Is it time to end things?

[Whogotdakeystomabeamer]

I am fed up to the back teeth of bearing the mental load 24/7 with DH completely unaware.
I could write a list as long as my arm about the things he doesn't see/completely misses/or is incapable of doing.
He honestly must think fairies appear in the middle of the night to organise, sort, clean, plan, prepare etc.
It's not that he's lazy (really!), he is just truly ignorant or oblivious.
Is it even possible for someone to suddenly learn or for me to get through to him at all?
Is it worth ending the relationship over? I feel like I'm doing everything anyway, so why not just be on my own doing it all, with one less mouth to feed and one less person to clean up after.
The imbalance causes resentment and a lack of respect which makes him appear less than attractive to me, and so the sexual desire is all but gone too.
Has anyone managed to pull it back from here? I wouldn't even know where to start.

‘You’ll feel better later ‘ is just like the infuriating ‘are you due on ?’ Grrr

@Shellfishblastard

And regardless of your decision - you need to stop doing things for him so much. Don’t make him dinner, don’t wash his dishes, don’t do his washing. He will soon realise

He doesn't need to realise. He knows.

This type of man doesn't like it when the housework bot malfunctions. Some affect a temporary repair (doing more stuff for a couple of days) and then expects a swift return to the status quo.

@Whogotdakeystomabeamer

I just tried to speak to him about it - his reply was 'you'll feel better later'.

And there it is. This ^ is what he thinks of you. Flipping you the bird, essentially. Can you bear to spend much more if your life with someone who is so dismissive of you?

Reread the excellent post by @Rosequartz7 and please re-evaluate what you really are getting from this relationship. Is it really enough?

Maybe you could consider pulling back, especially where you are doing things that will noticeably affect his own comfort.

In the meantime discreetly see what your life would be if you decided, in the future, to separate from him. What are your joint and personal finances like? Mortgage? Pension? Savings? Salary? Get your ducks in a row so you have the information you need if the situation doesn't improve in a timeframe you've set yourself.

And be prepared for the fact that he will protect himself at a cost to you because, to some degree, he's already doing that.

Yes by all means have the serious conversation. Maybe consider relationship counselling if think he'll agree (or go alone if not). But also explore what avenues are open to you if things don't improve.

Good luck, OP. 🌹

yes exactly @Shellfishblastard I was suggesting she calls him out on his dismissiveness by asking him what he's going to change "later" which would cause her to feel better...getting him to say out loud that he plans to change nothing and expects her to just get over it!

He's being so dismissive of you with that comment OP. Why do some men think this is ok????! As others have said, they do know that there are jobs to be done, but they choose to ignore it. My dh knows how to play it, he does jobs like the washing up and hanging out washing on the line, but really it's the bare minimum, just enough so I can't have a go at him for doing 'nothing.' How long do those things take fgs, 10 minutes? That's it! And to make matters worse, he'll tell me to leave the washing up, but he leaves it til the morning when he noisily bangs the plates and cups around at 6.30am after keeping me awake all night with his snoring!!! And sometimes when I lie there thinking 'oh well at least the washing up is done' I'll come down and find he's just moved things from out of the sink on to the side, still not even done!!!! Resentment and dislike really do set in, and there's no way back from that. Either tell him exactly how you feel and sort out a way to even out the work, or tell him you've had enough and this behaviour has made you not want to continue with this relationship as it is only bringing you stress.

"You'll feel better later". Yes you will, when you divorce the twat.

Sounds like a leap? But men like this rarely change. Do you want to put up with it or not, that's your choice.

In short, men like this think domestic chores are demeaning because they are meant to be done by a secondary subspecies of human (or women as they are otherwise known). Essentially he is saying "I am too good to pick up my own shit ... but you can do it, that's what you're there for."

I repeat, do you want to put up with that? I for one would rather be alone.

I have one of these men who do not life a finger and it is a problem. I have free rein with our family business income, however, so I think nothing of ordering a takeaway / buying some perfume which is my latest addiction/ or clothes to cheer myself up. In a strange way I suppose I pay myself for being the family cleaner / dogsbody. It is a temporary relief while I decide what to do next. It is far from ideal. Also I carry all of the childcare load while my husband works. It is a struggle tbh. Talking to him doesn't help. I can see why 1950s women turned to valium. I dont like the example i am giving to my children.

@Baberuthie

I have free rein with our family business income, however, so I think nothing of ordering a takeaway / buying some perfume which is my latest addiction/ or clothes to cheer myself up. In a strange way I suppose I pay myself for being the family cleaner / dogsbody.

Perhaps consider starting your own private "rainy day fund" which might come in useful if you decide to part ways in the future? Not to be used for repairing broken appliances though. 🌹

Right, well we've had a full day of arguing/talking to be honest.
At first he was fixated on individual tasks ie the washing up, because I used that as an example. I kept saying IT'S NOT EVEN JUST ABOUT THE WASHING UP!!! IT'S ABOUT THE DISRESPECT.
How he didn't understand, I do not know.
Anyway, I went out for a few hours and drafted a text - not ideal no, but I was able to articulate my points clearly and without interruption.
I think the message finally drilled home. He seemed shocked to be honest, although again, how? I do not know.
He has promised change, said he has heard me loud and clear, and promised to "do better", whatever that means.
We shall see, but I won't be holding my breath.

Fingers crossed for you OP!

Maybe spend the next week keeping track of everything he does and everything you do? Ask him to do the same. Might be an eye opener.

Don't let it go this time @Whogotdakeystomabeamer

You can no longer think 'he just doesn't see it' as you've written it out loud and clear. So if he fails to do his share then he is choosing to do so. And please remind him that it is his share. It isn't helping you or helping out, it's being an adult and looking after his own family / home.

Don't let it drop. If he starts to fail, ask him if he would want to live with someone who expected him to work harder than them? Someone who treated him like a skivvy? Someone who showed such disrespect? Tell him how unattractive it is, and that each time he lets you down you fancy him a bit less.

Hopefully that will shock him in to seeing sense and acting like a grown up.

If you have cooked dinner on the understanding that he will wash up, don’t let him off with it. If he leaves the dirty dishes and walks off, stop him. “Where the fuck do you think you’re going, DH, the sink is this way?”
If he fails to do an agreed task one day, then retaliate by withdrawing your labour the next day. For example, if he hasn’t hoovered, then wash your and the DC’s clothes but leave all his in the laundry bin.
You need to be relentless with this - he will be hoping you’ll give up and normal slave service will be resumed eventually. You have to show that you are more determined that it won’t.
You will either successfully house train him, or fail and end up divorcing him in resentment and fury. My money is on the latter, but I wish you luck!