Is it time to end things?

[Whogotdakeystomabeamer]

I am fed up to the back teeth of bearing the mental load 24/7 with DH completely unaware.
I could write a list as long as my arm about the things he doesn't see/completely misses/or is incapable of doing.
He honestly must think fairies appear in the middle of the night to organise, sort, clean, plan, prepare etc.
It's not that he's lazy (really!), he is just truly ignorant or oblivious.
Is it even possible for someone to suddenly learn or for me to get through to him at all?
Is it worth ending the relationship over? I feel like I'm doing everything anyway, so why not just be on my own doing it all, with one less mouth to feed and one less person to clean up after.
The imbalance causes resentment and a lack of respect which makes him appear less than attractive to me, and so the sexual desire is all but gone too.
Has anyone managed to pull it back from here? I wouldn't even know where to start.

Maybe give him the chance, talk to him about it?

Could you try giving him one (large) task, such as the cooking or laundry, rather than expecting him to start seeing all the little bits and pieces that need doing?

That task could be entirely his responsibility with no help from you. He may find it tricky at first, but will soon get the hang of it when he has no clean pants or you're eating beans on toast for the second night in a row!

I try and raise issues when they arise, he says he'll do more, sometimes does for a day or two and then back to square one. It's just so exhausting.

Rota?

@Whogotdakeystomabeamer

I try and raise issues when they arise, he says he'll do more, sometimes does for a day or two and then back to square one. It's just so exhausting.

That's why I suggested completely delegating one large task, rather than something vague like "agreeing to do more".

What does he bring to the relationship?

It sounds worryingly as though you may have the ick if all sexual desire is gone.
Children?

That's why I suggested completely delegating one large task, rather than something vague like "agreeing to do more".

Sorry, I was vague there. When he agrees to do more, it is regarding a specific task.
For example - I told him I need him to wash up in the evenings as I cook every single night.
He will do it once and then the next night just doesn't. I end up just doing it as its easier (or it feels easier at the time) than having the same conversation over and over.
If I say can we alternate who cooks, he'll just buy microwave meals or oven pizzas on his nights.
We have 2 young children.

Resentment. You’ve said the word that ends a relationship.

Rather than having the same conversation over and over again, you need to stop doing the things he has agreed to do! Let the washing up pile up until he does it but don't do it yourself!

I had this.He had lived with his df who was retired so food cleaning etc was done for him When we moved in made made it clear I wouldn't do all the chores.
He chose bins,bathroom,gardening.
Time went on we had dc and I did all the cooking.Eventually I started going out so that he would cook.Sometimes I was at work so he had too.
Decades on I have a manchild.Someone who doesn't think for himself.
Only the other week he was in a foul mood.
Turned out it was because he had to reheat hotdogs and I was already off work.i did all the chores.!
Depends what you want.

So he wont even cook when it is his turn to cook. It isnt about not knowing then is it? It IS laziness and misogyny. He is insisting the mental load and home running is your job and even if you give him part of the role he will do it so badly you wont ask again.

So you sit down with him with no distractions. You explain how his laziness and sexist attitude around the house is making him unattractive to you and you have considered leaving the relationship. If he doesn't change his attitude towards you and his children and his responsibilities to the family, you cannot see yourself having any respect left for him.

Ask why he thinks everything about the home and family life should be on you. Expect every answer to be sexism. His mum did it. He works hard. He doesn’t see it. All nonsense. Of course he sees it. He just ignores it as he considers himself above it.

Together write up all the daily, weekly, monthly, yearly jobs that need doing. Ensure he contributes and you don't just write the list, as he will actually need to think about them. Then you’ll see he does know what they are. Not just chores. Everything that makes up family life.

Make sure that list contains all elements of parenting: feeding the children a balanced meal, teaching the children key life skills, washing the children, reading to them or with them every night, buying their clothes, sorting their school bags, checking their homework, finding interesting days out, finding holidays, enabling their hobbies….

Ensure you have buying gifts for all the family, birthdays and Christmas. Sorting birthday parties. Sorting Christmas.

Then ask what he consistently does now from the list to contribute to family life.

Then, if at this point you still find him attractive and want to continue the relationship, and you're not angry and done with him because you've seen, written down, how poor a husband and father he actually is, you can give him a highlighter and ask him to highlight what he will now be responsible for.

I dispute the defence that he's ignorant of it. He knows there's washing up every time you cook. Of course he does. Even if he were blind, that's a daily pattern he can anticipate. He knows but pretends not to, don't fall for the bull!

It reads as if all the jobs are by default yours, and he only does anything if you delegate. That attitude would totally grate on me.

Yeah. Reading back I think you're right. I've probably tried to minimise the shitty behaviour by lying to myself that he doesn't realise. Of course he does, doesn't he. He's not an idiot.
I don't even know where to go from here, I feel livid this morning.
I just tried to speak to him about it - his reply was 'you'll feel better later'.
I'm raging. I'm going to go to the gym to simmer down and try to articulate myself without letting rip.

Oh my god. Reading that I just think what a fucking baby. I had one of these, didn't 'see mess', did absolutely nothing. When asked to do something made a complete mess of it (think ruining items/causing permanent damage/breaking things/actually causing harm to child) so that he was never asked again. Feels deliberate. I remember once he said he would wash up, so I left it. It was "I'll do it in the morning" then "I'll do it later" days it was, kitchen covered in dirty plates and cutlery, every item used, literally nothing left undirtied, I broke and did it. Obvs he is a long ago ex, but it still bothers me. What's wrong with these people? Is it ignorance? Misogyny? Disrespect? Stupidity? They hate you? What??
My now DH pulls more than his weight without even being asked. Jointly carries the mental and housework load, parents DC (not biologically his) far better than their bio dad (same guy as above) who we havent seen for years. I suspect DH is a needle in a haystack though and he doesn't deserve a medal either for just doing what he should do in a partnership.
Some of the suggestions on this thread are well meaning but should you have to baby him into giving him tasks he is 'capable of'? Writing out lists for him like he's a teen? Begging him to help you? How is that a partnership?
I understand how you're livid, I'm angry just reading about him. In your shoes I would reconsider the marriage. In my unfortunate experience, once you resent someone that's it done. When another adult is more than capable of helping you but chooses not to- how can you come back from that? Don't make yourself ill with suppressed anger and stress, it's really bad for your health. Get rid and enjoy a healthier, happier life

Sometimes you need to let rip.
If you want to stay with him and he wants to stay with you, explain very simply what he needs to do and within what time frame, and explain the consequences of not doing.

My husband was like this (apart from the time he developed OCD), we split 3 years ago and you know what, he hasn't died of starvation and from what my DD tells me his house is pretty clean.

Everyone knows about housework and the mental load but sone choose to leave it all to their partners.

The feeling of freedom when you're not weighed down with having a twat of a partner is amazing.
Yes you have 100% of the chores and the mental load but what you don't have is resentment.

The fact he has brushed you off shows that he doesn't respect you, no doubt if you bring it up again he'll blame your hormones/period.

He does not want to change, only you can change so you either accept life as it is or split up.

Once resentment sets in and that person makes no effort to turn things around it's a slippery downhill slope from there . My ex was like this he would always say he would ' wash up later ' come 10pm still not done ' oh I can't do it now I'm too tired ' . Day after day that lack of thought and selfishness just wears you down and you get so angry and frustrated you can't bear them touching you . It affects all areas of marriage not just the state of the house .

"You'll feel better later" - "shut up until you've calmed down woman".

Hes not hearing you. He doesn't want to. The status quo suits him.

'you'll feel better later' - what a patronising twat!!

A pp said, resentment kills relationships, and I agree.

It's not that he 'can't' do it, ie the washing up, he chooses not to. That to me shows a complete lack of respect for you. He knows you're upset by this, yet continues to do the thing he knows upsets you. Washing up isn't long winded or taxing, you're not asking him to redecorate the house in 24 hrs, you're asking him to spend 15 minutes doing something that will (and I hate using this term) 'help' you.

You could down tools where he's concerned and simply cook and clean for your dc and yourself, but this seems like fun to start with, but then becomes very passive aggressive. Maybe a talk and a clear, fair rota, if he doesn't stick to it, he's had fair warning, you then get your ducks in a row

"Why, what will have changed later?"

Boundaries: tell the person once what's bothering you, calmly. Observe their subsequent behaviour. If they continue to do the thing that bothers you, then that thing is more important to them than you feeling ok. Distance yourself from that person.

It's pretty clear where his priorities are, and it's pretty clear what you need to do as a result. Otherwise you are complicit in his 'minimise her feelings' agenda, and are minimising your own feelings.

I’ve think a lot of us have felt like this at times. I have to varying degrees - I think most women do in relationships because it’s an ongoing battle to redefine our roles -women are not responsible for all of this and men continue to be raised to think that we are. Ive had to have conversations about the split of the load at times. The difference with my DH is that he has taken it on board fully and hasn’t been dismissive. He realises. As a consequence he does loads in the house.

However, still not the same as me. I think some of it is ignorance / not caring about certain jobs. Cleaning the skirting boards, washing the windows - 2 examples but there are loads. It wouldn’t occur to him to clean these. I think if he lived alone they wouldn’t be done. Ever. But I totally agree with others about the other jobs - all the other tasks your DH 100% is aware of and he chooses to ignore them because he knows you will do them anyway. It is disrespectful and shows a lack of care for you. You make a meal for him and he walks away and expects you to wash up. Such a small thing in the grand scheme of life but it carries so much weight and highlights the lack of regard he has for you sadly.

I agree with @JulesCobb - you need to sit down and have that conversation with him before you end things.

@MrsBumm

"Why, what will have changed later?"

He is being dismissive. I hate this. He thinks she’ll calm down and it will all go back to normal later

And regardless of your decision - you need to stop doing things for him so much. Don’t make him dinner, don’t wash his dishes, don’t do his washing. He will soon realise