To marry or not

[courtrai]

My DP and I have been together 2 years. On the whole things are good. I'm 43 divorced with DC 18 & 16 with whom he has good relationship on the whole. He's 47 and legally divorced although financial settlement is dragging on due to complex finances

I've always been clear that it is important to me to be married. I crave the security and perceived permanency that goes with marriage. I realise this is somewhat contradictory given previous divorce but that's my opinion. Until now he has agreed. However last weekend he told me it wasn't important to him and he didn't think it necessary. This has floored me

When we were first together, unbeknownst to me he was continuing to date and pursue other women. I have found it hard to get over this even though we'd not pledged fidelity during early months. Hence I consider him committing to me even more pertinent as he knows how much this effected me

I know his divorce has been pretty horrific, but in a short lived very volatile relationship before he met me when he made lots of noises about commitment, children, her giving up work etc. I feel like I'm not worthy of such commitment from him. I now have Hobson's choice - he doesn't want marriage and I don't want to force him to propose when that's not in his plan (I'm wise enough to know that wouldn't end well).

My intention was to find someone to grow old with and now I feel like the rug has been pulled. What would you do?

I can see where he's coming from. The ink isn't even dry on his divorce papers.....I am imagining the divorce is messy and long because they don't agree, so he's obviously upset bu the result. And here you are asking him to get into another situation which could end like the one he's in.

Yes - you are probably right that it won't because circumstances are very different. But he can't see the wood for the trees.

If you really love him and believe you are meant to be together give him time to finalise one divorce, get over the divorce and then to think about what next before talking marriage.

If you don't think he's the one then you can move on.

I don't see that these would even be a factor in any divorce

You need to also consider death, not just divorce.

Imagine you take your savings and use it as part of a deposit on a shared home when you’re married. You have a long and happy marriage but you die. The house is now entirely his. He can sell it. He can move another woman in. He can even marry her and she might go on to inherit it. Ultimately, the savings you have will not benefit your children.

Sure, there’s a million other things that could happen, but look at the worst case scenario and work backwards from there.

Protect your children. Protect your savings. Invest in assets that will benefit you in your older years, and your children when you’re gone.

What’s he like with money now? Even if your finances are separate, is he fair or is he eating steak and driving nice cats while you’re eating toast and running for the bus?

You have doubts- listen to them. Empty promises are big red flags.

To be honest if he had met you and you clicked he would not have wanted to date other women in my opinion. He’s a mature man not a kid on Tinder. Sorry but you deserve more. He’s reeled you in and had no intentions of marrying you. It’s hard but I would let him go and find someone who adores you and shares your values.

I would leave him. Today tbh. I once tried to convince myself I was happy just living together. So glad I left him and actually got married and have the children I doubt he would have wanted. No man is worth giving up something that is important to you. There isn't just one person for each of us.

I'm on pretty safe ground in terms of finances/inheritance. He earns significantly more than me and has large business assets. I in turn have a shareholding in family business. Some time ago it was agreed that both of us would be pre-nupping (?) existing assets before any marriage to protect our respective family's position.

So we have actually discussed logistics of this before - hence my surprise and shock this weekend

Could you please explain the complex finances? Is either party being difficult? This would also be a worrying factor for me.

@TacCat49

Could you please explain the complex finances? Is either party being difficult? This would also be a worrying factor for me.

It's due to his ex's refusal to engage with proceedings. Each step has had to be by way of court order - disclosure, house sale, financial negotiations etc. This has been further delayed by courts closing due to covid. There's nothing underhand there

That's a great post from Mumdiva99

He's going through a very difficult divorce.
I'm not surprised he's wary now.

Give him a period of time post divorce if you think he really is the one for you.
Set a realistic time limit ( for him and for you ).

Be very wary.

Listen to your gut.

From what you have written about him, he's not a good bet.

@courtrai "I'm on pretty safe ground in terms of finances/inheritance. He earns significantly more than me and has large business assets. "

I'm afraid many many men in these circumstances are extremely reluctant to ever marry again after having a financial pummelling from divorce one!

Whilst you can have a pre-nup, they can become less relevant over time and it doesn't stop a judge overruling it. There is also still the cost of getting divorced etc as he is finding out now.

I'm afraid if I was in his position..I wouldn't marry again either

His marriage financial settlement is not finalised

So it sounds like, he is not actually free to marry you yet