Am I expecting too much?

[Mum45678]

Partner and I have been living together for 18 months (only officially since a few months ago but he bubbled with us for lockdown). I have two kids which aren't his. He does occasionally help with the kids but we keep that fairly separate so that relationship can develop slowly over time.

He works late (til midnight some nights) and generally isn't an early riser. This morning, I woke up and said I had a bad headache and wasn't feeling well. I got up as normal about 7ish and was trying to get things ready. I was struggling trying to cook breakfast, hang out washing, get kids to eat / dress etc etc. I came up and had a shower. He was still in bed at 8am just playing with his phone. He hadn't worked late last night and was awake. After my shower I told him I didn't have time to make a tea as I was busy and I felt resentful because he could see I was struggling and he didn't do anything to help.

His response is that he does help and that all I have to do is ask. It turned into a major argument with him saying he will leave if I'm not happy with him, he's not good enough and I keep having a go.

However when it comes to shared household stuff - washing, bins, dishwasher, the majority still falls to me and he rarely helps without asking.
There’s your problem, probably unfixable but definitely unacceptable. Don’t take this weight on op, you say you’re already stretched.

I'm confused tbh. I have no time for lazy ass men but I don't really get the issue here.

Were you going to work? Did he assume if you were fit enough for work you weren't feeling that bad? A headache can mean very different things to different people- if it was me in bed and my DP said they had a headache but still got up at 7am doing the usual stuff I'd think they were ok.
Doing a cooked breakfast and laundry aren't urgent tasks which would say to me you weren't that ill. Or feeling well enough to take a shower.

Also if he is used to late night work finishes 8am is extremely early! I would never say 'still in bed' at that time, it's not like it was 11am.

Blended families are hard and you both maybe need to clarify what is expected of him regarding your DCs.

But even if it was just the 2 of you I don't think it's fair to demand that a late shift worker (even on off days) does chores before 8am. I'd leave a DP who demanded that!

I wouldn't expect my partner to deal with my kid's, as he doesn't expect me to deal with his. However if i was feeling really unwell i know he would make me a tea and tell me to relax. But ultimately my children are my responsibility. It was only 8am, i could maybe understand the annoyance it if was midday.

I think you are making it into more of a drama than it needs to be. All you were doing were getting up and getting some breakfast. You didn’t need to “cook” breakfast and I am sure the washing could have waited too. He has been working late and was still in bed at 8am not midday.

I've got up before with a headache and feeling a bit out of sort but capable of getting on with the normal routine, so I agree that you should have been a lot more explicit with your OH that you really needed your help. Ultimately, if you were so unwell, why bother with a cook breakfast, as a one off, you could have done toast or cereals, so if he heard you cooking, it was reasonable to assume that you were ok.

Accuses you of nagging - he's be out of my home on his arse for that alone!!!!!!!

This might help you to frame your thoughts before the you talk to him later. Maybe even show it to him?

www.workingmother.com/this-comic-perfectly-explains-mental-load-working-mothers-bear#page-11

I’m not sure framing it as a working mother’s mental load will help the OP. They’re not his kids so the additional load that comes from motherhood is hers to bear (or share with the kids dad)

Why didn’t you ask him to watch the kids while you had a shower?

If you think he’s a lazy disengaged misogynist prick then obviously dump him. He should certainly be doing an equal share of housework.

But on the particular incident of the headache/kids/shower thing I think you’ve made your life harder by doing things that don’t need doing while feeling ill which might have suggested it was a mild headache rather than anything serious.

Who wants to jump out of bed before 8am to deal with scrapping kids, especially if they’re not yours.

If you’d explicitly asked and he’d said no he’d have been unreasonable, if completely understandable, but you didn’t and sound a bit martyred tbh.

I don’t think you can live with somebody when you have DC and yet still maintain an arrangement where they don’t pitch in and parent them, it’s just never going to work. If he doesn’t want to help out with kid stuff (and I don’t blame him, I wouldn’t want the hassle of somebody else’s kids either!) then you need to live separately and just maintain a relationship that way. If you went to live together then you need to have a firm discussion and agreement that all household chores, including childcare, are shared equally.

@Ivegotanewfridge

I’m not sure framing it as a working mother’s mental load will help the OP. They’re not his kids so the additional load that comes from motherhood is hers to bear (or share with the kids dad)

I don't mean to frame it as mother work, but as domestic labour. If he is happy to help, but only if asked, and only on his own timescale, and only if the OP reminds him but doesn't bag , then this illustration applies. This applies to anyone who sits by while someone else runs themselves ragged maintaining a shared living space.

Nag, not bag, obviously