made his poor mum go carpet shopping with him for his grandads house. She had a hospital appointment an hour from where she lived, there was a carpet shop near by. He drove his mum (nice) but insisted they do this after so she could 'help' him pick one out. She didn't want to go as she hadn't slept well, got up early and had lots of hospital tests and he made her! She was refusing to get out the car at the carpet shop as said she'd wait. He thought she was being unreasonable as it was her dad (his grandads house) and he wanted 'help'
Bullshit as he would have walked around made up his mind but asked for opinions just to say why he was right.
They did go inside in the end

I know the story as he told it to me because he was incensed that his mother hadn't been more helpful to him and had 'made a fuss' about coming in the store.

He was an only child and partial carer for him mum and grandad but SOO controlling.

I stuck up for his mum but as usual he already had reasons why he was right and I was wrong to stick up for her and made him angry

He is an ex, pretty sure our last sexual encounter was non-consensual I was passed out drunk and he was angry at me he entered me in the morning and I could tell he was still angry and he never said a word before or during. I had been sick and was in a state. I never said a word either but didn't/ couldn't protest I was that hungover/ still drunk. First time I've ever vocalised/ wrote that down

Sorry for hijacking your post OP that was therapeutic

Sorry you experienced that, shakeitoffshakeacocktail.

Shakeitoff, sorry to her about what you have been through, it sounds awful

So say "you're being needy it's very unattractive" and walk away or have a big fuck off blow out to clear the air

I can't see there is a way forward on this. He is draining you, exhausting you, making you unhappy, makes himself out to be a victim yet is only happy when you agree with him.

I agree with pp - he is manipulating you. No wonder you feel intolerent - I think you've been amazingly tolerant.

If you really want to fight for the r'ship (and first of all check this with yourself - do you still love him the same / find him attractive / would you be happy together for the rest of your days if he completely stopped this behaviour?) then you need to lay out again what you've told us. Put it down in writing if it helps.

As someone said above, he either has a MH problem which needs attention, or he is abusive. If he is willing to acknowledge he has a problem and seek help then there is some hope (but no guarantees). If he won't acknowledge he has a problem which is damaging your r'ship then there is no hope of him ever changing. In fact he'll likely continue to get worse.

From what you have said so far, you would be much better off without him, and I don't think this is a good envirinment / r'ship model for your DC to experience either. They may grow up to copy his way of doing things.

He is a manipulative piece of work who has ramped up this level of power and control against you over several years. He has tested you throughout your relationship to see how much you would tolerate. Given also how he treats others in the outside world in comparison to you I would state that his actions are rooted in wanting absolute power and control and those are rooted in abuse. His comments re counsellors are also very telling.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What needs of your own is he still meeting?.

Staying for the children's sake rarely if ever works out well and is a choice they will not say "thanks mum" to you for. What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?. Is this really the role model you want to be showing them. Women in poor relationships also write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man. He is not a good father to his children if he is treating you as their mother like this.

Why do you think he does not have his own friends?. It may well be because he expects you to be his be all and end all and or has driven people away by his actions.

@shakeitoffshakeacocktail So sorry you experienced that. I hope posting on here was helpful 💐

OP I'm wondering if something happened in his life when this behaviour started. For example, a bereavement? Losing a parent could lead to him feeling a constant need for reassurance that he is loved.

Otoh, it's very common for abusive men to start dropping their mask of niceness when they feel they've got you trapped. Commonly after a baby.

I'm disturbed that your children are witnessing this behaviour. What effect do you think it is having on them?

He is keeping you passive and compliant.
Start standing up for yourself. If he starts arguing your opinion tell him he asked for it, you gave it, no more discussion needed. If he asks if you still like him say ‘no I don’t at the moment’