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Original poster

Am I expecting too much?

37 replies

Mum45678 · 10/08/2021 18:26

Partner and I have been living together for 18 months (only officially since a few months ago but he bubbled with us for lockdown). I have two kids which aren't his. He does occasionally help with the kids but we keep that fairly separate so that relationship can develop slowly over time.

He works late (til midnight some nights) and generally isn't an early riser. This morning, I woke up and said I had a bad headache and wasn't feeling well. I got up as normal about 7ish and was trying to get things ready. I was struggling trying to cook breakfast, hang out washing, get kids to eat / dress etc etc. I came up and had a shower. He was still in bed at 8am just playing with his phone. He hadn't worked late last night and was awake. After my shower I told him I didn't have time to make a tea as I was busy and I felt resentful because he could see I was struggling and he didn't do anything to help.

His response is that he does help and that all I have to do is ask. It turned into a major argument with him saying he will leave if I'm not happy with him, he's not good enough and I keep having a go.

OP posts:
atlastifoundit · 10/08/2021 18:30

Why does he expect you to ask for help every time - is he incapable of acting on his own initiative?

Original poster
Mum45678 · 10/08/2021 18:31

@atlastifoundit

Why does he expect you to ask for help every time - is he incapable of acting on his own initiative?
I don't know. I really don't. He used to do stuff more proactively when we first got together. If I ask him, he will often accuse me of nagging.
OP posts:
category12 · 10/08/2021 18:35

Perhaps take him up on the offer to leave. Moving in so fast may have been a mistake.

Babyfg · 10/08/2021 18:36

Call his bluff and tell him he's free to leave if he's throwing threats like that around or be more compassionate. I always think it's ridiculous that we're meant to be the loves of their lives but they'll happily watch us struggle and then play the fool.

Original poster
Mum45678 · 10/08/2021 18:36

He always accuses me of having a go and I wonder if I'm being harsh with him. I've got a lot on my plate - full time job, two kids 6/7 days a week, no family nearby and the last few years have been so hard so I'm always feeling stretched out.

Part of me wonders whether because he has been so great with my kids, I'm ignoring that he is being not great to me.

OP posts:
atlastifoundit · 10/08/2021 18:36

Perhaps he needs to move out again then.

Original poster
Mum45678 · 10/08/2021 18:37

@category12

Perhaps take him up on the offer to leave. Moving in so fast may have been a mistake.
We have been together longer than 18 months but I take your point.
OP posts:
TheFoundations · 10/08/2021 18:40

There's no 'right' level of expectation. You expect what you expect out of a relationship, and you find somebody who meets your requirements.

There are no rules, except the ones you make for yourself about where your boundaries are. It sounds like you know where your boundaries are and he's crossing them, but you lack confidence about enforcing them.

54321nought · 10/08/2021 18:41

I'm missing something. You were up getting your kids up and fed. Why does he need to get up? Its only 8 and he's relaxing. seems reasonable to me

Original poster
Mum45678 · 10/08/2021 18:45

@54321nought

I'm missing something. You were up getting your kids up and fed. Why does he need to get up? Its only 8 and he's relaxing. seems reasonable to me
I'd said I had a headache first thing and wasn't well. Sorry to drip feed but I had quite a bit to get done and my eldest was starting to play up and fight with her sister when I came upstairs to shower. I just thought he could have got up to keep an eye on them so I wasn't interrupted mid shower because they had come to blows over something (or plonked themselves in front of the telly instead of getting ready). I also had to take some of his work washing off the line to hang the clothes out.
OP posts:
Original poster
Mum45678 · 10/08/2021 18:46

I didn't get time to eat in the end and the clothes were half hung out. He made himself a tea and didn't help with any of it.

OP posts:
atlastifoundit · 10/08/2021 18:54

@54321nought

I'm missing something. You were up getting your kids up and fed. Why does he need to get up? Its only 8 and he's relaxing. seems reasonable to me
Because when your partner says they feel ill, and you are lounging about doing fuck all, most nice people would offer some assistance without having to be asked?
54321nought · 10/08/2021 18:54

sorry, I think you are being unreasonable. Your children, your responsibility - he doesn't have to get up early because your children are scrapping, especially as I would assume his body clock is set for a much later rising time. I don't suppose moving his clothing took you more than a second or two

Original poster
Mum45678 · 10/08/2021 18:56

I guess this is my thinking. He seems to think I’m being unreasonable.

I generally don’t ask him to help with the kids unless I have to, they aren’t his responsibility. However when it comes to shared household stuff - washing, bins, dishwasher, the majority still falls to me and he rarely helps without asking.

OP posts:
Palavah · 10/08/2021 19:00

His response is that he does help and that all I have to do is ask

if I ask him he will often accuse me of nagging

There's your issue.

Original poster
Mum45678 · 10/08/2021 19:06

@Palavah

His response is that he does help and that all I have to do is ask

if I ask him he will often accuse me of nagging

There's your issue.

So what do I do? Break up with him? It's probably the right thing to do but it just feels crap.
OP posts:
Original poster
Mum45678 · 10/08/2021 19:07

His other response to nagging is that he will do it but not necessarily to my timeline. He's a total misogynist isn't he?

OP posts:
romany4 · 10/08/2021 19:09

I'd tell him to leave.
It doesn't sound like it will get any better

Palavah · 10/08/2021 19:15

What if you play it back to him?

Really important that you don't reference any help with the kids, but the equal and fair division of housework arising from two adults. You feel you have to ask him to help rather him being proactive, tell him how that makes you feel. If that makes him want to leave then he's free to do that.

loopylu26 · 10/08/2021 19:17

I live with my partner who has his 12 year old half the week. I help when I can, I don't get asked but offer as we're a team and a family unit. Your partner should help especially as you live together and even more so if you don't feel well

SpnBaby1967 · 10/08/2021 19:32

He's meant to be your partner, and that includes helping in the home and if kids are in the home then them too. It's a partnership!!

He's showing you exactly who he is, a man who expects to do whatever he wants when it suits him and if he doesnt want to do it he will accuse you of being a nag to put the blame back on you.

You told him you were unwell, he's not being very kind ignoring you and ignoring the noise from the kids he undoubtedly heard.

Either he wants to be a partner with you and in your life which means helping with your kids, or he wants to be single but with the benefit of a little woman there to cook, clean and shag him but to never utter a word against him.

Get rid, you'll be better off

Fluffymule · 10/08/2021 19:46

Isn't part of being in a relationship about caring about your partner? About their wellbeing being important, wanting them to be ok, to be happy, loved?

What care is he showing you here? You told him you were feeling unwell, he was aware you could have done with some help, some sharing of the load this morning. He chose not to. He didn't want to. And he doesn't like being called out on it, he knows it's shitty.

I think you deserve someone who cares for you, and shows you by his actions rather than dismissive words and accusations of 'nagging'. I'd consider whether a future of more of this is what you really want, he's not going to change.

Original poster
Mum45678 · 10/08/2021 20:50

@Palavah

What if you play it back to him?

Really important that you don't reference any help with the kids, but the equal and fair division of housework arising from two adults. You feel you have to ask him to help rather him being proactive, tell him how that makes you feel. If that makes him want to leave then he's free to do that.

We are supposed to be having a talk tonight when he gets home. I tried to explain to him during the argument that I want him to be more involved with helping with non-kids household stuff.

If he needs help, I'm more than happy to give it. I spent my lunch break helping him get tickets to something but then he decided to play video games and left me to fold the washing / other jobs.

OP posts:
Newestname001 · 11/08/2021 05:44

@Mum45678

I hope your talk went well, OP, and that he's now recognised his lack in actually being a sensitive and supportive partner? Or maybe you've decided you can't put up with his lack of consideration to you and is leaving.

It sounds like he just got too comfortable with you doing everything, eg:

I didn't get time to eat in the end and the clothes were half hung out. He made himself a tea and didn't help with any of it.

This ^ sounds rather mean of him. 🌹

Bananalanacake · 11/08/2021 07:32

Could you live apart but stay in a relationship with him.

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