Does my partner want to be with me or not?

[Crumpets123]

I posted last week about my girlfriend.

She told me she had doubts about us, wasn't she if this was the relationship she wanted for the rest of her life, that she wasn't completely fulfilled in the relationship etc.

I was devastated and we decided if she had doubts that she should leave to get her head together.

On Sunday she asked to see me, told me her head was clear, that she didn't want to break up and wanted to work on things.

She came over yesterday and told me that she realised she has not made any effort in the relationship and has expected it to stay great by itself. She said that she has not taken responsibility or accountability for anything she needs to do to improve the relationship. I asked her about all the stuff she said about having doubts, not sure about me, and she said she wants to be with me, but then the more we talked the more confused she seemed to get. She didn't do anything to "take back" or counteract what she had said, and I felt like she was doing nothing to tell me that she is committed and invested in me.

She said she has been struggling with how she feels in herself, she feels very low and depressed and it has been getting worse across the whole pandemic because she hates her job, hates working from home, and has struggled with the lack of variety in life. She said she has no energy or motivation for anything and thinks she needs to see a therapist. She told me the problem is her, not me. She told me that she isn't trying to fight for me because she thinks I deserve better than her and that she is being wishy washy with me.

I told her that I would support her through anything as long as I know that she is committed to our relationship and committed to me, because I can't be with someone who has doubts and is questioning how they feel about me. She just stayed silent and could not answer or tell me how she feels about it. But then 5 minutes later she would tell me she wants to be with me, but then 5 minutes after that tell me she doesn't know what she is thinking and feeling. I'm so confused as to why she can't reassure me or give me straight answers.

I helped her find a therapist who she has emailed asking their availability. She then told me she wanted to go out tonight to her hobby. This upset me because I just thought, we have broken up, you left home, been home for 1 night and you want to go out and I will be at home alone? I don't want to be taken for a mug?

What do I do?

I think she's bored and she's trying to figure out if the relationship with you if part of that.

It sounds like she might be suffering with depression and it's good that she is seeking help. Going out to her hobby may be the best thing she can do right now. If you believe the reasons she has given you (and they sound entirely believable from here, and presumably you don't think she's lying?) then she is depressed and not feeling herself. Anything she can do to feel 'normal' such as a hobby is a good thing and I think you should support it.

If however you don't believe her, or you don't want to have to deal with the turmoil of her depression, then better to say so now.

You're not being taken for a mug. She is probably all talked out and needs to do something completely different for the evening. She is clearly suffering from depression and being able to go out somewhere is a positive thing to do.

Far better to do that than to stay at home navel-gazing.

Don't make this about you.

@atlastifoundit

You're not being taken for a mug. She is probably all talked out and needs to do something completely different for the evening. She is clearly suffering from depression and being able to go out somewhere is a positive thing to do.

Far better to do that than to stay at home navel-gazing.

Don't make this about you.

I know and I feel guilty or am worried about making this about me, but she said all those things to be completely out the blue. And she has come back but given me no reassurance and keeps repeating she is confused and doesn't know what she thinks and feels?

If she came home and said she is 100% committed to me and wants to move forward but needs support with her mental health, that would be absolutely fine. But I dont feel I am hearing what I need to move forward, and when I tell her what I need to hear, she can't give it to me?

FFS, ditch this flakey headfuck. She is doing nothing but playing games and jerking you around. You are being a doormat and massively wasting your time.

Well she just admitted that she isn't sure she wants to be with me. She is leaving now.

@Crumpets123

Well she just admitted that she isn't sure she wants to be with me. She is leaving now.

Good riddance. Be smart enough to let her go. Block her and move on.

She does sound very flakey I’m sorry op. I would let go here, I know it hurts but this will only get more painful and drawn out, you will be okay in time and meet someone excited to be with you.

She keeps doing this to you.

How long are you together?

Don't let her come back a second time. You deserve all rather than nothing. Don't let her mess with your head again.

Isn't this the second time this has happened in a really short space of time? This is manipulative fuckery, let her go.

@MarylinMonrue

Isn't this the second time this has happened in a really short space of time? This is manipulative fuckery, let her go.

Yes, went on holiday without OP - came back completely changed towards her. Left. Came back, left.

And I still think cherchez la femme, OP.

No she doesn't sorry.

It's probably not you if she's having all these other issues in her life so try not to take it to heart.

You'll be happier without someone blowing hot and cold. FWIW I wouldn't take her back later on down the line either, mostly these things just repeat themselves.

I just don't understand why she came back just to leave again the next day :( I've hardly slept all night, feel so sick and feel I am back at square one where I was last week when she left the first time :(

I am just so confused. Why did she keep telling me she loved me and that she wanted to be with me, but in the same breath, not be able to tell me she is 100% invested in the relationship?

She said she didn't want to try to convince me or fight for me because I am better of with her. She said that she thought she wanted to be with me, but me keep saying that she wasn't saying the right things was making her doubt herself.

I feel so awful today. I was so angry at her last night and I feel guilty for shouting and getting so frustrated because she is going through a tough time. But I just felt so frustrated and I don't want to be used by someone for their comfort

She wanted to keep you as an option because she's not mature enough to face being alone?

You deserve better than this OP.

It’s ok to put your needs first in this. Even if she’s feeling depressed, this is now screwing with your mental health. Accept her decision to leave but don’t let her come back unless she is wholly convinced of her feelings for you and the relationship. Cut contact, give yourself the space to move on. Otherwise she’s just going to be coming back every time she needs an ego boost.

I don't think she's deliberately messing you around. Sounds like she's actually done some hard thinking about her life and why she feels depressed, and she's taking positive steps to sort it - therapist is definitely a good idea.

She's telling you she doesn't know whether she wants to be with you or not. That's not a satisfying answer but I think it's honest. Her head's a mess due to multiple factors and she doesn't yet know how much her relationship plays into that.

I also completely understand her feeling of "I want to be in this relationship, but I'm a bit of a mess right now and not a great partner, so maybe it's better if I'm not".

I don't think being wishy-washy and not knowing what you want is mutually exclusive from being honest.

However from your POV, I also understand how much of a headfuck it is - and you shouldn't feel you need to prioritise whatever she's going through in making your decision. If you feel messed around then regardless of her intent, you should be able to extricate yourself from the situation.

I don't know how old you are, whether you see her as a potential life partner etc. I'd guess from your description of the situation you'd be better off splitting - she needs time to sort her head out and that's best done on her own; you're deeply unhappy. It's also better to split while you still have respect for each other rather than building resentment.

However if you're prepared to put the hard yards in and support her to eventually be the best version of herself - someone who can be committed to you - that's an option. Difficult, but potentially it might work out.

No, just no…

I would strongly suspect a parallel relationship competing for her attention, maybe at her hobby.

Regardless, you are being treated as a backstop and in a callous way.

Let her go and move on.

@gannett

I don't think she's deliberately messing you around. Sounds like she's actually done some hard thinking about her life and why she feels depressed, and she's taking positive steps to sort it - therapist is definitely a good idea.

She's telling you she doesn't know whether she wants to be with you or not. That's not a satisfying answer but I think it's honest. Her head's a mess due to multiple factors and she doesn't yet know how much her relationship plays into that.

I also completely understand her feeling of "I want to be in this relationship, but I'm a bit of a mess right now and not a great partner, so maybe it's better if I'm not".

I don't think being wishy-washy and not knowing what you want is mutually exclusive from being honest.

However from your POV, I also understand how much of a headfuck it is - and you shouldn't feel you need to prioritise whatever she's going through in making your decision. If you feel messed around then regardless of her intent, you should be able to extricate yourself from the situation.

I don't know how old you are, whether you see her as a potential life partner etc. I'd guess from your description of the situation you'd be better off splitting - she needs time to sort her head out and that's best done on her own; you're deeply unhappy. It's also better to split while you still have respect for each other rather than building resentment.

However if you're prepared to put the hard yards in and support her to eventually be the best version of herself - someone who can be committed to you - that's an option. Difficult, but potentially it might work out.

I feel really guilty. I feel like I should be supporting her through this. I feel like I have pushed her away when she didn't say all the exact right things I wanted to hear. I told her I am 100% committed and invested, but am I? It seems my support is conditional because instead of supporting her and giving it some time for the counselling, or to see how things go. I told her I couldn't continue and for her to leave.

She told me she loved me and wanted to be with me... why wasn't that enough for me to just drop it and be supportive, or focus on the bigger picture, which is her being depressed?

I feel like I have messed up. I feel like I should be there for her, whether she can give me 100% or not, because surely being with someone and loving them means holding them through their tough times, even when they can't give you the same in return? (Obviously this inequality would not be okay forever, but in the short term whilst she gets help for her mental health?)

I feel like I have let her down when she has needed me the most.

Or would I just be used for her comfort?

I don't know what to do.

When I was being loving and supportive yesterday and said that we should just drop the relationship conversation, and focus on getting her better, she said she felt so loved and cared for.

I feel I let my frustration get the best of me and now I have ruined it

She has just messaged me to say she doesn't know what she wants, and the more questions I ask the more she just wants to curl up and shut everything out. She said she can't explain why she told me yesterday she wanted to be with me, and why today she doesn't know what she wants. She said she knows she is being awful to me and hates herself for it.

I told her I won't message her again unless it is to organise who is looking after our dogs, and I have left it at that.

I feel so awful.

I think if you want this to have a possibility of working out you need to drop the pressure on her. She doesn't sound like she is in a position to give you clear answers at the moment but I don't know that she is deliberately messing you about.

Forcing lots of questions will inevitably put her in a position of feeling she can't give you the answers you're looking for, especially if she is trying her hardest to be honest.

That's not to say you don't need answers but maybe you can work to a different timescale and maybe accept the different answers that are possible. For eg. I wouldn't need anyone to tell me that they would love me forever, or that they would never leave me, because those statements are too big and involve committing to an unknowable future. I wouldn't want to put someone in a position of becoming a liar later on down the line because I had unreasonable expectations of what they should say to me in the first place.

@suggestionsplease1

I think if you want this to have a possibility of working out you need to drop the pressure on her. She doesn't sound like she is in a position to give you clear answers at the moment but I don't know that she is deliberately messing you about.

Forcing lots of questions will inevitably put her in a position of feeling she can't give you the answers you're looking for, especially if she is trying her hardest to be honest.

That's not to say you don't need answers but maybe you can work to a different timescale and maybe accept the different answers that are possible. For eg. I wouldn't need anyone to tell me that they would love me forever, or that they would never leave me, because those statements are too big and involve committing to an unknowable future. I wouldn't want to put someone in a position of becoming a liar later on down the line because I had unreasonable expectations of what they should say to me in the first place.

Thank you @suggestionsplease1

I totally get what you are saying. But I'm not asking her to tell me that she will love me forever and will never leave me. I was asking to know that she is fully invested and committed to the relationship, and not just half-hearted about it. And although she told me she "wanted to be with me" she couldn't tell me that she was committed to giving her all to the relationship.

I wish that we could just have no contact, but we have two dogs and one of us needs to look after them as they can't be left at home all day when I am at work.