Does my partner want to be with me or not?

[Crumpets123]

I posted last week about my girlfriend.

She told me she had doubts about us, wasn't she if this was the relationship she wanted for the rest of her life, that she wasn't completely fulfilled in the relationship etc.

I was devastated and we decided if she had doubts that she should leave to get her head together.

On Sunday she asked to see me, told me her head was clear, that she didn't want to break up and wanted to work on things.

She came over yesterday and told me that she realised she has not made any effort in the relationship and has expected it to stay great by itself. She said that she has not taken responsibility or accountability for anything she needs to do to improve the relationship. I asked her about all the stuff she said about having doubts, not sure about me, and she said she wants to be with me, but then the more we talked the more confused she seemed to get. She didn't do anything to "take back" or counteract what she had said, and I felt like she was doing nothing to tell me that she is committed and invested in me.

She said she has been struggling with how she feels in herself, she feels very low and depressed and it has been getting worse across the whole pandemic because she hates her job, hates working from home, and has struggled with the lack of variety in life. She said she has no energy or motivation for anything and thinks she needs to see a therapist. She told me the problem is her, not me. She told me that she isn't trying to fight for me because she thinks I deserve better than her and that she is being wishy washy with me.

I told her that I would support her through anything as long as I know that she is committed to our relationship and committed to me, because I can't be with someone who has doubts and is questioning how they feel about me. She just stayed silent and could not answer or tell me how she feels about it. But then 5 minutes later she would tell me she wants to be with me, but then 5 minutes after that tell me she doesn't know what she is thinking and feeling. I'm so confused as to why she can't reassure me or give me straight answers.

I helped her find a therapist who she has emailed asking their availability. She then told me she wanted to go out tonight to her hobby. This upset me because I just thought, we have broken up, you left home, been home for 1 night and you want to go out and I will be at home alone? I don't want to be taken for a mug?

What do I do?

It sounds to me like there could be someone else involved..

In a situation like this the "why" might change from moment to moment because of how she is coping or not with her emotions.

Sometimes the best thing to do for both of you is to be the strong enough person to enforce the space you both need to heal.

She needs space to deal with what is going on with her, you are a source of confusion (through no fault of your own) and she needs time away from you to figure life out.

You need space because it is tremendously upsetting and confusing to be with someone who wants you one day and doesn't the next. It will eventually have an effect on your mental health and so you need to protect yourself just now too.

Ultimately the longer you stay together the longer this scenario will play out because you stuck to the status quo. For things to change for the better you need to make the change, as hard as it is and as difficult to understand as it is.

It's really shite I know, I honestly can't see a way of this getting better if you don't separate. You'll eventually resent each other at the least if you don't.

Regarding the dogs, I think you need to stop co-owning for the time being. Maybe make a plan for 1-3 months where the dogs stay with one or the other of you while you have some space. Get a dog walker or whatever you need to put in place. It's an extra stress and complication that neither of you need right now.

When she is feeling stronger and everything has calmed down then you can discuss longer term plans for them.