I’m feeling a bit lost and frankly embarrassed about my relationship and don’t feel I can talk to anyone IRL. I feel I need to set some context which maybe explains why I feel so embarrassed. I am very independent, work for a large company, have two of my own homes (mortgaged), work hard, have lots of friends, hobbies, interests. I’m making myself sound like some fantastic person…obviously I have plenty of flaws! Basically what I’m trying to say is I very much have my own life and independence and I wouldn’t really consider myself to be needy in relationships, in the past I’ve often been labelled as the opposite.
I met someone a year or so ago and really fell for him. He has a demanding job too and is often busy with work which suits me fine as I work late and need someone who understands that. But things have unfolded that have made me feel horribly insecure and I don’t know if I’ve suddenly become needy with age or something?! Or if this is a result of his actions or lack of. Examples:
It took him 8 months to tell his family he was seeing me. He would take calls while I was in the house with him staying for a few days, and he would gesture for me to be silent. I would then hear him talk about the weekend and no mention of us having done anything…not even saying the reality of what he’d done at the weekend in terms of the activity we’d done and omitting he was with me, but literally saying he’d not done much all weekend when we’d climbed snowdon or been to the lakes etc. He’s since told them about our relationship but says they never ask him about me or us as that’s just ‘not what they’re like.’ He only had a dad and very autistic brother so no mum around. Not sure if this is a man thing but it’s certainly not how my family are.
He still hasn’t told his friends or colleagues about me and claims this is because he doesn’t like talking about his private life to colleagues and that he wants to tell friends in person and he’s not seen any close friends the last few months (the first few months we were together he said he didn’t want to say until we were established as a couple - fair enough).
He doesn’t follow up with arrangements and the times I’ve decided I won’t bother asking what we will do this week/ weekend, I get a text from him last minute saying ‘are you still free this weekend?’ Like we are basically friends, not a couple? I’ve told him after almost a year and a half the assumption for me would be we see each other at least every weekend unless we are seeing friends or have other plans…we are mid and late 30s, not kids.
He asked me recently if I had any travel plans for summer, as if we wouldn’t be making plans together. He has no plans to go away and no interest in doing so, so it’s not as if he had a lads holiday booked and wanted to encourage me to do the same with my friends.
The times I have been to stay with him he will often cook a lovely meal with things I like, chat over dinner then disappear for 2 hours doing work. I have a hard job and I manage my time around the evenings I have with him and I cannot understand why he doesn’t do the same for me. If it was a one off I would get it but the last time it happened it was the day before we were about to have 2 weeks apart. Even then he couldn’t make the effort to spare a full evening.
When we are apart we do have phone calls sometimes but usually just get one or two texts from him in a day, very short, formal, almost like he’s used a precedent from his phone!! It’s like ‘hi x, hope you are very well…’ like he’s a stranger.
What confuses me is he has been adamant from the start that he wanted a serious relationship that was going somewhere. He said he’d never been with anyone longer than 6 months and he really wanted to have a long term relationship with someone and to have a family. I was clear I felt the same. Yet why do I feel like he has no interest in this?
I don’t want to be wined and dined and travelled everywhere all the time. I have my own money and friends for all that. But I feel like he is quite disrespectful towards us. I don’t understand him because when I bring it up he just says he knows we love each other and he wants the same things as me yet his actions don’t reflect this.
He can be very kind and understanding and caring and obviously those are the reasons I am with him. I just struggle with this and I feel much less confident than I ever have in other relationships. Can anyone relate? Am I being too harsh on him?
Also to be clear he’s never been involved with anyone, I’m not the OW and he’s not cheating as far as I’m aware. He’s just quite a solitary quiet person that I can’t always understand.