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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dh blames me for my family's behaviour

43 replies

IrishMumOf1 · 09/08/2021 17:22

Hi, haven't been on here in a long time. I don't know what I'm trying to do, ask for advice or just get this off my chest. My dh fell out with my family just before the funeral of my close relative. I took his side and moved out of the family home and we moved into our own home. I was pregnant with my 2nd DC at the time. We would have moved earlier but we were saving money for a deposit. Anyway my dsis had a couple of opinions of how it was my dh fault . This was nearly a year ago and he still cannot let it go. He didn't have the falling out with her but hates her more than anyone. He will say it's fine when I meet up with her very rarely but emotionly abuses me when I get home. I can't ring her or text her when he's there. If I let her name slip in conversation his whole mood changes.

He tells me it's her fault he treats me badly as she makes him so angry . May I add, she voiced her opinions 11 months ago nothing since. it wasn't her business and I told her so
. He blames me for not falling out with her and brings it up constantly that I'm a bad wife for talking to her as I'm choosing her over him. I'm at the end of my rope, I used to think I was depressed but I think it's him causing this. It's like a fog lifts and he apologizes and says I deserve better but then he's back doing the same thing. He leaves me in tears with his moods. I have fluid in my brain and regular checks to make sure it's not building up and also suffer with severe migrains while raising 2 kids under 3. I feel like I would be better off dead than living like this. I love my kids and wouldn't ever leave them but it's so tempting . I'm so close to leaving him but I love him and he's a good father I just don't know what to do. I'm starting to blame myself and at times I've apologized to him for everything because in that moment I feel like it's my fault life has turned out this way. Sorry for the huge post x

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 09/08/2021 17:25

Can you explain more about the falling out op and what occured from both of them? It’s hard to say if he’s justified (although never with abuse) or not.

PlanDeRaccordement · 09/08/2021 17:30

He needs a therapist to come to terms with the family fall out. There is probably a lot going on in his mind that he’s not telling you. Maybe he feels your family hate him and are trying to sabotage your relationship.

I’d tell him, you’re not a professional therapist and he needs to find one to navigate why he thinks so badly of your sister and family. That you simply cannot help him with this. You should be able to mention your family without it causing him to be over distressed. He’s acting too emotional and irrational. Then reassure him with the good you do think of him ie how he is a good father. But really, the stress on you is not having that boundary in place. Your his wife and partner, not his therapist. You can’t solve what us his problem with your family.

Bananalanacake · 09/08/2021 17:31

Classic abuser tactic is to cut you off from your family and friends. That is why he is nasty after you've seen your sister, so you stop seeing her altogether. What is he like when you meet up with friends.

Shoxfordian · 09/08/2021 17:33

He sounds abusive regardless of what happened

DeeCeeCherry · 09/08/2021 17:35

I'm so close to leaving him but I love him and he's a good father

Do you really feel like that? If you did, I don't think you would have written that post.

He's a bully. & weirdly obsessed with your Sister. It's not even her he fell out with.

If you don't want to leave him then stand up for yourself and tell him to stop commenting on your family and definitely don't harass you after you've visited your Sister. She doesn't enter his home so he doesn't see her, does he? She is your sibling it's absolutely none of his business to attempt to sabotage your relationship with her.

I don't get on at all with DP's sister. He still sees her, why shouldn't he? I make no comment.

You talk of not wanting to leave your children as if you'd have to lose them if you left him. No, you wouldn't.

He is not the boss of you neither is he your God. If you're staying then hopefully you will seek some form of external mediation because your husband is out of order x 100. If you find yourself isolated with just him to turn to, I doubt your life with him will suddenly become pleasant

Is he really worth making yourself ill for? Since he doesn't give a shit about his impact on your health, hopefully you will look out for yourself

Notaroadrunner · 09/08/2021 17:39

He's trying to cut you off. I'd be making plans to set myself up financially with a view to leaving him. You could try once more to tell him that his views on your sister are his alone, that you will not be cutting contact with her and that he needs to grow up and stop behaving like a petulant child when you go to see her or talk to her. You don't need to relay any details of your calls or meet ups with your sister to him. Keep your relationships separate but do not allow him to sabotage your relationship with your sister. You might find that someday when he continues down this abusive path, you will need your sister a lot more than you'll need him.

RandomMess · 09/08/2021 17:41

He emotionally abuses you.

That is not a good or loving husband and father.

Bluntness100 · 09/08/2021 17:43

The thing is it’s hard to judge op. This was only a year ago, And you lived with your parents? With one child and a second on the way? Did he also live there? And your sister! And something occured that caused a big fall out? Without knowing what it was, it’s hard to guess if it was so heinous he’s right to be upset you still see her, or if he’s to blame.

PrincessNymeria · 09/08/2021 17:49

It sounds like he desperately wants to isolate you from your family. I think his emotional abuse would escalate if you weren't seeing them at all, right now it's a tactic to manipulate you, but when he's achieved that goal, I think things would get worse for you (as you'll have no family to turn to).

I would see this as a major red flag.

MadMadMadamMim · 09/08/2021 17:54

I would pack up my children and go home, where hopefully your parents (and your sister) will be able to support you.

Your DH is abusive.

He tells me it's her fault he treats me badly Yeah. Right. It's someone else's fault that he is emotionally abusive towards his wife.

Run for the hills.

By the way - I cannot honestly think of a single thing that would make it acceptable for your DH to fall out with my family just before the funeral of a close family member.

Most people bite their fucking tongue when people are about to bury a family member, having the common decency to realise that people might be upset and stressed about this.

Umberellatheweatha · 09/08/2021 18:00

Dump the emotionally abusive fucker and run for the hills. Run fast, run far.

Sidehustle99 · 09/08/2021 18:15

Sounds like a classic narcissistic abuser - leave before it gets worse.

I'm guessing you got on fine with family and friends before he cam along.

Original poster

IrishMumOf1 · 09/08/2021 18:19

Thanks for replies, I can't get to much into detail incase someone I know is on here. Basically it was a drunken argument. He believes he was totally the victim , my sis who lives in her own home said that she had heard him say a couple of things earlier that night and in her opinion it was both sides in the wrong and there was no victim . And that my family were grieving and should be forgiven for tempers flaring . He feels like she should not have said anything. We lived there me, h and child as we had nowhere else to go

OP posts:

Umberellatheweatha · 09/08/2021 18:26

Really it's a total non issue op. Just some shit drama he wants you to focus on rather than the fact that he is abusing you.

Abusers get you caught up trying to prove your innocence/loyalty/trust/love. Stuck on that merry go round, looking inwards. Instead of realising they fucking suck and making plans to leave.

Dontbeme · 09/08/2021 18:34

He didn't have the falling out with her but hates her more than anyone

He hates her more than anyone as your sister sees straight through his bullshit I'm guessing. She has made a comment that he has held onto for a year as an excuse to abuse you. He is abusing you OP and trying to isolate you from family.

BluebellsGreenbells · 09/08/2021 18:39

I agree he knows this a way to control you and make you uncomfortable- if it’s got to the stage where you don’t want to be there it’s because he’s made you feel that way.

Most normal people forgive and forget.

DowntonCrabby · 09/08/2021 18:40

*@Shoxfordian
He sounds abusive regardless of what happened

This

MichelleScarn · 09/08/2021 18:42

What happened with tempers flaring? And that my family were grieving and should be forgiven for tempers flaring .

Original poster

IrishMumOf1 · 09/08/2021 18:46

"MichelleScarn" tempers flaring as they had an argument not physical . He took them up on a joke , they got annoyed , he also did and they ended up arguing and he was told to leave for the night but decided to leave for good

OP posts:

reader12 · 09/08/2021 19:51

It sounds like he makes you very unhappy. What do you love about him?

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 09/08/2021 19:56

What is a 'good father' to you?

Because to me, it's a man who leads by example. Who treats the mother of his children with respect. Who goes above and beyond the very basics required of a parent. Who is actively involved in shaping who these children will grow up to be. So many women say oh he's a good father then list absolute basics like playing with them or taking them to school.

Original poster

IrishMumOf1 · 09/08/2021 20:16

Im finding it hard to answer your questions as I'm having to admit a lot to myself. I loved him because he was a laid back caring kind funny person . He just got me and we clicked. Looking back, he had been changing a lot the past few years . Since the birth of our first child. He'd be snappy or angry if I left him with baby for few minutes . He's the same now. As for being a great father, I say it that often to myself that I never really think about it. He does the basics I suppose and gets frustrated when the toddler is fussing which is s lot of the time. I don't mean to change my views since my first post it's just no one has really ever asked me these things directly and I try not to think about them. I know in my heart that he is controling and emotionally abusive towards me but I don't know what to do. Going back to my parents isn't an option

OP posts:

Original poster

IrishMumOf1 · 09/08/2021 20:18

I am quite isolated. I go food shopping once a week and to my parents once a week. We don't socialise , this is not due to covid it has always been that way. I feel like I am failing my kids. I want to make memories with them and build a secure future for them but it seems so impossible right now

OP posts:

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 09/08/2021 20:20

Original poster

IrishMumOf1 · 09/08/2021 20:23

I'm very nervous around him as he is always snappy. I'm a quiet person in general but not a pushover at all. This has just slowly crept up on me. I've changed how I act around him bit by bit until I suddenly turned into a completely different person. Went from a side 10 to abig 14 from comfort eating. I used to love walking now i just sit in with the kids. My confidence is zero. My life is passing me by and I don't know if I'll ever be back to being me again. I'm sorry for all the posts I just need to get this out. I've so much going on in my head and no one to talk to about it

OP posts:

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