Dh blames me for my family's behaviour

[IrishMumOf1]

Hi, haven't been on here in a long time. I don't know what I'm trying to do, ask for advice or just get this off my chest. My dh fell out with my family just before the funeral of my close relative. I took his side and moved out of the family home and we moved into our own home. I was pregnant with my 2nd DC at the time. We would have moved earlier but we were saving money for a deposit. Anyway my dsis had a couple of opinions of how it was my dh fault . This was nearly a year ago and he still cannot let it go. He didn't have the falling out with her but hates her more than anyone. He will say it's fine when I meet up with her very rarely but emotionly abuses me when I get home. I can't ring her or text her when he's there. If I let her name slip in conversation his whole mood changes.

He tells me it's her fault he treats me badly as she makes him so angry . May I add, she voiced her opinions 11 months ago nothing since. it wasn't her business and I told her so
. He blames me for not falling out with her and brings it up constantly that I'm a bad wife for talking to her as I'm choosing her over him. I'm at the end of my rope, I used to think I was depressed but I think it's him causing this. It's like a fog lifts and he apologizes and says I deserve better but then he's back doing the same thing. He leaves me in tears with his moods. I have fluid in my brain and regular checks to make sure it's not building up and also suffer with severe migrains while raising 2 kids under 3. I feel like I would be better off dead than living like this. I love my kids and wouldn't ever leave them but it's so tempting . I'm so close to leaving him but I love him and he's a good father I just don't know what to do. I'm starting to blame myself and at times I've apologized to him for everything because in that moment I feel like it's my fault life has turned out this way. Sorry for the huge post x

He isn't a good dad is he? He does the basics and gets frustrated at your toddler. So he's a pretty second rate dad. And the things that attracted you to him as a DP? 'laid back caring kind funny person' - does that describe him now?

He's deliberately distancing you from yout family. He's holding a grudge from an arguement that happedn a year ago just before a family funeral. He is emotionally abusive to you. He's turned you in to a shadow of the real you.

I also think that he's taken against your sister because she saw who he really was that day, and she wasn't frightened to say it. So he's painted her as the bad guy to deflect as she's seen through him.

Please please don't let him distance you from your family. Keep seeing them and keep talking.

And you can absolutely make that future for you and your DC that you dream of. Just not whilst he's your DH. Confide in someone in real life and keep reading what you've written here. This man is abusive. He will no doubt turn on the charm if he realises he's losing some control of you. Be wise to it and keep you eyes on the prize. Seek some legal advice and get your ducks in a row.

Take care.

@IrishMumOf1

Im finding it hard to answer your questions as I'm having to admit a lot to myself. I loved him because he was a laid back caring kind funny person . He just got me and we clicked. Looking back, he had been changing a lot the past few years . Since the birth of our first child. He'd be snappy or angry if I left him with baby for few minutes . He's the same now. As for being a great father, I say it that often to myself that I never really think about it. He does the basics I suppose and gets frustrated when the toddler is fussing which is s lot of the time. I don't mean to change my views since my first post it's just no one has really ever asked me these things directly and I try not to think about them. I know in my heart that he is controling and emotionally abusive towards me but I don't know what to do. Going back to my parents isn't an option

You sound a lot like me 20 years ago. I thought I had found my soul mate. The cracks started to appear after DC1 when it became clear I couldn't continue to focus solely on him. I have tried to leave twice and he has promised the earth in terms of counselling etc. He will say anything to get his own way. He has isolated me from friends and I can no longer attend family parties. He rings me twice if I go to a supermarket. It's all my own fault because I have tried to leave and he can't trust me. My oldest is at university now and he is using that to keep me trapped. He won't be able to pay me maintenance and support her. If I go I am being selfish. Get out now, I wish I had. I wish I could go back in time and shake myself. My youngest has had to have counselling at school because of his DF's behaviour. Good luck xxxx

Make a list of qualities / actions you genuinely think make a 'great' dad.

Not the bare minimum a dad should do to keep his children alive but a 'great' dad.

Now for a 'good' dad.

Now for an 'average' dad.

My betting is that yours doesn't actually meet much on the list for average, let alone anything above.

Certainly not a 'great' dad.

@Sidehustle99

It's not selfish to show your children that it's not right to stay in an abusive marriage. It's never right to do so.

Your child at uni can get a part time job like many other students and help support themselves.

She's been taught that this dynamic - a mum not having friends / families she laughs with and has good relationships with - is normal. That an abusive male is an acceptable partner.

Please rethink your stance that leaving is selfish. In many ways it's more selfish to stay, I know you can't see that and don't mean to be selfish but the relationship model your daughters are being taught is so, so damaging.

You don't have to live like that

@youvegottenminuteslynn
Thank you, I know and I am taking steps to get out. It's been a journey and no one can say I haven't tried. I just want to be happy though and so can finally see none of us ever will be here. DH just doesn't have our interests at heart and he's proved it over and over again. I have to put myself and the kids first now. I appreciate the support though

I'm so sorry, OP. I think you need a plan. He has managed to isolate you and it will only get worse. First you need to work on building up you social network again.

OP, try telling your family the truth and see if they can help.

Womens aid can give you some advice.

He sounds awful.

He is abusing you and deliberately isolating you.

He is neither a good husband nor father.

You deserve better.

He is neither a good husband or good father.
Good husbands and good fathers don't isolate their wives and the mother of their children.
Good men aren't emotionally manipulate or abusive.

Well done for starting a thread OP. Deep down you must recognise something isn't right otherwise you wouldn't have posted here.

Why is going back to your family not an option? Is it because of the falling out?

I'm glad you're starting to recognise what's going on here. This man is not just making your life unhappy. He's creating a terrible atmosphere that will impact your children.

This thread is just the start. You have support here, and you can start to plan how to escape this situation and be happy again.

Good father's done emotionally abuse their children's mother. They don't isolate them from their families and bully them.

The only long term answer is to leave him. Could you go back to your family?

Thank you so much for all your support, the thing is I don't want to go back home. My family would welcome me back but I would be starting fresh with 2 kids. I don't want to bring them back to living in an overcrowded home that's not ours. Were in a rented house in my name. Ideally if I leave him I'd like to keep our home and be independent. Moving home would mean starting from the begining and truthfully it was me that got us sorted and in a home. Why should he have it and me and the kids to struggle to get our independence back. He has no drive or dreams he lives day to day. He is very lazy and waits for me to sort things. He doesn't control me with money but I have to say right, we need to pay our bills with x amount and save x amount. If it was left to him he would spend it and hope I had a solution. He doesn't think of saving for a rainy day or saving for Christmas birthdays ect . He waits and a week before he'll ask what will we do. I need freedom to sort my life out. How do I get him out without having to uproot my kids . Sorry for all the posts just thinking out loud

Seek some legal advice first. See what your options are about your home and how the finances would work out. You have seen that something isn't right, hence you've posted here, and you won't 'un-see' it now. Nor should you.

Keep posting here. Start to confide in people in real life. I'll bet you'll be offered help to separate from this man who is draining the life out of you.

With every step you take you will get stronger.

If the house is in your name and he is abusive I would ask womens aid for advice.

The house is rented, it's not an asset.
I would think you can tell him to leave.

Womens aid will know.
Maybe they will suggest the police help you if he won't.

You need him out.
Start telling your family the truth.

I have booked a counseling session. Basically want a chance to get my point of view across without getting cut off or told stop keeping it going. Even though he can rant for hours about it and if I explain myself Im told I'm now the one keeping it going. So doing that this week. And I'll go from there. I have very little money saved but I'm happy with that I will have help if needed . With money ,kids everything really. So now its up to me to make the decision . Thank you all so much for your support xx

He sounds like a shot father and an abusive and controlling husband who has successfully alienated you from your family.

Be very careful op, it is recommended that no one ever go to counciling with an abuser. They can twist the session and even con the councillor. And then you can be left feeling as if you've been made out to be the bad guy to this complete stranger.

Get a counciling sessopmon session on your own. Never with him.

*counciling session

A very simple question: would you be happy for your dd to grow up and marry a man exactly like your dh? Or for your ds to grow up to be a man exactly like your dh?