BF plans to keep me a secret from his DD for years

[butterkistpop]

Been seeing someone for 7 months. He has a 10yr old DD. We were chatting about her today & I asked "how do you think X would react if you told her you had a gf?" He said she would totally freak out so he would never tell her if he were in a relationship until she was grown up, had a boyfriend and he was sure she wouldn't be bothered by it.

I don't expect her to know of my existence in the next 6-12 months, but I was just wondering then how things would progress with us if we were still together in 2 or 3 years? Maybe they won't until she's 16/17?

He's letting you know this relationship is going nowhere fast. You will not be an important part of his life.

Tell him based on what he said that it seems you are in the wrong relationship. wish him all the best and walk away.

I can understand hesitation, taking his time and thinking carefully before making any introductions, but he's talking about pretending he's not even seeing anyone for 6/7/possibly more years?!

I think being cautious about introducing new partners to DC is absolutely correct and should only happen both parties know each other extremely well and are certain of a long term commitment.

I think this might be his way of letting you know he doesn't expect you to be around for that long?

So as his DD gets older and they talk about what they did at the weekend, holidays, etc, he just omits you from everything? Or will be not be spending weekends and holidays with you in the future?

I don't think she should have to meet you anytime soon, ir until she wants to but not mentioning you at all for years is just crazy!

So he’s not planning on her finding out about you for another 6/7 years then? On the face of it I don’t think it’s a big deal in one way, you’re in a relationship with him, not his daughter. But at the same time he’s telling you that there is literally zero chance of this relationship progressing further than dating. You can’t live together or get engaged (not saying that’s what everyone should do though) if his daughter can’t know about you. You’ll have to avoid each other on his contact days or days out. What happens if in the future she decides to live with him?

I've not been in that situation but that is crazy! He'd effectively be lying to his dd for years. I understand it may not be the right time YET, given the family situation and the fact he isn't sure where your relationship is headed, but his plan makes no sense in terms of respecting and being considerate of his daughter. That alone would probably put me off him.

He's a twat and he's looking for an easy life . If anything he should be showing his daughter that there is life after divorce and it is possible to move on and have another meaningful relationship .

That’s insane. I wouldn’t put up with being anyone’s dirty secret.

Why’s his daughter so insecure the concept of dad having a girlfriend would upset her so much?

Don’t put up with this, it’s ridiculous.