50/50 custody when one parent has been the main caregiver

[thinkingSilver]

Please can I have some advice.
I have read that courts automatically give 50/50 custody most of the time now. It’s not a case of children going every second weekend to the father anymore.
My question is, will the father get 50/50 custody if this is what he is requesting? Even though I have always been the main caregiver? I work three days a week and get up every single morning with the children, I look after them every school holiday (I work in education), I cook three meals for them every day, do their laundry, arrange all their play dates, take them to all their activities - ranging from water babies when they were babies to gymnastics, piano and brownies and what not now that they are older.
They are 6 and 11. I would be devastated if a 50/50 custody agreement was given, because my whole life is around the children. I do so much for them. For many years I haven’t worked and now I work part time for the past 3.5 years. I have a very small pension as a result.

If he insists on 50/50 custody, will he get it?
(He would have to employ a nanny anyway as he works a long hours city job in finance).

Also, how will domestic violence affect custody of the children. I called the police in May when he lost his temper badly and it was extremely violent on his part, although he did not physically touch me. But there were many other incidences like this in the first half of 2020 and end of 2019 which I did not call the police.
He has never lost his temper with the children badly so I wouldn’t say they are in danger but then again, he has never looked after them for one full day?! He might if they stay with him for a length of time.

Custody- please share your thoughts about this.

We are just in the early stages of divorce. He has sent a draft petition for divorce from his solicitor to me.

Thanks in advance.

As a child of a 50:50 arrangement I really think it is a massively selfish arrangement and only in the parents' interests. I always wonder if those parents would be happy with the nesting model where the child stays in the family home and the parents split their time. It's so unbelievably unsettling for a child to not have a permanent base, however loving and involved the parents are.

@Notnowkate

I'm a little lost as to why both parents shouldn't have 50 50 custody. They both created the children equally. Unless there are concerns about safety or violence why shouldn't father's have equal custody? The children are not property owned more by one parent. All too often courts favour the mother over the father and it seems unfair if there's no legitimate reason a father shouldn't have equal access to the children. It's not about who does more for them.

Exactly this. It's in the children's best interests for them to have an equal relationship with their dad. Dads are just as important as mums in children's lives. It's not their fault their parents are getting divorced and have decided to break up their family and in the end it'sthe children who suffer the consequences.

Even though he's not doing the majority of the practical care regarding them (and I can understand why that's frustrating OP), they still see him each day and he's still an everyday part of their lives. They will lose out on that and it has a huge impact on children.

@PaterPower

One person’s ”lazy man-ways” are another’s “working hard to earn the household’s income.”

OP has been able to spend so much time at home with their DC precisely because of the income he’s provided.

It might not even be the balance he wanted originally - did OP ever give him the opportunity to cut back and spend more time at home? Was that ever an option for him?

Yes, this. The person providing the financial care of the kids is just as important as the person providing the practical care, regardless of gender.

Mumsnet is always biased because if the genders were reversed and it was the woman who was the financial breadwinner and the husband being the stay at home parent, many posters would be warning the OP to try to avoid the husband being seen as the main carer so she can get custody of the kids.

@Overoptimistix

As a child of a 50:50 arrangement I really think it is a massively selfish arrangement and only in the parents' interests. I always wonder if those parents would be happy with the nesting model where the child stays in the family home and the parents split their time. It's so unbelievably unsettling for a child to not have a permanent base, however loving and involved the parents are.

In my experience (working with children for many years) I agree with this.

I can definitely work for some families, but for the majority it doesn’t. And it’s the children that suffer, the children that felt most securewere the ones with a more ‘permanent’ base (be that mum or dad) especially when younger.

I’ve seen it work very well and the parents and children are happy.

I think the courts are absolutely correct to consider it. Why should the parent that had to finance the children and partner miss out due to that. It’s a huge part of parenting.

That’s not 50/50. yes, it is.

Bearing in mind that residency is based on overnights absolutely does make it a 50/50 arrangement and was recognised as such as part of the information submitted re the divorce which has to take account of arrangements for the children assuming the parents can reach an amicable agreement which we did.

EXH did actually think of putting DS into afterschool club, but given I live a 5 minute walk from the school and was home anyway it would have seemed somewhat petty of me to insist on that, besides which, DS had never been to after school club before, and why should I refuse to have him just because it was supposedly ex’s contact time, considering eXH was working until around 5:30/6:00.

If I had been working then it would have been a different matter, but I wasn’t.

Bear in mind that CM is calculated on the basis of overnights. If the father only saw the child during the day then the mother would be considered to have full residency.

So you picked up the slack and he saved the childcare cost and yet didn’t have any maintenance liability?

If you can co parent like that and it works for you, fine. But that wouldn’t work for us as my ex believes that I should provide the wrap around care and that he shouldn’t have to pay maintenance if he picks them up no matter how late, and he said he preferred it if they were fed and in their nighties too please. So on my days “off” he expected me to fill in anyway. Strong no.

I have recently split from my wife of 12 years. I have suffered abuse for many years physical and non physical, I have tried to keep family together and for last 3 years I have been main carer of children. 6 months back an argument broke out over nothing which resulted in me being hit, but she called police and said it was other way. I haven’t seen my kids for nearly six months, following court processes and her irrational fears I’m going to harm the children and kidnap. Which would never happen, I wouldn’t harm hair on their precious heads. I’m trying to get 50/50 as my job allows. There are no convictions of any kind. Courts have no fact of finding on both parts. Are there any people on here with similar experiences who could advise on what might likely happen as my solicitor keeps everything in the dark

But let's not forget your small pension, eh?

What’s your thoughts on that