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Original poster

Would you be upset if a family member said this?

49 replies

JurassicPark101 · 13/08/2021 08:53

I’ve had a really rough few years, culminating in separating from my husband 2 years ago. My family weren’t particularly supportive of me leaving my Dh as he was never abusive towards me and earned very good money that he was generous with. I was expected to just put up with the fact he wouldn’t sleep in the same room as me, refused to speak to me for 5 years after I was raped and just generally treated me as a house elf because he never hit me and took me on nice holidays.

Anyway, about 6 months after leaving Dh I met someone. Completely unplanned, I was fully looking forward to spending the rest of my life single and just concentrating on my dc but this man turned up and 18 months later I’m completely besotted with him. He’s briefly met my dc in passing but we haven’t properly done stuff together yet. I wanted to get my sister’s opinion of him as I know I’m just in the daft being in love stage and don’t want to properly introduce my kids to someone if there’s something glaringly obvious that’s wrong with him that I’ve missed.

Last weekend we did a family barbecue. My dc were with my ex so I invited this man along. He seemed to get on really well with everyone and it was just a really nice afternoon. I call my Dsis the next day to ask what she thought of him and she told me that she didn’t like him as he was over familiar with her baby. I asked her what she meant and she said that he kept playing with her baby (9mo and wanting someone to walk her around all the time) and it was really weird. I said was it creepy weird and she said no, just over familiar weird. I did see him walking the baby around a few times and chatting away to her but I assumed that was just because it was probably a bit awkward being around a family who know each other really well for the first time. Babies and kids are easy to chat to so I assumed he was just doing that.

Now I feel really uncomfortable. Was my sister suggesting that he’s a danger around kids? I know she doesn’t approve of the fact that I left my husband and that I’m seeing someone else but I thought she’d at least be honest about what she thought about him.

OP posts:

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 13/08/2021 09:30

@54321nought

sounds like he crossed her boundaries. I wouldn't like a complete stranger dominating my baby, I would consider it an intrusion. Probably nothing more than a terrible misjudgement on his part

I don’t think I’d like it either whether make or female although I would have taken my child back rather than let it continue.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 13/08/2021 09:34

My H was like a magnet for small kids. This is totally the way he would have behaved in quite a high pressure situation. It's also the way I would behave!

If your sister genuinely thought he was being creepy, she would surely have said "oh mummy needs a cuddle now" or said it's nap time.

Your family do not sound nice or supportive and they are weirdly over invested in your relationships. My mum is a cunt (went NC 6yrs ago) and she tried to persuade me to stay with a horrible, sulking, lazy, selfish, sexually coercive wankstain - because he earned good money. I had a very brief exit affair with the man who became my H. He was a single dad and disabled, could not work. I think my mum had visions of Rich Shitty Boyfriend paying off her mortgage or for her care home fees.

Tiredofbs · 13/08/2021 09:38

Husband did this before we were married and still does this to avoid interaction with people he doesn’t know AND because he has a great rapport with children and animals!

We have kids now and I’d understand completely why someone new to a group might interact with them a lot. Tbh I’d be grateful to them 🤣. If I felt they were crowding baby I’d take baby away… end of!

I think your sister is being spiteful tbh and just finding something not to like about your new man!

HalfTermHalfTerm · 13/08/2021 09:38

@54321nought

sounds like he crossed her boundaries. I wouldn't like a complete stranger dominating my baby, I would consider it an intrusion. Probably nothing more than a terrible misjudgement on his part

I think ‘terrible misjudgement’ is rather an overreaction to someone interacting with a baby at a party. It’s not like her dropped her while mucking around or put red bull in her bottle

It sounds to me like your sister is just looking for an excuse to me. If he wasn’t being ‘creepy’ and the baby was happy being with him then I can’t see what he did wrong. If your sister had an issue with it then she should have stepped in.

AndAroundAgain · 13/08/2021 09:51

People usually think that sort of behaviour means you’ve got a potential catch who is caring with children - and that you could feel confident introducing your kids to him!

NoSquirrels · 13/08/2021 09:55

Is it your sister’s first - is she a bit PFB in general?

I wouldn’t dwell on this, tbh. Keep enjoying your relationship. Trust your own instincts.

gordongrumpy · 13/08/2021 10:02

I like the sound of him, too.

OP, do the freedom programme.

DowntonCrabby · 13/08/2021 10:25

I think they’re still holding the split against you and looking for things to pick at.

I’d 100% interact with a baby at a bbq full of mostly strangers/ meeting a new family. He sounds really nice OP. I’m horrified at your ex’ treatment of you and really hope you’re happy

NewlyGranny · 13/08/2021 10:35

I like the sound of him, too, and of the worst your DS could find to say was that he was delighted with her baby, I'd move on confidently and introduce him to your DC when you're both ready.

OaxacaChihuahua · 13/08/2021 10:42

It certainly doesn’t sound weird from the way you’ve described it.

However… you did say you specifically wanted your family’s opinions on him, in case you were missing something yourself. That suggests you trust your family to be good judges of character and to be honest with you. If that’s the case, you do have to accept that something about his interactions with your sister’s baby made her uncomfortable. That doesn’t automatically mean he’s creepy or weird - it may be that any unknown man interacting with her baby would trigger your sister’s maternal instinct. But it’s something for you to at least give thought to.

On the other hand, if you don’t actually trust your family’s judgment and you think your sister might present a negative view regardless because she’s ‘punishing’ you for leaving your husband, you don’t have to pay attention to what she says. You can just rely on your own judgement of him.

Original poster

JurassicPark101 · 13/08/2021 11:32

Baby isn’t dsis’s first but she did go (what I thought, anyway) a bit OTT with Covid - she’s still not been in a shop/ cafe, still disinfecting all shopping bags and leaving them for 24hrs before bringing them into house and still won’t be inside with anyone other than her Dh and dc. Hence doing a bbq as she considers anything else grossly irresponsible. Baby was niggling at dsis to walk her around while dsis was trying to have a conversation so man I was with walked her around instead and just chatted away to her. I thought it was sweet but dsis obviously didn’t.

I’m from a very traditional background where divorce is pretty rare unless there are extreme circumstances. Man I’m seeing is from the same background and also divorced despite no affairs, violence or abandonment. I wish I could step back from my family but due to my background they’re all I’ve ever known. I’ve never had a friend from outside my community or done any activity outside of my community and I’m mid 30’s, I genuinely wouldn’t know where to start. I just thought my sister, at least, was on my side. I know she has to go along with what others say when we’re in a group but she’d always been relatively positive about things when we were alone. Ah, well.

OP posts:

MzHz · 13/08/2021 11:50

Your family dynamics are way off

This change in social circle is long overdue

Step back from her, step back from them and see what’s going on with other (more normal) people

Your man did exactly what anyone else would do. Your sister sounds not very nice, a bit deluded and very jealous

Original poster

JurassicPark101 · 13/08/2021 19:28

54321nought is it really a terrible misjudgement to play with a baby who clearly wants attention, when their parent is involved with something else, at a family barbecue? To me that would be a perfectly normal thing to do. I could understand her getting upset if he was trying to play with the baby while she was breastfeeding, or trying to get baby down for a nap or had said that she didn’t want strangers interacting with her baby for whatever reason. Other than that, I genuinely don’t see why it would be considered a ‘terrible misjudgment’.

OP posts:

Original poster

JurassicPark101 · 13/08/2021 19:30

MzHz I think you’re probably right. For so long I’ve told myself that deep down they want the best for me, that the only reason they’re being like this is because they found my divorce a source of embarrassment in the wider community. But I’ve met a lovely man, unbelievably from the same background as my family although a community in a different city and they’re still finding a way to make me feel like shit about it.

OP posts:

aSofaNearYou · 13/08/2021 19:32

I think it's your sister that comes across as not very nice, tbh.

Deadringer · 13/08/2021 20:16

Maybe he likes babies, it's not a crime. I think your sister sounds very odd

54321nought · 13/08/2021 23:29

@JurassicPark101

Its a terrible misjudgement because it breached the mother's boundaries

Sampafie · 14/08/2021 07:06

I think you have your own idea of why you think they dont like this man OP and you now want MN to confirm your sister is in the wrong. Thats fair enough, but she is absolutely well within her rights to insist a strange man stay the hell away from her kids. Also telling that you seem to want to brush it off, he met YOUR kids in passing, but she said he was overly familiar with hers and you think shes just being difficult. Why not leave him with your kids to see what kind of gut feeling you get then

Original poster

JurassicPark101 · 14/08/2021 09:01

I just don’t understand where she’s coming from. If I was uncomfortable with a strange man playing with my baby I would say something or remove the baby from the situation rather than wait until a few days after the event. She didn’t have a problem with it at the time and was perfectly happy to continue chatting/ eating rather than intervening.

OP posts:

Original poster

JurassicPark101 · 14/08/2021 09:04

54321nought how could he know it breached boundaries if she was perfectly happy to allow him to do it. He was never more than about 10 feet away from her with the baby, she could have easily just scooped her up and carried on with her conversation if her boundaries were being breached in such a terrible manner. Instead she was chatting away, occasionally smiling encouragingly. If I was even the slightest bit uncomfortable about someone being around my baby I would immediately remove the baby from the situation.

OP posts:

grapewine · 14/08/2021 09:08

OP, she's finding reasons not to like him. Don't put this much headspace into the opinion of people, who wanted you to stay in an unhappy marriage because he made money and didn't hit you.

Time to detach.

MzHz · 14/08/2021 09:09

No, this is nothing to do with what your man did or didn’t do, this is your sister trying to wreck it for you

You’re overthinking this, this is exactly her intention

So stop. 🙂

Turn the page, put her in the jealous and bitter camp and carry on with being happy.

NoSquirrels · 14/08/2021 09:12

@JurassicPark101

Kindly, I think you are overthinking this.

You really wanted your family, but your sister in particular, to approve of your new bloke. You pressed your sister to say what she thought, and she said she thought he was ‘overfamiliar’ with her baby and that was ‘weird’.

Whatever the issue is, it’s not with your bloke. It’s with your family, and all the ingrained, unspoken stuff around marriages and failed marriages a d what have you.

They’ll come around the more they get to know him. Just carry on being happy, and don’t seek their approval. Be confident in yourself.

Does this bloke treat you well? Are you happy on his company?

Those are the only questions you need to answer.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/08/2021 09:12

@54321nought

sounds like he crossed her boundaries. I wouldn't like a complete stranger dominating my baby, I would consider it an intrusion. Probably nothing more than a terrible misjudgement on his part

But it's really easy to fix, you pick baby up and say "oh give Steve a bit of peace now Dora" and take the baby away and supervise her. Not let hom distract her all night so you can eat in peace and relax and then complain he's a creep

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