Do you think abusive men care about the impact they have on women and children?

[Redlorryellow]

Ben wondering this. I was in an abusive relationship when my dc was small (with her dad, he’s no longer on scene). He was emotionally and verbally controlling and abusive to me and in front of her for a long time, even if we were distressed he couldn’t control his temper and sulking and flouncing. He was well respected in his job, from a fairly “nice” family and would never have seen himself as an abuser, or someone who was causing a lot of upset and damage to his partner and child. But he just couldn’t stop, which is why I left.
I’ve read Lundy Bancroft and I do understand that abusers are very ingrained into their behaviours but do they feel any guilt about the impact on developing kids? Do they not have any remorse or empathy? There were times I was crying (sometimes in public) in front of my partner just completely broken, or times he would stonewall me and small dc, I even got stress related health issues from our relationship which still affect me today. I jsut wonder if he feels any remorse at all, either now or at the time. I know it doesn’t really matter because it doesn’t change what happened and dc is (I think) fine now. But I just wonder if he even could see how destructive he was, or just didn’t care.

My father was abusive. Not sexually, but verbally. I was told he would kick my ribs in if I didn't behave. He set my hair on fire when I was six, for 'being cheeky'. He told me I was 'trying to be, and can't', called me a tw*t, a nothing, and told me I was not entitled to feelings or moods.

One summer holiday, I wanted to watch something on TV - he had taken two weeks off work and watched wall to wall cricket all day every day. He had a tantrum, said that he had bloody well paid for the TV and he was bloody well going to watch whatever he liked on it. Nobody else had any rights. He unplugged the TV and took it upstairs to bed, got in bed and lazed in there watching cricket all day. This was in the 1980s when people didn't have a TV in every room in the house.

He's dead and gone now, but he had no idea what he was doing was wrong, I don't think. I don't actually think he even analysed it. He just thought he was right.

They're protecting the child from the mother and the mother from herself, or that's the self serving crap they tell themselves and others anyway.

They refuse to see that their behaviour is harmful to others as they consider themselves to be a "good bloke" and good guys don't do bad things, therefore they cant have done bad things, and that's that.

It's all "for the family", and anything which simply can't be explained away with that nonsense was obviously "her fault" for "driving him to it".

Tldr: he's an arsehole being an arsehole.

I was going to say no. But everyone got there first.🤷‍♀️

My abusive ex would go on about how abusive his dad was and what a horrible father he was while he was around. He's in complete denial about what a shit dad he is to our DC and thinks I was abusive to him He's a terrible narcissist.

The character assassination and rewriting is a common thing with them.

What I found astounding (after we'd split up) was how many people believed his lies. People who I thought knew me turned their back on me, literally. He told all the lies about me. They've all copped on now, but it was really shit at the time.

I think he's told all the lies about me, but then I hear something else. 🙄

You need to have empathy to care about how your actions affect others.

You cannot have empathy when you abuse someone or you wouldn’t do so.

What I find sad is that someone else is now being abused by him and there's another child in the mix. I can see that everything in that relationship is the same. He hasn't changed at all, not that I expected him to.

They can control their temper. They just choose not to. And then blame women for making them like that/driving them crazy/they just love you so much that you drive them wild/they thought they were going to lose you...it's always for the best with abusers that they're no longer on the scene so well done for removing him from your life it will stop him doing further damage

Have you ever made your child cry while disciplining them? Even something like taking a dangerous item away from a toddler often upsets them. Generally this happens sometimes, and while you might feel bad about it, you also know that it's important for them to learn right from wrong or be protected from harm, and unless you feel you made a misjudgement, generally you don't worry that you've caused them harm or suffering.

I believe this is how abusive men see the reactions of their victims -possibly momentarily upsetting but ultimately something they had to do or were justified in doing, so not harmful as such.

I think some will care. For many it's deliberate premeditated behavior but for others it's learned behaviour internalised from their upbringing and I don't think they're fully conscious of what they're doing and will often be in denial/defense mode at the time before softening later on/feeling guilty. That possibly sounds like I'm excusing/minimising I'm certainly not, it's just having been in such a situation personally and also being raised in one I have seen genuine remorse later on in my father's case. I still haven't forgiven and remain NC but in some cases I do think some (definitely not the majority) of these people care.

From my experience no. My last ex was emotionally abusive, had been married 3 times and of course constantly came out with the 'crazy ex' stories, not realising he was the common denominator. People like him lack the self awareness to know what they are really like, yet it's sickening how some of them are in jobs helping people like my ex (he's a hypnotherapist).
A lot of men like this are also great at creating a public image that is totally different to who they are behind closed doors. Anyone to see my ex's Facebook page with his 'kindness is my religion ' b.s would never see the abusive piece of crap he really is

The abusive person I knew does not feel remorse.

There were times I would call them out in their behaviour and another time I was in tears because of the way they treated me, but there was a surely zero empathy from them. Everyone something came up, they would just blameshift or gaslight to avoid accountability for their behaviour.
If I was trying to go no contact with them, they would just email fauxpologies but it would be they are sad they couldn't see me again rather than sorry fir the damage they had caused.

Abusers do not feel remorse because they think they have a right to abuse you. They do not see people as human but as things to be played with and discarded when they're bored.

I think this is like saying 'Do you think abusive men like yoghurt?' Some do, some don't. Some will beat themselves up mercilessly after every time they lose control, and it will trigger even lower self esteem, and make them do it again. Some won't give a crap. Some won't care until their kids are adults and won't let them see their grandchildren.

Trying to understand an abuser is not a healthy mindset, because it's a fruitless path; if you were able to understand an abuser, you'd be able to consider abusing as an option for yourself, given the right circumstances, and nobody with a healthy mindset will want to get closer to being that person. To get closer to thinking 'Oh, I see; now I understand why he would abuse me, it all suddenly makes sense.'

A healthier approach is to see that there is no sense in it, and stop occupying your time with trying to figure him out. Accept that you don't want to know why he did things he did, and come to the point where you don't care why. Until then, you're still in the grip of the abuse, and every moment you spend posting on forums and mulling over why he did what he did and how he felt about it and how he might feel about it now and whether he's doing it again now and whether he'll change and become the perfect guy for somebody and whether that means that the abuse was something that you could have changed by behaving differently etc etc ad nauseam... well, do you see what a waste it is of your time and energy? You could be using that time and energy on new projects for yourself, or on your children.

The best answer you will ever get to your question is 'maybe'. And even if he told you himself about how he felt, you wouldn't be able to believe him because he's an abuser and it could be part of some manipulation tactic. Many of the use the 'I feel so guilty, I'll never do that again' trick. Accept this 'maybe' in your life, and concentrate on moving your thoughts over to more valuable things.