Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Would you be upset if a family member said this?

49 replies

JurassicPark101 · 13/08/2021 08:53

I’ve had a really rough few years, culminating in separating from my husband 2 years ago. My family weren’t particularly supportive of me leaving my Dh as he was never abusive towards me and earned very good money that he was generous with. I was expected to just put up with the fact he wouldn’t sleep in the same room as me, refused to speak to me for 5 years after I was raped and just generally treated me as a house elf because he never hit me and took me on nice holidays.

Anyway, about 6 months after leaving Dh I met someone. Completely unplanned, I was fully looking forward to spending the rest of my life single and just concentrating on my dc but this man turned up and 18 months later I’m completely besotted with him. He’s briefly met my dc in passing but we haven’t properly done stuff together yet. I wanted to get my sister’s opinion of him as I know I’m just in the daft being in love stage and don’t want to properly introduce my kids to someone if there’s something glaringly obvious that’s wrong with him that I’ve missed.

Last weekend we did a family barbecue. My dc were with my ex so I invited this man along. He seemed to get on really well with everyone and it was just a really nice afternoon. I call my Dsis the next day to ask what she thought of him and she told me that she didn’t like him as he was over familiar with her baby. I asked her what she meant and she said that he kept playing with her baby (9mo and wanting someone to walk her around all the time) and it was really weird. I said was it creepy weird and she said no, just over familiar weird. I did see him walking the baby around a few times and chatting away to her but I assumed that was just because it was probably a bit awkward being around a family who know each other really well for the first time. Babies and kids are easy to chat to so I assumed he was just doing that.

Now I feel really uncomfortable. Was my sister suggesting that he’s a danger around kids? I know she doesn’t approve of the fact that I left my husband and that I’m seeing someone else but I thought she’d at least be honest about what she thought about him.

OP posts:

Ladybug123 · 13/08/2021 08:58

Really?!?! I’d say that walking a baby around was a way of coping with nerves around meeting your family and an attempt to show your family that he’s a decent man.

I can’t for one minute understand why this would be ‘creepy’.

AbsolutelyPatsy · 13/08/2021 09:00

babies are easy to interact with, and rewarding.
is he shy?

AbsolutelyPatsy · 13/08/2021 09:01

you put him in a big position op, your ex and your dc?
eek

pinkflask · 13/08/2021 09:02

People often play with a baby when they’re in a potentially awkward social situation - babies are fun and easy company and you don’t have to make small talk with them! Same with dogs 😂

Allthelights · 13/08/2021 09:04

I think he probably misjudged it by playing with the baby a bit too much. Most men would not do that with a family they didn’t know at a barbecue. However he probably felt awkward and didn’t know what to do with himself.

Theunamedcat · 13/08/2021 09:05

@AbsolutelyPatsy

you put him in a big position op, your ex and your dc? eek

I read it as the DC were with the ex?

Amz6219 · 13/08/2021 09:05

Being totally honest when my brother split with his long term GF (15 years) we acted a bit like this about his new GF... His ex was like part of the family and it was really hard to get on board with a new GF, but now the new GF is like part of the family!

It might just take them some time to warm to him. I don't think it sounds like there is anything wrong with him, they're just picking faults IMO.

Hekatestorch · 13/08/2021 09:06

I get why he probably felt more comfortable interacting with the baby. But some people do feel ubcomftable with strange people seeming to zone in on young children and babies.

I don't think she was saying he was a danger to children, just that she thought he was overly familiar.

If you know they were going to be negative because they don't approve of you rkaving your husband, I think you need to work on caring less about what they think.

Original poster

JurassicPark101 · 13/08/2021 09:06

absolutepatsy God no, dc we’re with ex elsewhere. Sorry badly worded on my part.

OP posts:

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 13/08/2021 09:07

@AbsolutelyPatsy the kids and ex weren't there, the kids were at the ex's house.

I think your sister is being mean putting those kind of doubts in your head, as they don't seem warranted from what you've said.

I've often found myself interacting with the kids or dogs when I feel a bit out of my depth with new people.

Theunamedcat · 13/08/2021 09:07

Isnt there a way of checking someone's criminal past before you introduce your children to him? That might ease your family and your minds about this

Do you family know how badly you were treated?

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 13/08/2021 09:07

She sounds like she was looking for a reason to dislike him.

AbsolutelyPatsy · 13/08/2021 09:08

oh phew, your ex and dc werent there

Original poster

JurassicPark101 · 13/08/2021 09:09

That’s what I thought, I certainly some in on kids if I’m feeling a bit awkward at an event. Maybe some people just find it weird when it’s a man? He’s got kids himself so I didn’t think anything of it.

OP posts:

Vallmo47 · 13/08/2021 09:09

I think that a really peculiar thing of your sister to say to be honest and if no one else agrees he was being creepy, then I’d disregard it. She obviously likes your ex as you say and it sounds like she was clutching at straws, trying hard to find something to dislike about new man. I agree with previous poster that he was probably trying to show an interest in family members and by showing he likes/gets on well with kids, they’d warm to him as the caring man he is.

Original poster

JurassicPark101 · 13/08/2021 09:11

theunamedcat due to the nature of his job there is no way he could have any kind of criminal record. Family know what ex was like and how he treated me. They didn’t even like him much but don’t think the reasons I had for leaving were justified. I know they expect me to get back with him eventually but I did think my sister at least was on my side.

OP posts:

ExpressDelivery · 13/08/2021 09:13

Well I like him. I can well see he was "using" the baby as a way of avoiding having to spend the entire time making small talk with people he didn't know and who he knew were essentially checking him out, but being willing and able to give that time a to a small child is still lovely.

Ladybug123 · 13/08/2021 09:14

Tbh I think my concern is why you’re putting so much stock in your sisters opinion of your new partner, when she obviously didn’t want you separating from a man who was so emotionally cruel to you.

MzHz · 13/08/2021 09:15

Hmm… well you said it yourself @JurassicPark101 love, they weren’t supportive of you before and they're not being supportive now.

Don’t expect them to be invested in your happiness, your sister is a real cow for trying to make you doubt him

Sounds like the absolutely normal response to being in a group of people who are all strangers

I would honestly ignore your sister, back off a bit from all of them and move at the pace that suits you.

Our families sometimes like us to remain in situations that make us unhappy so that they can feel better about their own relationships

54321nought · 13/08/2021 09:17

sounds like he crossed her boundaries. I wouldn't like a complete stranger dominating my baby, I would consider it an intrusion. Probably nothing more than a terrible misjudgement on his part

MsSquiz · 13/08/2021 09:17

I think your sister is being weird. If you were her brother and your new DP a woman, she wouldn't have batted an eye lid at her walking around with your niece!

Kids are a great distraction in situations like this and I think it's lovely that he felt comfortable enough to interact with a child he didn't know.

I also know if I thought someone was being "over familiar" with my child & I felt uncomfortable, I would put a stop to the behaviour. It doesn't sound like she did?
It really just sounds like no one will live up to your ex husband in her eyes, which is sad

Wherever my DH goes, kids are drawn to him, my best friend's daughter adores him and wants to constantly hold his hand, him to play with her, etc, from the first time they met!

MzHz · 13/08/2021 09:19

@JurassicPark101

The time I was kicked when down the worst was when I was trying (and succeeded) to leave the ex.

They knew he was proper abusive, they knew how desperately unhappy I was, but at every point where they could have helped, they did what they could do to hurt me, undermine me and prevent me getting out

I’m nc with my M now, and low contact with sis. The last straw for me was finding out that at the time, she too was in a controlling relationship so knew how I was feeling but still was really cruel and did what she could do and say to hurt me at the time.

You choose your friends, the devil chooses your family.

Stay strong, and take the oath you need to take to be happy healthy and safe

Cherryana · 13/08/2021 09:20

My DH does this. I have to tell him sometimes people don’t like you being with their child so much. (This is at barbecues and parties - all in plain sight). My DH is not English and I think that has something to do with it - he doesn’t have the self concioncious awareness that I take for granted!!

MzHz · 13/08/2021 09:23

Path! Not oath :)

layladomino · 13/08/2021 09:28

Your sister is being a bit weird IMO.

I think I'd do similar in a situation with a bunch of strangers. It's a way of removing yourself whilst still being 'there' and polite. Same if there was a dog around I'd probably spend a fair amount of time fussing the dog!

If your sister didn't like him spending so much time with her baby then she could have just not allowed it to happen. So unless he wrestled the baby off her then I can't see he's done anything wrong.

I think much much more likely is that your family are looking for reasons to not like him (or your sister was just having a bad day). I wouldn't let that colour my view of him at all. I think it's bad of your sister to try to pour water on your happiness.

Flip

1 2