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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To marry or not

36 replies

courtrai · 11/08/2021 16:00

My DP and I have been together 2 years. On the whole things are good. I'm 43 divorced with DC 18 & 16 with whom he has good relationship on the whole. He's 47 and legally divorced although financial settlement is dragging on due to complex finances

I've always been clear that it is important to me to be married. I crave the security and perceived permanency that goes with marriage. I realise this is somewhat contradictory given previous divorce but that's my opinion. Until now he has agreed. However last weekend he told me it wasn't important to him and he didn't think it necessary. This has floored me

When we were first together, unbeknownst to me he was continuing to date and pursue other women. I have found it hard to get over this even though we'd not pledged fidelity during early months. Hence I consider him committing to me even more pertinent as he knows how much this effected me

I know his divorce has been pretty horrific, but in a short lived very volatile relationship before he met me when he made lots of noises about commitment, children, her giving up work etc. I feel like I'm not worthy of such commitment from him. I now have Hobson's choice - he doesn't want marriage and I don't want to force him to propose when that's not in his plan (I'm wise enough to know that wouldn't end well).

My intention was to find someone to grow old with and now I feel like the rug has been pulled. What would you do?

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 11/08/2021 16:04

Oh god, he's no good for you, OP! Seriously, you can do so much better than this.

He was cheating on you - he didn't tell you he was seeing others, did he? He kept quiet in the hope you wouldn't find out and that you wouldn't go out with other men.

Set yourself free.

Original poster
courtrai · 11/08/2021 16:07

@HollowTalk

Oh god, he's no good for you, OP! Seriously, you can do so much better than this.

He was cheating on you - he didn't tell you he was seeing others, did he? He kept quiet in the hope you wouldn't find out and that you wouldn't go out with other men.

Set yourself free.

Thanks - I'm thinking this is the right decision. I'd rather it be over sooner than invest more time into something that isn't going to give me what I want
OP posts:
YouJustDoYou · 11/08/2021 16:09

Op, these men "make noise" about marriage to reel in the fish.

Original poster
courtrai · 11/08/2021 16:11

@YouJustDoYou

Op, these men "make noise" about marriage to reel in the fish.
I'm thinking this is the truth
OP posts:
Girlintheframe · 11/08/2021 16:11

I wouldn't say he was cheating on you if you hadn't had the chat about exclusivity if I'm honest.
However if marriage is that important to you and he doesn't want to commit then you are better to move on.

SarahBellam · 11/08/2021 16:11

Cut your losses and move on. He can’t give you what you want.

2021mumma · 11/08/2021 16:13

The fact you have had to ask this question on here shows you have doubts. When you marry there should be no doubts.

Trust your gut and move on.

Reallyreallyborednow · 11/08/2021 16:15

Do you have your own house and assets? Financially independent?

If so, don’t get married.

Original poster
courtrai · 11/08/2021 16:16

@Reallyreallyborednow

Do you have your own house and assets? Financially independent?

If so, don’t get married.

Yes - well in rented currently but employed and with savings so I'm not dependent
OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 11/08/2021 16:18

He has disaster written all over him. Get rid.

Candyfloss99 · 11/08/2021 16:18

Don't get married to someone who has messy finances with their ex. It would be a big mistake.

Sillawithans · 11/08/2021 16:19

I can see why he wouldn't want to marry again to be honest.

Original poster
courtrai · 11/08/2021 16:20

Thank for rational perspective. I've been feeling like a marriage obsessed bunny-boiler all day and my head's swimming with everything. I really do appreciate it x

OP posts:
VodselForDinner · 11/08/2021 16:21

I’m a bit advocate of marriage and the legal and financially security that it can mean when things so belly-up, especially where the woman’s career and pension have taken the hit due to having children.

In your situation I wouldn’t marry anybody. I would stay legally and financially separate and ensure that my estate was 100% left for my children to inherit.

ShitShop · 11/08/2021 16:28

Would you be better off married? How are you both doing financially? Debts, Pensions, future earning potential etc?

What I’m getting at is that sometimes marriage - especially second time around - doesn’t actually benefit you at all. It would be good to be clear about the benefits and also the downside of marrying him, just for your own peace of mind. Of course there’s the ‘prestige’ of being a married and it’s totally understandable for you to want that. But what else would you and he gain or lose?

FWIW I’m in a similar position with my DP of 10 years - being ‘boyfriend and girlfriend’ at the age of 40+ after 10 years together sucks.

I always thought we weren’t married because of logistics with the DCs etc but his brother has recently divorced and hearing his take on the split of assets and his general attitude to his STBX SIL was quite an eye opener. I’m beginning to think he doesn’t want marriage at all, but as it hasn’t been a pressing concern I’m just going with it for now. At some point the issue will come to a head because I won’t live with a man I’m not married to. I can’t invest emotionally or financially in a relationship that could leave me high and dry when I’m older.

I’d be expecting my husband to make sure I’m taken care off if he died, whereas he would be wanting to leave it all to his children and I’d be worried I’d end up out on my ear, with nothing to show for it. In which case I’m better off building a good single life of my own, with him as a nice add-on!

I would like the family party and a celebration of us as a couple that a wedding would provide, but I can see why he doesn’t feel the need for that validation like I do. And he doesn’t feel the need for the security that marriage could bring me, as he has a good pension and investments etc that will set him up for the future.

I really think the way ahead is to be financially and emotionally secure on your own, as hard as it feels now. I’m working on it but it’s frustrating starting from scratch after divorce and trying to get myself into a position where I can be self sufficient.

How are your prospects looking as a single woman?

Original poster
courtrai · 11/08/2021 16:32

Prospects are good. I've a decent job and managed ok on my own before him. I understand fully that he doesn't want the expense and stress of a second divorce if we married and it went tits up. However given he will have no DC's and the bulk of his and my assets were acquired prior to our relationship I don't see that these would even be a factor in any divorce. As such I can only conclude he's stalling and this has been little more than a stop gap

OP posts:
Plumtree391 · 11/08/2021 16:34

It sounds to me like he is backing out, maybe you could do that first, op.

Original poster
courtrai · 11/08/2021 16:35

@courtrai

Prospects are good. I've a decent job and managed ok on my own before him. I understand fully that he doesn't want the expense and stress of a second divorce if we married and it went tits up. However given he will have no DC's and the bulk of his and my assets were acquired prior to our relationship I don't see that these would even be a factor in any divorce. As such I can only conclude he's stalling and this has been little more than a stop gap
Sorry that should read - given WE have no DC's as such he's not be liable fir any maintenance or financial contribution
OP posts:
Original poster
courtrai · 11/08/2021 17:25

Well I've had that convo and it went as well as could be expected. He's in denial and says he just isn't ready yet and didn't mean never.... To be fair there's been a fair few empty promises to date and quite frankly I'm too old and jaded for this shit.

OP posts:
mouldyjam · 11/08/2021 17:34

Why do you want to marry so much? I never get this on here.

user16395699 · 11/08/2021 17:42

Marriage isn't a magic fix for issues in a relationship - or for issues with your self-esteem.

I don't think it would hurt for you to re-evaluate what it is you're trying to use marriage to fix within yourself, because I haven't read anything from you that's about wanting to marry because it is a contract that will enrich or benefit your life rather than as a sticking plaster for your emotional and relationship issues.

cheeseismydownfall · 11/08/2021 17:44

I would stay legally and financially separate and ensure that my estate was 100% left for my children to inherit.

This with bells on.

cheeseismydownfall · 11/08/2021 17:46

However given he will have no DC's and the bulk of his and my assets were acquired prior to our relationship I don't see that these would even be a factor in any divorce.

Is this based on qualified, personal legal advice? Or just your assumption? Because I'm not at all sure you are correct.

layladomino · 11/08/2021 17:49

Good for you @courtrai

The fact is that you want marriage, and he said he did. Now he's changed his mind. He is of course entitled to change his mind, but so are you. So if marriage is off the table for him then you're right to move on.

He's now saying he didn't say never, but that reeks of a u-turn as he didn't expect you to say you were leaving. I'd put money on if yuo stay together he'll keep putting back the decision until it never happens anad you're full of resentment and wished you'd left sooner.

Re his change of mind - can he explain why he said he was up for it and now isn't? So far he's said it's because marriage isn't important, but did he say that when you originally discussed it?

Whatever his reason - whether he lied to start with, just doesn't like the idea of marriage, isn't sure about your relationship - whichever reason it is, he's probably not right for you, as he's either lied or isn't sure about you.

You've mentioned there's been other stuff too, so it isn't like this is the only concern you have.

Plumtree391 · 11/08/2021 17:51

@Sillawithans

I can see why he wouldn't want to marry again to be honest.
So can I but he should have been honest about it from the start, or maybe he changed his mind/got cold feet, in which case they could have discussed it. He has always known it is important to the op and honesty is the least he owes her.
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