Do you think abusive men care about the impact they have on women and children?

[Redlorryellow]

Ben wondering this. I was in an abusive relationship when my dc was small (with her dad, he’s no longer on scene). He was emotionally and verbally controlling and abusive to me and in front of her for a long time, even if we were distressed he couldn’t control his temper and sulking and flouncing. He was well respected in his job, from a fairly “nice” family and would never have seen himself as an abuser, or someone who was causing a lot of upset and damage to his partner and child. But he just couldn’t stop, which is why I left.
I’ve read Lundy Bancroft and I do understand that abusers are very ingrained into their behaviours but do they feel any guilt about the impact on developing kids? Do they not have any remorse or empathy? There were times I was crying (sometimes in public) in front of my partner just completely broken, or times he would stonewall me and small dc, I even got stress related health issues from our relationship which still affect me today. I jsut wonder if he feels any remorse at all, either now or at the time. I know it doesn’t really matter because it doesn’t change what happened and dc is (I think) fine now. But I just wonder if he even could see how destructive he was, or just didn’t care.

No, because they don’t recognise their behaviour as abusive or destructive or damaging.

All the abusive men I've known had a massive victim/ persecution complex so I would say no.
Far too busy feeling sorry for themselves to give a single thought to how they impact others.

Yes I think most do care. Not in a good way but because they deliberately abuse to make the other person feel worthless, terrified, hopeless, etc. Some even get pleasure out of it. So yes they care very much about abusing, because it gives them satisfaction.

Some don’t care, agree with PP but i can’t agree that most are oblivious innocent lambs who have no idea what harm they are causing. They know and they feed off the control.

No. Its deliberate you know. They just don't want you to know its deliberate.

Some of them aim to make you insecure. Others actually are sadistic and want to hurt you because of the pleasure it brings them pleasure. Either way, there is intention to bring you down in some way. That's not the behaviour if someone who cares about you.

The only feeling they have about things is anger that you got away. And regret that they did not do a better job of manipulating and controlling you into staying.

As Plan say - they care. It's important to them which is why they abuse.

Do they feel guilty about it, which is probably nearer to what you mean
? then no they don't feel guilty.

They don't recognise it nor do they care. If they ever give it a second thought, they minimise it and blame their behaviour on everyone else.

No

I think they can feel regret in the sense that it's regrettable my wife and children are upset but the absolute entitlement will see their behaviour as completely justified and therefore feel no remorse and they accept that the collateral damage of destroying those around them is acceptable.

A bit like how if someone broke into my house, I might hurt them in self defence. I might be sad that I hurt them but think of it as a justified action to protect myself and they shouldn't have tried to enter my home.

I think a lot of abusive men have such sensitivity to perceived threat all they do is attack. You said the wrong thing, weren't in the right place, kids aren't doing what they are told, all perceived threats to the idea of who they think they are, what they think they deserve and what control they think they have. They attack again and again and can see your hurt but it was your fault and nothing to do with them.

No. Not at all.

No, I doubt it, certainly not in the case of my abusive ex, that’s for sure!

I think that people who abuse may care to a certain degree, sometimes. But they don't recognise the people they abuse as real people, in the way that they are 'real', if you know what I mean. With equally valid thoughts, feelings, experiences, desires and needs. The main significance of the people they abuse is in relation to themselves. So if they 'care', it's inevitably in a rather self absorbed way, in so far as it makes them feel bad/guilty/anxious/concerned about how they will be perceived by others. It's not about the other person as a real, complete person in their own right.

They don’t care because they always think they’re right.

If there's addiction or MH sometimes they can get treatment and change a small amount and feel guilt and regret.

But IME (30 years) even addicted men don't change that much.

Of course not. They abuse because they feel entitled to do so and have justified it to themselves. If they cared, they wouldn't do it.

No. They choose to abuse. And there is no excuse for abuse. Ever.

I inherited my grandmother's papers including a letter my grandfather wrote her when she was in hospital. He was apologising for the argument they had had (I know he regularly put her in hospital) and begging her not to leave him. There's a whole piece on my dad, how wonderful he was and how they shouldn't ruin his future. But it was very much presented as my grandmother's choice - her leaving would ruin my dad's future. Fortunately my granny left anyway. His youngest daughter (who's mum did stay) once challenged him on the impact he had on his children. He was a bit sad about it but didn't take responsibility at all.

Thanks, a lot of truth here. Thinking about it, my own dad cheated on my mum for a long time and was controlling and emotionally very neglectful to all of us and even now, that all his kids have grown up and we have individually struggled to form healthy relationships or find our way in life since their hideous divorce, he still takes zero responsibility for it all. It’s like he feels we should have all absorbed that stuff, and/or my mum didn’t do a good job with us. He has zero remorse.

My BIL has cheated on 10+ women throughout the time I have been married to dh (20 years). At least three of them had children (not with him, luckily for them). But he has been an utter wicked bastard to all these women and children and he gives zero fucks about any of it. In fact if he was challenged, as he was by my PILs who were decent people, he just says the problems were due to the women and the children. He's an utter shit and I feel sorry for his current partner. She, however, knowingly started shagging him whilst he was engaged to the last one so my sympathy for her is a bit more limited.

Can't speak for anyone else but mine was only ever concerned or upset when other people knew about it.

No. They may be unhappy about the consequences of their behaviour and try to regain the trust of their victims so that they continue to have the benefit of those family relationships (including the benefit of being able to commit further abuse) but I would advise not holding on to any hope of genuine remorse from the perpetrator.

No not at all. They'd never see themselves as abusive.
They don't see women and children as people.

No, they believe they're victims in the situation and that the person(s) they're abusing are the catalyst.

There's a lot of useful.insight o.to abusers in the lundy bancrifg book, he identifies their entitlement and their value system.

Stacey Dooley did a documentary on domestic violence against women and interviewes a recurrent offender, in Russia I think, abd he described his desire for control/domination, and his utter self righteousness/feeling of righteousness when he was abusing his partners.

I suppose that righteousness goes back to the values system Bancroft identifies.
To how they see women, as posters above have said.

All those things make ot pretty much impossible for an abuser to feel.theyre wrong or to feel sorry.

As posters have said, they truly believe, or convince themselves that it is the fault of the women.

Also, as mentioned above, they only really seem concerned of they think others might find out about it.

I was in a relationship with an abuser, I have no doubt that to this day he mostly blames me for his behaviour, and/or minimises it.
This is demonstrated by his attitude towards his exes too.
His minimisation was well in force during the relationship; he was just "fiery" but there was no real harm in him etc.

When we finished, I was crying- upset, sad, emotionsl avnd wondering if I was doing the right thing..... he started saying (and repeated it several times) "don't bad mouth me and I won't bad mouth you; ok".
His focus was on being exposed/his reputation etc.
Notably, I found out later that he's been bad mouthing me even before we finished and after we finished I had very weird attitudes from two mutual acquaintances whom i can only presume he spoke to. The character assassination and rewriting is a common thing with them; also goes to show they never acknowledge they're wrong or really feel sorry.

The only thing they care about is themselves, and how they are perceived by the outside world.

When I have miscarrying what would have been our DC3, my EXDP ignored me throughout, other than to tell me I was lazy (for staying in bed for 3 days, while the failed pregnancy exited my body) and to ask when he would get his lie-in. He never once even made me a cup of tea or meal during that time, I had to look after myself entirely.

Towards the end, he offered to "suspend hostilities" and drive me to the D&C which I was due to have under GA. When I refused on the basis that I'd rather a family member who actually cared about me accompany me, his response was rage that "I was making him look bad".

Bits in quotations are the actual words he used.

The character assassination and rewriting is a common thing with them

I recognise this behaviour completely.