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Original poster

Could you get into a relationship with someone you are not attracted to.

30 replies

Ceriane · 10/08/2021 22:37

I know for a fact I couldn't. I have been on 3 dates with someone who is a lovely guy, but I know that I don't feel attracted to him, at all, so have said we are just friends.

I had a friend who has said I am shallow, because of this. I'm not at all, but the thought of sleeping with someone I'm not attracted to is something I just couldn't do. Attraction to me is what it is, nothing to do with looks, it's a feeling you can't explain. I just feel extremely hurt to be called shallow just because I can't force myself that way. I've had another person say "you could do a lot worse" but I don't want to be with someone because I could do a lot worse, I want someone I actually really genuinely like and want to be with.

I don't know what it is with the people I know that seem to want to pile the pressure on with me when it comes to dating. I'm open to a relationship if someone I really liked came along, but am otherwise fine on my own until then. I'm late 30's and not bothered either way about kids, and I just don't have the anybody is better than nobody mindset. Am I really shallow for not being attracted to someone? This really bothers me.

OP posts:
Caffeinemonster · 10/08/2021 22:40

I agree with you 90%. But a close friend of mine ended up completely falling for a guy she said very similar about after the 3rd date. Date 4 was make or break really. He suddenly clicked for her and they’ve now been happily married for 12 years and have 3 kids.

merryhouse · 10/08/2021 22:40

Gracious, why would you do that?

(Are there people you're attracted to? Would it matter if there weren't ever?)

merryhouse · 10/08/2021 22:42

caffeinemonster ah well that's a different question - how likely is attraction to appear after more than x dates?

EarthSight · 10/08/2021 22:45

Maybe focus on what it says about them rather than what it says about you.

Could they be resentful or jealous of the fact that you feel that you are actually able to turn men down and be relaxed about your choices (whereas they feel like they have to make do with what was available to them)? That they see you as stuck up somehow because they think you feel you should get someone better looking? Maybe they find it offensive that you turn down someone they would be perfectly happy saying yes to, which could either make them feel you're ungrateful or that it somehow a negative commentary on their own taste. One of these is quite likely going to apply to them.

cheeseismydownfall · 10/08/2021 22:46

I think this is one of the difficulties of OLD.

I absolutely would NOT start a sexual relationship with someone I wasn't sexually attracted to. But attraction is incredibly complex and doesn't necessarily show itself within two or three dates (which are in themselves quite an artificial situation).

Lampan · 10/08/2021 22:53

I am the same as you. I would feel like it is unfair to go beyond date 3 if you’re not attracted to someone. I would feel like I was leading them on.
It’s so so preferable to be alone rather than stuck with someone who isn’t right, even if they are a lovely guy. I think if the physical attraction isn’t there by date 2/3 it’s a no go.

Blue4YOU · 10/08/2021 22:54

I’ve been in a relationship with someone I wasn’t sexually attracted to - several times. It did me no favours.
Don’t do it.
You don’t exist to please other people!

AfterSchoolWorry · 10/08/2021 23:09

No. What would be the point?

Original poster
Ceriane · 10/08/2021 23:10

Thank you. I agree attraction can grow, so I might give it a while and see what happens. I just don't think I could force sex on myself, for the sake of being with someone, and when people get on at me about it, and make me feel like I'm being shallow or whatever, it triggers a lot of overthinking for me because of a coercive relationship I had as a teenager. It feels like that is what they are suggesting I do, without coming right out and saying it, so it really triggers me in some way and sends me into a spiral of anxiety and overthinking.

Yes I do feel attracted to people, but it's very rare, and with me there is usually an emotional connection to that person as well as just thinking they are good looking or whatever. I have felt intense attraction in the past to some really unlikely people...when I do fancy someone, I really fancy them.

I just feel that I'm happy to go out with someone, get to know them and see what develops, so I do give people a chance, but I couldn't turn it into an actual sexual relationship just to be grateful to have someone or to not be fussy, to the point where the thought of that is really distressing to me, so that is why it upsets me so much when people tell me I'm too fussy or imply that I'm shallow or ungrateful. I don't want to have sex to be grateful, there is something really unsettling about that.

OP posts:
MintyGreenDream · 10/08/2021 23:22

I did that once and married him.Big mistake.

Kite22 · 10/08/2021 23:28

I agree with what @cheeseismydownfall said.

I am of an age that dating was done before people had the internet. I know plenty of people who fell for their partner gradually, over time. Maybe a work colleague or someone you did a hobby with or the brother of a friend or something. People can grow on you and a sexual attraction isn't necessarily something that is instant.
Back in the day, we used to 'go out with' someone for a while and really get to know people before it was expected to turn into a sexual relationship. I think there's a lot to be said for it, to be honest.

Of course, you can also go out with someone a few times and find you don't 'click' for any number of reasons, who can be perfectly lovely people, just not for you. Smile

So - no, you are right, there is no reason to 'settle' if the person isn't right for you, but equally, you can grow to love someone who doesn't knock your socks off when you first meet

OrlandointheWilderness · 10/08/2021 23:30

I do think sometimes it can grow but I think there has to be an ember there to start with. I've been in a long term relationship with someone I didn't party fancy and I wouldn't do it again. It wasn't until I met my bf (who I fancy as much as it is possible to fancy a man!) that I realised what I had been missing.

coronaway · 11/08/2021 00:41

I actually think it's pretty selfish to do that to be honest. I'd hate to go out with a guy who doesn't fancy me but rather just thinks I'm a nice person / has good qualities etc.

gannett · 11/08/2021 07:20

Attraction can definitely grow over time but that's usually in cases where you know someone in a different context for a long time - say a friend or a colleague who you've never thought of in that way, but suddenly after several years you find yourself looking at differently.

Usually that's because we get to know them better as people and their good personality traits enhance how we see them. Or maybe they weren't our default type, but after being around them you notice the ways in which they ARE attractive.

But it seems obvious to me that you don't get into a relationship with someone until and unless physical attraction exists. Maybe you date them a few times because it's not necessarily instantaneous. But if it doesn't come along, you shouldn't be going any further. (I'm always astonished at how many people not only go further but get all the way to marriage and kids before admitting they never fancied their partner. WTF.)

wizzywig · 11/08/2021 07:21

Plenty of women in traditional arranged marriages did this.

wizzywig · 11/08/2021 07:21

Actually men too.

DukeOfEarlGrey · 11/08/2021 07:44

I completely hear you OP. I’m happily single at 40 and feel the same, in fact I’m really conscious of only starting a relationship with someone that I really actively want in my life, despite the pressure of the ‘should’ be coupled up mentality that seems to pervade. I think some people are fundamentally affronted by happily single women, especially if they are happily child free as well. Stick to your instincts - you sound like you have a good balance of self-esteem and open-mindedness.

CheshireDing · 11/08/2021 08:03

I spent most of my 20’s single as there was guy that I really fancied that also really fancied me.

I did go out with a couple of guys who were ‘okay’ and I do remember people at work saying ‘oh but he is nice, you could do worse’ etc.

Fuck that though, if you are not attracted to them now how will you be attracted to them when you are both in your 70’s or whatever ?

overtherainbo · 11/08/2021 08:20

I met a man on tinder 4 years ago. We had our first date and it was horrible, prolonged awkward silences, he was way shorter than me (I'm 6ft, he was 5ft 7). I wasn't attracted to him and we just had nothing in common. We decided to leave it as friends.

We ended up talking a lot more than previously. We went out a few times as friends and I enjoyed his company. I realised I started getting excited for the messages, excited for the meet ups and we came to a point where we spoke daily.

One day he suddenly asked if I could see us together. He said we have a laugh and really get on, I couldn't deny it, I loved the time spent together. To my shock the attraction did come, I wouldn't look at anyone else now. I think he's a beautiful person inside and out. I don't think it's something that comes immediately but I also don't think it can be forced either.

We are living together, engaged and are expecting our first baby. I honestly couldn't be happier and am so glad I give things time.

Like I said I don't think it can be forced, it came naturally in time in the grey area of 'just friends'.

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 11/08/2021 08:26

it wouldn't work for me. Way back in my dating days I met a lovely bloke and dated him for a while. On paper he was perfect, but I just didn't fancy him. He was lovely though so I dated him for a while trying to make it work for me, but it didn't and I ended up really hurting him when I broke up with him, as he was mad about me and didn't understand why I was dumping him. So tread carefully. Not long after I met the most gorgeous man I'd ever met, our 25th wedding anniversary is coming up and I still fancy him like mad!

WhiskeyGalore212 · 11/08/2021 08:30

It's unnatural to get into a relationship with someone you're not attracted to.

It's a fundamental.

This is, of course, in a "regular" relationship in which you expect to have sex. Which is the vast majority of relationships.

It's not shallow in the slightest. It's natural and normal and essential.

Also "you could do worse" .... suggests (at best) they think he's a nice person. But there's a hood chance he's not the only nice person person the world, so that's not a reason to get into a relationship with him if youre not attracted to him.

I wonder so people do this shit to men .... somehow I doubt it.

Wjevtvha · 11/08/2021 08:31

I would agree that attraction can grow but from experience I know after 3 dates whether that will happen or not and if it didn’t happen then I wouldn’t want to have sex and that’s not really conducive to a relationship

Wjevtvha · 11/08/2021 08:32

Honestly as well would you want to be with someone who didn’t find you attractive and as much as that lust stage doesn’t last it’s a bit depressing to never have had it in a relationship

WhiskeyGalore212 · 11/08/2021 08:35

Sorry I meant to add that theory "could do worse" comment is at best them saying he's a nice person; at worst it puts me in mind if the v damaging comments myself and a girl i know were subjected to when younger like "he's the best you'll do".

In both cases, they were wrong. I was told this by a school bully sort when v young abd it affected me ... I didn't even imagine other people would be equally stupid and bullying until a girl I know told me she was told so.ilar at an older age about her first boyfriend (who incidentally committed a voyeurism.offence bit was not reported to the police for it).

WhiskeyGalore212 · 11/08/2021 08:36

lust stage doesn’t last

Imo lust doesn't last, but attraction does ... abd attraction is very important in a relationship.

Also the lust, honeymoon phase is still an jmportant, strongly bonding phase.