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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

50/50 custody when one parent has been the main caregiver

60 replies

thinkingSilver · 09/08/2021 19:33

Please can I have some advice.
I have read that courts automatically give 50/50 custody most of the time now. It’s not a case of children going every second weekend to the father anymore.
My question is, will the father get 50/50 custody if this is what he is requesting? Even though I have always been the main caregiver? I work three days a week and get up every single morning with the children, I look after them every school holiday (I work in education), I cook three meals for them every day, do their laundry, arrange all their play dates, take them to all their activities - ranging from water babies when they were babies to gymnastics, piano and brownies and what not now that they are older.
They are 6 and 11. I would be devastated if a 50/50 custody agreement was given, because my whole life is around the children. I do so much for them. For many years I haven’t worked and now I work part time for the past 3.5 years. I have a very small pension as a result.

If he insists on 50/50 custody, will he get it?
(He would have to employ a nanny anyway as he works a long hours city job in finance).

Also, how will domestic violence affect custody of the children. I called the police in May when he lost his temper badly and it was extremely violent on his part, although he did not physically touch me. But there were many other incidences like this in the first half of 2020 and end of 2019 which I did not call the police.
He has never lost his temper with the children badly so I wouldn’t say they are in danger but then again, he has never looked after them for one full day?! He might if they stay with him for a length of time.

Custody- please share your thoughts about this.

We are just in the early stages of divorce. He has sent a draft petition for divorce from his solicitor to me.

Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
Daydrambeliever · 09/08/2021 19:58

Ordinarily courts would try to keep things on an even keel as much as they can for small children so that would involve more time with the primary care giver. If it can be shown that it is not in the children's best interest to have 50/50 contact arrangement then it won't happen. If you disagree on contact you will be referred to CAFCASS and will likely need to attend a mediation meeting. Don't panic.

Original poster
thinkingSilver · 09/08/2021 20:07

Thanks for the reply. At the moment I’m making notes every day of what time he gets up (late!), when he leaves for work, what I do with the children and where we go, what time he comes home in the evening (late!) etc.
Will this be helpful? Will anyone ever read this? I’m worried that if they are on their own with him, they will basically be unattended until he decides to get out of bed. And that isn’t right. And what will happen is that the 11 year old will ‘mother’ the 6 year old.

OP posts:
Notnowkate · 09/08/2021 20:11

I'm a little lost as to why both parents shouldn't have 50 50 custody. They both created the children equally. Unless there are concerns about safety or violence why shouldn't father's have equal custody? The children are not property owned more by one parent. All too often courts favour the mother over the father and it seems unfair if there's no legitimate reason a father shouldn't have equal access to the children. It's not about who does more for them.

SwanShaped · 09/08/2021 20:14

I think the diary is a good idea. 50/50 custody doesn’t sound like it would be workable unless he went part time in his job. Does he want 50/50?

Polmuggle · 09/08/2021 20:20

@Notnowkate

I'm a little lost as to why both parents shouldn't have 50 50 custody. They both created the children equally. Unless there are concerns about safety or violence why shouldn't father's have equal custody? The children are not property owned more by one parent. All too often courts favour the mother over the father and it seems unfair if there's no legitimate reason a father shouldn't have equal access to the children. It's not about who does more for them.
But there is abuse?
Rainbowqueeen · 09/08/2021 20:27

Completely disagree @Notnowkate.
Living arrangements should focus on what is in the best interests of the children. Giving them stability and security.
I would view a man who has avoided taking an active role in his children’s upbringing who wants 50-50 as doing so to avoid paying maintenance.

Op I would definitely fight for what you believe is in the best interests of your children and frame all your arguments that way. It is in their interests to maintain a relationship with their dad and EOW plus one night midweek is a common arrangement. Also please don’t forego your fair share of marital assets. Mom not sure if you have had legal advice but women’s aid has a list of solicitors with experience in helping women deal with abusive partners. I’d have a chat with them.
Best wishes.

Original poster
thinkingSilver · 09/08/2021 20:30

Last year when he filed for divorce he did say he was planning to take the children 50/50. It didn’t go through as I tried so hard to save the marriage with counselling and absolutely everything.
I don’t know yet what he is going to say this time.
The other complication is that our youngest, age 6, has been on the waiting list for over a year and finally has an assessment slot end of September. She most definitely has Aspergers or high functioning ASD.
She can’t cope with change at all. Her behaviour, emotional development and social interaction is already so difficult. I’m worried for her.

OP posts:
cheeseismydownfall · 09/08/2021 20:31

@Notnowkate

I'm a little lost as to why both parents shouldn't have 50 50 custody. They both created the children equally. Unless there are concerns about safety or violence why shouldn't father's have equal custody? The children are not property owned more by one parent. All too often courts favour the mother over the father and it seems unfair if there's no legitimate reason a father shouldn't have equal access to the children. It's not about who does more for them.
Are you seriously suggesting that 50/50 care with a parent who has done virtually no hands-on parenting in over a decade, and who has a history of violent behaviour, is in the best interest of the children?

Personally I think 50/50 care is a massive, unevidenced social experiment which is driven by parents' men's rights and has very little to do with giving children the stability and security they need to thrive.

Oswin · 09/08/2021 20:31

@Notnowkate

I'm a little lost as to why both parents shouldn't have 50 50 custody. They both created the children equally. Unless there are concerns about safety or violence why shouldn't father's have equal custody? The children are not property owned more by one parent. All too often courts favour the mother over the father and it seems unfair if there's no legitimate reason a father shouldn't have equal access to the children. It's not about who does more for them.
Did you even read the ops post? You focus on who owns the children and making sure the father has equal access. Absolutely nothing about the needs of the children.
Original poster
thinkingSilver · 09/08/2021 20:32

Thanks. So helpful

OP posts:
TirisfalPumpkin · 09/08/2021 20:33

Do you also have a solicitor at this stage? You need good legal advice from someone who knows all the ins and outs of your situation.

The violence is very concerning (even if it's violence towards objects/walls and not a person) - the more of a paper trail you have around this, the better. Can you write down the dates and times / details of the other violent incidents?

I don't think it's 'automatic' 50:50, rather that's the starting point, before other considerations come into play. He won't get it just because he wants it; the best interests of the children are meant to be prioritised over the wants of the parents.

Please ignore fathers4justice 'the courts favour the mother!' up there. There are some knowledgeable posters on here who will be able to help you.

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 09/08/2021 20:34

I’d say if he is abusive then he certainly shouldn’t have unsupervised contact, let alone 50-50.

However,

My DH and I have 50-50 during holiday periods and 60-40 term time with his exWand her DH. During mediation they were advised not to discuss custody in terms of what they wanted or what would upset them, but to focus solely on the needs of the child.

This part of your post made me think of that:

“I would be devastated if a 50/50 custody agreement was given, because my whole life is around the children. I do so much for them. For many years I haven’t worked and now I work part time for the past 3.5 years. I have a very small pension as a result.”

Lots of i statements. Very little about what your children would want or what’s best for them.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, you having more custody may well be better for them. But my advice when discussing with professionals is to keep it child focused at all times. Good luck.

ShitShop · 09/08/2021 20:37

If it’s any consolation he is using the threat of 50/50 to scare you as a continuation of his abuse. He doesn’t actually want to parent them 50/50 or to pay a nanny (it would probably cost him more in nanny’s fees than in maintenance, so he’s just being spiteful.)

Although a massive gamble, your best bet might be to agree to 50/50, be totally compliant on that score and say how great it will be to be able to work more and earn more money for your future. It will give you 3/4 nights a week to go out on dates etc. He’ll backtrack quicker than you can say “narcissistic abusive twat”.

But if you have a good solicitor who is confident they can put your case then trust the process and decide to make peace with whatever happens at the end of it. Flowers

Bretoony · 09/08/2021 20:37

How will domestic violence affect custody of the children. I called the police in May when he lost his temper badly and it was extremely violent on his part, although he did not physically touch me. But there were many other incidences like this in the first half of 2020 and end of 2019 which I did not call the police.

History of violent behaviour is stretching it a bit.

SuperCaliFragalistic · 09/08/2021 20:41

He probably won't actually want 50/50 because it will impact too much on his lifestyle/income. He may threaten it but likely will be happy with about 20/80 when reality strikes. There's no way he will be able to maintain your current level of attention on the children (clubs, activities, home cooked meals etc) and if he actually cares about their welfare he'll realise that. Stay calm and go to mediation knowing that you'll do fine. Try to to battle him at this stage though - let him come to the decision without it being forced on him if you can.

SuperCaliFragalistic · 09/08/2021 20:44

And I agree with pp who said this isn't about you and all you've sacrificed vs him and his lazy man-ways. You have to focus on the children.

kittenkipping · 09/08/2021 20:47

I don't think a court would award 50/50 where one parent would be using a nanny to cover childcare UNLESS that was the norm pre separation.

In my sisters case she was also awarded "first refusal" re childcare- which means on her ex h time , if he can't have the children as he's working- he has to offer them to her before palming them off on his mother/ friends/ etc. This was to maintain the children's status quo and stability as far as possible and as they were used to being with her when he worked that was deemed what would be in the best interest of the kids going forward. It's been years and his time with them is minimal. He went for 50/50 despite his full time job just to spite her. He lowered his hours and promised that his shifts would support his new childcare responsibilities. The first refusal thing meant that as soon as that predictably fell through- she got majority care by default. I do not know of this is the norm and still possible though. But worth speaking to your solicitor about

Original poster
thinkingSilver · 09/08/2021 20:51

Genuinely appreciate all the replies. Yes, I am genuinely concerned for the children and will remove the “I” statements. It really is about them and I am worried what would happen if they were on their own with him for days - just because he is so hands off with their care.
Yes, I have a solicitor at this early stage. I have met with them once so far and they have replied to his solicitor’s draft petition for divorce.
One poster said about a history of violent behaviour being questionable. I also don’t know if there is enough of a history of domestic violence. But the police are fully aware and they did a very good job in May. Also, GP has records of this too.
I will trust the process and hopefully he will come to the conclusion that he don’t want and couldn’t practically look after them 50/50.

It is 8:51pm and he is still not home. No message no nothing.

OP posts:
CatMuffin · 09/08/2021 20:53

It would be madness for him to employ a nanny to do much of his share of 50:50 when you would be happy to provide the care in a nanny's place and the kids would prefer this

Original poster
thinkingSilver · 09/08/2021 20:57

Yes, it would be madness for him to employ a nanny bit as part of his little midlife crisis, he could quit his high profile job and start working for himself from home.

OP posts:
Notnowkate · 09/08/2021 21:04

Oswin yes I did read the op. It says there has been violent behaviour but he's never been physically violent. I'm sure you can see the inconsistency. Wink

TheCrowening · 09/08/2021 21:09

I work within the family courts and I hardly ever see 50/50 orders made, but whether things are different in other regions I don’t know. A solicitor could give you a good idea.

SwanShaped · 09/08/2021 21:23

He’s not going to want 50/50. He probably just said that to upset you. As someone mentioned previously. If he’s not been interested in looking after them so far, he won’t start now. I’m sure you have enough evidence to get the courts to prioritise your kids’ stability and see what would work best.

RedMarauder · 09/08/2021 21:32

I've sent you a PM.

Embracelife · 09/08/2021 21:55

Maybe he will start learning to care for them
They are not babies
They will be able to tell you what happens

To play drvils advocate....it could be beneficial if They finally get to spend time with their father
He won't be aBle to be hands off if They staying with him ...

Don't fear it.
See how it goes.

That you took them to water babies is not relevant is it?

What will his side of the story be?
Will judge see a 6 yr and 11 yr old and wonder why they cannot spend time with their father?
Are the kids actually scared of him?