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Original poster

Perspective needed on partner's adult sons comment

40 replies

Naaaaah · 13/08/2021 11:48

I'm staying at my long term partners house for a few days. (We each have our own house and split our time between the 2). His son gets home from work (temp job in university holidays). He's pissing and moaning about the job, swearing his head off. I couldn't care less about this, I swear too and it really doesn't bother me. However, me and OH had had an argument the night before and he'd sworn at me, so I was still stinging a bit. So I said, there's a lot of swearing going on in this house. I said it in a jovial manner, not in any way reprimanding him. His response was, well if you don't like it, you know where the door is. I was really upset by this. My OH said nothing to him and defended him later, saying he didn't mean it. Am I wrong and over reacting? Is this what stroppy 20 year olds are like?

OP posts:
SnarkyBag · 13/08/2021 12:03

But you weren’t being jovial really though as you said yourself you were still stinging from an argument so it probably came across as a passive aggressive dig.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 13/08/2021 12:08

It's not great, but teens and early 20s do tend to be very self absorbed and just need to vent about the horrors of the real world and actually having to work for a living.

For me I'd just wave it off.

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 13/08/2021 12:26

It's his home and you were a guest. He should be able to come home and let himself go, and if swearing is his way of getting his feelings out when he was obviously stressed out about something then he should be able to do that too. Even if you were being jovial it obviously wasn't the right time for joking when you could see he wasn't in a good mood. Your DP doesn't need to tell him off either, he's a twenty year old man and his dad girlfriend has come round and "joked" about him swearing in his own home, he's not a teenager being mouthy to his step mum.

But if it made you uncomfortable enough to post, and your boyfriend was swearing at you (what exactly happened there? You don't need to tell us but it might be important to think about yourself because a "You're really fucking annoying me keep talking over the film please don't" wouldnt be the same as "You're a c**t".) then the way they are might not be what you want to get into. It is up to you who you are in a relationship with and if you feel uncomfortable around your boyfriends home and his son who lives there then you don't need to feel guilty for leaving if it's what you want. You get into relationships with people you like and feel good around. So if you've only been there two days (has this ever happened when you've stayed before if it's a long relationship?) and you've been feeling bad both days then it's ok to not stay again.

Original poster
Naaaaah · 13/08/2021 12:37

Thank you for your perspective. I think I'm losing my mind recently. Yes, perhaps it was an ill judged comment but the response was a bit much. He's just here for a few weeks in the uni hols, whereas me and my OH run 2 houses between us, so it is my home really. That said, it's his Dad, so it's just as much his home as it is mine.

The argument with my OH was in the middle of the night. His phone beeped with a message and woke me up. I said, what's that. He stirred and yelled, how the fuck should I know, it could be anyone. He was really aggressive.

OP posts:
WouldBeGood · 13/08/2021 12:39

All sounds horrible. Not sure I’d bother with this relationship

AndTheReasonIsYou · 13/08/2021 12:43

The issue with your partner is clearly the bigger issue here. You don’t need that. A man who loved you simply wouldn’t speak to you like that.

HalzTangz · 13/08/2021 12:50

@Naaaaah

Thank you for your perspective. I think I'm losing my mind recently. Yes, perhaps it was an ill judged comment but the response was a bit much. He's just here for a few weeks in the uni hols, whereas me and my OH run 2 houses between us, so it is my home really. That said, it's his Dad, so it's just as much his home as it is mine.

The argument with my OH was in the middle of the night. His phone beeped with a message and woke me up. I said, what's that. He stirred and yelled, how the fuck should I know, it could be anyone. He was really aggressive.

To be honest I'm grumpy when I'm woken suddenly, I would sound aggressive to (even though not meaning too)
Bluntness100 · 13/08/2021 12:54

He's just here for a few weeks in the uni hols, whereas me and my OH run 2 houses between us, so it is my home really. That said, it's his Dad, so it's just as much his home as it is mine

I think you’re over playing your hand there, you will find it’s more his house than yours. By a long way. Your relationship isn’t going to last if you start playing that game, trust me.

TwoBees · 13/08/2021 13:01

@Bluntness100

He's just here for a few weeks in the uni hols, whereas me and my OH run 2 houses between us, so it is my home really. That said, it's his Dad, so it's just as much his home as it is mine

I think you’re over playing your hand there, you will find it’s more his house than yours. By a long way. Your relationship isn’t going to last if you start playing that game, trust me.

Agree with this. It's his home. You stay there when not in your home. I wouldn't start competing with your partner's child.
Hekatestorch · 13/08/2021 13:02

Op you acknowledge its his home. Where he lives at uni, is where he is staying at the moment.

Your comment wasn't jovial at all. It was being PA towards your partner.

And probably mot the right time. If someone is ranting about work and there's no young kids about and you decided to chop about their swearing, most people would say something.

That's not your home. You have a house. Or are you saying both houses are in both names and everything comes out of a joint account?

As for the DP swearing the night before, I wouldn't take it too personally. You woke him up to ask him what the noise was. He was asleep. He was less likely to know than you were

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/08/2021 13:27

However, me and OH had had an argument the night before and he'd sworn at me, so I was still stinging a bit. So I said, there's a lot of swearing going on in this house. I said it in a jovial manner, not in any way reprimanding him.

His son didn't know the context of your fall out with his dad from the night before though, so all he knew was that he swore and then you said there's a lot of swearing going on in this house aka having a jibe at him not his dad.

Nobody has covered themselves in glory here but it's their home, not yours and you can't take out your annoyances with your partner passive aggressively on his son.

It was a silly thing for you to say and unfair to assume his son wouldn't think you were having a go. It wasn't jovial, it was pass agg and caused by your issue with his dad. Stuff he couldn't know and tbh even if he did, would be within his rights to say 'can you not be arsey with me when it's my dad who has upset you?' which would probably annoy you too!

Living with a couple bickering / with underlying tension is pretty miserable.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/08/2021 13:29

"Their home not just yours" that was meant to say...

DismantledKing · 13/08/2021 13:29

@WouldBeGood

All sounds horrible. Not sure I’d bother with this relationship
Is there anything on here that won’t trigger LTB?
Hopingforabagofbuttons · 13/08/2021 14:12

It’s not more your home than his. You stay there sometimes. If you give off that vibe then as your DP or his son that would really piss me off.
My son is 20, if he was to be put in the same position as your DP’s son he would have said the exact same thing, you’re making something out of nothing

Lumpwoody · 13/08/2021 14:14

Yeah sorry but you’re reacting to him because of the fall out with your partner.

TheAverageUser · 13/08/2021 14:18

I'd let it go - I wouldn't expect at 20 to be reprimanded at all, let alone by someone who's not a parent so it would have got my back up. I know it's a house you're all in and he needs to be respectful but, as you say, you swear yourself so why raise it.

Scarydinosaurs · 13/08/2021 14:18

What an odd reaction from your partner about the middle of the night text.

I suspect that is the real problem, not the son.

Hekatestorch · 13/08/2021 14:31

@Scarydinosaurs

What an odd reaction from your partner about the middle of the night text.

I suspect that is the real problem, not the son.

I don't think it is.

If I was asleep and dp woke me up to ask what that noise was, that I hadn't heard because I was asleep, I would probably respond the same.

How is the person still asleep meant to know the noise was? And unless you think the noise is something g that's damaging the house or trying to get in, why would you wake someone up?

saraclara · 13/08/2021 14:40

It's the son's home, not yours. If you have relationship where each partner keeps their own home and the other one visits, you don't have two homes.

This home is the father and son's home. The son going to uni doesn't change that for one minute, and if I had a partner who started acting as you did to my DC who was home for the holidays, I wouldn't be impressed.

NowEvenBetter · 13/08/2021 14:44

There’s no excuse for being with an aggressive male.

NowEvenBetter · 13/08/2021 14:46

Dismantled just because you’d accept a man being aggressive to you doesn’t mean every should have such low standards.

Wjevtvha · 13/08/2021 14:46

It was rude but then I think you were quite patronising and he was obviously having a rant and not in a good mood so it wasn’t the time to address it

HollowTalk · 13/08/2021 14:48

I'm really uncomfortable reading this. It's his son's home. It's not your home. You have your own home and if he wants to go to his own home and swear then he can do, as long as his dad doesn't object.

Your partner sounds beyond grumpy about that call. He sounds aggressive and his son sounds horrible, too.

ilovebrie8 · 13/08/2021 15:07

Your partner sounds aggressive and his son is rude....that wasn't a nice comment he made (the son). How long have you been together?

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 13/08/2021 15:10

It isn't your home when you both a home each, you just stay over. It isn't the same as the son living with his dad, adult or not. The phone thing doesn't sound good but it doesn't really sound that bad either. The man was sleeping and heard the same as you and was likely not really thinking about how he sounded when he'd been sleeping so unless he usually talks to you like that I'd think it was just a normal thing where he was still in sleep mode and didn't even think about how he sounded.