Anyone who has had a child alone by a donor?

[Unhappt]

I was going to NC but no point hiding the fact that this question is related to my other post which is about the breakdown of my relationship. I’m not in a good place so won’t be doing this anytime soon but I am worried about being single at my age and want to at least feel I have some control by looking into this as an option.

I have never ever wanted to have a child alone like this. I have absolutely had it with relationships though. I can’t face dating again and I am now late 30s. I feel like this is an alternative to a life I have craved - just without the partner to share it with.

Is it lonely? I would have some limited family support but I mean lonely in the sense of moments when they grow up or making decisions alone like which school etc?

I worry that the child would feel different or isolated. In the UK are they allowed to know who the father is?

What is it like being on your own and pregnant and having the child handed to you with nobody to share it with? All these things worry me.

I’m so sad this hasn’t worked out in the way I hoped but realistically I can’t just force it in a new relationship and I would love a family so much.

I don't, but if you want to, do it. I'm not sure about the UK, but in other countries, many men online offer to be a donor and they online request petrol money. That method is probably preferable to a clinic.

I can answer some of your questions about being alone. Having a child handed to you alone isn't that different. Your focus is the baby, not who is with you. My son, I had alone. My daughter, she was a born with people present. Having a baby a baby alone saves the embarrassment. Making life choses is easier alone; nobody to argue it with.

@Mistyplanet

I dont think this is fair on the child. I would be pretty angry if I found out my dad had been a sperm donor. What will you do on fathers day at school when the kids are asked to write a card to their dads or we've had occasions when dad has been invited into school. I think its the wrong thing to do. Id consider adopting in your position.

Would you also find it problematic if same sex couples decided they want a family, as per your statement they'd be depriving their child of either a male or female equivalent parent?

The process around adoption is extremely complex, whether you are trying to adopt as single individual individual or not (pop over to the adoption board on MN for more information) and really ought not to be bandied about as a booby prize of some sort (for those who have apparently failed to obtain the hetero-normative status of a male and female partnerships). How would adoption solve the Op's issue of a 'lack of a man' she would still be single (and according to your views) would still be depriving her child of a father?

Why don't you adopt or foster?

I have a friend whose DH is infertile - they adopted one DC, and then had another using a sperm donor. Both DC are in their late teens, and the donor conceived DC has no problems with the situation, but the adopted DC has been much more complex to parent, and continues to be.

I would be very wary of people presenting adoption as the less problematic option for all concerned. I know other donor conceived DC with lesbian parents and they are all happy and thriving without a DF. Adoption these days seems to be a very challenging option - I actually think it is best suited to people who already have older DC.

@TheYearOfSmallThings

I have a friend whose DH is infertile - they adopted one DC, and then had another using a sperm donor. Both DC are in their late teens, and the donor conceived DC has no problems with the situation, but the adopted DC has been much more complex to parent, and continues to be.

I would be very wary of people presenting adoption as the less problematic option for all concerned. I know other donor conceived DC with lesbian parents and they are all happy and thriving without a DF. Adoption these days seems to be a very challenging option - I actually think it is best suited to people who already have older DC.

I agree Op that adoption tends to be presented as an 'easier' option between assisted reproduction and adoption usually by individuals who have little knowledge or understanding of the adoption process.

Unless there is some deep held moral view that bringing a child into the world without a father is an inherently wrong thing?

As a side note, I wouldn't pass the eligibility criteria for adoption - not because I'm single - but because I live in a one bedroom flat, I can't take a whole year off for maternity leave and I don't have a vast support network. Adoption really as simple as just apply and you'll end up with a child - not to mention that a lot children that are in the UK care system may have complex needs which you may jot be able to cater for. And as a final note, maybe people actually want to try and have their own biological child (like any individuals in a couple do?)

I'm on my phone so excuse the typos, I was just chipping in with some thoughts on the subject rather than criticize anything that @TheYearOfSmallThings* wrote! Totally agree on your viewpoints

@pinkyredrose

Why don't you adopt or foster?

Fostering or adopting isn't comparable for the op. She clearly wants her own child. It boils my blood when people casually suggest adoption. Have you any idea how hard it is? Had any experience of the many issues an adopted child may have?

I'd been waiting for the "why don't you just adopt?" question to pop up. Because it's that easy. 🙄

My children have never had an issue around Father's Day at school. They simply choose who they want to make a card for, whether that be their Grandad, Godfather or me.

They have never known anything other than the truth about how they came to be and we have open and honest conversations about it. I obviously don't know what the future holds but for now, they are well rounded individuals who are happy and confident in who they are

@Cally70

I'd been waiting for the "why don't you just adopt?" question to pop up. Because it's that easy. 🙄

My children have never had an issue around Father's Day at school. They simply choose who they want to make a card for, whether that be their Grandad, Godfather or me.

They have never known anything other than the truth about how they came to be and we have open and honest conversations about it. I obviously don't know what the future holds but for now, they are well rounded individuals who are happy and confident in who they are

Exactly! I'm a nursery teacher and often wonder how many shitty Dads I've helped make cards for over the years. Judging by the people I know, my own experience and all that I've read on here, it's a fair few sadly!!!

It's the quality and consistency of parenting that counts, a child with a Dad can have a far worse upbringing than a child without.
I've seen this myself many times sadly.

@BeachDrifting

Firstly, I have a friend in exactly your position. She had her son through donor eggs/sperm 15 years ago. Super happy. He’s a wonderful boy and perfectly fine. It worked out perfectly. You just have to embrace it if you’re going to do it.

I checked the uk divorce rate. On average it’s 33.3%. If you work out the figures since the 60’s.

How many of those are acrimonious?

I’ve got lots of family and friends who are raising kids alone. Surely that’s the same as your position? They’re all fine?

Er... these divorced kids grew up with a dad and his family, it's completely different from a sperm donor situation...

All the people who've posted saying it's all fine and jolly to intentionally deprive a child of their father and a whole half of who they are, are posting from the point of view of the mothers with sperm donor kids who've not yet grown up and fully understand the gravity of their conception. It's the child who's the concern here and who's most important. I see you've conveniently ignored posts that describe the experience of sperm donor kids who are adults. The impact of fatherlessness is huge for children.

Im 5 years older than you and always wanted to be a mum. I dreamed of it probably the way people dream about a certain career. I was luck enough to get married in mid 20s, had 2 kids by the age of 30...my husband and I both work and always have (apart from mat leave)... The reality is they cost a lot, child care is a forturn and not always available, one of our kids has autism and even with the 2 of us it's really hard, now add in teenage hormones to that and fighting to get service or a half decent education, giving our other child the time and attention he needs too... Its hard... Probably why they give you cute babies so you are already smitten with them by the time they turn teens :-).... Kids are hard work, we hope for a happy healthy child but it doesn't always work like that.... I'm not saying all this to put you off, it's just to give you an idea that things don't always work out as we hope. I adore my kids, they are my world. (but on a bad day I imagine a child free life, travelling, having a career rather than a job, having hobbies etc-but then they hug you or do something lovely and I realise I'm happier with them than without)
I know if I was in your shoes I would want to be a mum more than anything, so I get that and would probably do the same as what you are considering now.
I know of a women who was 40 ish, wanted a child and her and a male friend had a baby together but separately (they co-parent) he is a happy boy with best of both worlds. Again not saying that is right for you just a thought. Fostering is another option?...
Also if you do go down the donor route, your child will clearly be loved and is wanted. Not knowing the dad can be explained to the child and understood, I imagine keeping that a secret would cause trauma later in life. But there will be lots of advice out there on how to best handle that. The great thing about these days is families are made up in every which way and its all accepted. I love that.
Then in the future Mr right comes along he doesn't have any ex/daddy drama to deal with. Most people that I know who are single and looking are expecting that kids come as part of the package and doesn't put them off.... Trust your instinct, you know what is right for you.

It boils my blood when people casually suggest adoption.
Have you any idea how hard it is? Had any experience of the many issues an adopted child may have?

Why would it make your blood boil? There's loads of great kids out there that need a home, how would raising one of them be harder than having a donor baby?

@pinkyredrose who don’t YOU adopt or foster? Have you?

OP I know several donor conceived families. Some single mums, using a friend as donor or using spent from a bank. Some same sex families, using the same. I’m also an active member of the Dcn as my DH and I have a son from double donation.

Many women got tired of waiting for a partner and pursued the family they wanted. Of course, they would have preferred a simpler option but they wanted to be mammas and felt ready to take it on alone.

Adoption and fostering are not plan b for everyone abd there are a lot of hoops to jump through. We looked into adopting but our living in two different countries made us ineligibile to begin the process.

‘Many women got tired of waiting for a partner and pursued the family they wanted. Of course, they would have preferred a simpler option but they wanted to be mammas and felt ready to take it on alone. ‘

It’s not all about the mother though is it? Or it certainly shouldn’t be. My friend is a donor baby and she’s found it harder and harder as we have got older, she’s become quite angry with her mother’s lack of empathy about her never knowing her father, it’s really difficult for her.

@Beefcurtains79

‘Many women got tired of waiting for a partner and pursued the family they wanted. Of course, they would have preferred a simpler option but they wanted to be mammas and felt ready to take it on alone. ‘

It’s not all about the mother though is it? Or it certainly shouldn’t be. My friend is a donor baby and she’s found it harder and harder as we have got older, she’s become quite angry with her mother’s lack of empathy about her never knowing her father, it’s really difficult for her.

Sperm donors aren't 'fathers', they provide genetic material so that a woman/women can create a family; so the reference to not knowing your father is odd. Did the sperm donor consent to ID release or was it an anonymous donor? Was your friend disclosed information when young? Was her conception represented as a 'shameful story'? So much information is missing. A single example where sperm donation hasn't been successful in terms of creating a happy, secure and content family environment isn't necessarily a representation that having a child via a sperm donor is an inherently damaging thing to do.

Just to give another perspective which I don't think has been mentioned (haven't read every response).

I went through IVF etc with my DH. It never worked for us and ultimately we were offered the chance to use donor eggs if we paid for the donor to have IVF - they'd give us some of their harvested eggs.

We discussed it a lot (we could have paid) but I felt uneasy about it for several reasons. The main one was that I knew 100%, if the situation was reversed, I could NEVER let someone else have one of my eggs and bring up a child that was half mine. I felt that would be abdicating my responsibility towards my child and I would have no way of influencing anything about their life.

I guess men who donate sperm don't think like that but I can imagine a child who was the outcome of such a situation could harbour strong feelings towards their 'father' who was so careless of their welfare.

That's not even to start on the fact that the child may resent not having a father or being given the chance to know one. A mother who is separated or abandoned by the father of her child is in a very different situation.

Really surprised by the negativity here. Every family is a story, and of course in an ideal world every kid would have two loving parents. But I think one wonderful mum is pretty great - so go for it. Be honest, thoughtful and empathetic with the kid about it and I really think the “scarred for life” issue (that people here seem to bizarrely suggesting is so serious that it would be better not to have a kid) can be managed! Good luck.

The problem is that father has two meanings, really.

To father a child you need to produce sperm. That isn’t being careless of your child’s welfare, it is literally producing sperm. You aren’t being a parent, you are enabling someone else to become a parent.

A father is also someone you have a relationship with, a dad.

But they aren’t the same thing in the context of sperm donation.

@pinkyredrose

*It boils my blood when people casually suggest adoption. Have you any idea how hard it is? Had any experience of the many issues an adopted child may have?*

Why would it make your blood boil? There's loads of great kids out there that need a home, how would raising one of them be harder than having a donor baby?

Oh the naivety!!! Do you have any knowledge of attachment disorder for example? A huge number of adoptive children suffer with this and it is so hard to support and nurture a child like this. I've cared for a child with attachment disorder and it nearly broke me, physically and mentally.

A child born via a sperm donor, to a loving parent or parents is in no way comparable to a child who is fostered or adopted after having been through known and unknown trauma, neglect etc in their early life.

So yes, it makes my blood boil when childless couples or people, are casually offered this as an option.

Not all kids waiting for adoption have those issues though. Do you think it's ethically ok to deliberately bring a child into the world never knowing thier father? That can cause a whole host of issues too

To the OP. I hope your OK. You have had a lot of tough comments.
Families are made up all ways these days, and nothing is taboo (which is great). You will be a great mum. Trust your instincts and do what makes you happy and be open and honest about how wanted and special they are. They will grow up happy and loved.
Believe in yourself. Do what's right for you and your situation.

@pinkyredrose

Not all kids waiting for adoption have those issues though. Do you think it's ethically ok to deliberately bring a child into the world never knowing thier father? That can cause a whole host of issues too

Yes. I have no problem with that.

Better to be brought into the world never knowing your father than to be born into poverty, violence, abuse, lack of love, discrimination or neglect.

Better to be brought into the world never knowing your father than to be born into poverty, violence, abuse, lack of love, discrimination or neglect

It's not an either/or choice.

If you were genuinely concerned about outcomes for children, this is where you would focus your worry and your attention.

It is massively selfish to want a child knowing full well it will psychologically damage them. Good Dads are hugely important in a child's life so to knowingly deprive them of half of their support network in life is cruel and heartless. Identity is hugely important. It's what we base ourselves on. Children all need kind and loving daddies in their lives, it's one of the most special human bonds that exists.

You know this.