Those of you with DPs with addiction issues....

Original poster

fancyaflatwhite · 12/08/2021 16:22

^^ That's a heck of a lot of questions in one post, sorry! Answers to any of them, or just hearing any of your experiences or thoughts would be amazing!!

OP posts:

LeisureSuitLarry · 12/08/2021 17:55

I'm in the same boat and would love some answers that would actually help. I (I'm sure wrongly) deal with it by withholding affection and love, which probably does make us both more miserable. I love my wife and when she's doing well, I try to encourage her by being loving and affectionate, but I just can't bring myself to act like that for a good few days after she's been on a huge bender with family money and left me to pick up the pieces. It feels like I'd be encouraging or condoning her behaviour.

Original poster

fancyaflatwhite · 12/08/2021 18:13

@LeisureSuitLarry
That sounds very familiar and I hope e get some advice on dealing with that, do you or she go to any support groups or couples counselling?

I feel resentful - withhold affection/communication - then usually end up snapping - then feel guilty, and it seems to be a vicious cycle of guilt/shame/resentment/Disconnection

It's tough.

OP posts:

Original poster

fancyaflatwhite · 12/08/2021 18:15

@LeisureSuitLarry
Another thing I find difficult is that the children think I'm being mean and unkind to daddy after a relapse/bender. Obviously there's no way I can share it or explain any of what's going on with them. I think that adds to the resentment.

OP posts:

Belle96 · 12/08/2021 18:39

Dont be in that boat, it never resolves its self, no matter how many promises. Ive been there and the children and yourself are better off alone. An addict doesn't realise what they have lost until its gone.....such a sad fact

youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/08/2021 18:42

If it's substance / alcohol abuse and you have children in the home then I think the dynamic of an addict and a non addict (who may previously have been an enabler) is too much to ask those children to live with. Same with any addiction Tbf but the effects of substance / alcohol abuse put children in increased physical danger on top of the emotional load of growing up with an addict. I'm really sorry you're going through this - you and your children aren't obliged to be kind to him over and above being kind to yourselves and each other.

pog100 · 12/08/2021 19:20

No direct experience but I've been on these boards long enough to know that the overwhelming advice is to leave. You cannot help someone who isn't determined to help themselves and in the process you are damaging both yourself and your children. By your own admission they are confused and will only become more so with age. I think you need to split.

RantyAunty · 12/08/2021 19:23

You don't.
You gather up every bit of courage and you leave.
Being a child of an addict is a living hell.

HappyDisposition · 12/08/2021 19:30

@fancyaflatwhite

How do you find it in you to remain supportive over the years?

How do you manage to resolve your resentments and disappointment and keep going?

How does your DP's addiction (whether drugs, alcohol, gambling - though all come with their own side issues) impact your relationship?

I feel a crazy mixture of disappointed, exhausted, resentful, anxious and guilty for not being able to support at the moment, while DP is relapsing with his substance issues - but on top of work, kids, house it's just feeling like one thing too many.

I'm angry, sad, confused and very unsure of how to be with him, for fear of either being unsupportive or enabling a dangerous habit.

Is anyone managing to keep communication going well, and if so - please let me know how.

How do you find it in you to remain supportive over the years? I couldn't. I tried and tried and tried when he first admitted there were issues. I found charities to offer him support, counselling, meetings, my own counselling. You name it, I did it. But exDP was so half arsed about every possible avenue it was impossible to remain supportive.

How do you manage to resolve your resentments and disappointment and keep going?
I couldn't. We've split now, but everytime I see the debt I am still in due to exDPs addiction, I still feel very bitter about how different things could have been.

And to answer your last question, ultimately it was the end of us. There was simply too much resentment, bitterness and lack of trust.

I will always advise anyone whose partner has addiction issues to distance themselves. Separate finances completely and be prepared to walk away, you cannot help someone who isn't willing to help them selves. Having said that, it doesn't mean you have to give up on them completely and not offe any support, but you really must put your self (and any children) first, for your own sanity and wellbeing. Addiction is soul destroying to live with.

YouJustDoYou · 12/08/2021 19:35

it depends. Separate money. They need to try and be doing something to tackle it. If they're doing nothing about it, just as with MH issues, then you need to make a decision whether to stay and put up.with it or leave them for both your sakes.

Treetops73 · 12/08/2021 19:49

@fancyaflatwhite
@LeisureSuitLarry

Im sorry you are having to deal with this.

It is incredibly hard being with an addict. The non-addict in the relationship has to work harder and bear far greater responsibility - and that is exhausting and corrosive.

It’s a cliche but it’s true; you can’t change someone. What you MUST do is protect yourself and your children. When your partner is unable or unwilling to do it, that falls to you as the steady and responsible adult. As hard as it might seem, the healthiest thing to do might be to leave the relationship, especially if the person is not being proactive in fighting their addiction.

I was married to a gambling addict (I only learned this a year into our marriage).

Without going into all the details of what happened, over the next few years the dynamic in our relationship changed. He ceased to be an equal partner in the relationship, and so I ended up taking an almost parental role. I found myself watching him like a hawk, and constantly worrying that he was running up further debts (despite a range of measures in place to prevent this).

In the end I divorced him. His lies and deception eroded my love for him. I felt alone in the relationship. I was working hard to create a secure future for us and the family we both dreamed of having; his actions seemed intent on destroying it. I knew I couldn’t rely upon him to make good decisions for our future, and I couldn’t police his behaviour forever. I didn’t want to rest of my life to be like that.

Good luck to you both 💐

Treetops73 · 12/08/2021 19:54

@HappyDisposition

How do you find it in you to remain supportive over the years?
I couldn't. I tried and tried and tried when he first admitted there were issues. I found charities to offer him support, counselling, meetings, my own counselling. You name it, I did it. But exDP was so half arsed about every possible avenue it was impossible to remain supportive

This rings true for me as well.

💐 for you.

Christinayangtwistedsister · 12/08/2021 19:57

You decide your boundaries , you put them in place and you stick to them

Your job isn't to help him but to save you and your children

LeisureSuitLarry · 12/08/2021 20:00

@fancyaflatwhite. She's been to AA and CA but never stuck with it.

We tried counselling once. As we pulled up outside the counsellors house, she said we can't talk about drugs, the counsellor will have a duty of care to report us to social services and we will be fucked (wife is a psychiatric nurse and has serious involvement in child protection cases, so knows what she's talking about). We had to go in and make it all about her drinking too much which only tells half the story. Felt like a huge waste of time when we had to keep secrets from the counsellor.

Funnylittlefloozie · 12/08/2021 20:13

If he isn't willing to help himself, how are you meant to help him? I lived with my exH and his drink problem for two decades. It utterly ruined my life in that time. I split up with him six years ago, and I've never been happier, or better off, because he's not spending every spare penny on lager.

IS0D0RA · 12/08/2021 21:13

@RantyAunty

You don't. You gather up every bit of courage and you leave. Being a child of an addict is a living hell.

This. You start putting your kids and yourself first.

LeisureSuitLarry · 12/08/2021 21:45

I don't know how I could ever leave. I have mountains of evidence in WhatsApp messages, but what if a judge rules that I am sole carer, but only until my wife gets clean. Then once clean, she takes over as main parent. She is already main carer I suppose on paper, since she works 30 hours to my 37.5. Could this realistically happen? My two boys love us both dearly, but I know that forced to make a choice, they would pick their mum over me. I'd much prefer to be there to bring normality to their lives, rather than ending up with every other weekend custody or something equally shit while they're left spending most of their time with an alcoholic cocaine addict who spends a huge amount of her time either high, pissed, hungover or asleep.

Littlemissweepy · 12/08/2021 22:07

I clung on for 8 years, supporting, forgiving, covering up, helping, getting angry, withholding affection, pleading, putting my friendships and work on the line by avoiding leaving him alone as much as possible, paying off debts, restricting his access to money, bailing him out…. Endless shit

Futile. We’re divorced now.

Getbehindme · 13/08/2021 07:43

@LeisureSuitLarry

I don't know how I could ever leave. I have mountains of evidence in WhatsApp messages, but what if a judge rules that I am sole carer, but only until my wife gets clean. Then once clean, she takes over as main parent. She is already main carer I suppose on paper, since she works 30 hours to my 37.5. Could this realistically happen? My two boys love us both dearly, but I know that forced to make a choice, they would pick their mum over me. I'd much prefer to be there to bring normality to their lives, rather than ending up with every other weekend custody or something equally shit while they're left spending most of their time with an alcoholic cocaine addict who spends a huge amount of her time either high, pissed, hungover or asleep.

I think you need to get some proper advice, but if this was a 'normal' split up, why wouldn't you be sharing contact with your kids 50/50?

If the kids are older, they may have more of a say, but if younger I think you need to get them out of this situation and keep them safe (if that is the right thing in your situation - only you know that), if your wife manages to go into and stay in recovery then work towards 50/50.

fatboyslimschin · 13/08/2021 08:08

I havnt experienced it but I have two unrelated friends who have.

Friend ones DH had a cocaine addiction. When she found out the only option for him was to go to rehab and then join AA and a drug addition group, he also had counselling or to leave. To be fair he totally smashed it and they are doing amazing as a family. I really take my hat off to them all. He still attends the groups despite being 'clean' for three years. this will be a life long effort for him. They are both really good friends of mine. There is no shame to be felt and he will talk about it freely.

Friend two DH has a weed addiction, still spends all his money on it, doesn't give her enough money to help towards the bills, does fuck all with kids, she is on the verge of a nervous breakdown and hasn't got the strength to leave him - yet. He also got pulled for drug driving and she had to ferry him around for a year and he lost his job due to not driving.

If people want to change for their wives/husbands and kids they will absolutely do so. There is so much good support out there for addicts, even 247 hour online groups they can just jump on to to talk to people going through the exact same thing at that exact moment.

After seeing how both friends have dealt with this I know one is actually an enabler (even though she is miserable and deeply unhappy) and one gave her DH clear boundaries that she was not will to breach.

OP, you don't have to put up with this or 'save' him'.

Original poster

fancyaflatwhite · 13/08/2021 19:11

@fatboyslimschin

Interesting to hear your friends' different approaches.

To be fair to my DP, he is very hands on with the kids and house, and works F/t and is attending support groups and having counselling and has agreed to couples counselling.

I'm exhausted atm and flip between remaining hopeful and feeling like giving up

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whereiscaroline · 13/08/2021 19:34

I'm only a year into discovering DP's addiction but I've created distance. We don't live together; I'm lucky that I have the means to be financially independent.

I'd be lying if I said it didn't sometimes grate on me that I am now supporting him indirectly though whilst he pays off his gambling debts. I am paying for all holidays, days out etc in the meantime as every penny of his is going on his debt. It is exhausting and every so often I daydream about having someone to treat me, someone who was financially responsible, and who I wouldn't need to worry was gambling again. But then, they wouldn't be DP. He hasn't relapsed and I'm just hoping our lives will be very happy again once all his debt has gone.

layladomino · 13/08/2021 19:43

You can't do anything except look after yourself and your children. And that might mean leaving the relationship before you are all dragged down with him I'm afraid. It will make you ill in the end, and one day your children may ask why you hung around so long.

So sorry it sounds harsh, but have been there and seen it many times.

Littlemissweepy · 13/08/2021 20:40

All respect due but this is anecdotal.

After seeing how both friends have dealt with this I know one is actually an enabler (even though she is miserable and deeply unhappy) and one gave her DH clear boundaries that she was not will to breach.

It is not your fault and you will not be the one that will define the success or otherwise of your DPs recovery. I tried clear boundaries, countless times, addiction doesn’t work like that in most cases.

Lostboysbiggestfan · 14/08/2021 22:17

I have been watching this post with interest. It seems from people's advice that there is no Happy ending, Noone seems to be able to say that despite all the forgiving, support, help, tears, world On a stick these addicts are recovering.
My dh is an addict and like the poster I display all the same emotions and habits and I'm tired. I'm tired and broke.
I'd like to know what triggered people to make that jump of leaving or chucking them out?
I've always drawn lines in the sand and said that if they did that, then that would be it we are done. But the remorse, the tears, draws u in and you end up in a never ending cycle.
Just for the record, I am not a weak woman, I too hold down a ft stressful job, have kids etc so what is it that stops us from prioritising ourselves? Our happiness? Kids happiness? Just outright fear of letting go, of not being enough of a carrot that they want to stop? Just seems futile and delaying the enivtable doesn't it?