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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Anyone who has had a child alone by a donor?

59 replies

Unhappt · 11/08/2021 14:58

I was going to NC but no point hiding the fact that this question is related to my other post which is about the breakdown of my relationship. I’m not in a good place so won’t be doing this anytime soon but I am worried about being single at my age and want to at least feel I have some control by looking into this as an option.

I have never ever wanted to have a child alone like this. I have absolutely had it with relationships though. I can’t face dating again and I am now late 30s. I feel like this is an alternative to a life I have craved - just without the partner to share it with.

Is it lonely? I would have some limited family support but I mean lonely in the sense of moments when they grow up or making decisions alone like which school etc?

I worry that the child would feel different or isolated. In the UK are they allowed to know who the father is?

What is it like being on your own and pregnant and having the child handed to you with nobody to share it with? All these things worry me.

I’m so sad this hasn’t worked out in the way I hoped but realistically I can’t just force it in a new relationship and I would love a family so much.

OP posts:
brittleheadgirl · 15/08/2021 06:59

@Smudgingpastels

It is massively selfish to want a child knowing full well it will psychologically damage them. Good Dads are hugely important in a child's life so to knowingly deprive them of half of their support network in life is cruel and heartless. Identity is hugely important. It's what we base ourselves on. Children all need kind and loving daddies in their lives, it's one of the most special human bonds that exists.

You know this.

It really isn't.

Yes, there are some great Dads out there but there are also some truly awful ones, plus a staggering amount of absent or barely present ones!

It's absolute nonsense that you can't raise a happy and secure child without a Dad.
What an utterly naive and cruel thing to say.
I just bloody hope that my friend who's husband died when their dc were young hasn't read your awful post.

pinkyredrose · 15/08/2021 08:27

It's not just about having a dad. It's about knowing where you come from, knowing your background and forming your identity.

FatAnkles · 15/08/2021 08:43

Fostering is bloody hard work. My cousin and her husband are childless and were foster carers for a while, but it completely burned them out.

Adoption is always suggested to single people as an option but I agree with pp, you have to be incredibly strong and prepared for children who have had a tough start in life. Children are often toddlers or primary age by the time they get adopted, so they have already been through quite a bit.

Kids don't need a biological dad to be present. I see kids do very well just with a positive male role model like an uncle or grandad in their lives. I always remember Ian Wright saying the most positive role model in his life was his male teacher.

Persipan · 15/08/2021 09:03

Well, there's certainly a lot to unpick in this thread.

To the 'just adopt' crowd: adoption is a system for finding families for children who need them, not a system for handing out children to families who want them. Yes, of course the adoptive parents do want them, but it's a very different form of parenting to support children who have been through a lot and whose needs should rightly be central to that process. Not everyone will be able to do it, either practically or emotionally. It's something you should only take on if you feel called to that specific task. Children in care are not a consolation prize, and neither are infertile people or single people or same-sex couples. Suggesting otherwise does everyone a disservice. (Pearl-clutching about how much children need fathers and then suddenly not giving a crap about that for adopted children is a particularly nice touch, btw.)

To those suggesting that not having a father is inherently damaging: evidence-wise, the things that cause children significant problems as they progress through life are called 'Adverse Childhood Experiences'. Things like experiencing abuse, living with an addict, etc. Experiencing a combination of ACEs is potentially damaging. Only having one parent is not an ACE. Losing a parent who was previously part of your life - through abandonment or bereavement or an acrimonious split, for instance - is one (although, like I said, it's experiencing several that causes real difficulties), but being the child of a single parent (or any stable, loving combination of family) isn't inherently likely to damage a child.

Will a donor-conceived child sometimes have thoughts and feelings about their family and their origins? Yes, obviously. As will everyone else. Parents of donor-conceived children have typically thought carefully about these things, and stand prepared to assist their child with them. It's so weird to me that posters bring this stuff up every time. Usually under the banner of 'identity'. Like, do you not think about how you're going to support your children throughout their lives? It always comes across as this absolute confidence that there couldn't possibly be anything that children conceived through sex could ever question about their lives and origins and family structure which just seems... quite optimistic.

OP, it will not astonish you to learn that I am the single parent of a donor-conceived child. To answer some of your questions - no, I don't find it lonely, but then I realised I wasn't especially interested in a relationship, and I have friends and family members that I can share milestones with. If you go via a UK clinic, a donor-conceived child can access identifying information about their donor from age 18. Some people do choose informal arrangements eg with a friend of somebody wanting to coparent, so there are other options, but you should look carefully into the legalities.

I will also say, absolutely nobody in real life has ever reacted to my family in the weird judgemental way you'll see from some people when you post about these kinds of things on here. The real-life reactions I've encountered have all been positive and supportive. Check out the DCN, and come hang out in the donor conception boards on Mumsnet, to explore things a bit more. Good luck!

Smudgingpastels · 15/08/2021 09:56

For the posters who denigrate my post failed to see what I had explicitly written which is kind and loving and good dads, not those who are a waste of space obviously.

For those who have never had a fantastic daddy for your DC then you won't know what your DC have missed out on and of course that's fine but please do not think for one moment it's not hugely important.

Good dads are HUGELY important and you would have to completely lack empathy for your DC to think it isn't.

Persipan · 15/08/2021 10:15

@Smudgingpastels alongside describing me as cruel and heartless, you cited 'psychological damage' to my child. What's your evidence base for that? (Actual evidence, not just personal prejudice and 'you know this'...)

Smudgingpastels · 15/08/2021 10:33

Omg you don't have to distill the love from a great dad like a laboratory experiment!!!

It is just the greatest and most wonderful love possible and to deny any child that may well cause psychological damage/ impact as well as impacting that child's relationships with males throughout their lifetime, especially if those male role models are bad.

Women have a hugely important role to ensure fantastic male role models in their DC's lives if they don't have a decent father figure for them.

But the amazing bond between a fantastic daddy and his DC is one of the best human bonds in life possible and it is a shame that this HUGELY important male role would be brushed off as unimportant or not necessary just because YOU didn't experience it or don't think it's important.

Good men, their influence, their impact, their laughter, their fun, their love. It is the best thing in life and thinking it isn't important is too selfish for words. Going to bow out on that note, I am just sad if you haven't experienced it to know Flowers

ElderflowerRose · 15/08/2021 10:43

The point is that what children need is love and stability.

That is not denying that fathers can, do and frequently part of that. So are mothers, grandparents, and other family members like aunts.

If you have them. If you don’t, the love and stability is provided by the mother. Just as I would expect it to be provided by the father if the mother died (although interestingly this frequently isn’t the case.)

@Persipan has explained extremely clearly and very well about adverse childhood experiences.

If we take Child A, who suffers a bereavement (loss of the mother) that’s clearly a horrific ACE. But it’s largely negated if the father remains a constant and loving presence who guides the child through their grief.

Child B, who’s father falls apart and turns to alcohol and then introduces another woman who makes it clear Child B is unwelcome, so she starts to spend more and more time out of the home and falls prey to predatory men, is totally different.

Women who opt to have a child as a lone parent with a donor are overwhelmingly well educated, reasonably affluent (or at least stable) and able to offer a child a lot in terms of their upbringing.

The biggest marker for ACE is poverty - over and over we see it makes families more vulnerable to addiction, homelessness, abuse and instability in the family home. Interestingly, even poverty doesn’t statistically impact on a child much if the mother (not the father) has a degree.

Read between the lines, as it were.

Thanks for your post, Persipan. I wish you all the best with your child. Flowers

brittleheadgirl · 15/08/2021 16:13

@Smudgingpastels

Omg you don't have to distill the love from a great dad like a laboratory experiment!!!

It is just the greatest and most wonderful love possible and to deny any child that may well cause psychological damage/ impact as well as impacting that child's relationships with males throughout their lifetime, especially if those male role models are bad.

Women have a hugely important role to ensure fantastic male role models in their DC's lives if they don't have a decent father figure for them.

But the amazing bond between a fantastic daddy and his DC is one of the best human bonds in life possible and it is a shame that this HUGELY important male role would be brushed off as unimportant or not necessary just because YOU didn't experience it or don't think it's important.

Good men, their influence, their impact, their laughter, their fun, their love. It is the best thing in life and thinking it isn't important is too selfish for words. Going to bow out on that note, I am just sad if you haven't experienced it to know Flowers

Where did I say I hadn't experience an 'amazing Dad experience'? My Dad is absolutely wonderful and the most amazing father.

My own dc have a crappy father, who's barely been in their lives. They are happy, well adjusted and successful in life.
I and they, have never viewed their absent Dad as an issue, far from it and I'm finding your posts increasingly odd and almost uncomfortable to read Confused

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