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Original poster

"If you had been a better mother I'd have a proper relationship with my grandchildren"

45 replies

CoventryAgain · 09/08/2021 14:27

Said my narcissistic mother who showed little to no interest in my children's lives. They are now adults and have no relationship with her. She criticised them on a regular basis although she rarely saw them because herself and DF moved some distance away. She never babysat or helped me. It was easier and safer to keep my children at a distance from her.

I posted a couple of years ago about her, she has given me the silent treatment for weeks at a time more often than I can remember. With the great advice I got then I have pulled back from her as much as I felt I could, going "grey rock". I haven't told her anything interesting about my life which I don't get the opportunity anyway as she brings everything back to talking about herself. I have sensed this has caused a frustration in her but she hasn't been able to figure out something to pin down and attack me, so this has been helpful for me.

Her health has got a bit worse of late, aged nearly 87, and if she wasn't at this stage of life I think I would go NC. However, I'm reluctant because I have a sibling who has created hell all of my life (I'm NC with them now) but mother has excused all sorts of poor behaviour. Yes, I'm the scapegoat. There will eventually be an inheritance, not very big, but enough to make a difference to my children and for me and DH to do something nice like get a new kitchen and a holiday or something. After 50 years of suffering at her hands I hate to think me, DH and our children would end up with nothing and sibling who has been so toxic would get it instead.

I was away with DH for the weekend and told her I was turning my phone off and going to chill out completely. She hardly ever phones me, always using the excuse she knew I was busy. When she does phone it's because she wants something. She tries to pretend that she doesn't phone me because she's only thinking of me??!

She is visiting a relative who lives not far from me so I drover over this morning to say hello. I could tell she wasn't happy as she was making a couple of sly digs like "I didn't phone you because you told me not to". Btw last time I was away for just one night and I was having a facial, when I came back there were 3 missed calls. Phoned her back in a panic as I'd spoken to her the night before and she pretended she'd forgotten I was away and it was nothing important.

Conversation turned to my children and she started making comments about they were strangers to her and I should have made them visit more and love her etc. etc.. Because, yes, it's easy to make children love their grandmother who can't stand the sight of them after 5 minutes and never visited except if she was in the area to see someone else. I didn't raise my voice but told her she needs to accept responsibility for her own behaviour and I said I had to go. She got up and jabbed her finger in my face shouting that if I'd been a better mother she would have a proper relationship with her grandchildren. I left and am at home shaking while supposed to be wfh. I've blocked her phone.

Not sure what I'm trying to achieve by posting but just had to kind of offload what happened. I suppose it's where do I go from here. Thank you for reading and sorry it's so long.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 09/08/2021 14:37

No inheritance is worth your mental health

Theunamedcat · 09/08/2021 14:39

Plus she might not even leave you a penny my mother isn't i remain distant from her I won't kiss arse for money I will look at her in disappointment regularly but her barbed comments can do one

Ducksurprise · 09/08/2021 14:41

Just change the pronoun and then it will be true, 'if she'd been a better mother she'd have had a proper relationship with her grandchildren '

None of this is about you, remember that.

FlorenceNightshade · 09/08/2021 14:49

Putting up with shitty behaviour like that for the sake of a new kitchen? Really?
Maybe after a lifetime of that it feels like your “reward” and you don’t t want sibling to “win”?
Toxic whichever you look at it

pog100 · 09/08/2021 14:58

You either need to learn how to grey rock and ignore even better or just go NC completely. I know it's easy for us to say but if an uncertain and not life changing inheritance is the only thing making you put yourself through this, it really isn't worth it.

Outfoxedbyrabbits · 09/08/2021 15:05

OP, I wouldn't be surprised if she uses her will as a final attack on you anyway. How would you feel if you didn't go NC now and she disinherited you anyway? Because she sounds like the type who would do that.

Just go NC and enjoy your life.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/08/2021 15:08

All the money in the world wouldn't be enough to make me deal with her. Set yourself free from this toxic nightmare.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/08/2021 15:19

Ask yourself why you drove over to see her at all.

Its not you, its her. Would you have tolerated this from a friend, no you likely would not have done.

There is no guarantee you will receive any money in a will and infact its far more likely you will not receive anything. Money is often used by such people as an attempt to further control and wield influence. Like many toxic parents as well, she has never apologised nor has accepted any responsibility for their actions. To them, its always someone else's fault.

I would not remain in contact with her and besides which it is not possible to have a relationship with a narcissist. Age has not mellowed her and narcissists do indeed get worse with age (this is because the authority figures who they are afraid of are no longer around).

Indeed set yourself free from her and deal with your own FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) through therapy. Do read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward and "Recovery from Narcissistic Mothers" by Brenda Stephens.

huuskymam · 09/08/2021 15:26

I would have just said like mother like daughter so, then left. There's a very good chance you're not in the will anyway, but do you really want to put up with her shit just in case you are? To me, it wouldn't be worth it.

Choice4567 · 09/08/2021 15:29

She was looking for a reason to pick a big fight because the small things weren’t working any more

Guiltypleasures001 · 09/08/2021 15:37

Wouldn't it be funny if you had to wipe her arse in old age and she left you nothing anyway ?

Block the vile woman cause no kitchen is worth that shit
Then get thee over to the Stately homes thread op Thanks

wewereliars · 09/08/2021 15:41

There's a fair chance you wont be left anything OP so I'd write that off if I were you.

Original poster
CoventryAgain · 09/08/2021 15:42

Thanks for the helpful replies. DH leaving work early so I’ll have some support at home soon.

@Theunamedcat and @Outfoxedbyrabbits and @huuskymamThat’s a good point and one that concerns me. I’m reasonably certain there’s a 50/50 divide at the moment but she is a vindictive woman and if she suspects I’ve “abandoned” her there’s no telling what she’ll do. But conversely she will not want people to think ill of her after her passing so I hope that may prevent her from cutting me off.

@Ducksurprise Thank you, that was a kind and helpful comment.

@FlorenceNightshade and @pog100 I think the total would be about £250000. It would be kind of life changing for my children in that it would get them on the property ladder as I would give them most of what I received. So it’s not for the sake of a new kitchen. I am scrupulously fair in my dealings with people and feel it would be horrendous to see sibling get the share which would make such a difference for my children.

@AttilaTheMeerkat You speak such sense as always and indeed your advice 2 years ago helped me a lot. You are right in that I drove over out of a misplaced sense of obligation. Also that people like her get worse with age, her behaviour has recently become much more obvious to people who probably thought I was making thing up before seeing it for themselves. She has recently pissed off her GP big time after making unfounded allegations that the GP was unprofessional. I'm taking some comfort from the fact that others are now seeing her true side although I feel sorry for them too.

@Choice4567 That’s a really interesting insight. I just had a brief chat with my therapist who I haven’t seen for some time but will later this week, she said her take is that my mother had to punish me for not being available to her over the weekend. Although she hardly ever phones me, in her mind I’m not allowed to tell her I’m not available.

I really appreciate the replies. Shaking slightly less after a few cups of sweet tea with plenty of food for thought.

OP posts:
canigooutyet · 09/08/2021 15:47

I scrimped and saved to get new things rather than wait for her to die. She's still alive and from what I hear still as vile as ever. She did at one point let me know she is writing me out of her will after I went NC with her. Told her good, don't want her money anyway. Never even thought about spending it when she had finally popped her clogs considering she couldn't be relied on.

If she did include me in her will, it wouldn't be spent on something for my home as that would be a constant reminder of how much of a cunt she is.

Polkadots2021 · 09/08/2021 21:22

@CoventryAgain

Said my narcissistic mother who showed little to no interest in my children's lives. They are now adults and have no relationship with her. She criticised them on a regular basis although she rarely saw them because herself and DF moved some distance away. She never babysat or helped me. It was easier and safer to keep my children at a distance from her.

I posted a couple of years ago about her, she has given me the silent treatment for weeks at a time more often than I can remember. With the great advice I got then I have pulled back from her as much as I felt I could, going "grey rock". I haven't told her anything interesting about my life which I don't get the opportunity anyway as she brings everything back to talking about herself. I have sensed this has caused a frustration in her but she hasn't been able to figure out something to pin down and attack me, so this has been helpful for me.

Her health has got a bit worse of late, aged nearly 87, and if she wasn't at this stage of life I think I would go NC. However, I'm reluctant because I have a sibling who has created hell all of my life (I'm NC with them now) but mother has excused all sorts of poor behaviour. Yes, I'm the scapegoat. There will eventually be an inheritance, not very big, but enough to make a difference to my children and for me and DH to do something nice like get a new kitchen and a holiday or something. After 50 years of suffering at her hands I hate to think me, DH and our children would end up with nothing and sibling who has been so toxic would get it instead.

I was away with DH for the weekend and told her I was turning my phone off and going to chill out completely. She hardly ever phones me, always using the excuse she knew I was busy. When she does phone it's because she wants something. She tries to pretend that she doesn't phone me because she's only thinking of me??!

She is visiting a relative who lives not far from me so I drover over this morning to say hello. I could tell she wasn't happy as she was making a couple of sly digs like "I didn't phone you because you told me not to". Btw last time I was away for just one night and I was having a facial, when I came back there were 3 missed calls. Phoned her back in a panic as I'd spoken to her the night before and she pretended she'd forgotten I was away and it was nothing important.

Conversation turned to my children and she started making comments about they were strangers to her and I should have made them visit more and love her etc. etc.. Because, yes, it's easy to make children love their grandmother who can't stand the sight of them after 5 minutes and never visited except if she was in the area to see someone else. I didn't raise my voice but told her she needs to accept responsibility for her own behaviour and I said I had to go. She got up and jabbed her finger in my face shouting that if I'd been a better mother she would have a proper relationship with her grandchildren. I left and am at home shaking while supposed to be wfh. I've blocked her phone.

Not sure what I'm trying to achieve by posting but just had to kind of offload what happened. I suppose it's where do I go from here. Thank you for reading and sorry it's so long.

A new kitchen is not worth this. Toxic sibling is toxic and toxicity is rewarded in your family. You're the lovely one whose kids love you, which sadly increases the utter jealousy of your mum and sibling.
Polkadots2021 · 09/08/2021 21:23

Sorry OP, I see a lot more money is involved than a kitchen, but it's still not worth it (I don't say that glibly). Life is too short.

Blackbird2020 · 09/08/2021 21:41

I bet she knows she has power over you because of the inheritance. She knows she can say or do anything to you because you want her money.

Notnowkate · 09/08/2021 21:53

Truthfully, I'd tell her to stick the money and never speak to her again. I'd do so happily too.

Choice4567 · 09/08/2021 21:54

I’m glad you have a therapist to talk this through with, that’s a good idea

Original poster
CoventryAgain · 11/08/2021 13:40

@canigooutyet Good point about something reminding me how awful she is!

@Polkadots2021 Thank you :)

@Blackbird2020 I don't think she feels she has power over me in relation to money as I've often said to her she should feel free to enjoy her life and buy things she would like. She says what she does because she has always treated me badly which I didn't properly appreciate until the last few years.

@Notnowkate Financially I'm ok though don't have a lot to spare, but I would be so upset if my kids lost out because she decided to cut me out. My dad would have wanted me to have half of whatever is left, this was discussed before he died a number of years ago.

@Choice4567 Thank you.

OP posts:
Choice4567 · 11/08/2021 21:45

How you doing today OP? Any more contact from the mother?

Original poster
CoventryAgain · 12/08/2021 00:43

@Choice4567 Thank you for asking, it's amazing how emotional I feel being asked that by a kind stranger on the internet.

I have blocked her, a huge step for me. Also had an enquiry from a friend in the US asking me if I could get some old photos from her and I repeated what she said (friend knows she can be "difficult" but I never gave details before"), as I have decided to not gloss over issues any more. In the past when she has sent me to Coventry and someone has enquired, I have given a vague comment, but I'm not going to do that any more. If they decide I must be lying so be it.

DH has been very supportive & I have now realised that not telling people about how horrid she is doesn't help me, as the child of an alcoholic father I should know that abuse thrives in secrecy but I somehow felt embarrassed by sharing how she has treated me.

My eyes have been opened a lot in the last week. Therapist tomorrow.

OP posts:
Confused102 · 12/08/2021 07:51

You do know that she can cut you out completely and still have the last say? You are sacrificing your mental health when it could all be for nothing? So what if she's 87 years, you can still go NC.

00100001 · 12/08/2021 07:57

Well, even if your mother doesn't leave you any money.

First of all, so what? You clearly (and rightly) hate the woman, so why do you want her money?
And then, surely your sibling isn't such a a greedy and selfish person that they'd keep the entire inheritance if it did happen that way?

Feelingmardy · 12/08/2021 08:22

If you're going to stay in contact with her, I wonder if you can further detach from the drama? So no need to tell her you're going away - just turn your phone off if you want to. No need to respond when she tries to blame you for her lack of a relationship with her grandchildren.

I'm not sure why you described 250K as not big. It may be that you have more money than most people? Or is this inconsistency somehow also part of the drama? Are you maybe trying to see it as not a big amount so you can feel less bothered by risking losing it?