Confidence disappeared with new ish man

[Yoppp]

I’m feeling a bit lost and frankly embarrassed about my relationship and don’t feel I can talk to anyone IRL. I feel I need to set some context which maybe explains why I feel so embarrassed. I am very independent, work for a large company, have two of my own homes (mortgaged), work hard, have lots of friends, hobbies, interests. I’m making myself sound like some fantastic person…obviously I have plenty of flaws! Basically what I’m trying to say is I very much have my own life and independence and I wouldn’t really consider myself to be needy in relationships, in the past I’ve often been labelled as the opposite.

I met someone a year or so ago and really fell for him. He has a demanding job too and is often busy with work which suits me fine as I work late and need someone who understands that. But things have unfolded that have made me feel horribly insecure and I don’t know if I’ve suddenly become needy with age or something?! Or if this is a result of his actions or lack of. Examples:

It took him 8 months to tell his family he was seeing me. He would take calls while I was in the house with him staying for a few days, and he would gesture for me to be silent. I would then hear him talk about the weekend and no mention of us having done anything…not even saying the reality of what he’d done at the weekend in terms of the activity we’d done and omitting he was with me, but literally saying he’d not done much all weekend when we’d climbed snowdon or been to the lakes etc. He’s since told them about our relationship but says they never ask him about me or us as that’s just ‘not what they’re like.’ He only had a dad and very autistic brother so no mum around. Not sure if this is a man thing but it’s certainly not how my family are.

He still hasn’t told his friends or colleagues about me and claims this is because he doesn’t like talking about his private life to colleagues and that he wants to tell friends in person and he’s not seen any close friends the last few months (the first few months we were together he said he didn’t want to say until we were established as a couple - fair enough).

He doesn’t follow up with arrangements and the times I’ve decided I won’t bother asking what we will do this week/ weekend, I get a text from him last minute saying ‘are you still free this weekend?’ Like we are basically friends, not a couple? I’ve told him after almost a year and a half the assumption for me would be we see each other at least every weekend unless we are seeing friends or have other plans…we are mid and late 30s, not kids.

He asked me recently if I had any travel plans for summer, as if we wouldn’t be making plans together. He has no plans to go away and no interest in doing so, so it’s not as if he had a lads holiday booked and wanted to encourage me to do the same with my friends.

The times I have been to stay with him he will often cook a lovely meal with things I like, chat over dinner then disappear for 2 hours doing work. I have a hard job and I manage my time around the evenings I have with him and I cannot understand why he doesn’t do the same for me. If it was a one off I would get it but the last time it happened it was the day before we were about to have 2 weeks apart. Even then he couldn’t make the effort to spare a full evening.

When we are apart we do have phone calls sometimes but usually just get one or two texts from him in a day, very short, formal, almost like he’s used a precedent from his phone!! It’s like ‘hi x, hope you are very well…’ like he’s a stranger.

What confuses me is he has been adamant from the start that he wanted a serious relationship that was going somewhere. He said he’d never been with anyone longer than 6 months and he really wanted to have a long term relationship with someone and to have a family. I was clear I felt the same. Yet why do I feel like he has no interest in this?

I don’t want to be wined and dined and travelled everywhere all the time. I have my own money and friends for all that. But I feel like he is quite disrespectful towards us. I don’t understand him because when I bring it up he just says he knows we love each other and he wants the same things as me yet his actions don’t reflect this.

He can be very kind and understanding and caring and obviously those are the reasons I am with him. I just struggle with this and I feel much less confident than I ever have in other relationships. Can anyone relate? Am I being too harsh on him?

Also to be clear he’s never been involved with anyone, I’m not the OW and he’s not cheating as far as I’m aware. He’s just quite a solitary quiet person that I can’t always understand.

@Sakurami

I don't know obviously, but I would suspect that he was on the spectrum and set in his ways. Possibly. Have you asked him to free his evenings when you've been there?

Try and have a frank conversation of how you would like things to be. Ie. To tell his colleagues about you. To free his evenings. To have it presumed that you're going to see each other at weekends and holidays unless otherwise arranged.

@Sakurami I’ve said that I want him to free the evenings when we are together. He totally acknowledges this and gets on board with it then sort of slips into old habits. So it’s not as if he totally ignores me.

The colleagues thing he just doesn’t seem to want to change. No idea why. It’s just very hard yards with him. If I am very clear and don’t back down and I’m calm then he does respond well but it’s exhausting for me.

@Sakurami I also struggle sometimes to stay calm if I’m tired etc as I get frustrated

It's time to move on. Get your sparkle back.

Hmm. All of those sound quite rule based. As in, he's learnt if x is happening then do y, or picked up on patterns. How does he respond if you say you've had a bad day? My ex would apply the same response regardless of how much something was affecting me, so it came across as inauthentic and a bit patronising at times.

Hi OP,

If you search on here you'll find a support thread for people whose partners have high functioning autism (ie partners who are very successful in their careers for instance but who struggle in areas that negatively impact their romantic relationships). I think you'll find slot of similarities to your life.

He may have been absolutely genuine wanting to settle down and may think he has! This may be it. All he is capable of. He may also have said what he thought he was supposed to say in a way that my close relative does in an attempt to 'play the role of someone without autism' (their phrase).

He also sounds like he doesn't switch attention well. But as others have said, the most important thing is how the relationship makes you feel, and that's not looking good :( it's no one's fault, but I would get out before you do something like have dc (speaks from sad experience)

I would be absolutely amazed if he was known as the flirty one or liked the attention. He is so reserved and shy. I could be wrong of course, it takes all sorts doesn’t it…but that image just doesn’t ring true for me.

Mine was the same, until I saw him in a work video, sent to him by a collegue after some work event thing, much later on in our relationship. he opened it when I was there, so of course we watched it. I was a bit WTF.
Not saying yours is the same, but I don't get the anonymising at work thing. Mine would make excuses for me not to pick him up from work if we were meeting for lunch and things like that, before I realised he hadn't mentioned me! I just hadn't considered I was a secret until I started putting bits together. Then I just jumped to all sorts of conclusions and he came out with the 'I'm a private person' line.

I still don't know how much he told them, they did know about me in the end but I'll never forget being referred to as his 'lady friend' at some function we went to together by a collegue who apparntly works very close with him every day. yet didn't know my name. Again, I was a bit WTF. I got out shortly after.
And it really made me question myself, and actually made me feel pretty shit, as though I was a dirty little secret or something. I want a man who is proud to be with me and proud to tell everyone he is with me.

I think you need to bring it up with him and see what he says once he knows how its bothering you.

He's in his 30s, not uncommon for asd/autistic folk that age to have learned the 'correct' response to social situations. My bffs son was taught this by about 7,and in fact was one of the reasons she struggled with getting him diagnosed.

I almost wish I hadn’t mentioned his brother in my OP as I don’t think people would be suggesting autism without that comment?

Well if he isnt on the spectrum then I would find his behaviour really disrespectful and wouldn't want to be ina relationship with him.

If he is on the spectrum then I would talk to people and find out how best to deal with it. I would understand it more

Ask him to go away with you for a few days or a week to see how you both feel about being together 24/7 without any other outside influences ie work etc. My other half and I were long distance for just over a year then we decided to do a week abroad together to see how we would manage, yes Its different on holiday more relaxed etc but it can bring up all sorts of things you were not aware of. For us we were lucky and it prompted us to change locations and move in together but we had already discussed the implications of the holiday and were prepared to stay long distance for another 6 months to a year.

@Sakurami

Well if he isnt on the spectrum then I would find his behaviour really disrespectful and wouldn't want to be ina relationship with him.

If he is on the spectrum then I would talk to people and find out how best to deal with it. I would understand it more

@Sakurami good point!

Sounds like he has compartmentalised you. You are meeting his needs but he is not meeting yours.

What a shame for both of you to end it before having the conversation. It's him, not you but people can change if it means enough to them.

many people compartmentalise their lives and they are very happy that way!
I have a friend that doesn't even like mixing groups of friends! she has her work friends and her school friends and her hobby friends and she would be horrified if you suggested meeting someone from another "group". I have no idea why this is as it's not something I personally do!
One of my work colleagues always avoided the question about what he'd done at the weekend/holidays and he certainly never ever talked about his home life at work, but I know (from other LGBT colleagues) he was a well liked, active member of the LGBT community. I don't know why he felt like he couldn't/didn't want to discuss his whole self at work but that was his decision, and we respected it.

However, I didn't tell my family I was dating my partner for about 6 months - both my sister and mum didn't like my ex, and my mum is a bit anti-men and to be honest, I didn't want to deal with either of them making comments/snarky remarks etc while I was starting a relationship I didn't know was even going to go anywhere long term, that being said, they do like him now and always ask after him when I talk to them, so I guess a different situation to the OP.
Unfortunately some people are very self absorbed - my partners mum suffers with mental ill health and is completely unaware of everyone else's mere existence, doesn't even think to ask after her grandchildren, let alone me! - it says more about her than it does about me, so I don't let it bother me!

You need to be honest that you're not getting what you need from this relationship at the moment - having never made it past the 6 month point before, he may be completely unaware of how relationships evolve naturally over time, and that any of these things are bothering you, but you also need to be prepared that might be just the way he is and he might not be willing/able to do anything about some of them.
either way, I guess you'll have the information you need to make the decision whether or not it's the right relationship for you or not!
Good luck!

It dos’nt sound like hes emotionally invested in the relationship

And certainly moving in together is not going to change that. I’d let him go if I were you since hes damaged your self esteen. A well balanced relationship is healthy for you not like you have described on here.

(but you could do some work on your self worth at the same time )

I went out with a guy for 18 months who never mentioned me to his family or friends, never invited me to his house, was very casual about plans, made me second guess everything, caused me so much emotional turmoil and made me feel like he didn't really care.

Separately I found out he was autistic.

The two might have nothing to do with each other.

@MidLifeResurgence74

I went out with a guy for 18 months who never mentioned me to his family or friends, never invited me to his house, was very casual about plans, made me second guess everything, caused me so much emotional turmoil and made me feel like he didn't really care.

Separately I found out he was autistic.

The two might have nothing to do with each other.

@MidLifeResurgence74 did you address any of these things and if so what response did you get? I’ve never felt so confused by a relationship

Many many times! He just used to say ‘I’m private’ and ‘why should anyone else know?’ I longed for ‘normal’ which he found strange. We went away once together only for me to find out he’d booked a twin room saying ‘I want a good night’s sleep’. All this fixed thinking and little flexibility I found very hard.

I would have assumed autistic without the mention of brother's diagnosis tbh. As does his dad with the very set routine which lacks external social interactions.

I think you need to be much more clear what your needs and wants are. "Free up the evenings" obviously means one thing to you and a complete different thing to him (it seems he views it as freed up time to get tasks done). It's vague and assumes he knows what you mean. "I'd like you to spend the time with me doing x, y or z rather than vanishing off to do something alone" would be much clearer.

When you say "have you told your colleagues about me?", he answers honestly. But you actually mean "I'd like it if you told your colleagues about me". Those subtleties of meanings can be lost on someone with asd - things can be taken very literally for some people. You got the answer to your actual surface question, rather than what you meant as that was a hidden meaning.

My dh is not asd diagnosed, but does not get hidden or subtleties of meanings at all! Me: "garden looks a bit of a mess", meaning we need to do something about the garden soon and let's open up a conversation about when to do it. Him: "yes, it is" and off he goes to make a cup of tea.

It's not his communication skill that's an issue, but mine. I need to understand what he hears is exactly what I say, not what I mean. Once I got that, life became a lot less confusing for both of us!

If you feel insecure in your relationship despite being very independent and confident, I would guess this is not the best guy for you. I was in a LTR where very slowly I lost sense of myself and confidence despite being incredibly independent and confident previously. You should not be doubting yourself in any case.

I am a bit private with my current relationship too but there is a reason to it and I slowly speak about my boyfriend to wider groups of friends and family (only 5months knowing my BF)

Autism or not you're not in what you or many of us consider to be a healthy loving partnership and I suspect you're going to struggle for him to even 'get' what you mean when you try to talk to him about all this as he takes things literally by the sound of it. As a PP has said, he probably thinks he is giving you exactly what you wanted.

@Dozer

Sounds like you put up with some ‘red flags’early on, and - understandably - dislike his behaviours.

Would walk away!

Same. Is this really what you want for yourself?

Being marginalised / minimised by your 'partner' is soul destroying. Even worse if you are more invested.