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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Mixed signals

35 replies

EmphasiseYourEyesBold · 13/08/2021 11:15

I matched with a guy on Bumble, we were talking on and off.
We live in different cities, he was previously in my city (abroad) for work but had to go back to his city (London). I cancelled a date (not really made any concrete arrangements but we had decided on a day...) but we still kept in touch. He added me on Instagram and I followed him too, until I realised at a later point that he was no longer following me (I also unfollowed him at that point...). I wasn't paying close attention to when because I wasn't super keen on getting into a relationship quickly and didn't really think about developing anything with him. He also asked for my number and we have been texting on Whatsapp including some risqué texts. I have started to develop strong feelings for him and I thought he felt the same. When I told him I would be in the UK for a week to visit family, he was texting me non-stop to arrange us to meet and I wanted to meet him too. He said he would take me on holiday with him too without making concrete plans, but he said that we would discuss when I arrived. He also said very romantic things and seemed so keen.
I got to the UK but not London (but a city a few hours train ride away) and he went silent. I texted him at one point saying it had been nice chatting and we would see each other in my city if he ever got back.
I followed up by sending a message tentatively suggesting that if I came to London would he be available and no reply. Then I sent a picture of myself in a nice dress and he immediately texted back saying that he was sorry and he had been very busy but he would text me later because he was at a dinner. I'm tempted to confront him about the silence and reluctance to meet me but I don't want to scare him off even more. He's so hot and cold but I really like him. Also I know that I blew him off at the beginning so maybe he is still cautious? Might he have a valid reason or is he uninterested and simply bored when he texts me? I really want to pursue something with him if he gets back to my city and I cant's stop thinking about him. At the same time, I wonder whether I should confront him about the situation and lay my cards on the table to say, I do like him but if he's not interested, I will understand and we can draw a line under the situation...Very grateful for any advice! Thank you

OP posts:

Deedee121 · 13/08/2021 11:25

Sorry but it sounds like he's not interested. I would not make any further contact and leave him be.

Sakurami · 13/08/2021 12:11

Nope. Don't talk to him again. Hot and cold is shit. Following, unfollowing and not texting back when he knows you're local. Nope, don't go there. Find someone available who you don't have to play stupid games with or be scared about scaring him off

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 13/08/2021 12:40

He isn't interested in you as a person. He wants sex with you. Hence responding to your dress photo. I would assume he is married/partnered.

He's a twat. Set yourself free

TheFoundations · 13/08/2021 12:49

Top and bottom of this is that he's hot and cold, in response to you being yourself.

Do you want this in a partner? It's a yes or no question.

baileys6904 · 13/08/2021 13:42

What are the timescales involved? If he was silent for a week then text again, then that's different from silent for a few hours then text again

Original poster

EmphasiseYourEyesBold · 13/08/2021 13:53

Thank you for all the advice.
@baileys6904, re the timescales, sometimes he would text me and reply straight away and other times not reply for a few days so I would do the same. When I sent the dress picture he texted back straight away and then after several hours later that evening. What I forgot to mention also, is one of his friends contacted me on Instagram, I don't think he knew that I know one of his friends (I saw it on one of his social media pics) and started talking to me about a random business venture. But that also made me think, why has he given his friend my Instagram?

OP posts:

Amz6219 · 13/08/2021 13:58

It's so hard when you really like someone, but I would say he isn't that interested tbh

Try the 'treat 'em mean' route - stop getting in touch with him and see what he does, but long term he sounds like hard work - would you want a relationship with that?

HelenHywater · 13/08/2021 13:58

He's not interested. He may also be already with someone. Just delete him

Original poster

EmphasiseYourEyesBold · 13/08/2021 14:06

@amz6219 will see how that works out but if not...will have to forget and delete him! :) @helenhywater - thanks all

OP posts:

Sakurami · 14/08/2021 08:39

Why would you want someone who you have to treat mean to keep keen?

category12 · 14/08/2021 08:44

Let it go - if he was actually interested it wouldn't be this hard. Stop chasing him.

You don't know him, he was just a time-waster, he's not worth all this energy.

LitPearl · 14/08/2021 08:47

Well, don't participate i any risque texting. why would you bother? This guy isn't really sending mixed signals imo. He's signalling that's he'd shag you if you made it easy for him and if it suited him and the timing lined up.

Littlemissnc · 14/08/2021 10:18

Don’t keep texting it seems a bit desperate and he isn’t reciprocating. Just leave it now. I imagine he has other women on the go.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 14/08/2021 10:25

But that also made me think, why has he given his friend my Instagram?

Probably while he was following you on Instagram his friend was on a trip of contacting all the friends of friends to spam out their stupid mlm crap.

FOJN · 14/08/2021 10:29

I'm tempted to confront him about the silence and reluctance to meet me but I don't want to scare him off even more.

He's been inconsistent and unreliable but you don't want to scare him off! He's not a catch is he? Why waste your time trying to force something with someone who isn't enthusiastic.

I agree with PP, he saw your photo and has put you in the "good for a shag" pile. Your photo said, stop ignoring me, please fancy me - he knows he can continue to be inconsistent because you haven't walked away.

It says everything about him rather than being a reflection on you. It will be better for your self esteem if you forget this disrespectful arse.

Goodthings · 14/08/2021 10:39

You say how much you like him but you’ve never met? Plus he’s messing you around. Back off and don’t bother.

Suprima · 14/08/2021 10:51

@EmphasiseYourEyesBold

I matched with a guy on Bumble, we were talking on and off. We live in different cities, he was previously in my city (abroad) for work but had to go back to his city (London). I cancelled a date (not really made any concrete arrangements but we had decided on a day...) but we still kept in touch. He added me on Instagram and I followed him too, until I realised at a later point that he was no longer following me (I also unfollowed him at that point...). I wasn't paying close attention to when because I wasn't super keen on getting into a relationship quickly and didn't really think about developing anything with him. He also asked for my number and we have been texting on Whatsapp including some risqué texts. I have started to develop strong feelings for him and I thought he felt the same. When I told him I would be in the UK for a week to visit family, he was texting me non-stop to arrange us to meet and I wanted to meet him too. He said he would take me on holiday with him too without making concrete plans, but he said that we would discuss when I arrived. He also said very romantic things and seemed so keen. I got to the UK but not London (but a city a few hours train ride away) and he went silent. I texted him at one point saying it had been nice chatting and we would see each other in my city if he ever got back. I followed up by sending a message tentatively suggesting that if I came to London would he be available and no reply. Then I sent a picture of myself in a nice dress and he immediately texted back saying that he was sorry and he had been very busy but he would text me later because he was at a dinner. I'm tempted to confront him about the silence and reluctance to meet me but I don't want to scare him off even more. He's so hot and cold but I really like him. Also I know that I blew him off at the beginning so maybe he is still cautious? Might he have a valid reason or is he uninterested and simply bored when he texts me? I really want to pursue something with him if he gets back to my city and I cant's stop thinking about him. At the same time, I wonder whether I should confront him about the situation and lay my cards on the table to say, I do like him but if he's not interested, I will understand and we can draw a line under the situation...Very grateful for any advice! Thank you

You were being used as a pen pal or a sexting buddy when he was bored. He has tried to keep you responsive with future faking (we’ll go on holiday!) and low effort text contact. He might meet you in person, when he wants a shag and finds himself at a loose end- because you are on the edge of his fishing hook.

I would seriously get off the OLD and re-examine why you have ‘fallen’ for someone who is very clearly a user.

Suprima · 14/08/2021 10:53

@EmphasiseYourEyesBold

I matched with a guy on Bumble, we were talking on and off. We live in different cities, he was previously in my city (abroad) for work but had to go back to his city (London). I cancelled a date (not really made any concrete arrangements but we had decided on a day...) but we still kept in touch. He added me on Instagram and I followed him too, until I realised at a later point that he was no longer following me (I also unfollowed him at that point...). I wasn't paying close attention to when because I wasn't super keen on getting into a relationship quickly and didn't really think about developing anything with him. He also asked for my number and we have been texting on Whatsapp including some risqué texts. I have started to develop strong feelings for him and I thought he felt the same. When I told him I would be in the UK for a week to visit family, he was texting me non-stop to arrange us to meet and I wanted to meet him too. He said he would take me on holiday with him too without making concrete plans, but he said that we would discuss when I arrived. He also said very romantic things and seemed so keen. I got to the UK but not London (but a city a few hours train ride away) and he went silent. I texted him at one point saying it had been nice chatting and we would see each other in my city if he ever got back. I followed up by sending a message tentatively suggesting that if I came to London would he be available and no reply. Then I sent a picture of myself in a nice dress and he immediately texted back saying that he was sorry and he had been very busy but he would text me later because he was at a dinner. I'm tempted to confront him about the silence and reluctance to meet me but I don't want to scare him off even more. He's so hot and cold but I really like him. Also I know that I blew him off at the beginning so maybe he is still cautious? Might he have a valid reason or is he uninterested and simply bored when he texts me? I really want to pursue something with him if he gets back to my city and I cant's stop thinking about him. At the same time, I wonder whether I should confront him about the situation and lay my cards on the table to say, I do like him but if he's not interested, I will understand and we can draw a line under the situation...Very grateful for any advice! Thank you

And for the love of god, don’t send him any more selfies. It’s pathetic.

I guarantee he hasn’t given your friend your Instagram with the mindset of ‘here’s my future wife!!!’, more like ‘look who won’t stop texting me…’

sunnyzweibrucken · 14/08/2021 13:15

He’s using you as a time waster- when he’s bored and has time on his hands he’ll reach out til something or someone else comes along .

WallaceinAnderland · 14/08/2021 13:46

Raise the bar.

Opentooffers · 14/08/2021 13:56

You are trying to make a loaf of bread from the crumbs he's giving you. Now why are you developing feelings for someone who clearly doesn't GAF about you? Do you get a kick out of the idea of changing someone's mind? Want to spend your life going " yoohoo, look at me, I exist, I'm over here"? Really, set your bar higher or you will be setting yourself up for OLD disappointment.

Aprilx · 14/08/2021 14:02

I don’t even think the messages are mixed, he is not interested. He probably responded to the dress photo because that was a bit desperate and he thought he might get some more photos. You haven’t even met him, there is nothing to confront him about.

Original poster

EmphasiseYourEyesBold · 15/08/2021 11:55

Thanks all. I'm not going to try contact him again, I'll let him do his own thing...I may be naïve but I just don't understand why he would text me non-stop on some days and say he wants to arrange things when he's not interested. I mean, I don't think he is interested as he's not been in touch, but why do men do that? Why put in the effort and then pull back so dramatically? Is it really just a game for men?

OP posts:

Suprima · 15/08/2021 17:13

@EmphasiseYourEyesBold

Because he is an absolute loser with no priorities, low self esteem and too much time on his hands

It’s an ego boost for him- he’s texting you all day because you are replying to him! Once he’s bored, onto the next.

And he hasn’t put in ‘all the effort’ - what has he done for you? Has he sent you flowers? Attended a nice date for you? You guys haven’t even met.

If you think texting is ‘making effort’ you need to re-examine your boundaries. There are some men who are on online dating for sex, there are some who are just there for an ego-boost. There are some who want a genuine connection- but they will demonstrate that through intent and actions….not teenage texting throughout the day.

Suprima · 15/08/2021 17:14

Arranged, not attended* - but both work. You guys haven’t met!

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