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Relationships

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Original poster

BF plans to keep me a secret from his DD for years

33 replies

butterkistpop · 10/08/2021 22:42

Been seeing someone for 7 months. He has a 10yr old DD. We were chatting about her today & I asked "how do you think X would react if you told her you had a gf?" He said she would totally freak out so he would never tell her if he were in a relationship until she was grown up, had a boyfriend and he was sure she wouldn't be bothered by it.

I don't expect her to know of my existence in the next 6-12 months, but I was just wondering then how things would progress with us if we were still together in 2 or 3 years? Maybe they won't until she's 16/17?

OP posts:

Whattheschitt · 10/08/2021 23:04

I'd of thought any upset she felt at 10 finding out, would disappear a lot faster than finding out at 16/17 that her father has been lying to her for 6 or 7 years. Actively hiding a part of his life from her.

seensome · 10/08/2021 23:12

I think he wants to see how it goes with you first before thinking about introducing you, he's probably thinking only a very long term relationship would you meet and after 7 months he may not know yet but doesn't want to hurt you possibly. If you're still together in a few years and still not met, I would be quite surprised.

allgoodthings84 · 10/08/2021 23:23

I didn’t introduce my child to my partner for over 2.5 years. I wanted to make sure that our relationship was going to be for the long haul first. At the beginning I had no intentions on introducing them but things evolved in our relationship. I told her around 4 months before introducing them and made sure she wanted to.

Spritesobright · 10/08/2021 23:24

So he wants to keep you a secret for 5-6 yrs??! That's excessive. Has he considered that you may add something to her life?
Maybe he feels guilty about the marriage ending.
I guess you have to decide if that's something you can live with. I don't think I could.
My DC adore my partner and enjoy spending time with him (we don't live together).
I think he's being very shortsighted and overprotective.

allgoodthings84 · 10/08/2021 23:26

So basically I’m saying he may have no intentions of it now as it’s early days still but things and thoughts change.

I doubt his daughter would be happy to find out it was kept a secret for 7 years! My child was only 2 when we met so not the same

GroggyLegs · 10/08/2021 23:29

@Whattheschitt

This! Unless of course he's going to ask you to lie and pretend it's a new relationship.

Did you have any plans for the next 5 years? Living together, getting married, having a baby?
Because he's just pretty much told you that's not happening.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/08/2021 23:36

Come on now, don't be daft. Your boyfriend is unhinged. Run for your life.

spotcheck · 10/08/2021 23:41

I think your ' boyfriend ' would be setting a really shitty example of relationships to his future daughter.

He's using his daughter as an excuse to keep you very very separate from the main part of his life.

Lulola · 11/08/2021 00:07

I understand the delaying until being certain - but it sounds like you would just be dating for the next few years rather than if getting serious, you have to decide if you are ok with that.

Bonheurdupasse · 11/08/2021 00:24

Run.

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 11/08/2021 00:31

His DD coming first and his DD being the only important person in his life aren't the same thing. Unfortunately it sound like he thinks of you as someone to date and sleep with but not as a future partner. It is up to you if you're ok with that, or with waiting to see if he feels the same. But if after this long he doesn't even think he might want a future with you before his DD is an adult then it doesn't sound like he's thinking of you as being in a relationship.

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 11/08/2021 00:34

"until she was grown up, had a boyfriend"

Just to say too that this is a really odd thing to say. What has she got to have a BF for before she can hear that her DF has a GF?

Whatinthelord · 11/08/2021 00:38

This is ridiculous.
I mean it’s sensible, of course, to know someone well and be thoughtful about how you introduce them to your child. But keeping the existence of a partner a secret from your child for years makes no sense what so ever.

Is there an ulterior motive? Have you met his other family or his friends yet? Is he scared his contact might be a risk if his child mother knows about you. I just wonder if there’s more to it.

crasscloud · 11/08/2021 00:40

I didn’t introduce my child to my partner for over 2.5 years. I wanted to make sure that our relationship was going to be for the long haul first.

This is misguided nonsense. My sister introduced her now husband to her son as 'a friend of Mummy's) after three weeks because if they couldn't bring themselves to like each other after laughter at the baby elephant at the zoo with ice creams to follow, she thought he probably wasn't dad material (and there was no real dad so particularly important). If they hadn't got on, it would have been a happy outing with a friend, the end

AlternativePerspective · 11/08/2021 00:50

Personally I think that more than 6 months is too long to introduce a partner. No you don’t have to introduce them as your boyfriend or start to have them stay overnight, but children change the dynamic of a relationship so much that not introducing them means you have no idea what they’ll be like when they meet etc, and if you have plans for the future and have become established there’s less chance you’re going to end a relationship if they and the kids don’t jell than if it’s a shorter relationship where you can just introduce them as friends, in which case, the partner is more likely to be placed above the kids even if they don’t get on.

Given we’re all separated from partners of some years, I think it’s safe to say that you can never know whether a relationship is going to be a lasting one, even if it’s been over a year.

No you don’t have to introduce a string of daddio’s to your kids, but it’s perfectly ok to introduce friends on a mutual ground etc.

As for the OP, I would run a mile. He’s made it very clear early on that he doesn’t see this as a real relationship, there won’t be living together, holidays together, by the time the child is about 13 or so there won’t be any going out together either in case she sees you.

Nope. Get the hell out.

JuniperJuno · 11/08/2021 01:05

My sister dated someone that also refused to introduce her to his DD. It took over two years for him to finally agree to it. He was emotionally abusive and a total control freak. The whole family tried to warn her, he made my Dsis feel totally worthless. This won’t end well for you OP.

SarahBellam · 11/08/2021 01:32

I waited a year and that was about right for us. The fact that he’s refusing to tell her about you for at least 6 years suggests that he has no intention of living with you or marrying.

5475878237NC · 11/08/2021 04:30

Some PP have missed the point. He didn't say what the relationship would need to meet in terms of longevity criteria or status such as moving in, he also said when his daughter has a boyfriend and is grown up. To me, using external events as a gatekeeper has nothing to do with him being unsure of the relationship as it's still early days (and not wanting to say that). It's a form of future faking to me, suggesting he sees what you have as a causal thing and wants it to stay that way.

MrsJackWhicher · 11/08/2021 04:59

Current bf introduced me to his son the second time we met, as we share s hobby, simply as s friend, since at that stage that is all I actually was.
If you share an interest that is surely straightforward.

SusieSusieSoo · 11/08/2021 05:09

Agree with pps that the dynamic of the relationship changes once dcs are introduced - it makes it more like real life.

I introduced ds to my then p after about 6 mths. Very gradually too. What I hadn't banked on was that p would struggle so much would be such an utter disaster with 'normal' life I.e. when he became more integrated into the family rather than just coming at the weekend as an 'invited guest' -

this sounds a crazy way to live tbh op - it's never going to be 'real life' - he just wants to keep you in a little 'compartment' of his life

jay55 · 11/08/2021 05:10

Are you certain you're not his side piece?
Because he can't introduce you if his dd thinks someone else is his wife/girlfriend.

Whydidimarryhim · 11/08/2021 07:07

Yes does being excluded from being introduced to her exclude you from meeting the rest of his family?
Do you avoid certain areas when you go out?
Don’t be anyone’s secret.

SarahDarah · 11/08/2021 12:09

@Spritesobright

So he wants to keep you a secret for 5-6 yrs??! That's excessive. Has he considered that you may add something to her life? Maybe he feels guilty about the marriage ending. I guess you have to decide if that's something you can live with. I don't think I could. My DC adore my partner and enjoy spending time with him (we don't live together). I think he's being very shortsighted and overprotective.

But his DD has her dad and presumably her mum so what can a random woman her dad is dating add to her life? Who her dad dates is nothing to do with her.

She's already had to deal with the trauma of her own family breaking up and this woman is essentially a replacement to her own mother

Why should the DD have some woman foisted onto her life simply to make the OP feel more secure.
He's doing the right thing putting his daughter first and keeping his daughter out of his dating life and letting her just enjoy her childhood.

CherieBabySpliffUp · 11/08/2021 12:13

Run

ExpressDelivery · 11/08/2021 12:18

I think, if you're still together he'll change his mind, unless there's another reason you need to be a secret....

He's right not to introduce you too quickly, but she'll be devastated to think he's lied for years.

What about his parents, friends and siblings? Are you a to secret them too?

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