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Original poster

Cards for sister's ex. WWYD?

32 replies

MydogWillow · 10/08/2021 18:11

OK, sister's relationship with her DP has ended after 4 years. Really nice guy but didn't work out. He has entertained the whole family on a few occasions and we've sent a birthday card/joint Christmas cards previously.

His birthday is coming up. Do I send a card as usual with a "sorry to hear about your breakup" or similar? Or leave it so as not to upset sister?

OP posts:
Todaythiscouldbe · 10/08/2021 18:13

Leave it unless you were friends pre relationship

Wjevtvha · 10/08/2021 18:14

If it’ll upset her then leave it

Myneighboursnorlax · 10/08/2021 18:15

If he’s a nice guy and the break up has only just happened then maybe send a text saying “sorry to hear about you and DS, I hope you’re ok” and then another text wishing him a happy birthday on the day, rather than a physical card. I wouldn’t do the happy birthday and the sorry on the same day/in the same message.

Original poster
MydogWillow · 10/08/2021 18:16

I don't have his mobile number, only his address.

OP posts:
toomuchfaster · 10/08/2021 18:18

Seriously? He is your sister's ex, why would you risk pissing off your sister for no real reason? Unless there is some huge drip feed coming about how you've grown up with him and are closer to him than your sister?

Original poster
MydogWillow · 10/08/2021 18:21

@toomuchfaster

Seriously? He is your sister's ex, why would you risk pissing off your sister for no real reason? Unless there is some huge drip feed coming about how you've grown up with him and are closer to him than your sister?
Lol no drip feed. Just trying to be a nice person and extend our thoughts to him after him being in our lives for some time. A one off closure as it were.
OP posts:
toomuchfaster · 10/08/2021 18:26

You don't need 'closure', you need to be on your sister's side! Just leave it.

Notaroadrunner · 10/08/2021 18:27

No, don't send a card. He's no longer part of your life.

Mummabug18 · 10/08/2021 18:27

Ask your sister...?

Viviennemary · 10/08/2021 18:29

I'd send a card but wouldn't mention the break up.

FelicityPike · 10/08/2021 18:30

Noooooo.

DariaMorgendorffer · 10/08/2021 18:31

I'd say leave it.

Original poster
MydogWillow · 10/08/2021 18:43

We still send a Xmas card to another ex-BIL's parents as they were very kind to us but guess that's different.

OP posts:
layladomino · 10/08/2021 18:46

I'm surprised at how many people say to leave it. If their relationship had ended badly / he'd been abusive or cheated, then of course don't send a card. But if he's a decent person and it just didn't work for them, why would you treat him any differently?

I have ex SILs and ex BIL, ex PIL - we all still send cards on special occasions.

Allthelights · 10/08/2021 18:47

No don’t do it.

mumjustmum · 10/08/2021 19:24

I'd only ever do this if my sister split with her husband, but would be a text not a card. He's the father of my niece and nephews and we all do a lot for one another and get on well.
Unless my sister didn't want me to, then I'd just be polite and nice when I saw him. They've been together nearly ten years though and I hope this never happens!
I'd 100% be supporting my husband to maintain a friendship though if he wanted to of course.

Lovely idea op, but it doesn't sound like you were that close to him or friends in your own right, so I'd let that one go.

gannett · 10/08/2021 19:34

I'd send it. IMO it's a good rule of thumb to keep decent people in your life and to do nice things for them. Even if due to circumstances they might not be in your life to the same extent.

I'd keep it short and to-the-point - "sorry to hear you and X didn't work out, thinking of you, hope you're doing OK". Leaves the ball in his court for future contact which he may or may not feel up to right now.

It doesn't sound like it was hugely acrimonious - if it was I might reconsider.

Original poster
MydogWillow · 10/08/2021 20:57

Interesting replies, thankyou.

OP posts:
AlternativePerspective · 10/08/2021 21:06

I’d send it. I probably wouldn’t even say anything about being sorry about the breakup etc, just send a card.

Unless there is abuse in the picture it is unreasonable to expect family/friends to cut ties with an ex just because you have.

girlmom21 · 10/08/2021 21:11

Given you've said that sending it might upset your sister, I absolutely wouldn't send a card.

If you were absolutely adamant you should send a card, you definitely shouldn't mention the break up. Why would you?

iamyourequal · 10/08/2021 21:13

I would send a card and keep the friendship open. Imagine how the poor guy would feel if he has put in effort to get to know and like your family over the past 4 years, and is then shunned by you all because they grew apart and split it? That would be miserable for him. A birthday card at this stage would be a kind gesture to show you still care.

Potatoy · 10/08/2021 21:14

Depends how it ended. Was it just one of those things. Did he end it and hurt your sister? If she ended it and it was just not working out and there are no hard feelings between them then I think you're OK to send a card this year and send something really neutral saying you wish him well etc. If you really must.

trappistkepler · 10/08/2021 21:18

The circumstances of the breakup might be relevant. If he left her... no. If she left him... maybe but consider that to get over someone a clean break may be the best thing for that person and so even though you mean well, it might be upsetting for him. So overall I wouldn't bother doing it.

Doyoumind · 10/08/2021 21:18

Unless you know for sure it won't be an issue for your sister - which doesn't sound like it's the case - leave it. Why are you so desperate to be kind to him when it means not being kind to your sister? I don't get it.

66babe · 11/08/2021 06:08

What's the big deal? Send a birthday card saying something like " hope you are ok "
Doesn't sound like an acrimonious split and you like him as a person regardless
It's a card ... it just shows that you are not taking on the mentality of ... the relationship ended so of course we all hate you now !

I'd just drop it in passing to sis too ... don't keep it a secret
" have you spoke to xxxx , isn't it his birthday this week , I did drop him a card but we've not spoke "

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