Perspective needed on partner's adult sons comment

[Naaaaah]

I'm staying at my long term partners house for a few days. (We each have our own house and split our time between the 2). His son gets home from work (temp job in university holidays). He's pissing and moaning about the job, swearing his head off. I couldn't care less about this, I swear too and it really doesn't bother me. However, me and OH had had an argument the night before and he'd sworn at me, so I was still stinging a bit. So I said, there's a lot of swearing going on in this house. I said it in a jovial manner, not in any way reprimanding him. His response was, well if you don't like it, you know where the door is. I was really upset by this. My OH said nothing to him and defended him later, saying he didn't mean it. Am I wrong and over reacting? Is this what stroppy 20 year olds are like?

YABU he’s an adult and can swear in his own home if he’s had a shitty day at work.
You probably meant it to be a joke but it sounded quite passive aggressive like you had an issue with it.

The argument with his dad was irrelevant to him so the only one swearing was him, so he would feel your comment was directed towards only him.

It sounds like you were actually being passive aggressive towards his dad which is why he didn’t say anything.

If I was woken with a start in the middle of the night, I'd be bloody grumpy too!

I don't think it's your place to police his adult sons' language.

@Bluntness100

He's just here for a few weeks in the uni hols, whereas me and my OH run 2 houses between us, so it is my home really. That said, it's his Dad, so it's just as much his home as it is mine

I think you’re over playing your hand there, you will find it’s more his house than yours. By a long way. Your relationship isn’t going to last if you start playing that game, trust me.

We've been together a long time. We have 2 homes. We split our time between the 2. I'm not over playing anything. I'm really not sure what game you think I'm playing.

Appreciate everyone's perspective. I'm so sensitive to everything right now that I just can't seem to see the wood for the trees. Totally accept that my comment was unnecessary and was absolutely PA and influenced by the argument. I dunno. There's so much wrong with this relationship right now and I just don't know how much of it is me.

@SnarkyBag

But you weren’t being jovial really though as you said yourself you were still stinging from an argument so it probably came across as a passive aggressive dig.

This. You made a dig, he made a dig.

Either it was jovial, or it was because you were stinging. It's not both.

Also, it's his home, not yours. You don't get to dictate what language he uses in his own home.

If the relationship isn't working, end it @Naaaaah. No point flogging a dead horse.

it is my home really.

I'm staying at my long term partners house for a few days.

Both of these statements can't be true at the same time. If it's your home really, you're not just staying at your partners' house. The reality is, you each have your own house. That's fine, but it's not more your home than it is his son's.

Your over playing your hand by assuming some right to be there.

Op I searched your username as I believed there had to be more to this. And there is. You are miserable and convinced he doesn't want to be with you and seem, somewhat resentful of the son.

You aren't happy. So small incidents like him swearing when you woke him up to find out why his phone bleeped, is going to bother you more than it would someone in a happy stable relationship.

I think you were in the wrong here. But you aren't happy and I really think its time you called it a day.

@Naaaaah I actually can’t believe some of these responses. No you shouldn’t have been spoken to like that by his son and yes your partner should have told him so! Doesn’t matter who lives where …surely you should still treat people with basic respect!? Maybe your comment was misplaced but i don’t think you deserved that response.

She started it by being passive aggressive to the son in the first place!

Don’t dish it out if you can’t take it back.

@Scarydinosaurs

What an odd reaction from your partner about the middle of the night text.

I suspect that is the real problem, not the son.

If my phone pinged in the middle of the night and woke my dh up, then my dh woke me up, I’d be angry with him too! Perfectly normal reaction on the part of her partner I’d say.

He's came home stressed, vented, felt you reprimanded him for it and reacted. I don't think he's a stroppy 20 year old. People can get like this at any age.

It's been a bad mix of you getting over an argument with his dad and him being stressed from work. Next time let him get it out and don't say anything unless he's directed something at you.

I think you should all calm down how you speak to each other. If you swear then you can't decide that there should be no swearing. Lead by example.

I wouldn't take to heart what a young stressed person says.

We've been together a long time. We have 2 homes.

Ok well you said in your op you were staying at his house and that you each have your own house. Now you jointly own two homes and live together? People can only go on what you post.

The initial op read that you didn’t live together but stayed at each other’s houses as is normal in boyfriend girlfriend relationships. However if you jointly own the homes together and live together then of course it’s as much your home as the sons, if however it’s per your initial post then no it’s not your home

Would you declare your own home is your step sons home. I suspect not.

What do you think is wrong with the relationship?

Him saying ‘I don’t fucking know’ or whatever isn’t that bad considering it was in the middle of the night.
Was there an argument that followed or was that it?
Do you think it was another women messaging him?

Obviously there is more going on which was why you were upset by what your partner said and then what his son said.